Partner arrested for possessing indecent images.

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Imsimplyme
Posts: 1
Joined: Sun May 27, 2018 3:38 pm

Partner arrested for possessing indecent images.

Post by Imsimplyme » Sat Jun 09, 2018 12:53 am

Hi everyone, I'm new on this site and didn't really know what to write until now (even now I'm still unsure of my own thoughts)

On May 14th the police came knocking on my door with a warrant to search my property in relation to the possession of indecent images of children. (That term still makes my stomach churn). They took all laptops, phones, memory cards and any kind of storage devices from the home as part of the investigation as well as arresting my partner of 14 years in connection to it all. We have 2 children together (girls) who are 10 & 13. He is currently being held on remand in prison due to not having an address to live at whilst he is on bail as obviously he can't return home. This has had a huge impact on my daughters as they were real daddies girls. He has admitted to looking at indecent images online (both stills and moving) which to be honest has made me sick to the pit of my stomach. Throughout all of this he has finally reported the sexual abuse he endured at the hands of his stepfather throughout the biggest part of his own childhood (from the age of 6 until 19 years old). This is information I was aware of but he needed to report to the police himself about it. He has been struggling mentally for the last number of years regarding the abuse issue. As it stands he has no where to go and no where to live as his family including his mother have decided to let him rot in prison (their way of punishing for disclosing the truth about his own historical abuse at the hands of their father).
Obviously I have not got much power over anything going on right now and its really bringing me down as I can't just switch off a love I have had for him for 14 years (I really wish I could). I'm stuck in a mode right now where I am trying to be mummy and daddy to my girls as well as trying to help him find a place to live to get out of prison as no one is willing to do it. I've forgotten about myself and its all came to surface tonight when I've finally broke down. My heart feels shattered and my life's a total mess. Not to get too cheesy but he was my good morning and goodnight, my hello and goodbye. He was meant to be the beginning and end of all my life alongside my daughters and its all just went to pieces.
Can anyone advise me on what the road ahead will look like for me and my family? Is there any chance of a future together? Is there any chance he will be a father to my girls again? Is there any chance of any sort of normality ever again?

Sorry for the story!!

Toporb
Posts: 2
Joined: Sun Apr 22, 2018 8:11 pm

Re: Partner arrested for possessing indecent images.

Post by Toporb » Tue Jun 12, 2018 6:56 pm

Sorry to have to give you the bad news,but you will have children's services try to break you and your partner apart.
They take a very dim view when people tell them they want to stay with there partner.They will if you tell them that most prob have a meeting or as they call it a child protection conference .It involves the social worker your children's head at school the police health worker to see if your children are at risk of harm.All this will start when your partner is due for release from prison .Untill then your social worker will do an assessment on you and meet with you most weeks .They may want you to do a course or a few of them to see if it will help..I spent 8 months in prison for the same offence as your partner.I was not put on any course. No help offered I was a as they said a role model prisoner came out and with in 12 weeks got a full time job.I have worked with probation and asked to do a course not that I bed it as believe me while there is no excuse for what I have done ,since spending time inside I had 8 different cells mates and almost all of them had done truly awful crimes from child rape one guy had been headmaster and abused 44 children I could go on.....It made be wake up to what I had done yes I had only looked but I know now that every photo or video has a victim and I will always feel guilty for that.I have 2 children 4 yo and 2 yo They are my life but I can only see them with supervision from my partners dad.Childrens services would let my partner do the supervision as she wants to let me go to the house to see our children as my 4yo wants daddy to play with his toys and to watch a movie all he wants is to do normal things with his dad who he only knows as a loving and caring dad,but they "Childrens services are dong all they can to not let that happen.for what ever reason they think I "may do my children harm .my crime was a non contact crime and I would never have crossed that line nor was it ever something I was thinking about as I said my children are my world.So please get you're self ready for a very big uphill fight .

Toporb
Posts: 2
Joined: Sun Apr 22, 2018 8:11 pm

Re: Partner arrested for possessing indecent images.

Post by Toporb » Tue Jun 12, 2018 7:01 pm

Sorry just to put something right in my reply my partner is not allowed to supervise she had done 2 courses and they still say no.they are now going to have a child protection conference ,all this after they have lied time and again to us .

Seadog01274
Posts: 60
Joined: Sat Jun 23, 2018 1:18 pm

Re: Partner arrested for possessing indecent images.

Post by Seadog01274 » Thu Jun 28, 2018 7:55 pm

I’m in a very similar scenario to yourself at the moment. The police came to our home just last week so everything is very unclear for us. I’m needing answers and some positivity to hold onto. I’m falling apart too. My husband is the love of my life and I will do whatever I can to help him to get help for his addiction to porn.

4Shirl
Posts: 1
Joined: Fri Nov 23, 2018 10:09 pm

Re: Partner arrested for possessing indecent images.

