Need advice fast PLEASE

juliejac66
Posts: 6
Joined: Thu Nov 17, 2011 10:25 am

Need advice fast PLEASE

Post by juliejac66 » Thu Nov 17, 2011 12:04 pm

Hi All
Wondering if anyone can help me with this.
Basically daughter (aged 15) told a friend in confidence her brother used to abuse her when he lived at home. Friend betrayed confidence as friend did not believe my daughter and called her a liar. All hell broke out. I as you can imagine are devestated, my husband inital reaction wanted to tear his son limb from limb. My son has his own family and not live at home for 5 years or more, he also has a daughter.
I have 6 children and 1 with downs syndrome. No stranger to SW (disabilities team).
On the 18th October 2011, the Police, Child Protection and 2 SW's decended on me with questions flying everywhere, I did not know what had hit me.
Then I was told that these allergations from my daughter about her brother was historical. I asked how long ago, they did not know.
I have worked things out and the last time according to my daughter was 8 years ago.
The police obviously arrested my son, I have not had any contact with him either neither do i want any. SS made my daughter in law sign a piece of paper so none of us are allowed contact with our grand daughter/niece. My son has been removed from his home by the SS.
It turned out also that I have a 20 yr old daughter and she spoke out as well. BUT, they do not want to make a statement against thier brother, as they said they still love him even tho he has done wrong.
I will not influence my children in anyway to what they want to do, only give them all the options and let them make up their own minds.
Obviously the police are pushing for a conviction yet I can not see how they can without my daughters making statements.
The SW rang me and said she is going to befriend my daughter and talk her into having an examination to make sure that she has no STD's. I said if she had any bacterial infection, when she was in hospital any infection would have shown up then, so it is clear she does NOT have any STD's, even tho the docs were not looking for them they wouldhave found something wrong and investigated further at the time.
I personally think this is a disgrace, and think this come under the heading of GROOMING, which I thought was illegal? Please advise if this is not the case.
SW is coming out next Monday and stated over the phone "ON MY OWN".
Why now have they decided to do a core assessment when this ended 8 years ago?
why are they pushing for my daughter to have a virginal exam?
My daughter has stated to the school and her peers she wants all this to stop now, to get on with her life, all she wanted was support from people to help her tell US her parents what has happened in the past.
When I told the SW what my daughters wishes were she replied "Im not going anywhere, your family needs help"
My daughter also stated that if anyone touches her or goes anywhere near her to examin her she will "GO NUTS".
I have signed a form with the school for the school pysch to see her and behavioural support, I will do what I can for her. But they cant be forcing her into things and thats exactly what they are trying to do.
I think the core assessment needs to be completed by the 5th December 2011.
We have done nothing wrong and my children are not in any danger. Yet I feel like im having the finger pointed at me. The truth is, IF SS gave me more respite for my disabled child when I asked for it 10 years ago, I may have been able to spend more time with my other children and some how deter what my daughters had been going thro back then.
Do I need a solicitor? the SW has not indicated I need one, but on Monday seeing me on my own? I think its a ploy to bully me into something, I am not willing to sit there and be lectured by a person who does not know my family or my children.
Please can anyone help?
Sorry for the long post.

TKH
Posts: 26
Joined: Sat Aug 20, 2011 11:59 pm

Re: Need advice fast PLEASE

Post by TKH » Thu Nov 17, 2011 2:14 pm

Your daughter can not be made to have any exam but you must help her to vacalise this in an appropriate way.Why not show you are pro active take her to your local GUM clinic she can talk through what options are available but she does not have to be examined and you can be with her if she wishes.This will show at ss that you are not standing in her way and that you have actively sought to help/protect her make contact with local Rape Sexual Assault Centre no in phone book or email / message me they have lots of help leaflets and advice even councelling for you and to support you supporting her! This will take wind out of ss when they have their meeting. It is also the right thing to show your daughter that asking for help is ok an important message to someone who is obviously looking for help/understanding.

juliejac66
Posts: 6
Joined: Thu Nov 17, 2011 10:25 am

Re: Need advice fast PLEASE

Post by juliejac66 » Thu Nov 17, 2011 3:36 pm

Thank you for your input.
I was going to get funds together and pay private to get this done as they screen for specific things without having to be examined, cost £290 for a full sexual health screen.
Our local chemist also screens and cost £30 per test.
So you see I have already looked into this but she is determind NOT to have anyone else
touch her. I can see it from her point of view yet I am trying to get her to come with me to the
local well woman clinic (basically sexual health clinic) where she can have all this done for free.
Next step is to get her to come with me and her sister. I think once her sister gets involved, she will come round. She says she will have all the blood tests in the world but no one is touching her below.

TKH
Posts: 26
Joined: Sat Aug 20, 2011 11:59 pm

Re: Need advice fast PLEASE

Post by TKH » Thu Nov 17, 2011 6:04 pm

dont push just organize and state clearly that you expect her to come and hear what they say.but you will respect any informed decision she makes - dont forget the RASAC help-just as important as physical well being but be patient. Find numbers and pin them up in the home so she has them to hand if she needs them. Keep her off teen abuse sites on the internet they hare infested with abusers posing as other abused kids!

