New social worker gave me anxiety disorder
New social worker gave me anxiety disorder
My story...all names have been changed to protect our privacy.
I am in my mid twenties, have Asperger syndrome and am raising my four much younger siblings. The children's father is in the picture too, he was never interested when my mum was alive, but she died unexpectedly a few years back. He didn't live with us, the children ended up being with me when Mum died, because I lived in the house and he lived with his parents. At the moment, we share parental responsibility for the kids, and he has them on weekends and they visit his home for a few hours twice a week. He used to come up to visit me, but it works better when he doesn't because he is creepy to me and has been since I was a teenager (not in a full on sexually abusive way, he never touched me in a sexual way, but he would make creepy comments, stare at my breasts, try and hug me and get into my personal space and he once exposed himself to me when I was 18. My older sister has a similar story. Social worker does not believe us cause she asked him and he denied it, and just tells us to make sure we are not alone with him, after I told her this because he resumed this creepiness towards me after I came out as lesbian to my whole family at a family group meeting and kept asking me which people in the core group I would rather have sex with and tell me sexually explicit things he wanted to do to them and what he wanted US to do to them, ew.)
A few months after Mum died, we were on a CAF, but ended up on a child protection plan when the oldest of my siblings, who was then 11 was having some extreme behaviour issues (I was asking for a referral to CAMHS before but nobody listened). He threatened to stab a kid in his school and was using sexually explicit language and I found his internet history and found he had been looking at some quite hardcore pornography, so I brought that to the school's attention and they got Social Services involved.
From what I gathered, my family was seen as a bit dysfunctional before Mum died, and various professionals had their concerns but it was never considered serious enough to warrant attention, like that the Health Visitor always thought Mum's house was a mess and once visited when Lily was younger and noticed that a very young Matt was playing Grand Theft Auto, and the kids sometimes seemed tired in school cause they went to bed way too late.
Our first social worker was okay, and although it felt embarrassing to have her involved in my life, I actually did quite like her and didn't mind her presence. I started making a lot of changes in how I was running the house, I made a lot of mistakes I didn't know about because they felt normal to me from my childhood. Things were going better, the oldest (lets call him Matt) saw CAMHS and finally we were getting somewhere with helping him, and they finally took me seriously about "Lily" only eating a handful of foods and "Connor's" learning disabilities, that had been apparent for years and Mum kept getting brushed off when she tried to ask the school for help. After the second conference she said that the only reason she supported us staying on the plan is because they haven't yet completed an assessment on Matt (think it was called an iAIM or something) and weren't yet sure whether he was a risk to himself or any of the other kids in the house. She seemed pretty pleased that things were improving. But then she left a few months ago and our new social worker is just awful.
The replacement had different views on things and all of a sudden she was bringing up a ton of extra things that the former social worker never mentioned or had a problem with, and downplaying all of the kids abilities. Toddler "Sam" is delayed in speech, but she thinks he is far more delayed than he actually is because he is shy and doesn't talk much at nursery, even if he speaks in full sentences at home. He also failed an assessment with the health visitor because he didn't cooperate. We have been referred to numerous specialists and all of them say things are fine except for his difficulty pronouncing words and shyness. She is never satisfied with the condition of the house but is very vague on what needs to be improved, but sometimes picks on little things, like once complaining at the lack of bedding on the kids beds, when they were currently in the dryer and would be back on by bedtime, or that the toybox downstairs was overflowing because Connor and Lily brought their toys downstairs and just put them in Sam's toybox instead of taking them back up. She keeps saying I don't show enough emotional warmth to the kids and couldn't possibly meet their needs because I have Asperger syndrome. She has yet to see us naturally, I am somewhat awkward around new people and I somewhat took a dislike to the new social worker. She also kept complaining at me for being disorganised with appointments because they referred me to so many different things for Sam on top of the ones the others needed and they all came at once so I kept getting things mixed up. I haven't forgotten one in months now it has settled down to just speech therapy, CAMHS and a dietician and someone helped me get organised-also one member of the core group writes notes for me at meetings because I get it mixed up in writing. She has worked at the school for years, even when I was a kid, so shes somewhat sympathetic towards me and has been a big help.
Things are way better now, Matt only has a couple more sessions with Lucy Faithful left now and his behaviours have improved a lot, his school and CAMHS are impressed with his changes, Lily is still eating only bland, dry foods but now eats more than chicken nuggets, ham sandwiches and plain cheese pizza. I haven't forgotten an appointment in months. The house is in way better condition than it was before (but still she always finds something to complain about). I have gotten Sam his own bed instead of co sleeping. The kids are making progress in speech therapy (the three youngest all go). I have completed every task given to me by the next core group since the person from the school figured out that it would help me to be given a written list of tasks.
I became convinced she was planning to give the kids to my creepy stepdad because she kept pushing for the kids to spend more time with him because Sam shows no interest in him at all, and she praised any tiny effort he made and complained at me all the time. Her conference report was really unfair on me, and reading it a day before worried me. I had a panic attack at the last conference about 2 months ago, the manager of Sam's nursery was helpful to me when we were waiting outside, but I was judged not fit enough to take part and just left outside in a waiting room for hours (and everyone knows how long they are!). I was left alone to panic and did not see another human being for all of that time except for someone coming out to use the bathroom who showed me where it was cause I had been needing to go for at least an hour and hadn't seen anyone to ask. Ive had panic attacks at all core groups since then, but they've been relatively mild because other people from the core group have noticed and helped me. First time the person from CAMHS took me aside and helped me breathe properly and them talked to me about it, second time I got a break to calm down but that one was really mild. Another core group member spoke to me about it and encouraged me to make a doctors appointment about my anxiety, and I have done. New social worker is now convinced I am crazy.
Last month, while I was shopping, Sam ran into the side of the shopping trolley and got a bruise right by his eye. A few days later, nursery called me asking why Sam had a bruise and what happened but I was so afraid that I couldn't remember so they called the social worker to have a look. She said she would have to call her boss and see if she needed to take me and Sam to the hospital to get it looked at. She called back when I was at school picking the other kids up, I had a panic attack and ended up talking to the core group member who works at the school. She reassured me that it was just policy, and that they likely wouldn't think anything of it or blame me for it because toddlers get all sorts of bruises from being little and clumsy. Sam somewhat proved the point by banging his head on her desk while reaching under to grab a toy he dropped.
