I am a sex offender father please help me

PerfectlySafeDad
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Joined: Tue Aug 23, 2016 2:57 am

Re: I am a sex offender father please help me

Postby PerfectlySafeDad » Wed Oct 04, 2017 10:46 pm

@Helpless. The situation with your son smacks of the great witch hunt more than anything else I have read or experienced on the child protection front, which is a heck of a lot. Absolutely sickening and exasperating that your son be denied his job for this, despite a plethora of obviously good and safe background material, and more vicious and ridiculous still that your guardianship might be barred on account of him.
I know my rants on here probably do little good and don't help anybody's depression over these issues, but honestly it is time the staff on this site stop wholesale condoning of Children's Services and the rest of the Child Protection brigade's behaviour. Nobody is supporting child abuse here, and those of us who have committed offences are most of us deeply sorry for it, but frankly the measures taken under the banner of 'safeguarding' are so often oppressive and indeed abusive to children on account of families ripped apart. Say it, please. The world has gone mad: social hysteria indeed, as Helpless says.
This cases raises an interesting and very important question: I wonder if almost ANY random and innocent person's internet device was subjected to the police hi-tec investigation process (for the usual 9-12 months it takes), they would all throw up a so-called 'indicative' search term or two. Bet it would - anybody's, because the bar of suspicion and safety is set so insanely high.

PerfectlySafeDad
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Joined: Tue Aug 23, 2016 2:57 am

Re: I am a sex offender father please help me

Postby PerfectlySafeDad » Wed Oct 04, 2017 11:27 pm

Good news indeed re. Ilseycat. There is hope you and your partner can build a family life, ultimately without an oppressive degree of state interference if you do as told to the letter. Still, I find it difficult to trust them, so capricious callous and disorganized they can be. But they've totally covered their backs for now, safeguarding their precious careers, so they are happy. Please update us at your next review.

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Suzie, FRG Adviser
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Re: I am a sex offender father please help me

Postby Suzie, FRG Adviser » Wed Oct 11, 2017 4:25 pm

Dear PerfectlySafeDad

In response to your recent post you in which you state ‘it is time the staff on this site stop wholesale condoning of Children's Services and the rest of the Child Protection brigade's behaviour’. I do not consider this to be the case at all.

The parents’ discussion board is provided by Family Rights Group to provide a platform for parents to provide help and support to other who have been in similar situations to themselves. Your posts have in some instances been helpful but in this particular post and in some previous posts you have alluded to the fact that advice given on the discussion forum is condoning or taking a less than impartial position.

Children’s services as with all other professional working with children have a legal duty to safeguard children. Everyone is responsible to ensure children are safeguarded. On this forum, I endeavour to provide advice which will assist parents’ in understanding the concerns children’s services might have regarding risks to children in their care. It is important that parents have a clear understanding and insight into the concerns that children’s services or other professionals may have regarding their children.

Advice can only be provided on the basis of the details posted on the forum and, as such, the advice given relates that information since posters, including Suzie, do not have the whole picture and children’s services will be looking at everything as a whole.

A response was provided to Helpless on whose post you appear to base the comments in your post. There is a legal framework for child protection enquiries and children’s services should always be willing to work with a family to ensure that a child can remain in the family if that is in the child’s best interests. If a parent or anyone else who is caring for a child cannot shows the necessary insight and is child focussed, then children’s services’ actions have to be taken in line with the legal framework within which they operate. If one parent is willing and able to keep a child safe and engage cooperatively with children’s services to achieve the best outcome for the child then this will be the parent children’s services will continue to work with and support.

Advice is not judgemental nor is blame apportioned in posts. The advice is given in respect of the law and procedures to which children’s services and other professionals should adhere. If children’s services or other professionals act inappropriately or outside the law the responses to posts always reflect this.

From posts on the forum there are a number of situations where families have been able to work with children’s services to find a way forward even if there has been abuse of the kind you refer to in your posts. The key is to fully understand and accept that the child’s wellbeing is the focus. This might result in a parent having only supervised contact but that too is dependent on that parent’s ability to be child centred rather than considering their own needs above those of the child to be in a safe and risk free environment.

I do hope that you will be able to understand the purpose of the discussion forum is provide helpful support to other parents who are in quite distressed and upsetting situations.

