Police Investigation and Child Services Hell

Doandson
Posts: 6
Joined: Mon Oct 08, 2018 9:16 pm

Police Investigation and Child Services Hell

Post by Doandson » Wed Oct 10, 2018 5:20 pm

Hello all,

I need some advice. Will try to bullet point this for ease and the fact I break down every time I write something so I need to be clinical.

1. In June 18 I had the police turn up and raid the house. Turned out husband had been reported for possession of 1 CAT A image. Everything taken from our home and no way neighbours didn't see police dog who sniffs out electrics.
2. Husband dropped home hours later and I was told CS would be in touch to give advice.
3. Not until 4 days later did CD turn up on my son's 2nd birthday(claiming they had no idea despite an MDT crisis meeting that day). Had to sign an agreement saying husband to spend no time with son on his own, no changing nappies or bathing and if I'm unwell then MIL must be contacted. Agreed to all and told husband could stay. Told CS would be back in 1 wk for meeting to do full assessment. Never happened and despite numerous texts to SW and calls to her boss, no contact rec'd.
4. Then October comes and I get 4 minute call from SW saying police triage found more images CAT A B C. Told I need to assess my relationship BUT CS closing case until outcome of police investigation (so confused, so being told he could pose a risk, that I have to abide by agreement still but case closed for however long police take).
5. This Saturday I get an assessment saying they are perfectly happy with my son. I'm a protective parent who puts son first and that he is a happy healthy little boy. However the whole thing is wrong in that it stated I had said I would get husband to leave immediately if more images found. That's not true. I said I would await outcome of police investigations and take on board advice and recommendations. I intend to write short letter stating that they were incorrect so its on record.

I know my H has done has done wrong. He has been fully honest with me and told me everything. It started with a porn addiction and the lines blurred. He also didn't understand that normal Google search free porn could be illegal.

To be clear my son is my first priority and always will be. I want to stay a family and would be happy to abide by this agreement even if it takes 5 or 10 years.

He intends to plead guilty and is getting help with StopItNow etc. We want to stay a family and so long as circumstance don't change I feel this is in the best interests of my son and me. He has done wrong and I don't condone this but I can understand where things have gone wrong and I genuinely don't believe he poses a risk to children.

Is there any chance that we can stay a family given that he has not been told he has to leave and they have found more images? If he pleads guilty could a judge order him to leave the home?

If it's best he leave he will be gone but due to many factors I truly believes he deserves a second chance and the opportunity to make it right.

I'm worried about what CS could do if he pleads guilty and what the result of being on the SOR could mean. Any help would stop me feeling overwhelmed and as if I cannot cope. I'm having a tough time since the assessment came and in a dark place with all the what ifs. I love my husband but I love my son more and he is my world. Please help.

Miserylovescompany2
Posts: 220
Joined: Sun Jul 02, 2017 6:55 pm

Re: Police Investigation and Child Services Hell

Post by Miserylovescompany2 » Wed Oct 10, 2018 9:17 pm

Hello

Before you write that short letter I would advise you read some of the stories on this site. They are from both perspectives. That letter could potentially start something BIG! All I am saying is make sure you are in the know before you put pen to paper.

PerfectlySafeDad
Posts: 171
Joined: Tue Aug 23, 2016 2:57 am

Re: Police Investigation and Child Services Hell

Post by PerfectlySafeDad » Wed Oct 10, 2018 10:37 pm

Dos you and your husband have my utmost sympathy, as a Dad convicted of those offences I know only too well what you face. Hell is the word for it, but there is hope you can all stay together if not immediately. It seems much dust has to settle yet.
He basically has to do every conceivable thing he can to redeem himself. Seeking help (as he is), being remorseful with all the authorities, owning up to the offences and pleading guilty is what he must do. Only then can he present a full picture that he is at least on the track towards being 'low risk'. That's the best branding possible for him, as 'safe' or 'zero risk' is not offered even at the end of successfully completed rehab sentences (all part of the tyranny imo), even though he is in actual fact almost certainly no risk whatsoever to his own son as we speak. Like so many convicted of internet offences, myself included, the addiction and any risk of harm was specifically the cursed technology itself.
Basically, believe in him if you want to, but within the context of him taking all the right steps from now on and you trying to reason with the social services that you want to stand by him with the proviso his offending behaviour is being fully addressed, and you are aware of how it is being addressed.

