I am a sex offender father please help me

Seadog01274
Posts: 54
Joined: Sat Jun 23, 2018 1:18 pm

Re: I am a sex offender father please help me

Postby Seadog01274 » Sun Sep 16, 2018 6:59 pm

My husband has very openly admitted to everything. He has told me in detail the severity of what’s gone on.

He has also been extremely open with family, and also the police. He finds it helpful to be able to be so open after so many years of secrecy.

Unfortunately a loan is just not an option, we have literally only afew months ago cleared a huge amount of debt my husband had from a previous relationship in order for us to get our mortgage. My parents lent us the money for this.

He does see him working and providing as his priority right now which is true, I haven’t been able to return to work yet since all this happened. I’m struggling to even take my child to school let alone go back into the salon. I am a hairdresser in a small village and the thought of being in that environment fills me with fear.

He has been in contact with the stop it now helpline on afew occasions. He is also working through their 12 step online modules which I think is really helping him.

Social services have said they don’t want him getting any help until a risk assessment is carries out as he may find ways of not giving them a true risk assessment. Made my blood boil when she said this and we aren’t waiting around for her to do her paper work.

Some days I honestly want to pack our bags and run to the hills just so we can all have our family time back together. Living 2 lives is so exhausting.

My daughter is 8 and I have had to explain to her in the best way I can about what my husband has done and why she can’t have contact with him ah the moment. She sleeps with his photograph at the side of her bed. She brings his photo on trips out and sits him at the table with us for meals. They talk about emotional damage but the emotional damage it is doing to her not even being able to phone him is sickening to me.

This is the next step with the social worker when I see her next week. I am going to ask for her to be able to phone him under my supervision. I know it would be a huge step for her just to be able to hear he is ok.

PerfectlySafeDad
Posts: 60
Joined: Tue Aug 23, 2016 2:57 am

Re: I am a sex offender father please help me

Postby PerfectlySafeDad » Sat Sep 29, 2018 11:37 pm

Yep, they talk about 'safeguarding' and 'risk of harm', yet it clearly doesn't enter into their equations that there's great emotional harm going on by having a parent removed from their lives and prevented hook line and sinker from engaging in any normal life situation with the child. This harm is happening, regardless of whether the offender really is a sexual risk to his own child - and as I point out so often, and other cases attest and proper scholarly research would attest if it was promoted, the vast majority do not. THAT is the NORM, even in the most shocking of indecent image offences. I sometimes think to myself surely I must have a cognitive distortion in all this, since an ostensibly 'caring', intelligent, and responsible authority as Children's Services surely cannot be so inflexible, mistaken and downright 'cruel'. Why on earth would they be so destructive to families (thereby the lives if children of those families) just to get their own way?
Well, I believe the answer is that this kind of harm cannot come back on them. It would be an almost impossible job to prove it; the children when grown up would have to take social services to criminal court, with carefully compiled details of the life experiences they have been deprived of in relation to the 'offender' parent, and precisely how and where these relate to decisions over the course of that time by the SS. Difficult: Because 1) they often do not keep written records (unlike the German authorities in WW2 which is precisely how they got bought to justice!) therefore can - and so often do - twist things, 'misremember' or downright lie through their teeth. 2) the difficulty of the huge passage of time, logistics, witnesses, expense of legal action which of course a local authority can afford way above private individuals.
We saw this in the case of the Dad who took them to court over 'holiday fines', and he won, then also defeated the appeal but the LA appealed yet again and finally won. You see, they will simply never back down on these big matters of principle. At its root it's all about who 'owns' our children: State or parents.
The local authorities will simply not back down over over control - as with a Dad who is perfectly safe and loving, yet merely wanted to be able to take the child out of school for a week for a cheaper package holiday, or as in this forum - the right of a respectable and law abiding parent to make a judgement and 'trust' and reconcile with their offender partner and rebuild the family.
But of course in the unlikely event that the offender is one of those who would abuse his own in any way (I remind yet again, a tiny minority across the full and varied spectrum of those convicted and labelled 'sex offender' in our culture) - that, if it happened, would be provable and come back on them.
It is 'back covering', it is not safeguarding. They are not the same.They are serving themselves, not children: That's the difference. If it was safeguarding, far far more weight would be placed on the odds-on likelihood of the harm that occurs by penalizing a safe family in the event of an incorrect risk assessment (a great many are undoubtedly just that). This harm is just as deep and palpable as all but the most severe sex offence harm. If the above description of an 8yo daughter pining for Dad and sleeping near his photo doesn't demonstrate this, I don't know what does. For social workers to be in denial of that (and other comparable examples on here eg the midteen boy who can no longer go to football with his Dad), they truly must be pretty low on conscience - more so indeed than many offenders who are nothing but regretful of their once-only offences.
Throw into a the mix the arrogance and pride that all too easily comes with this highest calling of child protection work - quasi medieval elements of zealotry, fear and superstition - today's 'religion' in a way.
This is why it is a tyranny: unfair, incorrect, unnecessary decisions abound, essentially because they want to protect their precious positions having been hit by high profile failures such as Baby P, which ought to have been blatantly obviously in need of intervention. For this rank systemic dysfunctionalism and often individual incompetence (unbelievably, appallingly not answered for), we all have to suffer - and it's far from being only offender families, it's many many 'average' families who somehow find themselves on a 'risk' radar in ways too numerous to mention.
It's out of control and needs sorting, root and branch.
Sorry for long essay, but this is important free speech and there's few more appropriate venues for it, and Seadog's moving post above deserves it.
Oh yeah - the no phone calls thing is just unfathomable draconianism (as with me and my sons). Absolute swines. Jesus.
Last edited by PerfectlySafeDad on Sat Sep 29, 2018 11:48 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Kami2018
Posts: 80
Joined: Sat Jun 16, 2018 5:08 pm

