Time together as a couple advice

Posts: 65
Joined: Wed Jan 03, 2018 3:03 pm

Re: Time together as a couple advice

Post by May12345 » Fri Dec 21, 2018 7:42 am

I am silently cheering you PSD! :D That sentence about not supporting reunification not supporting rehabilitation is totally right.

I will fight tooth and nail for a choice because if I pass the LF course and get a satisfactory report and that's Dr's review of me AND my husband does all that is asked aswell we should have that choice and our children should have that chance.

Every visit lately thst SW has left me upset once he's gone home to his happy little family.

I was also upset last night because today is our wedding anniversary and thinking back to then and now is heartbreaking.

I rang Stop it now last night and got an answer right away! They have got more funding and upped their phone lines!!!
The lady thought my husband would have restrictions against living with children or being alone with them but I rechecked his requirements The Part 2 sexual offfences act 2003 the only part mentioning children is this:
Notify the Police if you have resided or
stayed for at least 12 hours at a household or
other private place where an under 18 year old
resides or stays

I don't know if any other restrictions and his probation officer wants him home so surely if by law he wasn't allowed to she would know?

He has no SHPO either despite CS pushing for one the judge refused both times!

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Joined: Sun Jul 02, 2017 6:55 pm

Re: Time together as a couple advice

Post by Miserylovescompany2 » Fri Dec 21, 2018 8:00 am

Hi May, below is the post I was referring to...written by OneTimeBadDad


This is the first time I have posted on FRG;

I am posting because I would like to spread a small amount of hope to offenders and families affected by a conviction for possession of IIOC

Everybody has a different experience, and I will keep my description as brief as possible

* Prior to May 2017; I had never been in trouble with the police, always an upstanding citizen, never unemployed, never a days sick etc.
* May 2017; I was arrested and charged with possession of 85 IIOC images (13 x A, 38 x B and 34 x C with 0 x videos.)
* May 2017; Refused bail, and remanded to prison (surreal..)
* Jun 2017; Sentenced to 14 months, with 7 inside (1 month already served on remand at sentencing)
* Dec 2017; Released
* Jan 2018; Separated from my wife, Children's services closed our case
* Mar 2018; Reconciled with my wife and Children's services reopened our case
* May 2018; Children's services then took us to Child Protection, and children (11yo and 17yo) were not placed on the 'Child protection' register but 'Child in need'
Then because of our determined and evil social worker [who had voiced concern at the first conference that not placing our children on the register was a big mistake]; a second CP conference was called and both children were placed on the register under the category of 'risk of serious sexual harm'
* Allocated new social worker from same borough due to family being unable to work with the old social worker
* New social worker was amazing.. pro-family (where sensible), and realistic about potential risks and appropriate levels of safeguarding
* Aug 2018; Wife and children moved boroughs to avoid local gossip
* Nov 2018; 3rd and final CP conference (a 'transfer in' conference) called in new borough. New social worker gave a well balanced description of progress with family since Children's services had been notified of the arrest. Completely different experience.. professional, competent and personable. Very different attitude from previous borough to this type of non-contact offence. Consequently, the outcome of last (3rd) CP conference was my eldest child (17) removed from CP register, and youngest child (12) kept on register but under new category ('risk of emotional harm' ironically caused by repeated questioning by professionals, which kept taking child back to the shock of the original offence)
* Two weeks after the last CP conference, I returned home with my family with very little intervention from CS

So after 7 months in prison, and a further 12 months battling Children's services (NB probation and PPU were very supportive) my family have been able to return to something resembling a 'normal' family life.
My lessons learned (yours may be different);
1) I caused my downfall (not Children's services), and the effect is similar to stepping on a landmine . i.e. As an offender, don't complain about the experience, just try to get everyone out alive
2) Prison is easier for the offender, than the family on the outside. My advice; think of it as national service. The prison culture and experience is similar, and the old timers had to do national service for 2 years
3) There is huge amount of luck which affects your 'experience' depending on the borough/authority which your kids live in, and pot luck which social worker you get within that borough/authority
4) As an offender, your wife/partner must NEVER say her partner is zero risk to your own kids. [Closest analogy is our pet dog; who after 9 years has never bitten a child. But being a dog he 'could' bite a child, so there are risks to consider objectively. Then either a) accept the risk, b) muzzle him or c) euthanise him, lol.. i.e. Just because everybody accepts there is a risk, doesn't mean a risk stops resuming a normal life. It would be foolish to argue outside of this logic, and you *really* do not want to appear to be foolish or defensive in this process]
5) If you live in an area where Children's services use 'signs of safety', you are more likely to experience an objective and professional experience
6) Document everything with Children's services, especially conversations, decisions and key dates. We initially experienced [and were subsequently able to evidence] many 'misunderstandings', innuendo and sometimes blatant lies

To repeat; I am posting my timeline because I would like to spread some hope to offenders and families affected by an arrest or conviction for possession of IIOC.

It can be like staring into an abyss, and can be very scary for all involved

However, it is possible to 'come out the other side'.. But due to inconsistencies in professional processes, competencies etc. there is a huge element of luck involved. You are like a cork bobbing along on the sea, prone to different currents and side winds, getting hit by a boat who isn't looking at you etc.

Very often there is no justice or logic involved in what happens. So if you find yourself on the receiving end of a truly shitty experience, don't take it personally.

And if you (offender, partner or kids) are having a really, really tough time. Perhaps even contemplating the value of your life, please don't.

There is always hope; just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

It will get better."

Posts: 65
Joined: Wed Jan 03, 2018 3:03 pm

Re: Time together as a couple advice

Post by May12345 » Fri Dec 21, 2018 8:09 am

Oh misery Thankyou for that. It made me cry.
My husband has said at times maybe things would have been easier if he'd had to go to prison and this is proof!!! I want to ask what area they moved to! We used to live in another area of the country. A quieter area and we now live in a city. We have dreams of moving back to the quieter area one day the children still have friends there and now we have all these horrible memories of this place. I have no idea how relocating works with CS but it's definitely not something I'm planning atm.

Thankyou so much for sharing. I can't believe the poster was back with his family in less than the time we've been through all this. No risk assessment and our children are on plo. No other concerns either. It really does stink. They are causing our children so much harm. The kids seeing me upset after the SW has been last night. I try my best to not let them see but they're not stupid. I hate that they are experiencing this.

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