Seadog01274
Posts: 64
Joined: Sat Jun 23, 2018 1:18 pm

Re: Police Investigation and Child Services Hell

Post by Seadog01274 » Thu Oct 11, 2018 7:56 am

I am in an extremely similar situation to yourself so I know exactly what you must be going through. The police didn’t arrest my husband or charge him they took away his electronics. My husband is also going to plead guilty but until the police finish their investigation my social worker isn’t allowing any contact, direct or indirect for my daughter with my husband. It’s been the most horrendous 16 weeks of my life and unfortunately this is only the start. It could be another 6 months until he’s convicted. It’s just a waiting game.
With regards to social services honesty is the best policy. I have told my social worker from day 1 that I want to try every route possible to rebuild my family and for one day for him to be able to come home, just like you even if that takes 10 years.
I wouldn’t sign any paper work without a full explanation as to what you are signing. The fact I want to remain supporting my husband lead the social worker to send us straight to a child conference where it was decided my child be put on a child in need plan. This hasn’t really made any difference to anything. I hoped it would mean we would get more regular visits and me and my daughter would get the support we need but that hasn’t happened. I’m back for my second conference next week but as the police still haven’t charged him I don’t imagine anything will change.
I have asked for a supervised phone conversation which has been denied so far. They stressed about the emotional damage this has caused on my daughter but the fact she can’t even talk to him and hear he is ok is crushing her.
Be patient with social services. They are extremely slow at everything. I’m
Constantly given appointment times and days and they are always changed. The whole system is totally overloaded and if they don’t find any issues with your ability to protect your children and your partner is kept away from the family home they drop you to the bottom of their list of priorities.
It’s going to be a long and very difficult battle for you. But if you have a strong support network around you and people you feel you can talk to then I believe you will get there in the end.
I aren’t going to give up on my husband. What he has done is probably the worst thing he could ever do to my family. But as you said yourself, he is not a bad person he has just made bad mistakes. And as long as he wants to change and take any help he can get then he will always be my husband and my best friend and I want him home with us.
Social services have come down hard on me for deciding to stay with him but I feel it is all a test to see how easily it if for them to drive you both apart. that way they can close the case and deal with someone else. Don’t expect a social worker to become your friend. Be careful how much you trust them. I learnt that the hard way.
If you ever need someone to talk to or have any questions about anything please just inbox me!
Sending you so much love and strength and hugs. Hang in there, take things a day at a time xxx

Doandson
Posts: 6
Joined: Mon Oct 08, 2018 9:16 pm

Re: Police Investigation and Child Services Hell

Post by Doandson » Thu Oct 11, 2018 8:14 pm

Hi Seadog01274

Thank you so much for your response. I know so many people are going through similar situations but it made my day knowing someone had reached out to me and could relate on the same level. The people I have around me can listen but they don't understand. I work in a profession where we are in contact with CS across the country. I see how much they do wrong on a day to day basis through this. This scares me and it sounds appalling how you have been treated. I am so very sorry, your daughter must be so confused.

I cannot help but wonder if I would be in the same situation if I had a daughter and not a son. I am of course making an assumption but I have seen it through my job. CS across the board seem to less concerned about boys then girls.

I am lucky to still have my husband at home but I am literally sat waiting for a knock at the door telling him needs to leave and the inevitable CP meetings etc. Every car scares me.

We have both been open and honest with CS and the police and always will be. That's the only way to be. I have no trust for them and I know they are not my friend and do not care about the family but only the child or more importantly that they don't get sued.

I would really want to know our chances from someone experienced of being able to stay as a family when he pleads guilty. I was going to go on a protective parent course but then worried that it may look as though I'm actually worried about my husband doing something because I'm not but I want demonstrate I will do anything to be safe and keep him safe.

Likewise I'm here if you want to message me direct and chat. Xx

Doandson
Posts: 6
Joined: Mon Oct 08, 2018 9:16 pm

Re: Police Investigation and Child Services Hell

Post by Doandson » Thu Oct 11, 2018 8:23 pm

Miserylovescompany2 wrote:Hello

Before you write that short letter I would advise you read some of the stories on this site. They are from both perspectives. That letter could potentially start something BIG! All I am saying is make sure you are in the know before you put pen to paper.
I 've not been able to read too much as it scares the hell out of me. I've been told that doing a one paragraph letter to set this straight now is best and not leaving it until later. I intend to say that my son is my utmost priority and he will always come first but for the record I said I would await the outcome of the investigation and take any and all advice on board and of course continually assess the situation myself. I cannot say too much as it could lead to being identified, but there are reasons through my job I've been told to write this ltr. Obviously the shorter the better so they cannot pick it apart, but I want the record straight so they don't judge me later. Any thoughts from other and from 'Suzie' would be welcomed on this.

Thanks for the other response I had too.