Re: I am a sex offender father please help me

Postby Kami2018 » Sat Sep 29, 2018 11:47 pm

Sorry as much as I feel sorry for you all and I can't imagine the heart break for all your children and understanding ur frustration I feel sad that you blame children's services on emotional abuse because they have a job to carry out besides all you say in this post and what many others say on there post children's services have a duty to protect children and I can't understand how one would say they wouldn't offend on there own children's I know u say this isn't the case but like with any sex offender there's always a risk and as much as you'll hate me for saying this children's services can't take thag risk and I know me as a parent could never trust such a offender around my children or any child in that matter, I know what I feel won't go down well but the truth of the matter is no matter who poses the risk the risk is still a risk

PerfectlySafeDad
Posts: 60
Joined: Tue Aug 23, 2016 2:57 am

Re: I am a sex offender father please help me

Postby PerfectlySafeDad » Sun Sep 30, 2018 3:27 am

Yes they 'have a duty to protect children'. I'm sick of the times I've heard that, especially from them and other safeguarding bodies who all lick each others **** in their shared prestige and zeal. It's like a mantra - like a sodding dalek talking.
The question is... HOW they go about that duty. They have discretion, they have judgement calls to make, they have limited resources to allocate where desperately needed. Above all, the principle should obviously be to separate out where risk lies and where it doesn't, otherwise harmless families are harmed and truly endangered children are not protected, such as Baby P. If they devoted their resources to pursuing cases where there is already a proven string of harm, they might actually avoid babies dying, instead of behaving like indiscriminate bullies towards anyone with a 'label': 'sex offender'.
Calling yourself a thing - ie 'child protection' - means absolutely nothing. Anybody can do that. It's worth remembering that Schutzstaffel - the WW2 German SS - means 'protective echelon'. In other words they claimed to be, and were seen and accepted by many, as the most important 'protectors' in their society. And look what they did with it! Of course our modern children's services are not THAT bad, but at times it's pretty damn alarmingly comparable. They can remove children from families, for heaven's sake, who all too often are not actually at any significant risk and no justification for thinking so.
Your statement 'all sex offenders are a risk' is plain wrong, a type of bigotry, and simply flawed logic. Many many sex offenders are absolutely NOT a risk at all, not even of reoffending let alone a crossover offence towards their own child; a taboo quite obviously far worse than the taboo of sexual attraction to a non-family child. Unfortunately, only the offenders themselves know this for sure of course and cannot prove it. But they shouldn't have to, because penalizing them for a crime that has never been committed that 'might' be committed is a kind if science fiction 'future crime' nightmare. It beggars belief how a supposedly civilized society can punish a person for what they 'might do', yet our Children's Services have the power to do this, and they get away with it because of the way the great modern witch hunt falsely holds out that 'one crime (ie IOC) is the same as another (ie contact)' when psychologically they are so so different. It's almost on a par with the way the 17th century used to believe witches really had the power to cast spells. It's quite cretinous actually, and one day our society will look back on the treatment of IOC offenders for the barbarism and ignorance that it is.