The social worker was awful to me at the hospital, having a panic attack takes a lot out of me and I was somewhat drained and I was also worried, really bored, hungry, and I found it hard to hold it together. She was somewhat cruel about my tears, saying that I am making it harder on myself just sitting there and complaining, I should get up and go play with Sam, saying she doesn't want to be here either and its not like she enjoys waiting like this, that she knows I don't like her but really she doesn't care as she is only here for the kids and its not her job to try and make me feel better. I was there from about half 4 until 10pm and I didn't have any food or drinks and no sympathetic ear to talk to, just a social worker who seemed irritated at me. I had remembered what happened to Sam at this point, so was able to give my story. The result was inconclusive, they cant rule out whether it was an accident or not, or how the social worker put it at the core group after, whether I had done something abusive to Sam because I was struggling with mental health and frustrated with his trouble potty training (I had mentioned to another professional that I was finding potty training to be really frustrating as I spent every moment mopping up pee). She doesn't believe me and I am worried that everyone now thinks I am abusive.
I have since developed a whole host of other symptoms. I am always on edge worrying about the house and what it would look like if she turned up right now as Sam just emptied the toybox all over the floor, but it doesn't stop when I am out because I feel afraid every time I see a car that looks just like hers. When she comes, I am really afraid, especially when it is unexpected, my insides are literally in knots. I have frequent nightmares about my social worker, either specific ones where she is mad at me (and I am always a small child at the time, in my childhood home exactly as it was back then) or more vague ones of me being terrified, taking the kids and running away from something bad that is going to happen, and being chased.
About 2 weeks ago she called around when the kids were visiting their dad because she wanted to tell me that they are getting legal stuff involved and theres a chance I could lose the kids. Theres a meeting in a week and I need to bring a solicitor (meeting with one tomorrow). I got a letter explaining their concerns and what to do, and their concerns are way overblown.
Their concerns are: the house (but she is unspecific about what she wants as even when it looks super clean to me she complains), forgetting appointments (not forgotten one in months), my mental health/Asperger syndrome, lack of emotional warmth to the kids (she is unspecific about how she knows this and how I can show her that I am not as awkward with the kids as I am with everyone else), I struggle to manage Matt's behaviour (but he has improved a whole lot now so something is working), Sam's injury, the kids poor dental health (I have been taking them to the dentist, but my mother never did and the damage to their teeth happened before, when she was alive. I have cut down on the amount of sweets they eat and make sure they brush their teeth) and concerns that the way I was raised is affecting my parenting.
I am in my mid twenties, have Asperger syndrome and am raising my four much younger siblings. The children's father is in the picture too, he was never interested when my mum was alive, but she died unexpectedly a few years back. He didn't live with us, the children ended up being with me when Mum died, because I lived in the house and he lived with his parents. At the moment, we share parental responsibility for the kids, and he has them on weekends and they visit his home for a few hours twice a week. He used to come up to visit me, but it works better when he doesn't because he is creepy to me and has been since I was a teenager (not in a full on sexually abusive way, he never touched me in a sexual way, but he would make creepy comments, stare at my breasts, try and hug me and get into my personal space and he once exposed himself to me when I was 18. My older sister has a similar story. Social worker does not believe us cause she asked him and he denied it, and just tells us to make sure we are not alone with him, after I told her this because he resumed this creepiness towards me after I came out as lesbian to my whole family at a family group meeting and kept asking me which people in the core group I would rather have sex with and tell me sexually explicit things he wanted to do to them and what he wanted US to do to them, ew.)
A few months after Mum died, we were on a CAF, but ended up on a child protection plan when the oldest of my siblings, who was then 11 was having some extreme behaviour issues (I was asking for a referral to CAMHS before but nobody listened). He threatened to stab a kid in his school and was using sexually explicit language and I found his internet history and found he had been looking at some quite hardcore pornography, so I brought that to the school's attention and they got Social Services involved.
From what I gathered, my family was seen as a bit dysfunctional before Mum died, and various professionals had their concerns but it was never considered serious enough to warrant attention, like that the Health Visitor always thought Mum's house was a mess and once visited when Lily was younger and noticed that a very young Matt was playing Grand Theft Auto, and the kids sometimes seemed tired in school cause they went to bed way too late.
Our first social worker was okay, and although it felt embarrassing to have her involved in my life, I actually did quite like her and didn't mind her presence. I started making a lot of changes in how I was running the house, I made a lot of mistakes I didn't know about because they felt normal to me from my childhood. Things were going better, the oldest (lets call him Matt) saw CAMHS and finally we were getting somewhere with helping him, and they finally took me seriously about "Lily" only eating a handful of foods and "Connor's" learning disabilities, that had been apparent for years and Mum kept getting brushed off when she tried to ask the school for help. After the second conference she said that the only reason she supported us staying on the plan is because they haven't yet completed an assessment on Matt (think it was called an iAIM or something) and weren't yet sure whether he was a risk to himself or any of the other kids in the house. She seemed pretty pleased that things were improving. But then she left a few months ago and our new social worker is just awful.
The replacement had different views on things and all of a sudden she was bringing up a ton of extra things that the former social worker never mentioned or had a problem with, and downplaying all of the kids abilities. Toddler "Sam" is delayed in speech, but she thinks he is far more delayed than he actually is because he is shy and doesn't talk much at nursery, even if he speaks in full sentences at home. He also failed an assessment with the health visitor because he didn't cooperate. We have been referred to numerous specialists and all of them say things are fine except for his difficulty pronouncing words and shyness. She is never satisfied with the condition of the house but is very vague on what needs to be improved, but sometimes picks on little things, like once complaining at the lack of bedding on the kids beds, when they were currently in the dryer and would be back on by bedtime, or that the toybox downstairs was overflowing because Connor and Lily brought their toys downstairs and just put them in Sam's toybox instead of taking them back up. She keeps saying I don't show enough emotional warmth to the kids and couldn't possibly meet their needs because I have Asperger syndrome. She has yet to see us naturally, I am somewhat awkward around new people and I somewhat took a dislike to the new social worker. She also kept complaining at me for being disorganised with appointments because they referred me to so many different things for Sam on top of the ones the others needed and they all came at once so I kept getting things mixed up. I haven't forgotten one in months now it has settled down to just speech therapy, CAMHS and a dietician and someone helped me get organised-also one member of the core group writes notes for me at meetings because I get it mixed up in writing. She has worked at the school for years, even when I was a kid, so shes somewhat sympathetic towards me and has been a big help.