Should you wish to discuss your own situation with an adviser, you can of course telephone our advice line on 0808 801 0366. The advice line is open from 9.30am to 3pm Monday to Friday.

Best wishes

Suzie

illseycat
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Re: I am a sex offender father please help me

Postby illseycat » Mon Oct 16, 2017 10:21 am

Update:

Everything still seems to be pointing towards my partner still being able to live at home after the birth of our baby boy.
We have done everything that is expected of us (and more) - one thing we have been asked to do is a Family Group Conference - I have looked at the information on this website but wondered if anybody had experience on these?

My parents are aware of the situation - (well to the level they need to know) and I feel if I say they should come to the family group conference then it will drag them further into this than they need to be.

We are currently looking to have:
Myself, my partner, my partners mum, my partners sister, my partners grandmother and my best friend as these are the immediate family members that live close and can help on the supervision front. My parents don't live local so I would only be visiting them with the baby - my partner would never be in the situation where he alone with baby and my parents. However I don't want child services to take this as I don't want them involved, its more protecting them from all of it as its a pretty distressing situation as it is!

They would be more than happy to comply with the safety plan we put in place but to bring them into the meeting situation.

Has anybody had experience of this?

city951
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Re: I am a sex offender father please help me

Postby city951 » Sun Sep 09, 2018 2:57 pm

I was the starter of this thread so i though i would provide an update.

CS closed their child in need case in January 2017 with the recommendation that the children's mother not allow me unsupervised access, albeit as they were closing the case it was at her discretion. When we asked what would happen if we didn't follow their advice they stated that they would no longer be involved but if they became involved again and found out we had deviated from the recommendations that they become involved again (basically a veiled indefinite threat)

Despite being separated we had no choice but to spend a lot of time together therefore at weekends etc. Our son was still young and so i would visit the family home most evenings and on weekends. We also would take the children swimming etc on saturdays, which was a two person job.

Legally I therefore had no alternative but to apply for a child arrangement order in the family court (essentially taking my wife to court) in March 2017.

Broadly speaking, the children had a court guardian appointed to representative their best interest and they asked the court for an assessment of me to be undertaken by the Lucy Faithful Foundation. This was undertaken in a day long meeting in September 2017. The report came back very much on my side; it stated i was low risk, that there was no evidence of a link between viewing images and contact offences, historically and based on the statistics and recidivism, and that I should be allowed natural and 'mundane' contact with my children and that continuing with the current restrictions was not beneficial to the children or their relationship with me.

Despite this report, the guardian maintained that she disagreed and that the mother had stated that she would feel anxiety should i be allowed the access i sought.

It worth pointing out that at this point in the court hearings (February 2018) my wife had began divorcing me and we were no longer spending time together. Matters between us had become bitter regarding money and she had started to ask me to stay away from the home for long periods and had whittled my visits down to after work twice a week with every other saturday.

At that point she asked the court to finalise an arrangement where I was forced to ask my elderly mother and sisters to supervise me and from February the order came that this would be every two weekends only as per my ex asked for.

So with all parties in disagreement a date was set for May 2018 for a 'contested Hearing'. It was a 2 day hearing costing many thousands in legal fees and the net result was no change.

The expert from the LFF attended and gave evidence and was massively in my favour; he said that the connection people make between IOC and contact offending is an emotional one not supported by evidence. i.e. there is no link. He stated that I was c,early intelligent and based in the presentation that i cared deep,ynfor my children in the same manner as a 'normal' father does.

The judge did state that the Barbados safeguarding report (that my wife had to endure for 13 weeks in August/September 2016) was unfair on me and also grouped me together with contact offenders.

Despite this her ruling was not going to change the current arrangements as they were 'working well' and 'low risk is not no risk'. The key point seemed to be that my wife stated she did not want me to have unsupervised access. The guardian stated that my relationship with my children was good (which it is) and therefore seeing them supervised every two weekends is sufficient, apparently.

What is paradoxical about the whole situation is that my wife initially presented to be as having no choice but to present against me when I started proceeding, in order to be complicit with CS recommendations. However, 15 months down the line at the final hearing, possibly because of a compete breakdown in our relationship, she stated that she would feel anxious if i was allowed unsupervised access and her lawyers argued that this anxiety could affect the kids. From my perspective the argument has always been circular; my ex is worried about social services and won't allow access, but her stating she won't allow access is informing the social worker for the court (the guardian). I was therefore asking the judge to break this cycle and impose a higher authority.

