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Mum vs Social. Advice needed!

Posted: Thu Sep 12, 2019 11:30 am
by StrugglingMum101
I’m sorry it’s such a long one, I’m out of resources and come across this forum and hopefully somebody has some advice for me!

Back in August 17 my partner of a few months was arrested for iioc. The police went about informing me in a very disrespectful way. They went to my grandmothers address, used her phone & told me over the phone in the middle of her kitchen, with her present, what had happened. Instant reaction was ‘oh my gosh, I don’t believe it’ - normal shocked reaction. They informed SS I didn’t believe them and I was to continue my relationship with him even though I have a young daughter from a previous relationship.

So, social ring me, I explained that he had explained everything to me once he’d been released under investigation. They did an initial assessment, he’d never been alone with her & I had told him I wasn’t up for dealing with it and that I think it was best we don’t see each other in that’s way anymore - case closed.

Fast forward a few weeks, find out I’m pregnant. Great, wonderful what do I do.. I decided I’d keep the baby, I told him and he was happy but also very worried. Seen the midwife etc, spoke to his solicitor about it and he said let’s see what happens during the pregnancy as it could be done by the time baby’s born. Nothing happened had my son, life was good.

Daughters nursery start asking her questions. Removed her from the setting, reported it to the owner & reported them to ofstead.

We’d been having casual sex, meeting up when I was child free etc kept everything very separate. I was still the mum I needed to be but I allowed myself to let my hair down.

Just before Easter this year a rape allegation was made by somebody against my partner, police come here to see if he was here I told them where they could find him. He wasn’t home at the time he called me an hour later asking if I could take him to the station so I get childcare and I go take him. I asked him to give me his phone as I pay the bill and legally it’s mine if they need it fair enough but I’m not just handing it over I want to know who’s got it and I want something to say they have it.

Go out for lunch with a friend and our kids. Pull into a parking space blocked in by a police car. Wonderful here we go. Asked what I can help with they have the power to search my car for said phone. I explain it’s not in the car it’s at home on the kitchen side let them do the search anyway & the person leading the investigation explains if I don’t go home and allow them to get it I’ll be arrested and they’ll smash the door in. I explained I’m out for lunch with a friend I’ve not seen for over 6 months with two hungry children. It’s going to take me an hour and a half to get home. My kids need lunch. Managed to get hold of a friend to allow police in with a key. Take mobile and Xbox.

Contacted social explained what happened, safeguarding is basically the same crossed paths for a few seconds here and there when I’ve waited for my mum to have my kids etc but got a letter two days later NFA. - still haven’t asked about my son nor have I told them. Clearly aren’t doing everything properly so leave them to their shambles. More for me to use against them should I need it.

Daughter starts school Monday, I explained how there’s one morning I have a hospital appointment in November and I’m struggling to find somebody to walk her to school & if the school agreed could I ask partner to take her? School now think I’m an a hole risk to my kids. Contacted SS behind my back didn’t even inform me first & my child hasn’t even started yet. Been told SS will be ringing me regarding the contact as on 2 occasions him and a mutual friend collected daughter from nursery as I was stuck in an accident. Nans 84 can’t walk far with COPD and dropped her less than a 2 minute drive away from the nursery to my grandmother. Never alone together always ensured I’ve done right by my kids first.

Now awaiting the phone call from the dragons den & see what bull they throw my way for this.

In my head I know the law is innocent till proven guilty. Obviously if I say this to social I’m a risk to my own children. So it’s a case of I know the risks, I did everything I could to ensure no alone time with child & so can you do one again please.

But this has been going on for over 2 years in total. The report to social from police was had 2 images and sent 2 images. These were sent to him on KIK as drop box files and he showed the lady he was sleeping with at the time as it was a mutual friend of there’s then deleted everything to do with him. I’m not being funny but the description he gave me means they fall into category C images. But now with the rape charge because he up’d and left as we’d basically had a falling out and he thought that would help him hanging too that’s been around 5 months now. Said person waited till evidence window was over & claims to of said no half way through isn’t rape as originally said yes - police from that investigation told me no risk to me or the kids and we could still go on holiday together which we did because the law told me I could and there were no conditions to his bail on either case. Was a lovely 2 week break I won’t lie.

Contacted his solicitor who was as helpful as a chocolate tea pot. Waiting on my family law solicitor to contact me again.

I don’t know the reason for this but am I doing all that can be expected of me at this point? Is it worth him chasing police or just leave it? I understand there’s a risk but there’s no evidence at present. Both arrests were ‘on suspicion of’ - if that makes any difference.
And as a mum I’m putting my children first. We can’t help who we fall for & im allowed to have a life too right?

Thanks in advance,

Re: Mum vs Social. Advice needed!

Posted: Fri Sep 20, 2019 8:22 am
by StrugglingMum101

Social call yesterday at 3pm want to come see me and my children at 4pm - told them that’s fine etc.

5pm she turns up, basically asks me to remove my child from the situation and asked if I could let her go upstairs to watch telly - professional right.

Undermines me the entire time, honestly wanted to take her head off. Remained calm & mature but as a 21 year old I didn’t expect her to turn and say ‘I’ll need to speak with your mum’. I’m 21. I’m a bloody adult with a damn sight more insight to life than this dolled up mess - I’m still ragging.

