Time together as a couple advice

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May12345
Posts: 65
Joined: Wed Jan 03, 2018 3:03 pm

Time together as a couple advice

Post by May12345 » Thu Oct 25, 2018 8:22 pm

I need to ask advice please. Some of you may have already read my story I'll be as brief as I can.
My husband was charged with possession of 204 cat c images and 7 cat b in January 2018. He's been out of our home since June 2017 and its been a very long v difficult 18m. Our 4 children have been on the CPP since June 2017 and our 5th baby was born Feb 2018. The case moved to PLO recently in order to obtain funding for a psychological risk assessment of my husband. So far we have done and do all CS want us to. The children remain in my care with my Mother supervising contact twice a week at home or in public. I am allowed to supervise our baby to see my husband in public only at this point but this rarely happens as my Mum already comes to supervise contact I don't feel I can ask her to babysit the others aswell and he is at work when they are at school. We saw each other at home before our baby was born when the others were at school. Despite this CS refused my request to see him at home with our baby present saying that our discussion may get 'heated' and I wouldn't be able to walk away.... No suggestion at all of any DV control issues etc this is and remains a single case issue (SW words). I see it as another way for them to keep us apart (we have been wed 15 years). I have completed Protective parenting assessment which said I had more in depth knowledge of child abuse than the assessor due to my research while I educated myself. It also said that I had been pro active our children had always been educated on the pants rule etc and that the bond I have with our children is very strong. I am aware when something is bothering them and know how to get them to open up with a strong support network of other key adults too. We both have a solicitor each now, my husband is working well with probation who say that the offences stem from his inability to deal with childhood issues and anxieties. He has been working through these and also done independent modules via Lucy Faithful. We have both spoken with the LFF. We have dates for the psychological risk assessment and there will be a psychological assessment of myself also to gauge my protectiveness. The PP woman said that I found my husbands offences difficult to talk about. They even said in the PLO letter that I refused to discuss them which is untrue I even went to the court hearing heavily pregnant! I apparently busied myself with my baby when she spoke of things I found difficult. Anyway they have perceived this as me 'internalising' his offences and not seeing the ramifications or severity. How can they say this when I have had him out of the home since June 2017 and done all they asked. Our children have been told of his offences by their Dad in an age appropriate manner and all told him they loved him and tell the SW repeatedly they want their father home.
My husbands Probation officer thinks we need more time together as it's only 2 hours twice a week for contact. I want to ask the Team Manager of the SW to be able to go away with my husband for the night once in a while or him stay at our home when my mother is there but I expect they will say no. Also I can't leave our baby as she wakes at night and is breastfed. I also know she would cry for me if my Mother babysat and we want to put her needs first but this is at the cost of us having any time together. CS also say that we need more time to talk but we don't get any time!

Does anyone have any suggestions? Would requesting overnight contact look like I was prioritising our relationship and not being protective?

There is a time scale in the letter of instruction of 6-8 weeks but they want us also to do couple work once this has been done and if the risk he may pose is deemed manageable.

To show the severity I have already told the SW I know that my husband cannot be alone with our children ever and must be supervised until our baby is 18. They think that this is difficult in practicality when in fact looking after 4 children and a baby would be thought by many to be difficult in practicality (one child has extra needs). I hope you understand our frustration. I have also done the PP work on the basis of my husband posing potentially the risk of contact offence but said I have to feel he would never wish to offend again to have him home but that I can't take for granted he would never contact offend as that would mean I could be complacent.

We want to be able to carry on with our lives and out this behind us. We are doing all that is asked of us.

Can anyone give any hope?

mva17
Posts: 41
Joined: Sat Aug 04, 2018 9:55 am

Re: Time together as a couple advice

Post by mva17 » Sat Oct 27, 2018 11:02 am

it seem a very difficult position, maybe find a babysitter for the baby once a week when the other are at school. it is not ideal, but i think is better than nothing.

May12345
Posts: 65
Joined: Wed Jan 03, 2018 3:03 pm

Re: Time together as a couple advice

Post by May12345 » Mon Oct 29, 2018 8:41 pm

Thankyou for your reply. His working hours are while the children are at school so it will have to be a babysitter when they're out of school I think....

DD2SS
Posts: 35
Joined: Thu Aug 24, 2017 4:56 pm

Re: Time together as a couple advice

Post by DD2SS » Mon Oct 29, 2018 9:17 pm

Hi May,

I know it's frustrating and when you're in the middle of it it's difficult to get any perspective. From the outside, the positives are that your husband is getting independent psychological risk assessment, which is stressful but ultimately provides evidence of risk. Just to give you some hope, psychologists can and do deem there to be no risk to the children in these cases - to the extent that legally it no longer becomes a consideration - so don't be too hasty in saying that there always will need to supervision and there is always a risk of contact offending - this must be driven my expert assessment and then any management must be proportional to that risk.

So in answer to your main question about being together as a couple, perhaps bide your time and get this risk assessment done without pushing anything too much. If the assessment is positive, you can fight for proportionality in any arrangements. I also don't know how old your children are, but their wishes and needs must be considered too and once the assessment is back (provided it is in your favour) it might be worth emphasising that they want this to happen and they are making this decision from a position of understanding, to some extent what has happened.

Good luck!

