Written agreements?

[Loulou2013]

Social services got involved with my family as they said my then partner was a risk to my children as he had pleaded guilty in court to domestic abuse on his former partner. They were wanting to put my children on a child protection plan as they said he has not finished his courses or probation ect he is still a risk. When they first contacted me I was already pregnant by him. Iv now had my baby. They have made me sign an agreement stating I will not enter a relationship with him or let my children witness dv. (Which they never have) I have signed this of course as I didn't want my kids part of cp. my question is even tho I have agreed to this now what would happen in the future when he had finished his courses and proved he is safe to be around his child (they say he's allowed into my home to see his baby) but not my other children? If we were to make another go of things in months/years time would they put my children straight on the register? They said it's very serious if I break if which I won't be but surly at some point and because he's allowed contact with his child they will not think he's a risk if all courses are completed or will they go down the mud sticks avenue an never trust him?

[seekingsupport]

Hiya,
It's difficult to say really but there are things you and him can do to help rebuild SS trust that your children would not be at risk from your ex.
Ideally he needs to complete all of his courses, attend any and all contacts without fail with his child and behave appropriately throughout, and engage well with SS and the SW. Attending all meetings regarding his child and conducting himself calmly and respectfully, and showing hepts and understands where he went wrong is a big step as far as SS are concerned. The key thing for SS to see is a demonstration of change on the part of your ex. They need to see he's changed, essentially. It might mean a bit of biting lips etc but tell him it's a means to an end and to keep in mind the bigger picture. If he can take some parenting courses, a perpetrator course and maybe look at some counselling as well as anger management off his own back - even better.
As far as you're concerned - engage in the Freedom Programme asap. It's really very good and you'll probably get a lot out of it anyway. As well as that, take some confidence building courses and assertiveness courses, and try to engage in your local dv group (most places will assign you a key worker who can come to SS meetings with you, which always helps). Take some parenting courses yourself and engage as much as possible with SS. What they need to see from you is that you can distance yourself from your ex until they deem him no longer a danger. Think independent strong woman!
If you stick at all of the above, you'll both be in a really strong position with SS. Good luck!
Xx

[seekingsupport]

Hepts = he accepts.
Sorry!

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Hi Loulou,

Welcome to the parent’s discussion board. Thank you for posting. I can see that you’ve posted this twice, once in the Rules of Use area, so I have deleted that post and just answered you here.

I’m pleased to see ‘seeking support’ has replied to you. You have had some really good advice from her.

In terms of resuming your relationship with your partner in the future, it would be sensible to ask Children’s Services, the new name for social services, what they would want to see happen before they would agree to it. They cannot stop you from resuming your relationship but it is wise to find out whether they would have any concerns about your children’s welfare if you did, so you can make an informed decision. You need to demonstrate that your children’s welfare is your priority and that you want to have a positive working relationship with Children’s Services.

Nobody can tell you what the outcome will be and whether the children will end up on a child protection plan in the future but the likelihood will be reduce if you both do to as much as you can to alleviate the concerns Children’s Services have. As ‘seeking support’ said, it is likely that Children’s Services would require your partner to attend courses like anger management and perpetrator programmes and to demonstrate that he is not a risk. It would also be beneficial for you to follow ‘seeking support’s’ recommendations regarding the actions you can take.

Best wishes

Suzie

[Loulou2013]

Hi thanks for your replies. My social
Worker really does not tell
Me anything very clearly, from the start of him being involved he has not given me any written correspondence, no copies of assessments they've done an no copy of the agreement I signed, only giving me threats about what they can do if I didn't leave my partner. So obviously I listened as I was scared once they mentioned child protection. What I don't understand is they are quite happy to have him in my house with my new baby alone but if we were to have a relationship they would put my own children on cp? They have been very unclear from the start and my baby has had many problems and has been very ill for the first few months of his life, I feel as If they have played on my emotions and as I said been very unclear as to what they want me to do!?

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear LouLou
I am sorry the social worker has not been clearer with you and has not given you copies of the paper work. Do ask for a copy of the assessment and the agreement you signed, you are entitled to them both and it would be helpful for you to have. In terms of why Children’s Services would allow the father in the house to see the baby but not to be near the older children, all I can suggest is that you ask the social worker to explain their view of the risk more clearly. This is why you need to see the assessment, to understand what the analysis of the situation is.
In terms of your relationship with this man in the future, as I said before, you will need to discuss this with Children’s Services, ideally at a point when both you and the dad have had some support and things have changed for both of you. It may be that a child protection plan would be a sensible way of managing the situation. Children’s Services may always be concerned about the dad’s presence in the children’s lives, and if he were to resume contact with them, they may want to monitor it by placing the children on a Child Protection Plan. Sometimes they become satisfied the children are safe, and a plan is no longer needed. Other times, they never feel the risk has gone away. So my advice for now is to take it one step at a time. Start with trying to get some clarity over the assessment of the risk, and how that risk can be managed by both parents working constructively with Children’s Services and other agencies.
I hope this is helpful
Suzie

[Father2be]

Don't listen to this Suzie. She says "I am sorry" quite a lot but I am sorry Suzie, but I do know that you are not sorry and couldn't care less about what emotional turmoil people like this go through on a daily basis due to your kind.

[Miserylovescompany2]

Hello

Suzie's role as the FRG adviser is just that. To give advice. The historic posts were in relation to DV. I have read the responses Suzie gave and they are detailed and informative.

Do you have an ongoing concern yourself relating to Children's services? Maybe Suzie could offer you some advice from her years of experience.

[PerfectlySafeDad]

Yep, much as I detest and fear social services - and with good reason I think, as it's evident you don't actually need to put a foot wrong to end up in one of their investigations, so God help you if you have done something wrong - the advisors on here (however many Suzie's there are) are just that; advisors. They have to give clear and objective facts about the process, in the face of a phenomenon which many of us have reason to believe has reached tyrannical proportions, in order to help us find a realistic way through it. It's an awkward position, treading a fine balance to condoning a tyranny and being supportive to traumatized people.
My advice to anyone is save your anger for the actual social service staff (management particularly) - although don't show it to them - because I think they truly are thick-skinned to the point of not caring about the hurt they put people through in order to satisfy their 'duty'. I don't believe they have to be that way, and indeed many social workers are undergoing counselling themselves for the stress of the job (my counsellor tells me this), but this means the most sensitive workers leave the profession whilst the toughest (which gets recognized as 'ablest') remain and rise to the top, thus perpetuating the cruel nature of it all.
In their defence, it comes at least in part from lack of resources and staff, so they have to make judgements from afar, shut people's family lives down whilst they make their assessments that take months. They need to have the humility to admit they make mistakes, though (they never do), and that their assessments of risk are only 'in their opinion', instead of just using massive draconianism to guard against any possibility of a mistake whilst claiming this as 'expertise'. The tyranny is in the system, a social panic at large, rather than any individual initiating it, but then the hard-hearted individuals come along who thrive on it and justify it and enjoy big salaries in managing it. They'll protect their jobs and reputations at all costs, because it's their holy calling in life that their egos rest on (their own personal lives probably a mess), and they rarely get convicted of 'protecting a child too cautiously', even though this does bring with it a lot of damage and pain, but they get hammered for a child that does get hurt whom they failed to act on
But whose fault is that? It's the government for lack of investment, or their own incompetence, or a mixture of both. It's not right that droves of vulnerable and safe parents have to carry the burden of this.