Can’t have ANY contact with my partner - she asked for my word I told her yeah fine whatever. When my mum got home as social worker was leaving - she had to be 20 minutes away and left giving herself 8... professional again. She was so patronising to my mum. She also tried to use scare tactics to persuade me my partner is a full blown peadophile & rapist. I nodded my head and said I see where your coming from etc. Then when she asked what I get out of this I said I have a friend who I can talk to, the sex is very good and he feels comfortable to talk to me. Now he’s grooming me, he’s putting me in a vulnerable situation. Like I’m not being funny if this women had half an ounce of common sense and met with him and he explained how this has come about she might get somewhere. She asked about his sexual orientation and then said you can get ‘gadgets’ to help in the bedroom instead of engaging with unsafe adults. I have no idea when she’s coming back but my mum works 9-5 and is out the house 8-6 Monday to Friday.

I’m off to see a solicitor today because I’ve had enough. The only thing I did learn is there is t enough evidence to charge my partner but even if he isn’t charged it’s still forbidden.

Any advice would be great because all I want to do is explode.

Re: Mum vs Social. Advice needed!

Posted: Sat Sep 21, 2019 12:52 pm
by StrugglingMum101
Thank you for the response Runnermum16.

I’ve been waiting 3 days + for a solicitor to contact me and have decided Monday I will be contacting yet another solicitors for advice.

I think the hardest part for me is I’ve been his backbone for 2 years. He’s back in full time work, hell i believe in the guy so much I’ve just bought him transport so he can depend on himself for getting to and from work. He’s always been so honest with me from the start and as a mother I follow my gut, I’ve not once had a bad feeling about him, he’s amazing with his younger siblings and our friends children and I don’t doubt for a second he’ll be amazing with my own. I’ve seen the pain on the guys face every time something happens or I tell him what happened with social, he wishes he could turn back time, he wishes he was ‘normal’ once again. I can’t believe the small mindedness of some of the social workers. Would of had more faith in her if her dress had been long enough to cover her underwear but when you look like that, give off that impression & have very little common sense, it’s hard to take them seriously.

How do they justify taking away his basic human rights when nothing has been done & no charges have been pressed. Idiots, all of them.

Re: Mum vs Social. Advice needed!

Posted: Wed Sep 25, 2019 3:48 pm
by Suzie, FRG Adviser
Dear StrugglingMum101

Welcome to the parents’ discussion board and thank you for your post.

My name is Suzie, online adviser at Family Rights Group.

I see from your posts that you originally had children’s services involved because your partner was arrested in respect of indecent images of children. The police did not pursue the case and your partner was not charged. Children’s services, after carrying out an assessment decided to close the case. Having said that, you do not say whether children’s services had closed the case on the basis that you and/or your partner would adhere to any particular requirements.

It appears that, after the case was closed, you found out you were pregnant. I am not clear whether you ever informed the midwife or children’s services about your pregnancy or the subsequent birth of your baby son. Despite this, it seems that you and your partner with your children have continued life together.

You state that your partner was more recently arrested because of allegations of rape and this also has been decided by the police no further action will be taken. I think it is important you understand that the police and children’s services are concerned with different issues. The police’s role is to establish whether there is a case which can be brought with a likelihood of a successful prosecution. In a criminal case, the test is beyond reasonable doubt. Children’s services, on the other hand, have a safeguarding role and statutory duties. Whether or not the police continues with a case does not mean that children’s services will stop their own investigations. The test for them is a civil test, which is on the balance of probability, this means that something is more likely to have happened than not.

Children’s services are continuing their enquiries/investigations to ensure that your children are safe. It seems that your partner was not open with you until after the police interviewed him originally. The subsequent allegation of rape means that children’s services will be concerned about the risk that he poses to you and your children. Whilst it is understandable that you wish to support your partner, children’s services will be of the view that your children’s needs should be put before your own. There is evidence that sometimes people are groomed in a relationship and this may be why the social worker has mentioned this to you.

I think you may find it helpful to make contact with Parents Protect 0808 1000 900 as they offer advice and support in situation like yours where sexual offences has been alleged. The NSPCC also offer Women as Protectors and you may wish to contact them. Whether or not you believe your partner would not pose a risk to your children, it is very important that you are able to show that you understand the risk and able to keep them safe. Part of this would mean not excusing, justifying or minimizing his behaviour.

It is not clear from your posts whether children’s services are carrying out s.47 investigations which relate to child protection. You say the nursery was questioning our daughter, were they part of plan or agreement to monitor your child? All professionals have a safeguarding role for children and are expected to make a referral to children’s services if they have concerns about a child. Please read our advice sheet Child protection procedures .

You may wish to speak to an adviser on our free confidential advice line on 0808 801 0366. The advice line is open from 930am to 3pm Monday to Friday.

I hope this helps.

Best wishes


Re: Mum vs Social. Advice needed!

Posted: Wed Sep 25, 2019 3:58 pm
by StrugglingMum101
I’d rather not speak to anybody at your firm should they all have an attitude like you Suzie.

Kind Regards.

Re: Mum vs Social. Advice needed!

Posted: Fri Apr 03, 2020 5:34 pm
by 1975scaredmum
Yep you are not allowed to be in a relationship or have any feelings towards a partner as this is seen as you not protecting and safeguarding your children they will only see the word rape and even if your partner is cleared of the allegations by the police they will still put children on a child protection plan I am going through the sane thing my husband had to be supervised at all times at home

Re: Mum vs Social. Advice needed!

Posted: Thu Apr 09, 2020 3:02 pm
by Suzie, FRG Adviser
Dear 1975scaredmum

Thank you for your further post.

I believe the comments you have made has already been covered in the post of 8 April in response to your earlier post.

Should you wish to speak to an adviser you can telephone our advice line on 0808 801 0366. The advice line is open from 9.30am to 3pm Monday to Friday (except Bank Holidays)

Best wishes