Things are way better now, Matt only has a couple more sessions with Lucy Faithful left now and his behaviours have improved a lot, his school and CAMHS are impressed with his changes, Lily is still eating only bland, dry foods but now eats more than chicken nuggets, ham sandwiches and plain cheese pizza. I haven't forgotten an appointment in months. The house is in way better condition than it was before (but still she always finds something to complain about). I have gotten Sam his own bed instead of co sleeping. The kids are making progress in speech therapy (the three youngest all go). I have completed every task given to me by the next core group since the person from the school figured out that it would help me to be given a written list of tasks.
I became convinced she was planning to give the kids to my creepy stepdad because she kept pushing for the kids to spend more time with him because Sam shows no interest in him at all, and she praised any tiny effort he made and complained at me all the time. Her conference report was really unfair on me, and reading it a day before worried me. I had a panic attack at the last conference about 2 months ago, the manager of Sam's nursery was helpful to me when we were waiting outside, but I was judged not fit enough to take part and just left outside in a waiting room for hours (and everyone knows how long they are!). I was left alone to panic and did not see another human being for all of that time except for someone coming out to use the bathroom who showed me where it was cause I had been needing to go for at least an hour and hadn't seen anyone to ask. Ive had panic attacks at all core groups since then, but they've been relatively mild because other people from the core group have noticed and helped me. First time the person from CAMHS took me aside and helped me breathe properly and them talked to me about it, second time I got a break to calm down but that one was really mild. Another core group member spoke to me about it and encouraged me to make a doctors appointment about my anxiety, and I have done. New social worker is now convinced I am crazy.
Last month, while I was shopping, Sam ran into the side of the shopping trolley and got a bruise right by his eye. A few days later, nursery called me asking why Sam had a bruise and what happened but I was so afraid that I couldn't remember so they called the social worker to have a look. She said she would have to call her boss and see if she needed to take me and Sam to the hospital to get it looked at. She called back when I was at school picking the other kids up, I had a panic attack and ended up talking to the core group member who works at the school. She reassured me that it was just policy, and that they likely wouldn't think anything of it or blame me for it because toddlers get all sorts of bruises from being little and clumsy. Sam somewhat proved the point by banging his head on her desk while reaching under to grab a toy he dropped.
The social worker was awful to me at the hospital, having a panic attack takes a lot out of me and I was somewhat drained and I was also worried, really bored, hungry, and I found it hard to hold it together. She was somewhat cruel about my tears, saying that I am making it harder on myself just sitting there and complaining, I should get up and go play with Sam, saying she doesn't want to be here either and its not like she enjoys waiting like this, that she knows I don't like her but really she doesn't care as she is only here for the kids and its not her job to try and make me feel better. I was there from about half 4 until 10pm and I didn't have any food or drinks and no sympathetic ear to talk to, just a social worker who seemed irritated at me. I had remembered what happened to Sam at this point, so was able to give my story. The result was inconclusive, they cant rule out whether it was an accident or not, or how the social worker put it at the core group after, whether I had done something abusive to Sam because I was struggling with mental health and frustrated with his trouble potty training (I had mentioned to another professional that I was finding potty training to be really frustrating as I spent every moment mopping up pee). She doesn't believe me and I am worried that everyone now thinks I am abusive.
I have since developed a whole host of other symptoms. I am always on edge worrying about the house and what it would look like if she turned up right now as Sam just emptied the toybox all over the floor, but it doesn't stop when I am out because I feel afraid every time I see a car that looks just like hers. When she comes, I am really afraid, especially when it is unexpected, my insides are literally in knots. I have frequent nightmares about my social worker, either specific ones where she is mad at me (and I am always a small child at the time, in my childhood home exactly as it was back then) or more vague ones of me being terrified, taking the kids and running away from something bad that is going to happen, and being chased.
About 2 weeks ago she called around when the kids were visiting their dad because she wanted to tell me that they are getting legal stuff involved and theres a chance I could lose the kids. Theres a meeting in a week and I need to bring a solicitor (meeting with one tomorrow). I got a letter explaining their concerns and what to do, and their concerns are way overblown.
Their concerns are: the house (but she is unspecific about what she wants as even when it looks super clean to me she complains), forgetting appointments (not forgotten one in months), my mental health/Asperger syndrome, lack of emotional warmth to the kids (she is unspecific about how she knows this and how I can show her that I am not as awkward with the kids as I am with everyone else), I struggle to manage Matt's behaviour (but he has improved a whole lot now so something is working), Sam's injury, the kids poor dental health (I have been taking them to the dentist, but my mother never did and the damage to their teeth happened before, when she was alive. I have cut down on the amount of sweets they eat and make sure they brush their teeth) and concerns that the way I was raised is affecting my parenting.
- Suzie, FRG Adviser
- Posts: 4230
- Joined: Mon Jul 04, 2011 2:57 pm
Re: New social worker gave me anxiety disorder
Dear Beth
My name is Suzie, one of FRG’s online advisers. I am sorry to hear about the range of difficulties you are experiencing with the current Children’s Services involvement. It seems you should be congratulated for doing your best to parent your younger siblings, under particularly difficult circumstances.
Since the death of your mother, you have stepped in to care for your siblings, when you have a range of support needs of your own. For instance, have you been offered bereavement counselling; an assessment from adult services or advocacy support from the National Autistic Society and support from the Children with disabilities team. It is good to hear that theLucy Faithfull Foundation have been offering family support to help deal with the risk of sexual abuse.
Furthermore, it would be useful to know, whether the child protection plan and made reasonable adjustments, in any assessments or family support that has been offered to help you safely parent the children.
You have provided a helpful summary about the current concerns held by the Local Authority, and state that a decision has been made to enter the pre- proceedings process, because it is highly likely they may ask the court to decide where the children should live.
It is important that you continue to cooperate with the professional network so that you can demonstrate your ability to prioritise the children’s needs, but if you would like to speak to an adviser, please feel free to contact our advice line on 0808 801 0366 Monday to Friday 09.30 am to 03.00 pm.
If you have not done so already, can I suggest you seek independent legal advice from the law society , so that you can be appropriately represented at this time.
Best Wishes
Suzie
My name is Suzie, one of FRG’s online advisers. I am sorry to hear about the range of difficulties you are experiencing with the current Children’s Services involvement. It seems you should be congratulated for doing your best to parent your younger siblings, under particularly difficult circumstances.