However, I have therefore had to accept the situation for the past 6-7 months. I see my kids only every two weekends if i can arrange supervision during the daytime on saturday and sunday and go 12 days without seeing them between visits. It's not easy because my mum and dad are 71 and my sisters are not really available because they have their own families. Often my parents don't have the energy to go out so we often end up just staying in watching movies or playing with the same old toys etc.

My daughter (who is nearly 5 - this all started 3.5 years ago) has been told by her mum 'daddy will be arrested if he sees your bottom' is basically trained to not allow me to help her with the toilet or changing and i had always hoped we would move on from all of this at a point when she would not remember any of it.

I have never been able to take my kids to see any friends or wider family members and they are basically not involved in my day to day life at all. When i was first arrested I had my daughter over before breakfast virtually every day and then i was at the family home every day once i was able to go back there a year later.

As more time has passed from my arrest (and offending behaviour) my acces to my kids has become less and less - it just doesn't make any sense. Things don't get better they get worse. I've never wanted to hurt anyone and there was nothing in my case or the evidence to suggest i'd ever intended or tried to initiate contact with other offenders nor contact any young girls for example. It was just viewing and yet the emotional response of everyone is that i am a risk to kids and should be excluded from society (which is pretty much the situation i find myself in)

Despite what suzy and others on this forum may suggest I believe that paramount in children services remit is to break up families where one parent is demonstrating behaviour they deem a problem, because it is the easiest and cheapest way for them to deal with cases. They only closed our case when they had convinced my wife to leave me because after my arrest she wanted me to come home. When we discussed our break up she stated that she couldn't take any risks that the children could be taken away from her and that was why she was ending the marriage.

At the time she stated she was not allowed (!) to discuss the content of her safeguarding course or allow me to see a copy of the final report - i now see why. It explicitly states that the case should be reopened if we got back together as a family and also states that all sex offenders are devious and calculating, individuals who will never change and will groom and manipulate their partners for their own devious purposes.

My only hope at this point is that the LFF guy did recommended i undertake the inform plus course for me and I am currently waiting to get on that course. The guardian stated that i have not demonstrated to her empathy for my victims but should i represent to the court and be able (i assume) to adequately demonstrate empathy the judge may come to a different ruling.

In court it was accepted by all parties that i would be able to have unsupervised access 'at some point' in the future but no one was willing (including the judge) to make a defined plan for that. I am now stuck with this ruling until i either reapply to the court - but i see no reason why or when my ex would change her position.

PerfectlySafeDad
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Re: I am a sex offender father please help me