Post by 4Shirl » Mon Nov 26, 2018 6:57 pm

I was in a similar situation two years ago (and still rumbling on), though my husband didn’t go to prison at any stage. My heart breaks for you!

My husband was forced to live at his brother’s for the whole period of the investigation which lasted eleven months by the time he got through court. He got a suspended sentence which means he sees Probation regularly. He had a really good Probation Officer to begin with, and she phoned Children’s Social Care who had closed our case. We have got a 13 year old son and 10 year old twin girls. They closed the case because husband was at his brothers and our children only saw him with my mum present and at weekends - that’s what we agreed with them. They have now re-opened the case because we want to live together again. He was only convicted of possessing Category C images nudes of teenagerson webcams (...FFS ‘only’, that’s bad enough and I’m hurting just thinking of it). It’s taken a lot of courage on my part to accept it as such, but he has worked really hard to understand himself and why he betrayed me as well as looked at that filth.

The new social worker is nice, but very naive. It’s not exactly what we need. She has to ask her manager about everything. But they seem relieved now that they know there wasn’t more or worse images on his phone. While he was on bail he went to Safer Lives in ****, and that helped him alot and it is helping us a lot now because the social worker is impressed also that he did something voluntarily. I spoke to somebody there aswll and the lady was really nice reassuring. I felt everyone else was judging me for wanting to support my husband. Like you, he is the love of my life, but this made me so confused and angry, and I lost all of my confidence. The help he got was actually pretty amazing, because before it he was like a grumpy git who just mumbled dissaproval to me alot. Getting help really brought him round and he has started speaking to me properly again, like when we first met. If there has been anything gained through this ordeal (not over yet by a long chalk) it is that he is talking to me about how he struggles with things I never knew before. The kids love daddy dearly, and though it’s heartbraeking he still isn’t living at home or taking the kids out like he used to, I think we are nearly at a decision where he can come home, though I don’t know if there will still be alot of restrictions.

We have lost a lot because of this, but we have learned who will stand by us, and I will be forever grateful to my family and two very dear friends who helped me though. Husband has been back to **** for a bit more help and he’s actually beginning to look like a happy person (sometimes at least).

Love and respect to any wife or partner going through this. I think all our experiences must be different, but maybe my story offers some hope and I am confident that as a family we will survive and that my children will get strength from seeing all the love that family and friends gathered round them.

(*edited by Suzie to ensure confidentialilty)

PerfectlySafeDad
Posts: 95
Joined: Tue Aug 23, 2016 2:57 am

Re: Partner arrested for possessing indecent images.

Post by PerfectlySafeDad » Tue Nov 27, 2018 3:23 am

@imsimpkyme
No, you should not have to switch off the love you had all these years. In fact, social services should do everything in their power to foster reconciliation and trust in almost all these cases, especially where families are at stake. These things ought to be the hallmarks of any authority in a civilized society, and it's to the benefit of everyone (the spouse, the children, the offender's rehabilitation and cure - there can't be any without love). Like so many, it's been an utter desperate shock to me in my own conviction to discover this utter lack of wisdom, compassion and proportion in Children's services policy. They talk about their 'duty' - to protect children - it's all they ever say, but there is no heart, imagination or insight in it - they cannot be reasoned with - as if they're automotrons functioning on blind fear. The slightest 'risk' (even though it's only in their heads) justifies blanket draconian measures that cause certain harm. It's just so irrational.
Hardly any Internet offenders touch, have ever touched or go on to touch any child or even speak to them in a dodgy way, and still less have the slightest inclination towards their own children. The notion is sick, founded on ignorance, hysteria and skewed research, and it's my belief social services should be prosecuted for their stance on this. It's a form of slander or false accusation; they get away with it because image viewing is set so close to actual physical assault in law (scapegoatism because they can't stop image production at source), whereas in truth the offence and criminal impulse behind it is nowhere near as severe or indicative of wider risk.
It may be possible to call this witchhunt to account one day when the children of offender's families reach adulthood, and get together with lawyers and speak from their own lips about the life they've been deprived of with a parent by draconian measures which lack one ounce of proof they were ever 'at risk'.
The tide will turn, as society always does slowly advance towards enlightened treatment and the most difficult of topics, but it's slow and painful.
You have a fighting chance of being a family again and he having normal contact with his daughters when they reach midteen, but probably not before.

PerfectlySafeDad
Posts: 95
Joined: Tue Aug 23, 2016 2:57 am

Re: Partner arrested for possessing indecent images.

Post by PerfectlySafeDad » Tue Nov 27, 2018 4:04 am

Oh yes, as many have found out here - the Children's Services propensity for downright lying, twisting or inflating of facts and at very least a river of delays, process and bureacratic errors you can expect (some of it deliberate, but in their defence - and it's their only defence for the draconian pigs they are - some of it is down to austerity, the lack of staff or contact facilities).
Rant over, very constructive advice now:
1) keep your own precise written records of every meeting,exchange, phone call and communication of any kind with anybody in social services; time date who what said.

