Please read - are there any courses/programmes I can do?!

[QuestionMark]

Hi all,

I've posted here a few times. Just to update, the welfare hearing for my daughter - and her care proceedings (that had ran for 15 months) - formally ended on the 2nd of November. The judge said he was "disappointed" in me as I'm "intelligent" but I seem to "lack insight". I wish they knew just how much I understand the severity of this; especially when I'm stood over my sons grave or reading the coroners report. The judges concluding remarks were that I "need time" and I need to "accept the findings and progress". My daughter has went to her father full-time, he has a Child Arrangement Order so, whilst the court have out-lined I see my daughter twice a month, it is ultimately up to him how frequently I see her and so I am grateful that myself and him get along well. There's still care-proceedings on going for my nearly 3 month old son. I see him for 6 hours a week, in two 3 hour blocks. Contact is at my house and/or the community and he's thriving. He's currently in my parents care and I signed a section 20. Unfortunately, his dad has walked away from this all so it's just my and my family caring for him.

Since my eldest son died (25th August 2017) and an xray found 4 healing rib fractures (that I had no a clue about) according to a peadiatrition it "would have been easy to miss any signs he was hurt" and according to a radiologist, the xray itself shows nothing to suggest these injuries were inflicted; accident or not, the injuries would look the same either way - the only reason they decided that the injuries were "suspicious" is because no one had any explanation but how could I? I didn't have a clue and I desperately wish I did. He was actually seen by a general practitioner (for injections) and the health visitor and we had a family holiday with my entire family within the time-frame that they think he was hurt and none of us had a clue, bless him.

The findings made against me was that I was left in the pool of possible perpetrators with my ex (my eldest sons dad - each of my children have different dads) and emotional harm due to my ex being abusive and I failed to remove him. They also got a few of us for making "misleading statements" - this is because I didn't tell the professionals on the day my son died that my ex (partner at the time) was abusive. My mam has this finding against her too, along with failure to protect as she knew about the DV yet she is currently the main carer for my son.

I am being re-assessed to care for my son and by a different social worker which I am glad about as I've had issues with the last social worker twisting things I say/failing to enter facts correctly.

Anyway, I obviously want a chance with my youngest baby, my son. I've completed The Freedom Programme, a Child Protection course, a Baby and Child First Aid course and, most recently, a Coping with Crying course (i don't have an issue with crying but I'm trying to cover all ground I can).

I'm also continuing with my bereavement counselling and I have contacted my GP about psychotherapy as I've been called a "liar" so much (because I didn't tell the truth about my ex immediately) and the LA are also concerned I will be abused again in the future, so I obviously want to do what I can to prevent that - I would have taken psychotherapy up much, much sooner but everytime I asked the SW "what more can I do?" her response was "there's nothing, we have no issues with how you parent" (I got a positive parental assessment) but of course, at the welfare hearing the LA bombarded me with these new concerns which had never before been mentioned to me. Anyway, I intend to address this as soon as my GP gets it sorted for me.

I've also continued to keep the leader of the Freedom Programme updated, who i speak with frequently for support and I have began my divorce proceedings (I separated from my ex abuser 13 months ago). I am not in a relationship (and honestly, after everything, I'm afraid to be).

I am worried about one thing; the judge also used the phrase "mutual abuse" because I had, openly and honestly, explained that on one occasion when my ex was pushing me against a wall, I bit his upper arm in self-defence.. the only time I have ever used self-defence but "mutual" sprang from nowhere. How do I address this issue?

The judge told me I need to progress, have more insight and accept the findings to move forward. I desperately want to have care of my son. I'm only 22 and all I ever wanted to be is a mother; I am very lost without my children.

It's been 15 months. My living son is currently at the age that they think my late son was when he was hurt. These proceedings are planned to finish in April 2019, by which my living son will be 8 months old - will that count for anything? There's never been any concerns reported of my contact with my children and/or my care of them (beside exposure to DV), by this point, surely the LA will see how obvious it is that I will not hurt my baby? I will have been under close observation for nearly 2 years by this point.

Is there any advice for me? Any courses/programmes I can embark on? (I've spent over £100 on courses with the NSPCC so far so I'm happy to pay and travel). If there's any guidance at all for me I'd really appreciate it.

[QuestionMark]

Would it be a good idea for me to put his cot up and show how prepared I am so I can show the social worker when she visits?

[QuestionMark]

I've put his cot up. My parental assessments begin in just over a week. Their biggest worry seems to be my 'lack of insight' about the affects of DV on children. I really need to get a positive.

[Miserylovescompany2]

Hi SRT,

Personally - I would put a request in writing to your sons SW and ask him/her what you need to do to show you can meet all of your sons needs. Detail just like you have done on here everything you have done thus far. The judges wording was very ambiguous also. To know how to rectify this you'd firstly need to ascertain why the judge holds the belief you do not currently hold a clear understanding...

Children's services will have painted an extremely negative view of you - what you need to do is counterbalance this. Where ever possible seek out independent assessments.

I hope this helps.

Misery

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Hi all,

I've posted here a few times. Just to update, the welfare hearing for my daughter - and her care proceedings (that had ran for 15 months) - formally ended on the 2nd of November. The judge said he was "disappointed" in me as I'm "intelligent" but I seem to "lack insight". I wish they knew just how much I understand the severity of this; especially when I'm stood over my sons grave or reading the coroners report. The judges concluding remarks were that I "need time" and I need to "accept the findings and progress". My daughter has went to her father full-time, he has a Child Arrangement Order so, whilst the court have out-lined I see my daughter twice a month, it is ultimately up to him how frequently I see her and so I am grateful that myself and him get along well. There's still care-proceedings on going for my nearly 3 month old son. I see him for 6 hours a week, in two 3 hour blocks. Contact is at my house and/or the community and he's thriving. He's currently in my parents care and I signed a section 20. Unfortunately, his dad has walked away from this all so it's just my and my family caring for him.