Postby PerfectlySafeDad » Mon Sep 10, 2018 2:30 am

City951 your last post is absolute dynamite, and ought to win some kind of journalist/human rights award. I'm sorry the content is so tragic for you, your family and others in our situation. After reading that, it beggars belief to me that anyone can fail to see we are in a tyranny. The reason it goes unaddressed is of course that it features a demonized and woefully misunderstood minority (as we see in your wife's vicious and stupid 'safeguarding' course), and that the CS care only for covering their backs and are staffed by prejudiced and nasty cowards, out of their depth on this topic. The rock-solid truth and sanity as presented by the genuine experts - your Lucy Faithful report - incredibly appears to be ineffectual against the nightmare web of family destruction fuelled by the harassment by Children's Services. That is quite patently what they work to achieve, rather than supporting principles of rehabilitation and reconciliation which would be in everybody's best interest - including and especially the children! The 'teaching" of your young daughter about you being forbidden from seeing her bottom (what an awful concept for a little child to have to grow up with) makes my blood curdle. This is quite frankly child abuse by the safeguarding authorities - irony of irony, and of course nobody thinks to see it that way or ventures to say it precisely because of the title of 'safeguarders' they are so staunchly cloaked in. They are absolutely no different to the 17th century witch hunters rampaging through the land with what was (for them) the most 'righteous' calling of their time and thoroughly legalized. Of course we now clearly see them as deluded, evil or both. Where is the difference between them and today's sex offences inquisitors who have an almost equally ignorant and inflated grip on what constitutes risk to society? Such 'risk' as it was ought to be taken as 'removed' by the serving of the sentence, especially where this has included rehabilitation courses, or at least progressively lowered and then reflected in a return to normal contact with the EX offenders children. This, however, is not good enough for the CS who act like an almost autonomous column within our society, basing their directives on fear (their careers) and hate (their innate prejudice of SO's as fed by the media, which they in turn feed the media with. Fear+hate = always the hallmarks of a tyrannical outfit.
The true facts are recidivism of IOC v.low; v.low link between IOC and contact offence; family reconciliation promotes rehabilitation; number of men who would carry over even.fantasies towards their own kids is negligible, and it should be the Children's Services responsibility to tell the difference instead of simply spouting their back-covering mantra about 'duty to protect'. In the vast majority of cases they are protecting nothing (because there is in fact no danger) but they are 'damaging' a great deal. This cannot be right or beneficial to our society. They do more harm than good, period.
My rants may seem pointless (I even think so myself sometimes) or even hijacking a thread, but actually a stark recognition of what we are dealing with here actually points out the only realistic way through it. It's a tyranny; accept it and play their game. Seeing them as ***** is actually the only way I've been able to make sense of it, and therefore at least not go insane (you may laugh) with bewilderment at the sheer draconianism of my situation.
Suzie and a few others have talked about the 'legitimate concerns' of CS towards IOC and that it might carry over to abuse of one's own kids (even where no contact offence towards ANY kid), but I"m afraid to me and men like City this is just unfathomable and it's no different to accusation without evidence.What we did just DOES NOT constitute evidence of risk to our children, and they ought to have no right to make life-changing directives on the basis of 'guessing' that it might.
Last edited by Suzie, FRG Adviser on Mon Sep 10, 2018 12:32 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Post moderated as in breach of the board's rules of use

PerfectlySafeDad
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Re: I am a sex offender father please help me

Postby PerfectlySafeDad » Mon Sep 10, 2018 3:36 am

I'm sorry to say it, City, but I believe the guardian's talk of you demonstrating empathy, doing the Inform Plus course is just yet another excuse for them to foot-drag, to shut you out for as long as they possibly can. It never ends; if you did that with flying colours, they'd find something else to raise. I hope I'm wrong, I wish you well, but from my or your case I've not yet seen a shred of reason, trust or compassion from those monsters.
By the way, the people you get to supervise you - don't they have to be DBS checked? I ask this because when we requested to bring in a family friend as a supervisor (who happened to already have a check and is a leader of a criminal justice approved intervention scheme - Celebrate Recovery), we had to wait 3 months for the check CS insisted on to come.through (the social worker who was to send it went of sick, unbeknownst to us). For this 3 months I had absolute zero contact with my sons. After all this, my ex sits in with the friend in our contact meetings anyway!! Why the f. a DBS had to be done beggars belief. It was 'explained' to me that although somebody may already have a clear check, there is the possibility they have become an offender of some kind in the interim!
When I asked 'what if they became one during the 3 months it took for the check to come through'? I got no reply.

Seadog01274
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Re: I am a sex offender father please help me

Postby Seadog01274 » Mon Sep 10, 2018 11:05 am

As a wife of an online sex offender I can certainly comment on the other side of things. I came to blows with my social worker last week as from day 1 I have told her I will be supporting my husband and doing whatever it takes to rebuild our family.

Meeting after meeting trying to scare me into leaving him. I was at my whits end. Constantly changing appointment times, days, not turning up.

After confronting her over all these issues I actually received an apology. I told her how I have never ever felt to have her support in my decision and that we will be involved with each other for a long time and rather than her making me feel like everything I do is wrong, I want to hear from her that I am doing things right. We have been moved to a child protection case and I hoped this would mean more support for me, my child and my husband. So far this hasn’t happened. I know actions speak louder than words so we will see if anything changes. But she needs to learn to work with me if she expects me to work with her.

I have been given quite afew websites that some of you may find helpful:

Insight- this is a free counselling service that you can self refer for online. I am currently receiving this and I do my sessions over the phone once a week.

Circles-uk.org.uk

Familylives.org.uk

Offendersfamilyhelpline.org

Rethink.org

Revolving-doors.co.uk

And of course the stop it now helpline. I often feel so silly when I ring because half the time I don’t even know why I’m ringing- I just need someone’s to tell me its not crazy and my emotions are normal!