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saddadandy
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Joined: Mon Oct 03, 2011 7:05 pm
Location: spalding
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Re: Need advice fast PLEASE

Post by saddadandy » Thu Nov 17, 2011 7:28 pm

hi sad to hear all this please dont ever listen to ss to hear whats really happening google one voice for the kids and parents injustice group scotland and finally holly grieg and child stealing by the state i have a abused wife we lost our kids to care dont trust ss and never give permission for a internal if this happend years ago the ss police they are all for making the child and the parents liars and letting off the abuser as i said read the facts on google uk column newspaper is also good to find the truth sorry solicitors cant be trusted google solicitors from hell in your area good luck god bless you can find me on parents injustice group
We support mums and dads when there children are taking in to care to find justice blogging site.

http://www.parentsinjusticegroupscotland.co.uk

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Suzie, FRG Adviser
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Joined: Mon Jul 04, 2011 2:57 pm

Re: Need advice fast PLEASE

Post by Suzie, FRG Adviser » Thu Nov 17, 2011 8:50 pm

Dear juliejac66
I am sorry to hear about the distress that you and your family have been going through. Children Services and the police have been conducting a joint investigation into the allegations made by your daughters. CS have taken appropriate protective measures against your sons children-by asking him to move out of the his home while they continue to investigate.

In respect of your children who still live at home with you, CS are conducting a core assessment. As part of this assessment, CS have made the suggestion that your daughter undergo a child protection medical. I think the reason that this would have been suggested is that your daughter would have been a virgin before and they need to ensure that she does not have a sexually transmitted infection.

However, given the circumstances your daughter has a right to say that she does not want to take part in this and you as Mum has a right to support this.

Also as part of the assessment, CS are going to want to talk to you about your involvement in this situation. This may be why they want to see you on your own on Monday. This is a normal part of the assessment-as they will be discussing such sensitive issues –for example, they do not want your other children to hear. They will want to know as much as possible about the context when your daughter was sexually abused and may want to know why your older son took on baby sitting duties. Further questions will be asked about what why he felt so confident that his sisters were not going to tell his parents or anyone else and his parents would not find out. The core assessment is a very detailed assessment. Please see either advice sheet 9 on child protection or on 4 family support services that outlines what core assessment is.
http://www.frg.org.uk/need-help-or-advice/advice-sheets
You seem to be doing everything that’s in the interests of your daughter. You had no idea that your daughters were sexually abused. The question about whether you protected your children and can still do so will be explored-but having no knowledge of the abuse was not your fault.
You do not need a solicitor on Monday-as this meeting appears to be part of the core assessment. If you are not happy with any of the meeting you can always ask that the meeting ends and come back to this forum for advice or contact our advice line.

Best wishes,
Suzie

juliejac66
Posts: 6
Joined: Thu Nov 17, 2011 10:25 am

Re: Need advice fast PLEASE

Post by juliejac66 » Mon Nov 21, 2011 2:11 am

Thank you for all your replies, its past midnight and I can not sleep hence posting so late on the forum.
I have/had 6 children as stated previously, and have had 10 years involvement from the Disabilites Team SW's. My son was born with Downs Syndrome. It is also logged that my eldest son used to help sit with the other children whilst I took my disabled son to hospital appointments etc, there was never any problem with him looking after the other children, (or so I thought). The SW and CS already know all this as they have been in contact with the Disabilities Team. Also my hubby had a nervous breakdown years ago and I asked for help from the disabilites team as I was caring for my hubby and disabled son at the same time as well as the other 4 children. I had help from the time my DS son was 5 years of age, before that only home help was given when my son was hospitalised in places we had to stay with him due to being on life support for the 1st 2 years of his life. He was on life support 3 times in total.
My hubby has since made a full recovery :D Also back in work and has been for a while working away.
I never really had anyone to take the weight off for the 1st 5 years of my youngest sons life and basically had to get on with it, only a few hours home help here and there each week. Which was gradually reduced to nothing.
Yet on speaking with my now 15 year old daughter, I asked her how and when he had a chance to do all this to her. Her reply was deverstating to me to be honest, I was in tears. She said that when I had a doctors/hospital appointment with her younger brother, he would do it then, also she remembered one time when I was actually in the house and the kids were upstairs playing in their own rooms (so I thought). I was cooking dinner in the kitchen?? This I can not get my head round.
I asked my eldest daughter if she knew about this happening to her sister. Her immediate response was NO and if she knew she would have killed him.
I am at a loss, I thought by keeping my children inside the house I was protecting them all. How wrong was I?
He was my son I trusted him. I feel hurt, betrayed, disgusted at him to the point I never want to see him again.
He made a phone call to my home the day my daughter went public. He was crying and his words were "Mum help me, I have not done anything". As a parent, the right thing to do would be to help him. Now a month later its turning to hatered for doing what he did to my girls and tearing our family apart.
On a better note. On Friday I sat my daughter down and had a chat with her. She agreed to come to the GUM clinic with me. She has had the tests and she did NOT have to be examined. They gave her the swabs and she did it herself. So at least thats one less thing to worry about.
I just want to get her through all this and get her back to some type of normality. As she stated all the time the CS/SW's are coming back it is making her worse. And to be honest I can see what she means. We have a few weeks of getting on with life, then a phone call or home visit, putting us back to square one yet again. I know they are just looking out for the childrens welfare, but this happened to my girls not me, I am just having to pick up the pieces and try to make sense of it all.
Anyway Goodnight all...Update tomorrow :?

