Sex Offender Partner & Residency of Children

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Suzie, FRG Adviser
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Re: Sex Offender Partner & Residency of Children

Post by Suzie, FRG Adviser » Mon Jul 13, 2015 3:46 pm

Dear shaftesbury,

Thank you for updating us.

When your partner comes off the Sex Offenders Register in 3 years time, he may still be a risk to children. To find out whether his risk has diminished-(because of courses/support that he may have undertaken,) you should ask for a further risk assessment.

I am not sure whether he will be forensically assessed as part of the SOR de-registration. You could contact the Lucy Faithfull foundation confidentially and ask them for advice about this.

You could also ask them about support for yourself and self protection work that your children could be involved in-knowing how to protect themselves from your partners risk to them. What would they recommend?

In respect of the prohibited steps order, appealing would not be possible unless the court had made a mistake in law – such as failing to take into account an important piece of evidence or taking into account a piece of evidence that should not have relied on.

Instead, you might be able to ask that the PSO be varied or discharged if you had the evidence that your partner is less of a risk to your children.

In the meantime, keep cooperating with children services and the child protection plan.

Best wishes,
Suzie

Shaftesbury
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Re: Sex Offender Partner & Residency of Children

Post by Shaftesbury » Tue Jul 14, 2015 2:25 am

Thank you for your reply. It was very informative and helpful.

I will certainly continue co-operating with Children's Services and the Child Protection Plan since keeping residency of the children and keeping them safe is my number one priority.

I appreciate all the help I have received on this site, thank you.

Shaftesbury
Posts: 39
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Re: Sex Offender Partner & Residency of Children

Post by Shaftesbury » Wed Sep 02, 2015 1:02 am

I am back for a little more advice, please?

As you know, my children are on a Child Protection Plan due to my long distance relationship with a registered sex offender.

However, the advice I am seeking is regarding my children's father, my ex-husband.

After my ex didn't win residency of the children back in April he told the CS in not a very polite manner that he didn't want to be involved with them any more. He has been rude to them and hang up the phone and CS have accepted this. CS don't see this as a problem at all but I don't understand how they cannot want to keep him involved to ensure he, as one of the two most important and influential adults in the childrens' lives, is safe and stable and doing his best by the children. He has not had his house checked out, nor his relationship, and he hasn't been seen with the children at all. CS have no idea how he interacts with them or how safe they are in his care.

Not only has he rejected CS but he has also broken two of the terms of the Child Protection Plan without recourse. All CS say is he was invited to a meeting to discuss it but he didn't attend. Therefore it has been left. Further, my ex has issued threats to me recently. He has a history of issuing threats towards me and even the children and CS know all about this yet they still say he should just continue to see the children as normal and are still not bothered about checking up on him, his life, or his mental health.

All CS seem to be bothered about is checking I am not bringing the children into contact with a sex offender who lives 200 miles away. They are completely and utterly ignoring the risk posed by a man who lives a few streets away who sees the children regularly and has in the past threatened to kill them. They don't care that he has breached two clauses of the CPP yet I bet if I so much as slightly breached one I would be in serious trouble. It all seems like a major box ticking and back covering exercise and I'm getting very frustrated with it.

I have done absolutely everything that has been asked of me and more. CS seem to be putting more and more rules and restrictions upon me and I am doing everything I am told yet my ex gets away with anything and the more he sees he can do this he does. But I'm being backed more and more into a corner. The latest thing is the fact I was asked to provide the names, addresses and dates of birth of all the people who would be staying at a friend's house when I planned to visit her for her child's birthday party in another county. I was unable to obtain this information and therefore I was unable to go. This is NOT in the CPP - it was a new rule CS threw at me when they leant I was going to be taking the children away. Am I required to provide this information if it isn't in the CPP? If I took the children to visit a friend without telling the CS the info they require would I get into serious trouble? So far I have gone along with every little thing that has been asked of me but it seems the more I do, the more rules they decide to make up.