Since the death of your mother, you have stepped in to care for your siblings, when you have a range of support needs of your own. For instance, have you been offered bereavement counselling; an assessment from adult services or advocacy support from the National Autistic Society and support from the Children with disabilities team. It is good to hear that theLucy Faithfull Foundation have been offering family support to help deal with the risk of sexual abuse.
Furthermore, it would be useful to know, whether the child protection plan and made reasonable adjustments, in any assessments or family support that has been offered to help you safely parent the children.
You have provided a helpful summary about the current concerns held by the Local Authority, and state that a decision has been made to enter the pre- proceedings process, because it is highly likely they may ask the court to decide where the children should live.
It is important that you continue to cooperate with the professional network so that you can demonstrate your ability to prioritise the children’s needs, but if you would like to speak to an adviser, please feel free to contact our advice line on 0808 801 0366 Monday to Friday 09.30 am to 03.00 pm.
If you have not done so already, can I suggest you seek independent legal advice from the law society , so that you can be appropriately represented at this time.
Best Wishes
Suzie
Re: New social worker gave me anxiety disorder
I have had an assessment from Adult Services, it was a few months ago and nobodys heard anything back yet, that was before I started having panic attacks so my needs have changed (although I did speak to my doctor about my anxiety, was referred to psychological therapies and have an appointment in a few days, so I am not completely unsupported).
I do have family support, someone from Surestart who has helped me with getting things organised to help me remember appointments and stuff, and she got funding for a new dryer for the family. In meetings, I have someone take notes for me and write down a list of everything I need to do and any important dates-she did this by choice because she thought it would help. The core group members themselves have been nice enough to me, like being supportive if I have a panic attack, allowing me to talk to them about my concerns between meetings (and speak for me if I cant make it come out in front of everyone, sometimes I am just physically unable to talk when I am nervous). The system itself and my social worker have never made any adjustments to help me in anything except for allowing me a break halfway through core group meetings if I need one, or at any time if I have a panic attack.
I don't really like using the phone, can manage to order a pizza and use short answers if someone calls me, but I am not confident.
I have been to see a solicitor and she will accompany me to the meeting. I feel a bit better about it because she seemed nice and she took my concerns about the report and my problems with the social worker seriously, and I feel that someone is on my side
Also my dad has supported me in requesting a change of social worker, because he agrees that she is not a good fit for our case and is treating me unfairly, and she is contributing to my anxiety. I was reading old reports yesterday and its also really obvious that there is a big difference between what her reports are like and what the former social worker who left was saying about us. She actually voted against keeping us on the plan at the last conference she attended, she said we have made plenty of improvements, she doesn't think the kids are at risk or harm and child in need would be more suitable for our family. Things couldn't have started going badly so fast, when the only thing that has changed is that now I have a social worker who makes me feel anxious and picks on me...so I think having a new one would help a lot.
I do have family support, someone from Surestart who has helped me with getting things organised to help me remember appointments and stuff, and she got funding for a new dryer for the family. In meetings, I have someone take notes for me and write down a list of everything I need to do and any important dates-she did this by choice because she thought it would help. The core group members themselves have been nice enough to me, like being supportive if I have a panic attack, allowing me to talk to them about my concerns between meetings (and speak for me if I cant make it come out in front of everyone, sometimes I am just physically unable to talk when I am nervous). The system itself and my social worker have never made any adjustments to help me in anything except for allowing me a break halfway through core group meetings if I need one, or at any time if I have a panic attack.
I don't really like using the phone, can manage to order a pizza and use short answers if someone calls me, but I am not confident.
I have been to see a solicitor and she will accompany me to the meeting. I feel a bit better about it because she seemed nice and she took my concerns about the report and my problems with the social worker seriously, and I feel that someone is on my side
Also my dad has supported me in requesting a change of social worker, because he agrees that she is not a good fit for our case and is treating me unfairly, and she is contributing to my anxiety. I was reading old reports yesterday and its also really obvious that there is a big difference between what her reports are like and what the former social worker who left was saying about us. She actually voted against keeping us on the plan at the last conference she attended, she said we have made plenty of improvements, she doesn't think the kids are at risk or harm and child in need would be more suitable for our family. Things couldn't have started going badly so fast, when the only thing that has changed is that now I have a social worker who makes me feel anxious and picks on me...so I think having a new one would help a lot.
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- Joined: Thu Feb 20, 2014 12:20 am
Re: New social worker gave me anxiety disorder
unfortunately you have hit a rock and a hard place. On one hand they accept that involvement with social services can be emotional. On the other hand they expect you to deal with it and any concerns they raise as the absolute truth. It causes anxiety, paranoia, uncertainty however as a healthy adult who is able to care for children you must be able to get past this and be mentally strong. It is the most difficult thing you will ever do in your life to not internalize the injustice and allow them to get to you emotionally. Easier said then done I know.
When I was on the caf I used preventative measures when I felt the stress was getting too much for me so that I didn't end up with anxiety. Frankly the situation is out of our hands on so many levels and it is only by accepting this that we can be strong and carry on. We can't control the professionals or how other people treat us but we can control our reaction to them.
I think you have taken some really positive steps in getting support for yourself however it will be all used against you in child protection matters. Keep recording absolutely everything and keeping a diary of everything said. Your diary can win your case so keep the records, write emails about anything you disagree with what is factual rather then emotional, and learn how to translate to social work/court linguistics.
Speak to a solicitor about your worries and this social worker. This will all be recorded for you and is evidence. Make sure you request all records held about you by social services and correct them (they won't make the adjustments but at least it is noted), and call ofsted who regulates social services and speak to someone about your concerns (follow up with an email).
I had a lot of stress when I was on a child in need plan and when the core assessment was finished was flabberghasted. I tried to raise my concerns about what was said however was threatened with child protection if I raised any of the issues by her manager. In other words the more you work against them the worse they can make it for you. Your best bet is to keep your head low, be humble, be open to all advice and accept whatever they give you with the hopes they will eventually leave you alone. Then work like hell to make sure they never have a chance to come back in your life again.
Also remember having other professionals around you does help because it limits the amount of false allegations against you. On the other hand it could make it worse if the social worker speaks with them in a manner to incriminate you and raise their concerns. As this stage just work with them and agree to everything and professionals like health visitor will see the social worker for who she/he truly is and support you.
