Borderline personality disorder. Complex issue

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Calm6077
Posts: 2
Joined: Sat Aug 31, 2019 11:10 pm

Borderline personality disorder. Complex issue

Post by Calm6077 » Sat Jun 13, 2020 4:48 pm

Right I'm going to start by saying I know just what I've done wrong, I know the damage it has caused and I am admitting my problems.

I suffer with borderline personality disorder.
Me and my ex partner were together roughly 5 years. During this time we had a couple of shouting arguments and pushing from both of us but nothing serious. However the police were called and when they came, I don't know why. I couldnt help it but I exaggerated the fights. It was although my brain disconnected and my mouth came out with whatever it wanted to. Alot of Damage was caused by these lies. My partner got arrested, I was referred to women's aid etc. I dont know why I did, maybe because i was in too deep and i didnt know how to hold my hands up and say, I did this I'm the bad guy. I was referred to Marac and i struggled badly with mental health, guilt made me take overdose etc.

Fast forward to finding out I am pregnant may 2019. I realise I cant keep going like that, I cant keep shouting and handling life in a bad way so I take an online mindfulness course, I read all I can about my condition and do everything in my power to learn new coping strategies and how to have healthy conversations. For the whole pregnancy I continue working on this. And had no episodes of self harm, I recognised my mental health started to slip at about 26 weeks so I contacted my doctor and he started anti depressants and these worked very effectively. I was able to attend college throughout the pregnancy and birth and felt really well. My ex partner and I decided that in order for I to get better it would be better to not be in a romantic relationship. And he, his mother and his family have been supporting me despite what I did.
Since the baby was born i was told not to allow the father near me or the baby unsupervised so we were allowed to be at his mothers house with our son because they felt he was abusive because of my previous reports.

I thought social services would conduct an assessment or something but they didnt speak to him at all. And they only briefly spoke to me on the phone and the opportunity to speak about our past relationship never came up. Now, I need to come clean that I was suffering much worse than I ever thought I was at the time with emotional regulation and relationships, I was unmedicated and used unhealthy coping skills such as self harm. I have applied for private counselling and therapy because although they are managed at the moment I do not want to risk myself getting Ill again. And on monday I will explain all of this to my mental health team.

However, because I was viewed as a victim of domestic violence I was the protective parent and my son 4 months has been in my care since birth, I worry that when I come clean they will remove him from me because the exaggerations were so deeply believed and I will admit manipulative to all professionals. I have been working on my mental health since pregnancy and I am well supported by the paternal side. They allow me and my son to stay over in their caravan whenever I need support. But I have lied in the past.

I am prepared to have a meeting to admit what I did.
I am prepared for there to be consequences, alot of work, rebuilding trust, visits and I'm ready to do all I can to work with them openly from now on. But my ex partners name needs to be cleared and he needs to be assessed as a safe person for my son.
My question is, what is going to happen when I come clean? Will they remove my son from my care while they undergo assessments? If so will he be placed with his paternal grandmother or his aunts or uncles? Or will he go into foster care. He is a lovely happy healthy boy. He smiles at everyone he eats well and I want to make him proud to say thats my mum when he grows up. And thats why I've taken these steps since pregnancy and will take anymore aswell.

What is the likely outcome after I admit this?
Ive read awful stories on social services and borderline personality disorder and I wont lie I am terrified but doing this for the good of my son.

Sorry it's a long one.
Thanks

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Suzie, FRG Adviser
Posts: 4210
Joined: Mon Jul 04, 2011 2:57 pm

Re: Borderline personality disorder. Complex issue

Post by Suzie, FRG Adviser » Mon Jun 22, 2020 9:30 am

Dear Calm6077,

Welcome to the Parent’s Forum. I am Suzie, one of FRG’s advisers.

Congratulations on the birth of your son. It sounds like he is thriving in your care.
You agreed to dad having contact with your son, supervised by paternal grandmother. You also seem to get a lot of support from dad’s family.

You have been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. The midwife would have known about this. If there had been any worries about your diagnosis, she would have let children services know. You seem to have a good relationship with your mental health team, GP and have accessed online support. If they had any concerns about you then they would have referred to children services.

Children services had carried out an assessment by phone and seemed satisfied that you are protective of your son and that you understood the domestic violence risks and that you agreed to paternal grandmother supervising dad’s contact. They did not speak to dad and I can see this worries you.

It sounds like you want to change the contact plan, is that right?

If you want to allow dad to have unsupervised contact or change any other aspect of the plan, then you need to let children services know. They will most likely carry out a further assessment and should this time risk assess dad.

You say that you exaggerated the domestic abuse that occurred in the past. You want to let children services know this and want to know what their reactions will be. Children services may decide to carry out an assessment again to see why you are wanting to amend the information you had previously given. While they do this assessment, they will want to ensure your son is protected from dad, in case they think the earlier account is the correct one. They may also be worried that you are now minimising, maybe unconsciously, the original violence as you may want have a relationship with dad.
I suggest that you speak to a local domestic violence support worker or contact the DV helpline at Women’s Aid about the dv you suffered in the past. Even a lower level of dv can be harmful to children. I am mindful how young your son is as well. This makes him particularly vulnerable. It is a good idea that you intend to speak to your mental health team who could make the referral to children services on your behalf and support you as well.

Your question is whether your son will be removed from you while they carry out an assessment.
On the information you give, he sounds like he is thriving with you. A separation from you at this stage could be traumatic for him. The main thing is to be open and honest with the social worker during the assessment. However, your exe will still be seen as risky (even if he is no longer risky.) So do not change the contact plans until you have spoken children services to discuss it further. In any event, your son can only be removed from you if you agreed to it or if children services obtained a court order allowing them to remove your son. To obtain an emergency court order, they would need to show the court that your son was in imminent danger if he stayed living with you. They would also need to show what support they have offered you. You would also be entitled to free legal representation.

If you stick to the current supervised contact plan, while the assessment is carried out and continue to work well with your GP and mental health team, then it sounds like your son will be safe. The main potential risk is dad and from children services and the polices perspective he is potentially dangerous, not only to you but to his son.

Here are some FAQ’s about domestic violence and children services.


I hope my advice helps but if you need further advice, please post again or call our advice line on 0808 801 0366.
Best wishes,

Suzie

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