Foreigner
Posts: 13
Joined: Tue Apr 18, 2017 3:14 pm

Re: I am a sex offender father please help me

Postby Foreigner » Sun Sep 30, 2018 3:22 pm

Dear Kami2018,
Correct me if I am wrong but from reading your posts I got the impression that you are involved with children services due to your partner committing a violent crime? If this is the case I wonder where does all your expertise on IIOC come from because you do post a lot on that subject as well?
As much as I disagree with the way perfectlysafedad sees himself I agree with one thing - it really depends on what type of person your social worker is!
Now that I am finally in a safe place I can share very briefly what happened:
One borough worked with us as a family and we came to the point where the social worker said we will be allowed to live together with my partner without any restrictions after the court. Unfortunately I had to move and that’s when all hell broke loose! Children services were from the very beginning only insisting that if I did not end the relationship I am not prioritising my children’s needs. They took me to court wanting to remove my son because I did not agree with their view. I did manage to keep my son but the difference in the approach in the different boroughs should be made illegal! I still love my partner and believe that he would not hurt my son even though there will always be this tiny nagging fear in the back of my mind! The point is for one borough we were doing great and they were happy with us reuniting and the other just wanted to totally tear us apart just because they had the power to do so! Not working with us or even trying to help me further understand the risk as they were supposed to! Complete tyranny and definitely working against the family, not with the family.

PerfectlySafeDad
Posts: 60
Joined: Tue Aug 23, 2016 2:57 am

Re: I am a sex offender father please help me

Postby PerfectlySafeDad » Sun Sep 30, 2018 5:54 pm

Foreigner, I'm a bit confused why you would disagree with 'the way I see myself' after the experiences you and your partner have had with social services on this topic.
You express faith in your partner, that you don't believe he would harm the kids, and you rightly point out it's a tyranny when they dogmatically don't let you go this.
I presume you mean you don't regard me as a 'perfectly safe dad', yet you don't know even know me. You have never seen the way I lived for the first 10 years of my children's lives with utterly normal love and care for them, before being surgically removed from their lives because of what I 'might do' or even more nebulously - 'might be thinking'. This is the nub of it, though, isn't it? You 'don't know'. So, in other words, what you really mean is that you think I MIGHT BE A RISK. You can't possibly be in a position to say I 'am' a risk, or I 'am unsafe'. Sorry if it seems I'm getting at you, but my point is that this is how social services think, and they wield great power on that basis. Yet they have much less excuse than you for caution, because they indeed do have the facts of my history with my boys and the completed police investigation and charges that demonstrate no incidents in any contact offence with anybody let alone my own kids. That's as far as you can get to 'proving' someone is 'safe' in a certain situation. To still hold the offender a risk to own kids is saying that one crime equals another, and is tantamount to a false accusation assumed guilty instead of the centuries old British principle of assumed innocent until proven otherwise.
You state a 'nagging doubt' about your own partner: May I suggest that has been put there by precisely this mania in our society as spearheaded by the likes of social services and the media.
Society seems to always need its bogeymen and pariahs. If it's not one group, it's another, until society moves on and better understands with fair and appropriate research, and the proof of the pudding in that more and more ex offenders are seen to not relapse and certainly not harm their own kids (both things actually being the norm), but instead public opinion and fear is moulded by hysterical publication of the most nasty, rare and high profile cases like Ian Huntly and Savile, whilst the Feminazis inflate the significance and impact of the slightest improprieties. It's very sad. Especially as cases like Huntley and Baby P would not have happened if social services were channelling their resources sensibly, but instead they respond brutally and simplistically by pulling the reigns tighter on any 'sign' they see as a risk, instead of focusing on the obvious and proven.

Kami2018
Posts: 80
Joined: Sat Jun 16, 2018 5:08 pm

Re: I am a sex offender father please help me

Postby Kami2018 » Sun Sep 30, 2018 6:20 pm

Well forighner u answered your own question You will always have a nagging feeling well I suppose that's how children's services would feel I do have a strong opinion on this subject on this app your correct and maybe I shouldn't but it's simply because most posts seem to blame children's services on there troubles well CS didn't commit the crime ? I will remain un confrontasional here because I respect your opinion and actuallyI agree with it but I often try not to comment but get angry that either the offender like on this post or offenders wife's on other post blame CS on everything and are not realising it's them that needs to sort there self out instead of spending the time blaming everyone and there granny for there actions....perfectlydad for one doesn't seem to realise where a outsider is concerned there's a massive risk to allow unsupervised access because no-one can be 100 percent weather any offender will 're offend on any crime and yes my partner is a offender of a violent crime and I would never condone this but I have never blamed anyone other than him and that's a fact my point on this is like u pointed out yourself it seems like it's everyone's else fault on this particular post and not the posters that's is all why I'm wound up off . I'm not saying people can't change and make good of there life's even after this offence I'm saying me I could never trust anyone charged with a sexual offence around my children as u say you self they'd always be a nagging doubt in my mind that I'd never be willing to risk


