Post
by PerfectlySafeDad » Sat Jan 05, 2019 8:36 pm
The thing I don't quite get here is:
You're a victim, crazylady, quite clearly and quite tragically (I only say 'quite', because at least you are alive and have bravely managed to make a family life for yourself).
Child abuse offences are such a serious concern for the law and social services precisely because it creates victimhood, of the type you have described in your life.
So, you are one of the victims of what they are working against, yet now - years on, as you seek to recover - they target YOU and your family life, to all intents and purposes you're now labelled a 'could-be' abuser yourself, notwithstanding it is probably only 'emotional harm' they are looking at, or should we say 'possible emotional harm'?
You could be forgiven for descending into bitterness over this; where were these people when your Dad and stepfather were committing their abuses? If they'd done their job, you might not be in this mess now. I expect they were stretched thinly, as always (but it's not an excuse, you were a tiny child needing help), probably devoting a lot of their investigative resources on the plethora of 'might be a possible risk' indecent image cases instead of channelling them into on-the-ground here-and-now scrutiny of family environments such as the one you grew up in. Now, in my view, you are being made a victim of these very same 'prediction of risk by association' strategies, whilst with sad irony they are probably failing to come to the rescue of children out there crying for help right now.
I have to confess your story weighs heavily on me, with you being a living breathing example of a victim that my own offences (indecent image viewing) are said to indirectly create. Yet I also feel the anger I wrestle with every day, in that I was never nor could ever be the father (or step) you describe, but have only ever been a normal gentle loving Dad, nor did I or could I ever bring myself to do in person to any child what was done to you. Are those two men not responsible for what happened to you, and nobody else? They were not 'encouraged' to do it because of other men out there (like me) who might want to see images of it online; they did it because they wanted to, end of story?
I often wonder how actual victims of abuse view IIoC offenders, as opposed to the actual men in their lives who did the deeds? Who do you blame? Who do you want justice against? That, as I see it, is the acid test, because all we ever hear is the authorities and charities' opinion of who is responsible.
I'm truly sorry 'for' your horrible experiences, and if you hold the likes of me responsible then I'm also sorry 'to' you.
In any case, I wish you well in overcoming your issues and consolidating your family and the rest of your life. Unfortunately, I think you are now also 'up against' social services in achieving this, whereas they ought to be a supportive body. On a positive note, however, it looks like you can achieve this. Your strength in going to court, your concern for your children, the evidence they have been doing perfectly well not least your husband (their Dad) in your life, presumably solid and supportive. It's vital that that relationship is demonstrated to be secure, and that he himself is beyond reproach, if they don't already know that.
I too have been sectioned (2, for a month); suicide attempt, stress and stigma of my charges. Obviously I deserve less sympathy, and your attempts were repeated, reflecting the depth of your traumas, but at least I can offer constructive advice here: Stating the obvious perhaps, but by hook or by crook self-harm or even any hint of it has to stop, preferably also the alcohol. For me, the strongest (possibly only) thing that turned my MH around was valuing my kids, their loyalty and love and knowing they will be a happy part of my life forever, that they need me (despite my mess), assuming I don't self-destruct or offend again. Also, I value and enjoy physical health (sport). Can you substitute your alcohol dependency for some healthy or constructive interest? I'm sure it is not so easy, but you have much worth fighting for and you can do it.
The worst social services can do is disrupt your contact and quality of life with them for a time, but you'll get it back and won't ever lose them completely if you do as required. It's just time, rebuilding from your breakdown; you've come this far, the worst is over, you can go further (this is what I told myself). You must follow whatever advice and treatment the medical profession offers (or at least 'be seen to') and present as calmly as possible and with as much insight towards yourself as possible. Earn yourself discharge from all care, and where possible show you are surrounding yourself with good activities, groups and the right friends (defined as stable, responsible and caring in themselves). As you stack things up in your favour, and your kids are shown to be just fine, you can come out of this well. Above all, I'm sure it's just stability they are looking for, and that you are in control of your relationships and emotions.
Thanks for reading, I hope it's some use to
you.