Since my eldest son died (25th August 2017) and an xray found 4 healing rib fractures (that I had no a clue about) according to a peadiatrition it "would have been easy to miss any signs he was hurt" and according to a radiologist, the xray itself shows nothing to suggest these injuries were inflicted; accident or not, the injuries would look the same either way - the only reason they decided that the injuries were "suspicious" is because no one had any explanation but how could I? I didn't have a clue and I desperately wish I did. He was actually seen by a general practitioner (for injections) and the health visitor and we had a family holiday with my entire family within the time-frame that they think he was hurt and none of us had a clue, bless him.

The findings made against me was that I was left in the pool of possible perpetrators with my ex (my eldest sons dad - each of my children have different dads) and emotional harm due to my ex being abusive and I failed to remove him. They also got a few of us for making "misleading statements" - this is because I didn't tell the professionals on the day my son died that my ex (partner at the time) was abusive. My mam has this finding against her too, along with failure to protect as she knew about the DV yet she is currently the main carer for my son.

I am being re-assessed to care for my son and by a different social worker which I am glad about as I've had issues with the last social worker twisting things I say/failing to enter facts correctly.

Anyway, I obviously want a chance with my youngest baby, my son. I've completed The Freedom Programme, a Child Protection course, a Baby and Child First Aid course and, most recently, a Coping with Crying course (i don't have an issue with crying but I'm trying to cover all ground I can).

I'm also continuing with my bereavement counselling and I have contacted my GP about psychotherapy as I've been called a "liar" so much (because I didn't tell the truth about my ex immediately) and the LA are also concerned I will be abused again in the future, so I obviously want to do what I can to prevent that - I would have taken psychotherapy up much, much sooner but everytime I asked the SW "what more can I do?" her response was "there's nothing, we have no issues with how you parent" (I got a positive parental assessment) but of course, at the welfare hearing the LA bombarded me with these new concerns which had never before been mentioned to me. Anyway, I intend to address this as soon as my GP gets it sorted for me.

I've also continued to keep the leader of the Freedom Programme updated, who i speak with frequently for support and I have began my divorce proceedings (I separated from my ex abuser 13 months ago). I am not in a relationship (and honestly, after everything, I'm afraid to be).

I am worried about one thing; the judge also used the phrase "mutual abuse" because I had, openly and honestly, explained that on one occasion when my ex was pushing me against a wall, I bit his upper arm in self-defence.. the only time I have ever used self-defence but "mutual" sprang from nowhere. How do I address this issue?

The judge told me I need to progress, have more insight and accept the findings to move forward. I desperately want to have care of my son. I'm only 22 and all I ever wanted to be is a mother; I am very lost without my children.

It's been 15 months. My living son is currently at the age that they think my late son was when he was hurt. These proceedings are planned to finish in April 2019, by which my living son will be 8 months old - will that count for anything? There's never been any concerns reported of my contact with my children and/or my care of them (beside exposure to DV), by this point, surely the LA will see how obvious it is that I will not hurt my baby? I will have been under close observation for nearly 2 years by this point.

Is there any advice for me? Any courses/programmes I can embark on? (I've spent over £100 on courses with the NSPCC so far so I'm happy to pay and travel). If there's any guidance at all for me I'd really appreciate it.

Hello SunshineStarRainbow

Thank you for posting again.

The care proceedings relating to your daughter has now concluded and she has been placed in the care of her father under a child arrangement order. You will have contact with your daughter which is set at twice per month. It will of course, as you say, depend on her father what contact you can both agree between you in the future.

You say that the judge in his judgement said you lacked insight and that you needed time and also to accept the findings and progress. I think the judge’s comment is not so much about the factual issues relating to your eldest son’s unfortunate death but the fact that you may not really accept being in the pool of perpetrators and the reason for that. From your posts, you have indicated that your belief is that your ex-partner harmed/caused your son’s death. The fact finding hearing was not able to apportion blame to anyone in particular which is why persons who were involved with your son during the period have remained in the pool. The decision from the finding of fact hearing is based on the balance of probability and it appears the judge was of the view that no one person could be exonerated.

One of the concerns when a person does not accept the findings is that they have not fully understood the concerns and therefore it is difficult to work with them or provide support that might be needed. It may also mean that not accepting the findings mean that they will not be able to recognise and/or prevent the same thing happening again.

From your post it seems that you are doing a number of courses in respect of parenting and awaiting an appointment from Women’s Aid which is likely to help you in respect of the abuse to which you were subjected. The important thing is that you continue to engage and work with children’s services cooperatively.

I am including a link to our young parents’ website which you may find helpful in how you work with social workers and other professionals.

The fact that the final hearing of the current proceedings will not come to an end until April 2019 means you have the time in which to address the concerns that have been raised to show that you are able to safely care for your son. I suggest you discuss with your solicitor worries and ask him or her to explain about the judge’s comments and what you need to do to move forward. You have also mentioned the phrase ‘mutual abuse’ used by the judge. I think this might refer to the fact that you and your ex-partner were in a relationship where each abused the other. This is also something your solicitor can explain to you.

It appears that an independent social worker will be carrying out the new and this hopefully will give you confidence moving forward.
From what you have said in your post it appears that you are being very proactive in accessing courses, support and advice from relevant agencies. You may find it helpful to contact this service Child Death Helpline: 0800 282 986 or 0808 800 6019 for support.

Should you wish to speak with an adviser, you can telephone our free confidential advice line on 0808 801 0366. The advice line is open from 9.30am to 3pm Monday to Friday.

I hope you find this helpful.

Best wishes

Suzie