I'm getting pretty sick of the fact its one rule for my ex (who can basically do whatever he wants without recourse) and another rule for me (who has to do absolutely everything I'm told for fear of my children being removed). It doesn't seem fair to me. I understand I have to do as I'm told and have no qualms with this, but its just the fact my ex is allowed to breach the Plan and make death threats and it is COMPLETELY overlooked and I am ignored everywhere I turn, like my fears don't matter.

I apologise if this is long and ranty but its late and I wanted to tap it out before I go to bed. I would like to know if I have a right to feel aggrieved about this and if so should I start to think about making a complaint? Or who can I speak to about this? Because I feel like there is currently nobody who will listen?

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Suzie, FRG Adviser
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Re: Sex Offender Partner & Residency of Children

Post by Suzie, FRG Adviser » Fri Sep 04, 2015 11:31 am

Dear Shaftesbury

Welcome back to the Parents’ Forum.

I am sorry to see that you are still feeling frustrated by Children Services involvement with your family and in particular about their different attitude towards the children’s father and you.

Firstly, I think you need to recognise that Children Services will be more concerned about what you do because the children are living with you and not their father. I really do understand your feeling that he should be scrutinized as much as you since he is a parent too and should be concerned for his children’s wellbeing. However, Children Services cannot make him be interested in his children or to engage with them if he choose not to do so.

If the children stay over at his home for contact then, I do not think it is unreasonable of you to believe that checks should be made by Children Services to ensure that it is a safe environment for the children. Do the children make any complaints about the time they spend with their father or how he treats them at contact? It may be that you are feeling upset at being under scrutiny but as I said you will be because the children live with you.

In your post you say that the children’s father has made threats against you. You should report any threats against you or the children to the police.
Children Services will be concerned about you and your relationship as they are concerned about the safety and welfare of the children. Your partner is a sex offender and, as such, they are worried about the children being put in an unsafe situation with you and your partner. I am sure you understand their concern since you are doing what they have asked to ensure that you can have your children with you and also have your relationship.

You do not say what in the Child Protection Plan your children’s father breached. It will depend, as far as Children Services is concerned, how this impacts on the children.

Regarding the request for you to provide the names and addresses of people who would be attending a child’s birthday party seem unreasonable especially as your children were invited along with other children. I think Children Services may have been concerned whether any person might be a sex offender or not allowed to be around children. As your children are on Child Protection Plans they might have considered it a reasonable request to make. Children Services may also have been concerned that because the party was in another county that your partner might be there.

As I have already said, if your ex-partner is making death threats to you, this is very serious and you should report the matter to the police.

I suggest that you write a letter to the Social Work Team Manager, copied to the allocated Social Worker, setting out the concerns that you have about your children’s father, the request for details of people attending a child’s birthday party. You should ask for a written response setting out what action they intend to take regarding the children’s father or an explanation of a decision to take none. You can also ask why the Child Protection Plan is being added to by preventing the children attending a birthday party without any review taking place.

If would be helpful if you say in your letter that you are writing because you wish to continue working with them and want to know why things are being done or not done. That it is not a complaint but a wish to work openly and honestly with Children Services. Keep a copy of your letter. If you are not happy with the response, then you can consider whether you wish to make a formal complaint or not.

I am including copy of our advice sheet relating to challenging decisions for your information.

Should you wish to speak to an Adviser, please do telephone our advice line on 0808 801 0366. The advice line is open Monday to Friday from 9.30 a.m. to 3.00 p.m.

I hope you will find this helpful.

Best wishes,

Suzie

Shaftesbury
Posts: 39
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Re: Sex Offender Partner & Residency of Children

Post by Shaftesbury » Mon Jan 18, 2016 9:59 pm

I have a very special event coming up and I wanted to celebrate it at my house. I wanted to invite my partner who is a registered sex offender. The children were to be away and I had planned to pull down all the photographs of them and lock them in the children's bedroom. No children were to be invited to this celebration.