TKH
Posts: 26
Joined: Sat Aug 20, 2011 11:59 pm

Re: Need advice fast PLEASE

Post by TKH » Mon Nov 21, 2011 1:45 pm

Well done you,
you have achieved an amazing amount already.The biggest thing is you girls are talking to you! It is very much harder when they shut themselves off. The tests (if they are clear) will be a huge weight off your minds, the relief takes a while to register. Keep talking. Keep looking at things that might help improve things. Are your girls registered young carers, they do not need to be actively involved in your sons care to qualify? - The support my kids have received from this has been amazing for their confidence and self esteem. As diffycult as it is you just need to accept SS involvement and expect very little in the way of support but they may surprise you.You sound like a loving,strong family with one rogue character who is still your son. He has betrayed you all and you will all have mixed feelings but your other children are the ones worthy of your care and concern now. I've been there its hard. Best wishes.

juliejac66
Posts: 6
Joined: Thu Nov 17, 2011 10:25 am

Re: Need advice fast PLEASE UPDATE

Post by juliejac66 » Tue Nov 22, 2011 9:40 pm

OK Monday came
Considering my appointment was an afternoon appointment, the SW turned up at my home at
10.30am. I was furious to say the least as I was in work. Furthermore they got my 20 year old out of bed whom is ill. I was left a note stating that they would like to speak with me on Wednesday afternoon and then take my youngest daughter for a MCDonalds, and would pick up my 15 year old after football practise on Wednesday (Football practise is actually Tuesdays).
All the information I am giving them with regards to the families everyday life is falling on deaf ears so far, the SW has not taken any information given on board, and I feel as tho I am just a number with a problem at this present moment in time.
They also asked my eldest daughter if it would be ok if they can take my 15 years old daughter for these tests My daughters reply to this was, I am a sister NOT her mother you will have to discuss this matter with my mother not me.
I do admit that they have not been informed that my 15 year old has already been for the tests
Yet I know for fact this is the reason for them wanting to take my youngest out tomorrow for dinner, the SW did state that they will be taking her and trying to befriend her in order to gain info ( since when was grooming legal?) So I am going to ring her in the morning to tell her NOT to bother trying to talk my daughter into having the tests as she has already had them, therefore no point in the visit, unless she wants to talk to her about other things of course, and in that case she is more than welcome to come, but my daughter wont see it like that. Yet its up to my daughter to tell her what she wants, its not up to me. I will go with whatever she decides.
My daughter missed school today also, looks like she has either a throat infection or tonsilitis. We shall see tomorrow when I take her to the Doc's to get her checked out.
Watch this space.

juliejac66
Posts: 6
Joined: Thu Nov 17, 2011 10:25 am

Re: Need advice fast PLEASE

Post by juliejac66 » Wed Nov 23, 2011 7:31 pm

Hi All

Today was ok, the SW turned up at the correct time, I left her in the front room with my 15 yr old ill daughter hence she could not go for dinner with her. I have video recorded the whole interview, and I have just finished watching it back. I was invited to sit in with my daughter yet, I left as they need to ask the questions. I have not done anything wrong so no fear about what is being said, and I know my daughter will put them straight and tell them how it is.
I did hear my daughter say "I dont want you coming here to see me anymore your just reminding me of the whole thing over and over again", the SW said I am not hear to talk about what happened to you. So her requests for them to leave her in peace and get on with her life have been ignored. I was not in the room for most part of the interview which was good, at least my daughter could express her feelings without my involvement.
I was asked if Me and her Dad hit our kids...Have u seen my kids? They are bigger than me, I would get a slap back lol. The best way to punish for wrong doing is hit them were it hurts the most.....Take their Blackberry away (OMG you would think the world had ended once you do that).
Some good news came out of this today. My baby grand daughter we have not seen her since the 22nd September 2011. The forms that my daughter in law signed was for us not to be in contact for the 1 night ONLY. There is no problem with us or the family in my home going to take her out or see her as the risk is not here ;-)
I am angry my daughter in law has not informed us of this, basically I know she is angry, but she is denying her family contact with her. So another problem I have to deal with.
They are coming out again next week.
I did finally ask what they were actually doing as I have not been informed of the process, yes its a core assessment, yet the SW was adamant she informed me of what was taking place, then blamed me cause my head was all over the place when this went public.
SW was supposed to have given my eldest daughter a phone number last week of a support network called Pathways, she never got back to her with the number as promised.
I was finally given the number an hour ago.
I also told them I am on this forum, they told me not to trust you lol....I did state it was started by Social workers but nope they would not have any of it. And I was told not to believe everything on the internet. Im nearly 50 years of age hello??
Take Care xx

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