When I was on the caf I used preventative measures when I felt the stress was getting too much for me so that I didn't end up with anxiety. Frankly the situation is out of our hands on so many levels and it is only by accepting this that we can be strong and carry on. We can't control the professionals or how other people treat us but we can control our reaction to them.
I think you have taken some really positive steps in getting support for yourself however it will be all used against you in child protection matters. Keep recording absolutely everything and keeping a diary of everything said. Your diary can win your case so keep the records, write emails about anything you disagree with what is factual rather then emotional, and learn how to translate to social work/court linguistics.
Speak to a solicitor about your worries and this social worker. This will all be recorded for you and is evidence. Make sure you request all records held about you by social services and correct them (they won't make the adjustments but at least it is noted), and call ofsted who regulates social services and speak to someone about your concerns (follow up with an email).
I had a lot of stress when I was on a child in need plan and when the core assessment was finished was flabberghasted. I tried to raise my concerns about what was said however was threatened with child protection if I raised any of the issues by her manager. In other words the more you work against them the worse they can make it for you. Your best bet is to keep your head low, be humble, be open to all advice and accept whatever they give you with the hopes they will eventually leave you alone. Then work like hell to make sure they never have a chance to come back in your life again.
Also remember having other professionals around you does help because it limits the amount of false allegations against you. On the other hand it could make it worse if the social worker speaks with them in a manner to incriminate you and raise their concerns. As this stage just work with them and agree to everything and professionals like health visitor will see the social worker for who she/he truly is and support you.
Re: New social worker gave me anxiety disorder
I have spoke to my solicitor about my problems with the social worker.
How can I request all records held by them on me? Cause there is a lot I really want to see, I smell a rat here, as looking at minutes of conferences from the first social worker and the one I have now, there is a major difference. Its not because of my anxiety too, because all that happened after the last conference. I already have the minutes of all of the conferences, and she sent me the minutes of a few core groups when I requested it once.
What preventative measures did you use when the stress got too much?
How can I request all records held by them on me? Cause there is a lot I really want to see, I smell a rat here, as looking at minutes of conferences from the first social worker and the one I have now, there is a major difference. Its not because of my anxiety too, because all that happened after the last conference. I already have the minutes of all of the conferences, and she sent me the minutes of a few core groups when I requested it once.
What preventative measures did you use when the stress got too much?
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- Posts: 20
- Joined: Thu Feb 20, 2014 12:20 am
Re: New social worker gave me anxiety disorder
Hi Beth,
I am sure Suzie will send you the link to requesting your records. In my experience with my own local authority they are very funny about this and sometimes don't do it!
Stress---- I made sure my thinking was realistic. My thought patterns were about what should be happening, what is happening and other peoples experiences. In the end I knew I would be emotionally shattered but I had to keep strong for my children. That meant putting their needs before my own. Sadly this is unhealthy because how can we be good parents if we don't work through NORMAL human emotions.
In my case I knew that I had a slim to none chance of getting my kids back. Everyone in the beginning kept telling me to be positive and not negative. But by thinking of the reality it helped me make better decisions. Yeah they might have kept my children in foster care or sent them to their dad however that is because the system is so screwed up on what they think is BEST for the children. So I made plan A, plan B, plan C in each of the possible scenerios. I cried at home, sought the help of friends, kept myself active, and never gave up on myself or my children. You just have to keep chugging along because even if the worst happens one day the children will be old enough to come looking for their parents and the reality is that nobody can take our children from us in the long term. Sure short term they could and often do ruin childrens and families lives but I refuse to let people have power over me. And damn it these kids are going to need us after being screwballed by these pricks.
I am sure Suzie will send you the link to requesting your records. In my experience with my own local authority they are very funny about this and sometimes don't do it!
Stress---- I made sure my thinking was realistic. My thought patterns were about what should be happening, what is happening and other peoples experiences. In the end I knew I would be emotionally shattered but I had to keep strong for my children. That meant putting their needs before my own. Sadly this is unhealthy because how can we be good parents if we don't work through NORMAL human emotions.
In my case I knew that I had a slim to none chance of getting my kids back. Everyone in the beginning kept telling me to be positive and not negative. But by thinking of the reality it helped me make better decisions. Yeah they might have kept my children in foster care or sent them to their dad however that is because the system is so screwed up on what they think is BEST for the children. So I made plan A, plan B, plan C in each of the possible scenerios. I cried at home, sought the help of friends, kept myself active, and never gave up on myself or my children. You just have to keep chugging along because even if the worst happens one day the children will be old enough to come looking for their parents and the reality is that nobody can take our children from us in the long term. Sure short term they could and often do ruin childrens and families lives but I refuse to let people have power over me. And damn it these kids are going to need us after being screwballed by these pricks.
- Suzie, FRG Adviser
- Posts: 4230
- Joined: Mon Jul 04, 2011 2:57 pm
Re: New social worker gave me anxiety disorder
Dear Beth
Thank you for your post.
In response to your post about how you can request records from Children Services, I have included a copy of our advice sheet here
for your information.
Regarding your wish to have a change of social worker, whilst you have a right to ask for a social worker to be changed, there is no right for that to happen. Children Services can refuge to change the social worker. I hope in your case your request will be treated favourably and a change of social worker.
I am pleased to see that you are receiving good support during meetings and that your support worker has been a great to help to you. My advice to you is that you should continue to cooperate with Children Services. Also, do try to read to the advice sheets that was sent to you previously so you have an understanding of the ongoing process relating to your children.
Do please telephone our advice line on 08080 801 0366 should you wish to speak to an Adviser. Our advice line is open Monday to Friday from 9.30 a.m. to 3.00 p.m.
I hope you will find the information helpful.
Best wishes
Suzie
Thank you for your post.
In response to your post about how you can request records from Children Services, I have included a copy of our advice sheet here
for your information.
Regarding your wish to have a change of social worker, whilst you have a right to ask for a social worker to be changed, there is no right for that to happen. Children Services can refuge to change the social worker. I hope in your case your request will be treated favourably and a change of social worker.
I am pleased to see that you are receiving good support during meetings and that your support worker has been a great to help to you. My advice to you is that you should continue to cooperate with Children Services. Also, do try to read to the advice sheets that was sent to you previously so you have an understanding of the ongoing process relating to your children.
