Social Services Concerned - Urgently need Advise please (Long Essay)

[DeeplyAshamed]

Hi,

I don't know how to go about this and just very confused, upset and angry. please note -quite a long essay below. Sorry but please I need some help.

I was arrested back in June 2015 for Indecent Images and part of my conditions was to stay at my parents home. Social Services were informed and within two days they came to my house and spoke to my wife. Few meetings later with my wife; I was allowed to go see my wife and daughter during the day and go back to my parents. My daughter at the time of arrest was 3 months old and is now 14 months old.

For 10 months, different workers spoke to both of us (had 5 so far) and kept doing assessments on us over and over again - Same questions.


I was sentenced recently and the conditions removed i.e. to stay at my parents home.

Social services are still keeping the case opened because they are concerned. Another issue they had was that my wife wasn't understanding and even though she's explained countless times they keep thinking she doesn't. They're also been asking around 100 times why -
1) She's with me
2) Why won't she leave me
3) We're having another baby - so saying why she's had another baby

I also by mistake told them in their main core groups (because they asked my wife again how she felt and basically indirectly said why she still with me) that we had our fights after I was allowed home and that she nearly been me to death. Now they've taken this and informed us last week they are going to assign someone from Domestic Abuse - I wasn't in the meeting when they told my wife but I'm like WTF!! I was only expressing how my wife felt after finding out. Can't believe they doing this.


Speaking to my solicitor and bailiff on the day of my sentencing, they both advised they can't interefere with your private life.

Now that I'm starting my group sessions, I just had my polymetrics analysis and she's also said to me - I have no sexual arousal for children and neither anything to support that I will harm children.

Anyway I was honest and informed them that I used to run a adult sex toy online store - they told me it was fine but said SS could object about this and to be mindful as sex was the reason I was there.

Speaking to my probation officer he said the same thing but said could I not do anything else? I explained I've spent alot of money on it in the past and because the police have destroyed my laptop - all my work is now gone so I am having to start from scratch. Nothing started yet as I need to develop code etc.

I've told SS and recently with Officer and the Group officer that I had searched for 16 year olds and it came with ton of results, I randomly selected a few. 1st one downloaded I saw what it was and deleted the video- I was disgusted. The police have this on their file (can be proven). Other 2 Video's were partial downloads, 1 was 10 years webcams and 1 was of Naturist Video (FBI Warning and nothing was voyeur about it). They can't prove I saw other clips, or how long. Yet I remember SS mentioned one point that I played the video 4 times!


So my questions is simply -

1) How long can SS carry on with the case?
1B) Is it worth standing up for your self? Can they screw us more? I was thinking of suing them for depression for my wife and also for harassment for pestering us over and over again with the same questions and assessments. Nothing changes with their assessment.
1C) I've even had a go with my SS worker (me and my wife) to say you're giving us stress and explain how frustrated we were with the case and their thoughts.
1D) Domestic abuse, I can deal with. But now they have problems with my business -- WHY? Why are they creating issues when there's nothing and what's that got to do with children? Loads of people watch Porn, or even go shopping to adult stores. I don't understand.

2) Can watching PORN/Starting my business ruin the case for me? If so, How?
If they can,
B) Does that mean I shouldn't be intimate with my Wife? Because end of the day it's cause of Sex/Sexual thoughts or whatever you want to call it, the reason I'm there.
C) I can never start my business?

3) This is all about child porn, so why so many restrictions about everything else?
3B) officer and police will do visits to check my laptop - I have no issues with them coming or doing unnoticed visits but I have some cracked software (most people do it), would this be an issue? They said a guy might come down and put it in the laptop to see what's illegal? I don't want to get in trouble?

I'll be honest - I'm not that of a person who enjoy these things, or who gets turned on by children. I don't know what led me down that path but I'm ashamed of what I've done and seeing my entire family shattered, stressed and upset has severely made me understand.
From day 1, I've told my wife everything - I've never hid anything from here including watching Porn, sometimes we watch it together. And our relationship isn't suffering because of Porn or affecting our intimacy.


I hope someone can help me

[DeeplyAshamed]

bump? anyone please.

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear Deeply Ashamed,

Welcome to the Parents Forum. Thank you for being so honest in your post.