However, today I checked with my social worker as to whether my partner could attend this event at my house and he said definitely not. Is this reasonable? The children cannot be harmed in any way and my partner would not be able to get access to photographs of them or any of their possessions.

chrissy
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Re: Sex Offender Partner & Residency of Children

Post by chrissy » Wed Jan 20, 2016 8:20 am

Hi,
I was in relationship with sex offender. Although what he did was bad, but he touched the breasts of his 15 year old step daughter. Ive been told by his family and friends his wife set him up, but at the end of day he went to prison. The ss got involved and I had to keep him away from family home, which I did. Previous to that I took my daughter to Wales most weekends to spend time with him, she never went in his flats, she was never left in the car with him. I took steps to put her safety first. The ss made the contact stop between my boyfriend and daughter, which I did totally. 6 months later after a lots of meetings a conference I was taken to court, my daughter now lives with my sister, who is going for an sgo next month. I get one and half hours a week supervised contact. My daughter won't be returned to me, and its a bitter pill to swallow. I'm on a non offenders forensic course for 18 weeks to teach me how to have some around my child safely. I can hope for unsupervised contact, but the ss is horrible we don't get on at all. I was told last week if I get unsupervised from court over sgo, and I have any contact with my boyfriends it goes back to supervised. Lots of stuff has been twisted and the ss change things all the time. They tell you one thing then write things down to look bad. The SOR becomes a label that sticks. If your boyfriend comes of in couple of years tell him to ask go on the courses that are available you can also in that time be assessed as a couple but that's hard to do with ss, it is not impossible for him to have a family life, but there is a lot of work and courses to do, and might not pass. I made a bad decision and I'm now suffering it. You show to me your putting your children safety first, but in the ss eyes it will never be good enough.
x

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Suzie, FRG Adviser
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Re: Sex Offender Partner & Residency of Children

Post by Suzie, FRG Adviser » Wed Jan 20, 2016 2:10 pm

Dear Shaftesbury

I am sorry that you are in this difficult situation at present regarding your partner attending a special event at your home.

You are clearly upset and think the social worker is unreasonable in saying that your partner cannot attend at your home even though your children will not be present. It may be that the social worker is being cautious since it would not be possible for children services to monitor this event. Although you say no children will be invited, it may be that the social worker has no guarantee of what might happen there, there might be no small children, but you must remember any person under 18 is still technically a child.

It does of course depend on what is in the Child Protection Plan and any written agreement you may have signed with Children Services.

Although Children Services are not really able to tell you what to do, it would be a risk, and one you have to decide if you are willing to take, for you to go ahead and have your partner in your home. I suggest that you ask the social worker in writing to explain the reason your partner cannot attend when your children are not there. Alternatively, you could ask to have a meeting with the social worker and the Team Manager to discuss having your partner at the event. The fact that you informed the social worker of your intention makes it clear that you are not trying to deceive Children Services. You may also like to seek advice from the Lucy Faithfull Foundation on 0808 1000 900.

Have you, since starting your relationship with your partner, attended any course to help you understand better the concerns and how to recognise what sign could amount to abuse? You have in the past indicated that you might want to have your partner having minimal contact with your children. Perhaps you could ask the social worker about such a course. This would show that you are prioritising your children’s safety.

I hope you will be able to resolve the situation with the social worker.

Best wishes,

Suzie

Shaftesbury
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Joined: Thu Jan 29, 2015 8:08 pm

Re: Sex Offender Partner & Residency of Children

Post by Shaftesbury » Wed Jan 20, 2016 9:46 pm

Hello, and thank you for your useful reply.

The people who are attending this event are all aged between 26 and 50.

As for a written agreement, this is a grey area, and perhaps you could clarify for me please? When children's services first became involved in January 2015 they asked me to sign a "written agreement" which was to last two weeks to the "review date" which says that I will meet my partner away from the home. At the first child protection conference it was stated that this agreement would remain in place and was written into the protection plan. However, after my ex obtained an Order at court preventing me from bringing the children into contact with my partner I have not heard or read about the written agreement ever since. Therefore, does this mean I am bound to not allow my partner into my house - ever?