Seadog01274
Posts: 64
Joined: Sat Jun 23, 2018 1:18 pm

Re: Time together as a couple advice

Post by Seadog01274 » Wed Oct 31, 2018 9:44 pm

Are you able to give some advice on how to have an independent physiological assessment carried out? Xx

DD2SS
Posts: 35
Joined: Thu Aug 24, 2017 4:56 pm

Re: Time together as a couple advice

Post by DD2SS » Wed Oct 31, 2018 11:28 pm

Hi Seadog,

Sorry, I can't advise on that, my perspective is from going through private law where the court appoints experts and under those circumstances all parties agree on the expert being appointed, making it independent.

Perhaps Suzie can advise on what the process is in public law and with respect to how CS operate. It's of critical importance. It has struck me in many of the discussions on this forum on this topic that assessments aren't being conducted by people qualified to do them - adult sexual offending and internet crimes are highly specialist, and the standard risk matrices don't categorise or regard risk to your own children, they are by definition general. The same goes for May's case - have she and her husband had input into who is doing the assessment (not sure if lawyers are involved?). Some feedback from Suzie on this would be valuable, and also how to challenge the expertise and credibility of the risk assessments being performed. These dictate the ultimate outcome of the case.

MNS123
Posts: 4
Joined: Tue Oct 30, 2018 5:22 pm

Re: Time together as a couple advice

Post by MNS123 » Wed Oct 31, 2018 11:30 pm

Say you have split up, get them off ur case then off to southern ireland you go. As they now have there teeth in the pair of you and will not give in.

Seadog01274
Posts: 64
Joined: Sat Jun 23, 2018 1:18 pm

Re: Time together as a couple advice

Post by Seadog01274 » Thu Nov 01, 2018 6:53 pm

Yes I really feel an expert in this subject needs to carry out the assessment as every professional involved seems to tar everyone with the same brush. This can’t be the case for everyone. I would love some advice on this subject if suzie can help!

PerfectlySafeDad
Posts: 161
Joined: Tue Aug 23, 2016 2:57 am

Re: Time together as a couple advice

Post by PerfectlySafeDad » Thu Nov 01, 2018 7:37 pm

He was charged in Jan 2018 but still not been to court or sentenced? Generally it takes only about a month to be heard at Magistrates, then a month later at Crown Court for sentencing. A not guilty plea would drag things out immensely, though (preparation of a trial, defence and prosecution material). It's feasible to be let off with a caution with almost all the images being Cat C and a relatively small number at that. This is only in exceptional circumstances, though, eg a first offence plus pleading guilty and good remorse and maybe other sympathetic factors (you'd think having a young family who love and need him would be classed as that, but it won't).
The sentence should certainly come under the community band, which would mean working one to one with a probation officer and attending a course designated by them: All the necessary risk assessments come from this. This is my situation and there has been no mention of a need for any other kind of assessment, aside of course for social services to perform their assessments every time there's some minute suggestion of change in contact arrangements with my sons - such as one of them parting their hair in a different way (yes sarcasm sorry).
In my situation, my hope is that contact will gradually increase back to something resembling humane and sane as I complete my sentence successfully (1 more year) and get off the register (2 further years) - but reading your story of sheer social service foot-dragging, side-stepping, goalpost changing and downright harassment I fear they haven't even got started with my family yet.
The main hope I can offer you is that that amount and category images really is on the mild end as these things go (that's not to say it's not a concern and not a crime), and I really find it hard to believe in a 21st century sophisticated nation that a man can't be allowed back from that and a family be denied the chance to rebuild.
Whatever assessments he gets, whoever does it, consistency and clarity is the key, not creating a confused or contradictory picture, making it understandable to everyone why he did it and that it was more a 'curiosity' thing limited to lack of judgement on the internet rather than something deeper. The quicker he is understood in official circles, the quicker you can dig yourselves out.
I make no apologies for saying play down or outright deny any element of fantasising (particularly certain physical functions that go with that :-( that went with the images. Downright LIE, if he thinks it can stand up to scrutiny - because otherwise he'll have a hard time ever getting any leeway regarding contact, and treated as a vampire from Neptune forever no matter how remorseful and ashamed he is.
Just don't want to see anybody else fall into the trap I did. It's not just crime that interests them, it's thought crime.
Yep - go to Ireland if you can. I knew an ex-offender, his sentence served and police risk assessment minimal who lost 'everything' but met a new woman who - lo and behold - had 2 young daughters. She was Ukrainian. Knowing full well the SS would not allow him (therefore them either) his new life here, he moved out there to live out his new family life normally. I imagine the child protection brigade in this country being pretty hysterical over his access to his new stepdaughters - but tough, and good luck to him. I have no doubt whatsoever he was no danger to those children, he adored them, was committing no crime but simply trying to rebuild his life in line with the chance our advanced criminal justice system supposedly gives us, but which social services selfishly, arrogantly and ignorantly deny.

Kami2018
Posts: 98
Joined: Sat Jun 16, 2018 5:08 pm

Re: Time together as a couple advice

Post by Kami2018 » Thu Nov 01, 2018 11:17 pm

Perfectlysafedad reading your comment there disgusts me that would be all u are telling people to lie blaming the world again for your position and even saying that another offender they U NO moved away and You know they wouldn't hurt there child who are u inspector Morse u are not remorseful at all and it's plain to see maybe if unsure remorseful you'd get a lot further

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