Do please telephone our advice line on 08080 801 0366 should you wish to speak to an Adviser. Our advice line is open Monday to Friday from 9.30 a.m. to 3.00 p.m.
I hope you will find the information helpful.
Best wishes
Suzie
Re: New social worker gave me anxiety disorder
Went to the PLO meeting this morning. It went better than expected, as they had changed the concerns to sound more reasonable after I explained to my solicitor how unspecific and overblown they are. I was able to stay calm through the meeting but had a panic attack in front of everyone just before we went in, including my social worker's manager.
After the meeting, my solicitor and I met with the manager to speak about my request to get a new social worker. He is going to speak to his manager about it and took my concerns seriously (and he did see for himself how my reactions changed as soon as she walked in). It might not be possible, but he will try and see if he can get someone else. He did mention that the two social workers I have had have very different approaches, the former one was more warm and approachable but this one is more of a straight talking, businesslike kind of person, and he accepts that her approach may not be working the best with me compared to the former social worker, and says that if I am allowed to get a different social worker he will try and make sure she is someone I can work with (I requested a woman as I feel uncomfortable around non related men because of my experiences with creepy stepdad).
I also got a referral to Psychological Therapies and my appointment for an assessment was yesterday. I have been referred to a counselling service that works specifically with people with autism and learning disabilities, who will help me with my anxiety, the death of my mother and my past experiences with creepy stepdad.
My creepy stepdad (lets just call him Dan), did try causing trouble yesterday. My oldest sister "Robyn" is in town, and they really hate eachother, understandably because he was physically abusive to her as a child, as well as the usual sexual harassment he did to us both as teenagers. Matt feels as if Connor is the favourite child, because Dan is always spending more time with Connor and gets him better Christmas presents, and he was speaking about this to Robyn. Apparently Lily overheard it. I have no idea what they said, because I was downstairs at the time baking a cake, but when the kids went to Dan's house for tea, he angrily called me saying that Robyn had told the kids lies about him and were trying to turn them against us, and that he would be telling the social worker about it. He wouldn't tell me what the kids had told them, and Robyn was demanding that he tell her now or she will go to the police about what he did to her as a child. He kept saying to ask the kids themselves and he will not be saying anything until he has spoken to his solicitor. He did tell me in the end, and I passed that on to Robyn who says she never said that, and Matt says that how it happens, but then he came over angry and they had an argument in my front garden. Luckily, I spoke to one of the people who works with our family, and she says that the social worker cant do anything about that and wont see it as an issue because Robyn is not responsible for the kids, and I had nothing to do with it.
After the meeting, my solicitor and I met with the manager to speak about my request to get a new social worker. He is going to speak to his manager about it and took my concerns seriously (and he did see for himself how my reactions changed as soon as she walked in). It might not be possible, but he will try and see if he can get someone else. He did mention that the two social workers I have had have very different approaches, the former one was more warm and approachable but this one is more of a straight talking, businesslike kind of person, and he accepts that her approach may not be working the best with me compared to the former social worker, and says that if I am allowed to get a different social worker he will try and make sure she is someone I can work with (I requested a woman as I feel uncomfortable around non related men because of my experiences with creepy stepdad).
I also got a referral to Psychological Therapies and my appointment for an assessment was yesterday. I have been referred to a counselling service that works specifically with people with autism and learning disabilities, who will help me with my anxiety, the death of my mother and my past experiences with creepy stepdad.
My creepy stepdad (lets just call him Dan), did try causing trouble yesterday. My oldest sister "Robyn" is in town, and they really hate eachother, understandably because he was physically abusive to her as a child, as well as the usual sexual harassment he did to us both as teenagers. Matt feels as if Connor is the favourite child, because Dan is always spending more time with Connor and gets him better Christmas presents, and he was speaking about this to Robyn. Apparently Lily overheard it. I have no idea what they said, because I was downstairs at the time baking a cake, but when the kids went to Dan's house for tea, he angrily called me saying that Robyn had told the kids lies about him and were trying to turn them against us, and that he would be telling the social worker about it. He wouldn't tell me what the kids had told them, and Robyn was demanding that he tell her now or she will go to the police about what he did to her as a child. He kept saying to ask the kids themselves and he will not be saying anything until he has spoken to his solicitor. He did tell me in the end, and I passed that on to Robyn who says she never said that, and Matt says that how it happens, but then he came over angry and they had an argument in my front garden. Luckily, I spoke to one of the people who works with our family, and she says that the social worker cant do anything about that and wont see it as an issue because Robyn is not responsible for the kids, and I had nothing to do with it.
- Suzie, FRG Adviser
- Posts: 4230
- Joined: Mon Jul 04, 2011 2:57 pm
Re: New social worker gave me anxiety disorder
Dear Beth
Thank you for posting an update.
I am really pleased that the PLO meeting went better than you expected. It does help if you are able to remain calm and focused. It was obviously helpful for you to have your solicitor with you in the meeting as this no doubt relieved any anxiety you had about meeting with the professionals from Children Services.
There is also another positive for you as the social work manager met with you and your solicitor and took on board your concerns about the social worker. From what you say he recognised that the second social worker’s methods make it difficult for you. I do hope that the social work manager will be able to change the social worker as this will help to create a better working relationship.
In the meantime, my advice is that you continue to cooperate and work with Children Services.
Regarding your stepfather, try not to get involved in any altercations with him and definitely not in from of your younger siblings. You should also try to speak to your sister so that any unpleasantness between her and your stepfather is not dealt with in front of the children. The children being involved in confrontation between the adults around them could be seen as emotional abuse so it is important that you try your best to prevent this and keep the children out of any disputes.
Whilst the person working with your family may be right to a certain degree that the social worker is not able to do anything about what is happening between your sister and stepfather. Please consider what I have said about emotional abuse and how this could be seen by Children Services.
Things seem to be moving in the right direction for you at the moment and I hope this continues to be the case.
Best wishes,
Suzie
Thank you for posting an update.
I am really pleased that the PLO meeting went better than you expected. It does help if you are able to remain calm and focused. It was obviously helpful for you to have your solicitor with you in the meeting as this no doubt relieved any anxiety you had about meeting with the professionals from Children Services.
There is also another positive for you as the social work manager met with you and your solicitor and took on board your concerns about the social worker. From what you say he recognised that the second social worker’s methods make it difficult for you. I do hope that the social work manager will be able to change the social worker as this will help to create a better working relationship.
In the meantime, my advice is that you continue to cooperate and work with Children Services.
