Need some advice please.

[2912]

My partner (who is not my child's father) was convicted of having indecent images of children and sentenced to 9 months in prison. I had a phonecall from the social services a few weeks ago asking me questions. I was advised to get a disclosure and think about things and let them know when he was due to be released if I was still in a relationship with him. I went for the disclosure and had a visit from the police 2 days ago. They told me they couldn't tell me more than I know as my child is not at any risk due to him being in prison. I have since had a phonecall from the social services yesterday asking me the same questions as a while ago but I was at work and couldn't really talk, I have had another phonecall this morning asking the same questions, I explained that I keep getting contacted by different people asking the same questions and don't seem to be getting anywhere so they said they were going to assign someone to come out and see me. The police basically told me the social services will make my life and everyones around me hell if I decide to stay with him. My partner was the only person there for me through alot of things that have happened in the last year. I have already received threats towards me and my partner from my child's father just for being with someone who is in prison and it would get alot worse if he were to be told why. I asked social services if I ended the relationship but were still friends with him would that be allowed and by what was said that would be a no. I'm just really struggling with what to do and any advice would be great if anyone has been in this situation.
Many thanx.

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear 2912

Welcome to the Parents’ Discussion Board.

My name is Suzie and I am an Adviser at Family Rights Group.

I am sorry that you find yourself in this position as a result of your partner’s conviction. It is a very serious situation for you and your child. At the moment, as he is in prison Children Services is asking what you intend to do when he is released, knowing what reason for his conviction.

You say that your partner has been there for you over the last year. Clearly, you see him as being supportive and you may want to be there for him when he is released from prison. However, you have a child and the nature of offence means that Children Services would not be happy that he is in your child’s life as they will consider him to pose a risk to your child. Children Services’ role is to ensure that children are looked after safely in their home and not at risk of significant harm.

The police visited you but did not give you full information about your partner, have you considered that there may other serious issues of concern to Children Services. How open has your partner been with you about his past? If you are still in the dark about what full disclosure might show, then it would suggest that he has not told you about previous convictions whatever they relate to.

If you decide to remain in a relationship with him or be involved with him so he comes into contact with your child, then Children Services may decide to instigate child protection enquiries. I have included a copy of our advice sheet about child protection procedures for your information.

Your child’s father is already upset that you are involved with someone who is in prison. Does he share parental responsibility with you for your child? He will do if he is on the child’s birth certificate and he or she was born after December 2003. If you were married to the father when your child was born he will also have parental responsibility. If he has parental responsibility then he is entitled to be informed by Children Services if they decide to carry out child protection enquiries so he is likely to know about your partner’s conviction. Our advice sheet about parental responsibility that is, the responsibilities and duties to a child is for your information.here

You do need to think very seriously about whether you intend to remain in a relationship with your partner and how this will affect you and your child. Sometimes, Children Services can carry out risk assessments but this depends on the nature of their concerns and if they believe it is better for the child’s welfare for a person to be out of the child’s life.

I am sorry if you find this information difficult but I believe it is best for you to know what might happen in your situation. Hopefully, others who might have been in the same situation will be able to give you information about how they dealt with it or what Children Services did in their situation.

Please telephone our advice line if you would like to speak to an Adviser. The advice line is open Monday to Friday from 9.30 a.m. to 3.00 p.m

I hope you will find the information helpful.

Best wishes,

Suzie

[2912]

Hi, thank you got getting back to me. The police told me that as I already know what he's convicted for there's nothing else to tell basically. Sorry I may not of worded that correctly. I understand that he would never be able to have contact with my child and I am completely willing to make sure he never does. I would only see him when my child is with his Father as he shares custody. Yes he has supported me a lot and I would like to be there for him when he is released, even just in the end if the phone! He understands that we probably can't have a relationship.
It just seems that everyone who has contacted me has a very low opinion of him even though they have never met or spoke to him all they have read is the conviction and judged. It's more difficult for a person who knows him and feels alot for him to just turn there back completely.
He's in prison for another 8 months and alot could change in that time. I'm just feeling slightly ambushed from every side at the moment and him being released is such a long way off.

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear 2912

Can I suggests you contact Lucy Faithfull Foundation as they have expertise in offering support to families in a similar position to yourself.

Just for your information, our advice line can be contacted on 0808 801 0366

I hope this helps.

Best Wishes


Suzie

[Shaftesbury]

Hi 2912.

My situation is very different to yours but at the same time has similarities so I thought I may be able to offer some help. You can read my thread on this board a few posts down under the heading "Sex Offender Partner & Residency of Children".

In my view and experience, if you want to continue your relationship with your partner, your children will likely be put on a Child Protection Plan and Children's Services will be very concerned about the risk your partner may pose to them. Your children's father will also be able to take legal action against you, possibly applying for residency of any children.

However, it just might be possible for you to continue a friendship or even a relationship with this man if you can assure CS that he will not come into any contact with your children. My ex took me to court and obtained a Prohibited Steps Order which bans this and I am fully aware if I break the terms of the Order my children may be removed from my care and I will not ever risk this happening. Therefore I co-operate fully and will not breach the Order.

However, do be aware that if you are able to continue a friendship / relationship you will always have CS involvement the whole time. It isn't as bad as people fear and so long as both you and your partner co-operate and behave yourselves you shouldn't have anything to worry about. Although relations with your children's father could also remain strained.

Please bear in mind these are my thoughts from my experience and I can't offer any guarantee of what will happen in your case. I just wanted to give you some hope that you might be able to at least continue a friendship but that bear in mind that just may be all you can ever have and you will need to accept that.