I can see that the main risks to you child-from children services point of view are that of sexual abuse and domestic violence. There is also the issue of your wife’s mental health-she suffers from depression. This may be considered to be a risk factor as well so I hope she is getting medical help.

There is also concern that your wife might be minimizing the risk you pose because she is supporting you.

However, because of your level of cooperation, children services have allowed you back into the family home during the day time. I assume your wife is supervising the contact you have with your child. One of the questions they must assess is whether your wife will still be able to do so once she has a new baby to look after.

You mention attending core group meetings so I assume that there is currently a child protection plan covering your daughter.


How long will children services remain involved?

First, there will be further involvement of children services because your wife is pregnant.

Children services are likely to want your unborn baby to be made subject to a child protection plan. This will be to make plans for when your baby is born. This might include how your presence in hospital will be managed due to your potential risk to children. What will happen when mum and baby are discharged home? Will your wife be able to supervise you during your daily contact at home?

Second, children services will now be assessing the risk of potential domestic abuse. If they believe it might be an issue, they should offer support to both you and your wife. Again accessing this support might take some months. For information about domestic violence and children services, have a look at our FAQ’s about domestic violence.


Third, children services will remain involved against your wishes, as long as their assessment continues to say that there is an “ongoing” risk of harm to your children. This is the criteria for a child protection plan.

However, be mindful that child protection plans are usually only in place for up to 18 months to two years.
So for children services to close their case, your risk to your children would need to have been reduced. This might be achieved by you and your wife accessing appropriate support and then being re assessed.

It’s not clear from your post whether you have had the appropriate specialist assessments and support around your risk to children.
You should raise this with children services as a matter of urgency.
Ask (in writing), what else do I need to do? How can I convince you that I am not a risk? Have I had all the right assessments or should children services pay for specialist ones?

You should check what support is available via your probation officer. You could also contact the Lucy Faithfull Foundation who offer advice about support around issues of sexual abuse of children.

The NSPCC also offer advice around this issue. Have a look at the latest research around mothers being protectors in child sexual abuse situations.


If at the end of all the assessments, it was decided that it would never be safe for you to live with children overnight then you need to consider your options. I would strongly advise you to seek legal advice.

Our Advice sheet about care proceedings
sets out the pre proceedings process (PLO). During this, you will be able to access free legal advice where the issue of specialist assessments could be addressed by your solicitor.


Is it worth standing up for yourself?

Yes it is worth making sure your views are understood and that you are getting all the support available. You want to aim towards a plan for you to be safe enough to go home.
Have a look at our advice sheet about child protection procedures It sets out what to expect. So challenge decisions in writing but always cooperate with the child protection plan or agreement which is there to protect your daughter. If you ignored the plan and children services thought you had placed your daughter at risk, they may pursue a plan to remove your daughter from mum.

In respect of your questions about your business, (1D, 2 and 3) ask for clarification in writing from probation and children services about their expectations of you and why they are worried about your business plan.

If you have any questions, please post again, contact our advice line or seek legal advice from a children law solicitor.

Best wishes,

Suzie

[DeeplyAshamed]

Hi Suzie,

Thank you for your advice.

Just had a meeting today - Finally SW saying my Wife is understand and has completed assessments for sexual abuse and how to be protective etc.

Going back to your advice -

1) We have a Core meeting with everyone including Police, Midwife, Healthworker etc on the 27th June. You're right about putting the unborn baby onto it. But will also have a discharge meeting.

Speaking about my wife minimizing the risk, everyone in my family is in support of me and my wife. Because everyone know's me and can't believe that I search for child porn. Yes I accept 16 years old is legal only if they consent but my path led me to do other video's even I didn't know what they were. Hence deleting the video and stopping my activity and for 2 files being partial video's. I felt disgusted and ashamed of what was downloaded.

Regarding my visit, the hospital midwife has said shes met me a few times and spoken to her risk manager and I have no issues staying in hospital after and before birth. I can come and go as I want except for being with someone when I come into the hospital and not wonder off (which I'm not going to do). She advised if you seemed a high risk then they would only allow me for an hour after birth. So Good news there.