Regarding your stepfather, try not to get involved in any altercations with him and definitely not in from of your younger siblings. You should also try to speak to your sister so that any unpleasantness between her and your stepfather is not dealt with in front of the children. The children being involved in confrontation between the adults around them could be seen as emotional abuse so it is important that you try your best to prevent this and keep the children out of any disputes.
Whilst the person working with your family may be right to a certain degree that the social worker is not able to do anything about what is happening between your sister and stepfather. Please consider what I have said about emotional abuse and how this could be seen by Children Services.
Things seem to be moving in the right direction for you at the moment and I hope this continues to be the case.
Best wishes,
Suzie
Re: New social worker gave me anxiety disorder
Thanks Susie.
How long do you think it will take for them to change my social worker?
I have spoken to Robyn about not saying stuff about the kids dad in front of them, and when they did have an argument, I had my brother in law take the kids upstairs.
Robyn and I feel that our concerns about our stepdad sexually abusing us as teenagers has not been taken seriously by the social worker. When I told her in May last year because of his creepy conduct towards me recently (staring at my breasts and making crude sexual comments about what he wants to do to members of the core group) and handed her a diary I had been keeping of things he had said, as well as detailing the things he did to me and my sister when we were teenagers. She then went and asked him if he had ever made any sexual comments to me, both recently and in the past. He said no. She says there is no proof that it happened because he denied it and its our word against his. The only evidence I have to prove it is a diary entry I showed her, from when I was 18 and he exposed himself to me, and screenshots of a conversation with a friend on Facebook back in 2011 when I told her about what he had done. Then a few weeks later, when Robyn was in town, she came over and asked her what he had done in the past. She says we have no evidence to prove it, so theres nothing she can do-and besides, it started when we were about 12 (I was 12 when he met my mum though), and our little sister (age 6) isn't old enough yet, so there is nothing we can do. Robyn is a psychologist, and she thinks his conduct raises a lot of red flags and doesn't think our social worker is taking this as seriously as it is.
This is pretty much what happened:
From being a teenager, he would use sexual language in front of us, telling dirty jokes and talking about his sex life in full view of all of the kids, and comment on our developing breasts. He stopped this for a bit after Mum died, but then started doing it again in about April this year, following me upstairs when he came up to visit the children and I went to clean the bedrooms/bathroom and put the clean laundry away, and telling me about the explicit sexual things he wants to do to members of the core group, and wishing he could watch me have sex with them. He also used to send Robyn sexually explicit Facebook messages when she was about 15, she recently went through her messages and found them, and plans to show them to the social worker.
He would creep on our friends too, none of our friends wanted to visit when we were teenagers because he might be there, and would stare at their legs and breasts. He would also add our friends on Facebook and comment on their pictures telling them they were beautiful, and if they didn't accept his friends request he would complain to us about them and try and get them to accept, even about Robyn's friend's little sister, who was at the time eleven years old-he didn't seem to get than eleven year old girls should not be willing to talk to grown men on the internet.
He would make us sit on his lap, try and hug us against our will, barge into our bedroom whenever he went upstairs just to see what we were doing, Robyn once woke up to find him standing at the foot of her bed staring at her when she was about 15. We felt uncomfortable wearing revealing clothes around him, even things like shorts or knee length skirts, because he would stare.
We both have accounts of him exposing himself to us when we were alone with him, he did it once to each of us at the age of 16 and 18.
Matt said that our stepdad had once had him ask out a woman for him, and said that he once had sex with a married woman. He is 12, and didnt know about what was going on in the past. He never mentioned it before because he didn't think it was a big deal, and he isn't comfortable telling the social worker about it. I suggested he go to someone he feels more comfortable with out of the people who work with our family, like CAMHS or school, and he says he will.
I am also concerned there is neglect going on at his house. The social worker says that the kids are not being appropriately stimulated in the home environment and that their emotional needs are not being met (the complete opposite of what the former social worker said). She blames me for this because I have Asperger syndrome, and she doesn't seem to understand that. I agree that the children's needs are not being met, but it is not me that is not meeting their needs.
I went to his house to collect the kids last Sunday after they had spent a weekend there. When I arrived, Lily answered the door. The door was unlocked and she was on her own downstairs playing video games in her pyjamas. Her father didn't hear the door, she said he was upstairs. I called up the stairs and Connor came down, I asked him where his father was and he said he was in the bathroom giving himself a haircut. Connor was dressed, he was wearing the same outfit he had been wearing when I dropped him off. Their dad finally came down a few minutes after Connor, and was surprised that I was there. On the way home, Connor said that he didn't realise he was wearing a second tshirt underneath the first until now. I said that I noticed when I took him to his dad's, but didn't send him to change as we had already set off, and didn't he realise when he put his pyjamas on? He said no, his pyjamas are still in his bag, he had been sleeping in his clothes all weekend because he was "being lazy". He said he had a lazy weekend and spent all weekend on the computer. This isn't unusual, once Lily wore her school uniform all weekend. Whenever I ask them what they did at their dad's they always say that they watched TV, played on the computer and played upstairs in their bedroom. I asked what their dad does and they say he watches TV and plays on his PS4 (I would say about 90% of the time I visit his house for whatever reason, he has Call of Duty paused on his TV, and the rest of the time a kid answers the door because he is upstairs). The previous social worker brought up the issue that baby Sam does not seem to have an attachment to his father, and suggested they spend more time together. I ask the older kids what Sam does at their dads as I can never get much of an answer out of him because he is two, they say that they play with him, and he likes to watch TV. I ask what their father does with him, they say that he changes his nappy/puts him on the potty. There is no difference in his relationship to his dad, but the new social worker says that Sam is more confident at his dad's house, because he came over to give her a hug and appeared happy to see her when she visited on a Thursday when the kids went over to have tea, but he generally stays with me when she is at my house. Also Matt has gone over occasionally but usually doesn't, and isn't expected to because he isn't his kid-he says one time that my stepdad threw a PS4 controller at him because he was winning at a game and being a bad winner, and another time he mentioned he was looking after the kids while their dad went to the supermarket.
The social worker never sees this as she has only visited the kids at his house about 3 or 4 times, most of those times were planned for a day he had the kids, and the other was when she showed up at mine for an unannounced visit and I told her to go to his house because he had the kids. I don't think she works weekends, but theres not much that can go wrong on the days they go over for tea (especially planned visits where he can make an effort), but she would be surprised if she went over on a weekend and saw how things usually are. She thinks he does an amazing job, and has never complained about the way he parents the kids, and I think it is so unfair how I get all of the blame and unannounced visits, and he can just plop them in front of screens all weekend.