Good luck - I hope everything works out for you.

[Murray72]

Hi,
I have experienced this first hand and have posted numerous times on this topic. My advice is separate with this man, CS will assess him based on the crime he committed and the likely hood that he may go onto commit further offences. Based on the information that your partner is in prison I can only assume that he had a large number of images or they were level 5 on the copine scale.

If CS get involved an assessment will open every area of your life up to scrutiny, your child's medical records and yours if you give them permission. They will contact the children's schools, in my case Grandparents and Aunts and Uncles. They will almost certainly speak to your child's father, I am surprised they have not done this already. And they do share information with these people and ask them similar questions to what they have asked you.

Some people do go onto live with sex offenders after positive assessments with CS but you have to complete courses regarding offending behaviour and your partner has to fully accept any future risk he may pose to children. And then of course the reality to yourself is not been able to leave the room for 2 minutes to put the kettle on, of leaving the little one alone whilst you do some chores or answer your phone. These are the expectations CS will have on you.

To give you a very quick summary of my case my child was in FC for 4 years due to my ex downloading indecent images, prior to that CS fought me in court for 18 months to remove the child from my care, he was prosecuted, committed to prison, and I divorced him but still I had a relentless fight to get the child returned to my care.

I assume CS are preparing for your partner release and they are ascertaining your position.

[2912]

Hi Shaftsbury.
Thank you so much for your reply. I understand that he would never be able to have contact with my child and I would stand by that and follow rules completely, as with you I would never risk my child being taken from me. He didn't live with me before he was convicted and won't when he's released.
I have a meeting with Social Services on Wednesday so I suppose I just have to wait and see what they say.
I find most people who I speak to already have an opinion that he's a terrible person. When I asked if having just a friendship would be allowed the reply was 'well if you'd want one with one of these people' which without knowing anything other than what they have read I felt it a little wrong. But I guess that's the sort if thing I'll have to deal with!
Everyone I have spoke to have made out the social services will try and ruin my life so it's good to hear not the opposite but better from someone with experience.
Thank you again!

[2912]

Hi Murry72
Thank you also for your reply. Most people close to me already know what he has done, except my child father as I get threats and we argue alot. But he shares custody and just like with anyone else I only see boyfriends/friends in that time as I have never interrupted my time with my child. He would not be around my child at all as I know from what I have read that would be what the social services would be concerned about whether we are in a relationship or just friends.
I guess I just need to wait and see what happens next with the meeting.

[Shaftesbury]

Regarding CS involvement - everybody seem very afraid of this but in my experience its really no big deal. It is their job to ensure children are kept safe so of course they will speak to your doctor, your child's schools, your relatives etc. So long as you know you have NOTHING to hide and are abiding by all the rules and doing as you're told there is nothing to worry about here. I think its more the stigma that CS are involved. My children are on a protection plan and this sounds like a terrible thing, but as a mother I want my children protected. That's my job too. So if everybody else is aware of the situation and is keeping an eye on the safety of my children that's only going to be a good thing. Its only when people are doing something wrong, or plan to do something wrong, that it really becomes an issue I think. Under the protection plan I have to have six monthly conferences with social workers, police, head-teachers etc to adjust the plan if needed and six weekly meetings with the same people to discuss how its going. At first I was absolutely terrified because it was all new to me. Now I turn up, we discuss casually how things are going, and go away until the next meeting.

My relationship means a lot to me and my "boyfriend" has helped me through so much but I do accept we can probably never have more than we have now, but I would rather have this than nothing. We are both realistic about the situation. If you have read my thread you will know that he was imprisoned for three counts of sexual activity with a 15 year old girl and one count of grooming about 8 years ago. Its not the same as your partner's crime but is a child sex offence nontheless and so CS will have similar concerns.

At first CS told me they would have "grave concerns" if I even wanted to stay in any sort of contact with this man. That was back in January. Now here we are 8 months later and I am allowed to continue my relationship so long as I keep it well away from my children. I admit my husband took me to court and it was absolutely hell - one of the worst days of my life - but the judge ruled that nobody could tell me to end my relationship and also that the children should stay with me. He did, however, grant the prohibited steps order banning me from bringing the children into contact with my partner, but I did agree with that order being made and will stick to it 100%.

Murray seems to have been in a similar situation to you so I would definitely heed her warnings though, since every case is different so please tread really carefully. My advice really is to listen to everything CS tell you and go to any conferences or courses or counselling they advise you attend but DON'T BE AFRAID. If you are to continue any sort of friendship with your partner they need to be sure they can trust you not to bring him into contact with your children and the only way for that to happen is for you to listen to them and let them help you protect your children.

I'll be keeping an eye on this thread so do let us know how things go.

[Murray72]

My advice when dealing with CS is simple and I repeat myself often on these posts, always cooperate with CS, always be honest and open, and always stick to any agreements/court orders.

When my ex was initially arrested in 2007 I naively thought my family could stay together and my ex was not a paedophile that harboured a sexual interest in children. I also took some very poor advice. The cost to my children was huge, one child removed and the rest left to grieve for a broken family with no support offered. My eldest children were abandoned by CS and various other agencies and this causes me great despair to this day. I did not discover FRG until after the final hearing in 2010 and they have made a huge impact on my situation over the years.

I do think the reality of living with a sex offender is simple there are no grey area's or blurred lines if your partner has looked at this material or groomed a child then they have done this intentionally for sexual gratification and any future with these men is risky. Just because these men do not have access to your child does not mean they are not seeking out other ways to achieve this.