2) As early as possible, you or him get a printed, signed document from THEM on what are precisely the stages and conditions by which your man can achieve normal unsupervised contact with his children and (if it's what you want) him to move back in.
I do not know if such a thing is possible - they'll want to avoid it for all it's worth - but maybe a lawyer can push them into this - a family or perhaps even a criminal court can be told they are not cooperating reasonably if they don't.
The idea is, this can then be YOUR ammunition to hold THEM to the agreement when after a certain time your husband has satisfied certain criteria.
It's all got to be defined very carefully of course, specifying exactly what you're hoping for and exactly how it will be allowed, maybe also having them state any developments that would scupper the deal (reoffending or new, unrelated offences being obvious examples).
Then when the set time has elapsed you can both claim 'well, he's done this this and that (positives) and this and that (negatives) have not happened whatsoever - so give us our human right to a family life back ffs now!!
I'm going to look into this with a lawyer after Xmas. As I see it, the worst that can happen is CS will not play ball, so then I'll at least have a simple clear recorded example of them being unreasonable.

User avatar
Suzie, FRG Adviser
Posts: 2153
Joined: Mon Jul 04, 2011 2:57 pm

Re: Partner arrested for possessing indecent images.

Post by Suzie, FRG Adviser » Fri Nov 30, 2018 12:36 pm

4Shirl wrote:
Mon Nov 26, 2018 6:57 pm
I was in a similar situation two years ago (and still rumbling on), though my husband didn’t go to prison at any stage. My heart breaks for you!

My husband was forced to live at his brother’s for the whole period of the investigation which lasted eleven months by the time he got through court. He got a suspended sentence which means he sees Probation regularly. He had a really good Probation Officer to begin with, and she phoned Children’s Social Care who had closed our case. We have got a 13 year old son and 10 year old twin girls. They closed the case because husband was at his brothers and our children only saw him with my mum present and at weekends - that’s what we agreed with them. They have now re-opened the case because we want to live together again. He was only convicted of possessing Category C images nudes of teenagerson webcams (...FFS ‘only’, that’s bad enough and I’m hurting just thinking of it). It’s taken a lot of courage on my part to accept it as such, but he has worked really hard to understand himself and why he betrayed me as well as looked at that filth.

The new social worker is nice, but very naive. It’s not exactly what we need. She has to ask her manager about everything. But they seem relieved now that they know there wasn’t more or worse images on his phone. While he was on bail he went to Safer Lives in ****, and that helped him alot and it is helping us a lot now because the social worker is impressed also that he did something voluntarily. I spoke to somebody there aswll and the lady was really nice reassuring. I felt everyone else was judging me for wanting to support my husband. Like you, he is the love of my life, but this made me so confused and angry, and I lost all of my confidence. The help he got was actually pretty amazing, because before it he was like a grumpy git who just mumbled dissaproval to me alot. Getting help really brought him round and he has started speaking to me properly again, like when we first met. If there has been anything gained through this ordeal (not over yet by a long chalk) it is that he is talking to me about how he struggles with things I never knew before. The kids love daddy dearly, and though it’s heartbraeking he still isn’t living at home or taking the kids out like he used to, I think we are nearly at a decision where he can come home, though I don’t know if there will still be alot of restrictions.

We have lost a lot because of this, but we have learned who will stand by us, and I will be forever grateful to my family and two very dear friends who helped me though. Husband has been back to **** for a bit more help and he’s actually beginning to look like a happy person (sometimes at least).

Love and respect to any wife or partner going through this. I think all our experiences must be different, but maybe my story offers some hope and I am confident that as a family we will survive and that my children will get strength from seeing all the love that family and friends gathered round them.

(*edited by Suzie to ensure confidentialilty)
Dear 4Shirl

Welcome to the parents’ discussion board and thank your for your post.

My name is Suzie, online adviser, at Family Rights Group.

I think your post is very positive and likely to be helpful to other posters who find themselves in a similar situation. From the experience you have shared, it shows that with hard work and cooperation with children’s services it is possible to come through the process to try and rebuild a relationship and family life despite the offence committed by your husband.

It is important that there is insight and an understanding of the concerns that children’s services are likely to have regarding safeguarding. Whilst some find it wrong for children’s services to make decisions based on the possibility of risk, the safety of children is the guiding factor and since there is no actual measure by which to say if something will happen, children’s services are required to consider the situation as a whole, taking account of the children’s ages, the offence committed and carry out assessments as in all cases to reach a decision. If the persons involved are unwilling to work with children’s services or fail to demonstrate insight then it is unlikely they will get the outcome they are seeking.

Your husband, from what you say in your post had a difficult childhood suffering abuse himself, he decided to be proactive to address his behaviour and feelings and with your support is engaging and working with professionals to get to a place where you both can with hard work and time see a future together.

Thank you again for sharing your experience on the forum and I wish you and your family the best of luck for the future.

Best wishes

Suzie

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