Thank u

Foreigner
Posts: 13
Joined: Tue Apr 18, 2017 3:14 pm

Re: I am a sex offender father please help me

Postby Foreigner » Sun Sep 30, 2018 6:41 pm

Perfectlysafedad I am not gonna argue with you but I will say what my opinion is: anyone who has accessed IIOC including my partner and I do love him to bits, poses a risk, be it small or not, to children because those people have sexualised children, they did not see the helpless innocent children in those images but saw sexual objects! People who have never accessed such material could claim that they don’t pose any risk even though as life has proven one could never know. As I said I do love my partner and still believe that we could have a life as a family and that he could manage himself in a way so that he never causes harm to anyone anymore but I do not trust him blindly like I used to. And he is fully aware of that. My point was that I definitely agree that children services in different boroughs have different approach and don’t always work with the families to reduce the risk but sometimes they chose the easy way and just separate fathers and children without trying to help. And my advice to any woman involved with a sex offender would be that if children services are pushing for separation and do not seem to be leaving any other options it is worth considering which one to chose - your child or your partner.

DesperateDad
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Joined: Thu Apr 12, 2018 11:51 pm

Re: I am a sex offender father please help me

Postby DesperateDad » Tue Oct 09, 2018 11:55 am

Reading as many posts in this thread as I could (time permitting) has been fascinating, upsetting and reassuring all at once. So many of us going through the same thing. Many seem to suggest we don't fight social services, that we do everything they say so that they leave us alone. The point is, it's only luck if they leave us alone. Actually, I can't stop fighting them - for the inaccuracies they write, the lies they tell, the incongruous behaviour they demonstrate, the lack of evidence in their assumptions. I cannot stop fighting because my family are at stake. Three years after charges were dropped and the police provide evidence they say they had and couldn't use in court) and still I'm fighting the same battles.
Social services have systematically tried to turn the mother against me (fortunately with no success so far) but she's petrified to be seen to be supporting me because SS use it as an excuse. I would support SS if I truly believed that they in their heart-of-hearts believed she wasn't capable of safeguarding or if they truly believed I was at risk of contact offending. But, quite simply, I don't believe they genuinely hold those concerns - all evidence points to the opposite, and yet they continue to dismantle our lives and ruin my family as best they can....often delivered with a smile to-boot!
This country clearly needs to recognise that there are hundreds of thousands of adults who make these same mistakes, and that not all of us are driven by a compulsive need or a desire to make contact offences - sometimes life just goes wrong at a time when we don't have the self-control to hit the 'power off' button instead. Sometimes when we're stressed and looking for escape we make mistakes. When professionals can realise this, admit it, and start tackling the real issues that cause us to over-drink, over-work, steal, lie, surf porn, lose tempers etc. then we'll really be making progress in this country. Until then, because it's nearly impossible to prove otherwise, they continue to label people as having an ongoing sexual interest in children (how can you disprove that?!!?), they continue to claim the risks they can cobble together outweigh the importance of family life and positive father-child relationships.
You're right too that they dislike anyone who can hold a conversation with them - they see it as baffling and threatening to have a man who is willing to confront them in conversations rather than turn up, throw himself on the floor in tears and beat himself up forever more with guilt and shame. They want to see that (power-trip, rather than reassurance I'm sure), but it's not the way to live.

PerfectlySafeDad
Posts: 60
Joined: Tue Aug 23, 2016 2:57 am

Re: I am a sex offender father please help me

Postby PerfectlySafeDad » Wed Oct 10, 2018 10:54 pm

So well said, DesperateDad. Your post should be used as a touchstone for probation, rehab courses and most especially, of course, social services.
Actually, a lot of people do have the insight you express - private counsellors, members of the Samaritans, people with genuine Christian faith, medical people (particularly mental health) to name a few I have encountered. From what others have said on here, it seems Lucy Faithful experts too.
Just not social services, though.
'With a smile' indeed - I know exactly what you mean! They make my skin crawl, it's weirdly like the 17th century witch hunters would benevolently say "this is for your good" just before burning or drowning you. Only difference is the SS say "this is for your child's good", before ripping apart a perfectly safe and loving relationship.


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