I have emailed my social worker to ask for an explanation - that was 48 hours ago and I haven't received a reply yet. I am quite worried, actually, that he is now doubting my judgment for having made such a request. However, I thought it was better to ask the question and be completely up front and honest about everything. I truly will not break the Order and take all advice from CS. However, I do feel that because they know this they make unreasonable requests of me, such as having to give them the names, dates of birth and addresses of everybody the children meet if we travel out of county, or not allowing my children to go alone to play-dates with their friends from school.

I am about to start a course which is intended to help me understand about sexual abuse and sexual grooming. This was on the recommendation of professional assessors since it was decided that I need it because I refuse to believe my partner is grooming me in order to get to my children when they are teenagers. My children are currently very young and I have already been seeing my partner for 2 and a half years. Truly, if he is grooming me, he's playing the LONG game! However, having said all that, I've always remained alert to the possibility, and still do. I just don't think CS will ever believe I can be trusted simply because I choose to continue this relationship.

Anyway, thank you for your advice. If you could clear up my query regarding the written agreement that would be great.

Regards.

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Suzie, FRG Adviser
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Re: Sex Offender Partner & Residency of Children

Post by Suzie, FRG Adviser » Thu Jan 21, 2016 10:32 pm

Hello Shaftesbury

Regarding the written agreement, this is not a legally binding document but a written record of an agreement between you and children's services. As such, you are not legally bound to stick to the agreement. Clearly, however, you need to be mindful of the implications if you do breech the agreement, particularly in relation to how you are viewed by children's services.

If children's services perceive that you have broken an agreement made with them, this could seriously damage the trust that you have worked so hard to establish and may lead them to escalate your situation further. The safest approach to take, therefore, is to assume that any agreement previously made remains in place unless you have specifically been told otherwise.

If you feel the time is right to challenge this agreement, do so in a clear and constructive way- emphasise why you no longer feel the agreement is relevant to your situation and/ or in your children's best interests and, perhaps, offer an alternative agreement that you would be happy to sign to satisfy children's services that you continue to prioritise your children over the your relationship.

I hope this helps.

Best Wishes

Suzie
FRG Adviser

Shaftesbury
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Joined: Thu Jan 29, 2015 8:08 pm

Re: Sex Offender Partner & Residency of Children

Post by Shaftesbury » Tue Jan 26, 2016 2:52 pm

Thank you for all advice so far. I have another question!

First of all though I thought I would just update after my last query regarding my SO partner visiting my house while the children are not present. CS have explained to me that it could be interpreted as a step TOWARDS bringing him into contact with my children, and that this would raise concerns with them that my partner had talked me into it and therefore it might appear he was grooming me. They advised me that while they cannot stop me having my partner here, that all the while the children are under child protection they would not recommend it due to the fact it would ring alarm bells for them at this point in time.

I accepted their explanation and understand their reasons. I assured my social worker I would not allow my partner into my home and would continue asking for permission in the future when boundaries were unclear. I said I hoped the fact I had asked on this occasion wouldn't go against me and he said no, that he was pleased I had asked and that was a positive thing.

And so onto my next question. I realise we have drifted away from the original purpose of this thread but I thought it just helps to keep everything in one place.

A year ago when CS first became involved with me my ex-husband told them I self-harm. When CS asked me about these claims I informed them I had once (20 years ago) scraped the back of my hand down a wall for attention because I was jealous that my boyfriend was talking to another girl. I was in my teens, it was a silly thing to do, and I've never done anything similar since.

However, in EVERY report that has been written about me it always says I self-harm, and no matter what I say and how much I offer to go to a doctor and get my whole body checked over these comments are still present in all reports written about me. I have been told there is no need for me to go to a doctor but do you think I should just do so anyway, to prove I don't self-harm? I'm quite upset that anybody should be allowed to continually write about something in official reports, which isn't true, especially when I am being judged on it for something as important as how well I can parent my children.

I have no problem with reports being written that are accurate but I'm increasingly finding discrepancies and it upsets me that CS and other professionals seems to think they know my life better than *I* do!

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