Im planning to tell her this. I never realised how neglectful it sounded until I mentioned it to Robyn.
How long do you think it will take for them to change my social worker?
I have spoken to Robyn about not saying stuff about the kids dad in front of them, and when they did have an argument, I had my brother in law take the kids upstairs.
Robyn and I feel that our concerns about our stepdad sexually abusing us as teenagers has not been taken seriously by the social worker. When I told her in May last year because of his creepy conduct towards me recently (staring at my breasts and making crude sexual comments about what he wants to do to members of the core group) and handed her a diary I had been keeping of things he had said, as well as detailing the things he did to me and my sister when we were teenagers. She then went and asked him if he had ever made any sexual comments to me, both recently and in the past. He said no. She says there is no proof that it happened because he denied it and its our word against his. The only evidence I have to prove it is a diary entry I showed her, from when I was 18 and he exposed himself to me, and screenshots of a conversation with a friend on Facebook back in 2011 when I told her about what he had done. Then a few weeks later, when Robyn was in town, she came over and asked her what he had done in the past. She says we have no evidence to prove it, so theres nothing she can do-and besides, it started when we were about 12 (I was 12 when he met my mum though), and our little sister (age 6) isn't old enough yet, so there is nothing we can do. Robyn is a psychologist, and she thinks his conduct raises a lot of red flags and doesn't think our social worker is taking this as seriously as it is.
This is pretty much what happened:
From being a teenager, he would use sexual language in front of us, telling dirty jokes and talking about his sex life in full view of all of the kids, and comment on our developing breasts. He stopped this for a bit after Mum died, but then started doing it again in about April this year, following me upstairs when he came up to visit the children and I went to clean the bedrooms/bathroom and put the clean laundry away, and telling me about the explicit sexual things he wants to do to members of the core group, and wishing he could watch me have sex with them. He also used to send Robyn sexually explicit Facebook messages when she was about 15, she recently went through her messages and found them, and plans to show them to the social worker.
He would creep on our friends too, none of our friends wanted to visit when we were teenagers because he might be there, and would stare at their legs and breasts. He would also add our friends on Facebook and comment on their pictures telling them they were beautiful, and if they didn't accept his friends request he would complain to us about them and try and get them to accept, even about Robyn's friend's little sister, who was at the time eleven years old-he didn't seem to get than eleven year old girls should not be willing to talk to grown men on the internet.
He would make us sit on his lap, try and hug us against our will, barge into our bedroom whenever he went upstairs just to see what we were doing, Robyn once woke up to find him standing at the foot of her bed staring at her when she was about 15. We felt uncomfortable wearing revealing clothes around him, even things like shorts or knee length skirts, because he would stare.
We both have accounts of him exposing himself to us when we were alone with him, he did it once to each of us at the age of 16 and 18.
Matt said that our stepdad had once had him ask out a woman for him, and said that he once had sex with a married woman. He is 12, and didnt know about what was going on in the past. He never mentioned it before because he didn't think it was a big deal, and he isn't comfortable telling the social worker about it. I suggested he go to someone he feels more comfortable with out of the people who work with our family, like CAMHS or school, and he says he will.
I am also concerned there is neglect going on at his house. The social worker says that the kids are not being appropriately stimulated in the home environment and that their emotional needs are not being met (the complete opposite of what the former social worker said). She blames me for this because I have Asperger syndrome, and she doesn't seem to understand that. I agree that the children's needs are not being met, but it is not me that is not meeting their needs.
I went to his house to collect the kids last Sunday after they had spent a weekend there. When I arrived, Lily answered the door. The door was unlocked and she was on her own downstairs playing video games in her pyjamas. Her father didn't hear the door, she said he was upstairs. I called up the stairs and Connor came down, I asked him where his father was and he said he was in the bathroom giving himself a haircut. Connor was dressed, he was wearing the same outfit he had been wearing when I dropped him off. Their dad finally came down a few minutes after Connor, and was surprised that I was there. On the way home, Connor said that he didn't realise he was wearing a second tshirt underneath the first until now. I said that I noticed when I took him to his dad's, but didn't send him to change as we had already set off, and didn't he realise when he put his pyjamas on? He said no, his pyjamas are still in his bag, he had been sleeping in his clothes all weekend because he was "being lazy". He said he had a lazy weekend and spent all weekend on the computer. This isn't unusual, once Lily wore her school uniform all weekend. Whenever I ask them what they did at their dad's they always say that they watched TV, played on the computer and played upstairs in their bedroom. I asked what their dad does and they say he watches TV and plays on his PS4 (I would say about 90% of the time I visit his house for whatever reason, he has Call of Duty paused on his TV, and the rest of the time a kid answers the door because he is upstairs). The previous social worker brought up the issue that baby Sam does not seem to have an attachment to his father, and suggested they spend more time together. I ask the older kids what Sam does at their dads as I can never get much of an answer out of him because he is two, they say that they play with him, and he likes to watch TV. I ask what their father does with him, they say that he changes his nappy/puts him on the potty. There is no difference in his relationship to his dad, but the new social worker says that Sam is more confident at his dad's house, because he came over to give her a hug and appeared happy to see her when she visited on a Thursday when the kids went over to have tea, but he generally stays with me when she is at my house. Also Matt has gone over occasionally but usually doesn't, and isn't expected to because he isn't his kid-he says one time that my stepdad threw a PS4 controller at him because he was winning at a game and being a bad winner, and another time he mentioned he was looking after the kids while their dad went to the supermarket.
The social worker never sees this as she has only visited the kids at his house about 3 or 4 times, most of those times were planned for a day he had the kids, and the other was when she showed up at mine for an unannounced visit and I told her to go to his house because he had the kids. I don't think she works weekends, but theres not much that can go wrong on the days they go over for tea (especially planned visits where he can make an effort), but she would be surprised if she went over on a weekend and saw how things usually are. She thinks he does an amazing job, and has never complained about the way he parents the kids, and I think it is so unfair how I get all of the blame and unannounced visits, and he can just plop them in front of screens all weekend.
Im planning to tell her this. I never realised how neglectful it sounded until I mentioned it to Robyn.
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