2) There is no domestic abuse in our lives. I only expressed that my Wife beat me to death. Going off this saying - http://idioms.thefreedictionary.com/beat+to+death --- This is what I meant. Can I just mention, my wife's placenta was in the way so could have caused a problem and would had to be cesarean. However the midwife said now that the placenta is out of the way is good news otherwise she would have bleed to death.... Again I don't think my wife would have died, yes it would be complicated and cesarean isn't a good thing BUT she would live...again another expression to mean something else...but this is what I said to them, as an expression to say we had serious talks about it.

3) I don't care if they are involved however I just want to come home. Remember there is nothing imposed legally by the Judge or the Police to say A) I can't have unsupervised access to children and B) I cannot live at my family home. As right now at my parents home for the night.

What I meant was I went to the Sex Group meeting (is it called the internet program?) but before the group sessions start, they do a metrics assessment to see IF I'm eligible for the sessions. So after analysis using the SARN chart and spending 2 hours with her - she said the only problem she sees with me is being preoccupied with Porn. Nothing else seems to be a problem. I then asked about CS and SW and to see if she can advice me and she said; maybe tell them -

A) There is no evidence to suggest I have sexual arousal for children and
B) There is no evidence to suggest I would harm a children.


I don't understand what you mean by 1D, 2 & 3 and do I need to provide them in writing?

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Hi Deeply Ashamed,

I am glad that things seem so positive with the other professionals. The midwife has an important role so it is good to hear her views. Clearly the fact that you are working so well with professionals has a lot to do with it.

Thank you for clarifying the position about possible domestic violence. If this is the situstion then I would expect the social workers assessment to be positive.

1D, 2 & 3

Sorry if I was not very clear. I was referring to your list of questions in your first post.
Can you put these questions to your probation officer?


Best wishes,

Suzie

[DeeplyAshamed]

Hi Suzie,

Thanks. The meeting we had the other day, well yesterday afternoon she had a chat with her manager and popped down to see us.

Good News - She's allowing me to come back home as legally she can't keep me away and of course that my wife understands.

Bad News - She wants to bring a translator for my Mother in law (she arrived last Thursday) to confirm she understands the Risks, the charges and evidence found.

We told our SW on our last meeting my wife has already told her everything (not entirely true - because it would really hurt her, she might never talk to me and have other implications. But SW said no, we still need to do it.

Suzie, as your a FRG expert, is there any way we can bypass this? My Wife knows everything like I said never kept anything from her. We both don't want to tell her anything and basically keep it private and confidential.

Even my probation officer said, if you parents don't know or someone in your family then we will have to tell them? I was like why? but apparently they need too.

What I don't understand, the police have always said to me, what you tell your family is up to you. We won't say anything. Yesterday I met with my probation officer and a police officer joined us. She said the same thing - Does your parents know? if not, then we will say something else. We won't go into full detail.

Do you think my solicitor can help?


Thanks

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Hello DeeplyAshamed

It is very good news that you are now able to return home. This is because children services’ assessment of you may suggest that the risk can be managed.

Although you do not want your mother-in-law and other family members to know the details of the investigation, unfortunately, children services will want her to know the risks so that she will be able to show that she understands and is able to manage the risk. It is a risk you take that your mother-in-law will be upset. If you resist her being told then it may be that children services could decide that it is too much of a risk for you to remain at home. Your wife’s mother is probably been looked at as protective factor to support your wife.

There will be a concern that family members with children need to know the possible risks as well. Professionals have a duty to share safeguarding information. Keeping it private and confidential, although I understand your reason for doing so, is unlikely to be acceptable to children services. The police will not share information about their case but they would, as part of their safeguarding role, have informed children services of the situation at the time of your arrest. However, your probation officer and children services have to consider safeguarding issues for your children and others you may come in contact with. Also, if you and your wife maintain your position of not sharing information about the issues, it could be seen that you both wish to minimise what has happened and could lead to children services taking the view that you are not fully cooperating.

You were given details of organisations you could contact for further advice about your situation and I suggest that you make contact with one or other of them to find out more about this particular issue. Please also read the advice sheet relating to child protection procedures that was sent to you in an earlier posted resply.

I am not sure that a solicitor will be able to stop children services or the probation officer disclosing information relating to safeguarding. However, you are within your rights to seek legal advice.

Should you wish to speak to an adviser, please consider telephoning our free and confidential advice line on 0808 801 0366. The advice line is open Monday to Friday 9.30 a.m. to 3.00 p.m.

I hope you will find this helpful.

Best wishes

Suzie