Husband downloading child images

rainrain
Posts: 3
Joined: Sun Jul 13, 2014 11:51 am

Husband downloading child images

Postby rainrain » Mon Jul 14, 2014 10:34 am

Please help, as the title states, my husband has been accused of downloading childrens images from the internet. The police searched our house from top to bottom at the beginning of May this year and removed various computers and storage devices etc and he is currently on bail until Nov this year. He has admitted to doing it and he said " I have never really known him and he's a monster". We have been together for 17yrs (married for 13) and have 2 children under 12.. The social services have been involved and are happy with me and how I am bringing up my children and he is not allowed to live in the house with us.

On the morning(7.30am) the police arrived it was just myself and the children in the house as my husband was away on business and so they witnessed the police searching their bedrooms and taking things away. As a result of this we have told them that daddy has been very naughty and has been downloading files he shouldn't have been and as a result I am extremely cross with him and so he is longer living with us. My son, the oldest child, assumes it's work related etc but the 2 of them are still very confused. I am still in shock over it all and 2 months down the line still think I'm going to wake up and it'll all be a dream. My whole world has been turned upside down and my best friend and husband has admitted he isn't the person I thought he was. I just don't know what to do my whole life is just a complete mess as a result of his actions. I have only recently started telling people we have separated but then you get the shock from people as we were such a close couple and they have all the questions etc as well as wondering why he no longer collects the children from school and why when I'm working he doesn't look after them etc. I just seem to have to keep telling little lies to cover his dirty secret.

In my head I know that we can no longer be together but my heart still loves him, although I'm disgusted by what he has done I guess that bit will just take time to adjust. His mum still thinks we can work our way through this and stay together but I don't, am I being unreasonable and should I try to make it work for the sake of the children? I know that whatever the outcome he will be on the sex offenders register and so never allowed to be left alone with the children so as the SW said I would be a prisoner in my own house as I wouldn't be able to pop to the shops etc.

I have never felt so out of control f things as I do at this moment in time. If I didn't have the children I would have run away but I'm early 40's with 2 young children and so I must stay and face up to whatever the circumstances.

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Suzie, FRG Adviser
Posts: 2088
Joined: Mon Jul 04, 2011 2:57 pm

Re: Husband downloading child images

Postby Suzie, FRG Adviser » Mon Jul 14, 2014 1:10 pm

Dear rainrain,
Welcome to the parents forum.

I am sorry to hear about the distressing time you and your family have been having. It must have been very shocking when your husband admitted to you what he had been doing. Both you and your husband are cooperating with children services which mean that your children are being protected from your husband’s potential abuse of them.

Until he has had a risk assessment, children services will assume that he is high risk. When is this assessment taking place-do you know? Or are they waiting for the outcome of the criminal proceedings? .

If you have not done so yet, you could also speak to the Lucy Faithfull Foundation. They can offer expert advice to families about risk assessments and also whole family support where there are concerns about sexual abuse.

Best wishes,

Suzie

Redjellybeans
Posts: 6
Joined: Thu Apr 24, 2014 3:03 pm

Re: Husband downloading child images

Postby Redjellybeans » Tue Jul 15, 2014 11:11 pm

Hi Rainrain

I've been a very similar position to you this year, I completely understand your feelings at the present time and the confusion you are facing. I have sent you a message.

Redjellybeans

Seadog01274
Posts: 54
Joined: Sat Jun 23, 2018 1:18 pm

Re: Husband downloading child images

Postby Seadog01274 » Thu Jun 28, 2018 8:41 pm

This is a very similar situation to where I am at right now. At what point should a risk assessment be done by SW? I only met her for the first time yesterday and she came and chatted and took notes then came for a very informal chat with my daughter today. But I’ve no understanding of where things go now?

PerfectlySafeDad
Posts: 61
Joined: Tue Aug 23, 2016 2:57 am

Re: Husband downloading child images

Postby PerfectlySafeDad » Tue Jul 17, 2018 1:30 am

Three points to make about this case:
1) your husband IS the man you've always known, it's just that he got sick and had this poison as part of him. Your confused feelings of still loving him are instinctively correct. He was speaking out of his own shock and shame at the arrest, and society's stigma.
2) It's a truly awful thing for Suzie to say 'your husband's potential abuse of his children' - such a thing is a rarity even within sex offender cases. Such a sickening presumption of risk in this most precious area of any parent's life is indicative of the grotesque witch hunt it has become.
3) Your 4-year-old asking when will daddy be home is also indicative of the above. That should wrench at the authorities heart strings, and in effect is child abuse from them.