Doandson
Posts: 6
Joined: Mon Oct 08, 2018 9:16 pm

Re: Police Investigation and Child Services Hell

Post by Doandson » Thu Oct 11, 2018 8:26 pm

PerfectlySafeDad wrote:Dos you and your husband have my utmost sympathy, as a Dad convicted of those offences I know only too well what you face. Hell is the word for it, but there is hope you can all stay together if not immediately. It seems much dust has to settle yet.
He basically has to do every conceivable thing he can to redeem himself. Seeking help (as he is), being remorseful with all the authorities, owning up to the offences and pleading guilty is what he must do. Only then can he present a full picture that he is at least on the track towards being 'low risk'. That's the best branding possible for him, as 'safe' or 'zero risk' is not offered even at the end of successfully completed rehab sentences (all part of the tyranny imo), even though he is in actual fact almost certainly no risk whatsoever to his own son as we speak. Like so many convicted of internet offences, myself included, the addiction and any risk of harm was specifically the cursed technology itself.
Basically, believe in him if you want to, but within the context of him taking all the right steps from now on and you trying to reason with the social services that you want to stand by him with the proviso his offending behaviour is being fully addressed, and you are aware of how it is being addressed.
Thank you for your response. It's nice to hear from another perspective of the father. Can I ask what happened with contact with your children before and after? My husband is allowed to remain at home for now but I worry that may change.

Thank you again x

mva17
Posts: 41
Joined: Sat Aug 04, 2018 9:55 am

Re: Police Investigation and Child Services Hell

Post by mva17 » Fri Oct 12, 2018 7:17 am

Hi, i am in a similar situation. in my case my husband is already convicted. He is allow to see the children (a boy and a girl), since conviction i never had a visit from cs only a phone call and a letter that they expect me to sign. but i am going to wait until they decide to explain to me what they mean as is confused. I understand cs are overload but i don't think is a excuse to ignore a family. Anyway inbox me if you want a chat. Good luck.

Seadog01274
Posts: 64
Joined: Sat Jun 23, 2018 1:18 pm

Re: Police Investigation and Child Services Hell

Post by Seadog01274 » Fri Oct 12, 2018 7:42 am

I do believe hey treat situations with boys and girls differently. My husband is not my daughters biological dad so I believe they are treating us different on this level 2. Don’t be scared to be honest. Don’t be scared to confront people if you don’t believe something is being done unfairly:
I am also on the nspcc parenting safeguarding course. This was suggested by my social worker after we had a very open chat at a core group and I made it clear to her that I didn’t feel she was supporting my decision and it shouldn’t come down to wether she agrees with my decision or not. It’s the decision I have made and her job is to support me and my daughter so she needs to accept that and work with us. Which since that chat her attitude does seem to have been different.
When you write your email, write it and then re-read it afew times. Try not to come across as aggressive and confrontational, but concerned and assertive. The nspcc course has a lengthy waiting list, I was told a years waiting list but was very lucky when someone dropped out last minute and my social worker pushed for me to get on it ASAP. This can only look good in their eyes. You have to be accepting that your partner is a risk. Wether you believe that or not social services need to know you acknowledge the severity of what he has done. Which is the hard part for me. My husband is not a bad man he’s just made bad choices. But that means he is a risk to making other bad choices in his life.
Keep that passion burning inside you and keep fighting for your family. I know I’m only at the beginning of all this. I self referred online through insight for over the phone counselling too. Which was a huge help. I only got 6 sessions but I looked forward to that call every week to just talk openly about what was going on in my head and be reassured I am not going crazy!
Adjusting to my husband not being here is awful. He now lives 2 hours away at his mums. I’ve lost my best friend and my life is in pieces. I feel a relief when I get to bed each night knowing I’ve made it through another day. I haven’t been to work since the police turned up as my paranoia and anxiety are brought the roof. It’s a very isolating time and this page has found me ladies who have become friends because as you say, other people try and understand but have Absolutly no idea what it feels
Like. The best way I’ve described how I feel is like a grief. Like my husband has died. But he hasn’t and I see him every 2 weeks which messes with my
Mind even more!! Don’t live for that day the police come. Cherish every moment you have with my husband and children. Make some memories to help get you through the bad days.

Xxxx

Miserylovescompany2
Posts: 220
Joined: Sun Jul 02, 2017 6:55 pm

Re: Police Investigation and Child Services Hell

Post by Miserylovescompany2 » Fri Oct 12, 2018 7:59 am

Hello again,

I will add this - when something has been printed and circulated. It is already on the system. If for example you did write a letter correcting the error and you were told that a note would be added to the system. If at a later date for whatever reason someone pulled the info, the note would not be printed.

I would seek legal advice. Because they could still use what they have written in their favour - it is not a fact. Once it goes from report to report it will become a fact.

If I were you I would want written clarification from CS on how they plan to rectify this.

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