Should it be so hard?

[Har1Her1]

Hi,

I have posted a few times about my family's situation. However, I am becoming more and more desperate. Basically my teenage sons (14 and 16) have been placed under a Child Protection Plan under the category of 'emotional abuse' although it is recognised that physical abuse and some sexualised behaviour as yet uncertain in its nature also took place. My husband is recognised as the perpetrator of all but the sexual abuse and my youngest son is the agent of the sexualised behaviour. The situation is complicated because both my husband and eldest son are on the autism spectrum.

As a result of the situation, the family has separated and my eldest child and I lodge with relatives (who are struggling financially). My youngest son is staying with my husband at the family flat. Both housing situations are very temporary because the tenancy will soon run out on the flat, my husband does not work and the landlord does not accept tenants who are in receipt of housing benefit. Also my relatives are kind but they have told us the lodging can only be short term. The children have outreach workers who visit them and take them out for an hour a week.

Yet, because I have become carer for my eldest son, I have to consider giving up my work. He is in a precarious emotional state and if his college placement (due to start in September) is to have any chance of success he will need a lot of support at home from me. I also have to find somewhere else for us to live. I rarely see my husband and youngest child because the two boys cannot be together so I have to make sure we meet on neutral ground and that my eldest is safely occupied. My husband and son also have to find somewhere else to live by the end of September.

So, we face unemployment, homelessness or emergency housing unless we can find something really quickly, separation (I feel so sorry for my youngest because he has lost contact with his brother and mother and his father's behaviour can be unpredictable) and all the subsequent instability that entails. Furthermore, my youngest told me that his dad hit him and threatened to kill him yesterday. \my son said he thought it was funny and it was 'just Dad being Dad' but I don't now what to do with the information. I wonder why he told me and what he wants me to do. I feel torn because I failed to protect the children before and if I do nothing I will be failing again. Yet if I say something when a CPP is in place it could result in my youngest being taken into care and I will have even less contact with him (and he will hate me for it).

It is all such a mess. Our lives were bad enough before but now we cannot even function.


Has anyone any advice

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear Har1Her1

Your situation is really very distressing at the moment with the worry about your children and your husband and added to that the threat of being homeless and unemployed. It must be so difficult and frustrating for you.

Your children are now on Child Protection Plans and as such the plans should provide for how the family will be supported to achieve the best outcome for the children and the family as a whole. You will need to adhere to the plans that have been put in place as failure to do so could lead to Children Services deciding to apply for care orders in respect of your sons. The plan should state what action is to be taken by whom and the expectation from you and your husband.

Has the social worker indicated that she will be making contact with your local housing department to support you in obtaining alternative accommodation? From you say recording accommodation for both you and your husband, Children Services should be providing accommodation as part of the needs that your son has at present. It may be that because you have been able to move to family, they do not think the situation is urgent as you have somewhere to stay. If you are not able to stay at your family’s home then you will have to be treated as homeless. This may result in emergency housing but because of your son’s needs this may not be for long. I suggest that you contact your local law centre or Citizen’s Advice Bureau about your housing needs. Unfortunately, I am not able to advice you about housing.

I also suggest that you try to get advice from Contact a Family as they may be able to assist you as your son has a disability.

If your sons still wish to have contact with each other then the social worker should be asked to facilitate this. Contact may be in a contact centre and or has to be supervised outside the contact centre. I suggest you speak to your eldest son to see if he wishes to have contact with his brother. If he does not, then he will not be forced to do so and the same will be true for your younger son, although I understand that you will both will be missing out if they do not have contact. The contact has to be of benefit to the child so if neither wants it then they will not be forced. On the other hand, if they do wish to have contact this should be arranged by the social worker.

If you do have to give up work to care for your son, please make sure that you claim all the benefits that he and you are entitled to. You can get advice about benefits from your local Citizen’s Advice Bureau.

Regarding the concern about what your son disclosed to you about his father’s threat. You are in a difficult situation but my advice would be for you to speak to your son about the situation. Let him know how worried you are about it even if he thinks it’s funny. Explain to him that your responsibility is to make sure he is safe and that is why you intend to inform the social worker about it. As you have stated in your post you husband can be unpredictable and not responsible for his actions, but if your son is harmed that will be worse.

Children Services expect you to be a protective factor and you say because of fear you have not been in the past. It is best to be open and honest with Children Services because if you hide things which later come to light they will be concerned that you cannot be trusted.

If you feel that it would help to have someone support you at meetings, I am including a copy of our advice sheet here to give you more information about this. Also, please read our advice sheet relating to child protection procedures for further details.

I hope you find this information helpful but please telephone our advice line if you wish to speak to an Adviser. The advice line is open from 9.30 a.m. to 3.00 p.m. Monday to Friday.

Best wishes

Suzie