Seadog01274
Posts: 54
Joined: Sat Jun 23, 2018 1:18 pm

Re: Husband downloading child images

Postby Seadog01274 » Tue Jul 17, 2018 9:17 am

I’m in the exact same position as yourself. 5 weeks ago, knock at the door at 8:30am, 2 police officers came into my house in front of my 8 year old daughter and openly stated why they were there and what they were doing. I was in complete denial as I’ve been with my husband for almost 4 years, we only got married on the 2nd June this year. He came home from work an hour later than usual and openly told me he’s had a porn addiction for the last 15 years. He poured his heart out to me about his “secret life” he had been hiding from me. He said he has suffered depression for the last 10 years because of it and hasn’t dared speak to a soul. I also deeply love my husband, he is my best friend and my soul mate. Social services came a week after the police after I rang them 3 times needing some support and answers and help! After 2 weeks I had made my mind up that my husband needed my help, not abandoning. I do not in any way condone what he has done but we have spent many hours talking about what he’s done, the consequences for our entire family, and working out how we can get him help. As his wife and his soul mate I want to do everything I can to support him. He is still my husband and still the person I love he’s been in a very dark and scary place for an awful long time. My social worker has asked someone else to take over the case as she doesn’t feel she is qualified enough to be dealing with us. All the not knowing, been told it could be up to a year until he is scentenced is probably the worst bit. As I have decided I want to try and rebuild our relationship my social worker has escalated the case from a child in need plan to a conference that will happen in afew weeks. I am trying to see this as a positive as everyone involved with my daughter will be there and as far as I understand this is a meeting to ensure the rules are set out and that everyone involved feels happy with the decisions. I have my daughter sleeping in my bed, crying herself to sleep because she doesn’t understand why my husband isn’t here. He isn’t her biological dad but he is her best friend. I am extremely worried more and more options are being taken away from me. You have to be extremely careful how you word things to social services. There seems to be so many of us women left with the mess of this kind of situation and very little support for us out there. I spend most nights on the internet looking for answers and hope and help. I am here anytime you need someone to just pour your thoughts out on. I have friends and family who have been great and are trying to support me the best they can but deep down I know how they all feel about my husband now. You really don’t know until you have been in this situation. I feel very early in to what is going to be an awful long up hill struggle but I believe there must be a way to rebuild a family from this. My husband has mental health issues along with a porn addiction. I don’t believe he is a monster or a pervert as many have been calling him. He is a person who was so scared of telling anyone and asking for help because of how society reacts to such things. At times I wish I could hate him, it would make my life so much easier if I couldn’t stand being anywhere near him. At times I feel that for a moment and then I remember the last 4 years we have spent together and everything he has done for us as a family. I wish you so much luck in your life, it’s so difficult to explain to children. As my daughter is 8 she understood what the police said and went straight to school the same day and told people at school what had happened. The police left me with that mess to sort out, trying to explain to an 8 year old that my husband had been downloading illegal things like films and music and that his head is poorley so he’s had to go stay with his mum. It breaks my heart if I spend too long sitting and thinking about it. I know people just say “stay positive” and “keep busy” but I know exactly how lonely and frightening it is. Your entire life is taken away from you and as you say it feels like a nightmare that you will wake up from at some point, please feel free to message me anytime, sending you so much love xxxx

PerfectlySafeDad
Posts: 61
Joined: Tue Aug 23, 2016 2:57 am

Re: Husband downloading child images

Postby PerfectlySafeDad » Sat Jul 21, 2018 10:23 pm

I can only wish you all luck (and myself and my broken family) with these monsters - the CS, the true monsters in this. They destroy families and hope and exacerbate paranoia. Their 'due process' takes far too long, ludicrously and tragically so, and in the meantime grieving children are left missing out on parental contact for entire school years at a time. The Directors of Children's Services all ought to have the decency to resign on principle, in admittance that the system is a shambles and failing to do justice to each case on its merits.

Kami2018
Posts: 81
Joined: Sat Jun 16, 2018 5:08 pm

Re: Husband downloading child images

Postby Kami2018 » Sat Jul 21, 2018 10:56 pm

I can't believe I'm reading you calling children services monsters for putting steps in to place to protect your children at the end of the day as hard as I know it must be for both of you and a total shock how can you justify calling chiodren servies monsters they are doing therenjob and anyone thats willing to stand by a sex offender to me is simply as bad as them children's services have every rights to protect children in society and that's it , so many people slate them for simple doing a job as much as I understand your life is turned upside down and obviously your heart broken and in shock as anyone would be u can never justify a sex offender no matter how how minor or massive the crimes they commit are at the end of day there still a sex offender and no sex offender should have a relationship with a child un supervised never I'm sorry to be harsh but its the truth

Seadog01274
Posts: 54
Joined: Sat Jun 23, 2018 1:18 pm

Re: Husband downloading child images

Postby Seadog01274 » Sun Jul 22, 2018 9:09 pm

I would never justify what my husband has done. But social services feel to just want to cover their own backs and make sure nothing can come back on them. I have spoken to women on here who have chosen to try and support their partners and have agreed to live by all rules laid down by social services and some social workers aren’t happy at this and have proceeded to remove children from their mothers. This is not a fair system. Until you are in the position to be going through this with someone you love you can never say what you would do. My husband needs help, not abandonment. Social services don’t have any emotional involvement. To them things are black and white and there is nothing in between.

Kami2018
Posts: 81
Joined: Sat Jun 16, 2018 5:08 pm

Re: Husband downloading child images

Postby Kami2018 » Sun Jul 22, 2018 11:05 pm

As much as I sympathise with you seadog I do know what I'd do I'd walk away as there would always be a risk in my eyes and as much as I loved the person they wouldn't be the person I thought I'd loved after finding something like that out I could not support a sex offender in any shape or form


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