Don’t stop fighting. I have so many days where if I could I would of packed our bags and ran away. I am very early days into our situation- 12 weeks. Which already feels like a lifetime. My husband has not yet been charged. But every day I tell myself “this can’t last forever”. On the day it all happened I never thought I’d get to the day after that, never mind 12 weeks in.

If something is worth fighting for then don’t let anyone else tell you otherwise.

PerfectlySafeDad
Posts: 60
Joined: Tue Aug 23, 2016 2:57 am

Re: I am a sex offender father please help me

Postby PerfectlySafeDad » Tue Sep 11, 2018 12:38 am

@Seadog bravo! If you believe in your husband and your life as a family, you do have to stand by him and make no mistake you will have to fight. That is the nature of a tyranny and proves my point; you're acting humanely and hoping to achieve reconciliation at the same time as your husband undergoes rehabilitation (if indeed he is charged) - but social services will oppose this. They 'have a duty to safeguard' as they and the advizors on here are always so keen to point out. Yet this does not seem to include safeguarding a child's well-being by supporting contact with both loving parents, allowing the child this solidarity of upbringing and all the valuable formative experiences that proper time with a Dad brings. Their notion of Safeguarding does not include making any effort whatsoever to establish that, despite any offences that have taken place, the Dad is perfectly 'normal' with his own children (as the Lucy Faithful expert in city's post demonstrated usually is the case). Lest I seem to be merely ranting, there is constructive advice in this:
The Child Protection Conference that has been called is, I fear, not at all good news for you as a family. I suspect your social worker has simply resigned herself to your stance, and so now it has gone to 'safeguarders central' so to speak. They will NOT be offering support to you as a family and certainly not to your husband. Their idea of 'support' will be to push for you to break up with him, and they'll view you as a threat to your own child if you do not. Of course you know him better than they do, so why the hell should you be forced into this? Of course you must fight for your human rights as a family, please do this - the more people that do, the more chance the social services will gradually shift their draconian outlook on this issue, and come into line with the criminal justice system's principle of rehabilitative justice instead of the medieval inquisition that currently characterizes their methods.
Your choice is between fighting or being grinded down (much as city and my spouses have). So you must fight, and here is the constructive advice:
Stand your ground on the principle you want to keep your family together and remain in the relationship, BUT make clear this is in the context of him addressing his offences, showing due remorse and working to get his risk down as low as possible.

Seadog01274
Posts: 54
Joined: Sat Jun 23, 2018 1:18 pm

Re: I am a sex offender father please help me

Postby Seadog01274 » Tue Sep 11, 2018 8:04 am

Unfortunately my husband isn’t my daughters biological father so I feel they already take a different view on my situation.
I hoped the conference would offer us more support and communication which so far has not happened. The social worker made it clear at conference she didn’t want my husband to get any help yet ... she said she will not be able to do a true risk assessment on him if he was to start seeking help before he is charged. How can she make out him getting help is a bad option?! It’s been 3 months now and he hasn’t spoken to anyone professional. He’s carrying on with his life as normal as he can which is horrendous for his mental health. He needs support and help ... not to continue a life where he has to lie.
My social worker was extremely apologetic. I quoted her on things she’s said to me in my past visits. When I asked her if she had ever dealt with a family going through this that have stayed together I was told “that never happens”. How dare she say that to me? I will keep fighting, I will keep on her case.
But my husband is struggling. And he doesn’t seem very pro-active about wanting to get help. I spend hours and hours searching online for help and answers and send him all these links only to hear he’s stuck his head in the sand and not done a thing about it. Time is running out, he will soon be charged I am sure of it. At least once he is charged we will have some answers.
As his wife I feel I am the one taking the punishment and the sheer hell of living with this situation every single day. He is not allowed to live in our home which I can understand whilst social workers assess him. But he’s moved 2 hours away back to his mums. He’s not dealing with the rumours that are already flying round our village. The stares, the threats. Non of it. I am. I desperately need his support and I am not feeling to be getting this from him.
I don’t know what more I can do for him. We only got married 2 weeks before the police showed up.

Any advice on how I can support him better? From a mans point of view? I feel to constantly be on his case, every time we talk that’s what we talk about. How can I make him more motivated? It’s got to the point where I have to threaten him with leaving him to make him do anything!


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