Partner accused of talking online with a minor. Please help!

CTL03
Posts: 6
Joined: Tue Sep 11, 2012 12:12 pm

Re: Partner accused of talking online with a minor. Please h

Post by CTL03 » Thu Nov 01, 2012 11:12 am

Hi everyone,
Unfortunately things have gone from bad to worse :(
My partner was found to have images of girls on his PC (under 50), they seem to be teenager although a couple are 5-8 (same age range as my child). They are Level One category.Obviously I am floored.
He explained to me that it was a boredom thing and he's not interested in little kids. His solicitor saw the actual websites and the images on there are all different ages. He reckons that the laptop has cached the images adn the police (plus SS) are just choosing the worse ones.
My partner is trying to get help. He is contacted the Lucy Faithfull organisation and he is going to attend one of their courses. He hasn't been charged with anything yet as the police investigation is still ongoing but seems to be drawing to a close.
The people are Lucy Faithfull are very helpful and they have said that most families come out of this on the other side.
I had a Child Protection Conference this week which both me and my partner were invited to. When we arrived, he got asked to leave, despite being invited!
In the conference, I was told that I wasn't putting the need of my child first, despite the fact that my child hasn't seen Daddy for 8 weeks, I'm actively keeping the school up to date, my childs education is above average. They see it as, because I want to get back together with my parner, then I'm not putting my child first.
I'm aware it's not going to be easy, but I thought it's in the best interest of my child and me to work on this. They see it as my partner is trying to groom my child (and me). Plus that he's controlling me because we're still in the house that he owns and if anything happens he wants to help me out financially.
My child has been placed on the Child Protection Plan and I'm seeing them in 2 weeks time to discuss further.
They have suggested that I end the relationship and move out of a house that we've called our own for 5 years. I don't think it's in my child's best interest to move home.
I do understand the severity of the images, but I think it's too soon to be making judgements without my partner being assessed and without the investigation being over.
Please help.

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Suzie, FRG Adviser
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Joined: Mon Jul 04, 2011 2:57 pm

Re: Partner accused of talking online with a minor. Please h

Post by Suzie, FRG Adviser » Thu Nov 01, 2012 5:21 pm

Hi CTLO3

Thank you for updating the board.

I am sorry that your situation has deteriorated since you last posted.

You say that an Initial Child Protection Conference has been held. And that your daughter has now been made subject to a child protection plan, as Children’s Services have concerns that you are not prioritising your child’s needs.

Have the Local Authority requested that you entered into a written agreement and plan that they are concerned you are in danger of breaching at this stage? For instance, if you have been asked to do this, were there clear details of current risk factors, instructions around contact arrangements with your ex partner, how to keep your child safe, what support you would be offered to help in this process, and the timescales for assessments and any review?

You are correct in thinking that the outcome of the criminal investigation is unknown, but that your parenting is being constantly scrutinised until that time. From what you say, you appeared to have fully cooperated with all agencies to keep your child safe and demonstrated a commitment to continue to do so by:-

*asking your partner to leave the home
*complied with the condition not to allow any contact between your child and your partner until the investigation is complete
*been proactive by making direct contact with the Local Authority, from the outset, to assist with their enquiries
*and managed your daughter’s and your own emotional needs during the child protection process

It is positive to note that you have received useful support from the Lucy Faithful Foundation http://www.lucyfaithfull.org/, as their role is to support other family members in similar circumstances. Can I suggest you consider contact Unison on 0845 3550845 http://www.unison.org.uk/ to discuss any employment implications you may need to consider.

Apart from the fact you continue to have contact with, and stated your intention to continue the relationship with your partner at a future date, what is their evidence for Children's Services forming the view that you are not prioritising your child's needs at this time?

Please continue to cooperate with the core assessment, but you may also wish to seek legal advice from the http://www.lawsociety.org.uk to discuss what options may be open to you.

If you wish to discuss your complex situation in more detail, please contact the Family Rights Group advice line on 0808 801 0366 Monday to Friday 09.30 am to 03.30 pm.

Best Wishes

Suzie

Murray72
Posts: 118
Joined: Mon Mar 12, 2012 10:48 am

Re: Partner accused of talking online with a minor. Please h

Post by Murray72 » Fri Nov 02, 2012 9:53 am

Hi CTL,

I have been in your position and I understand the emotions are you going through, denial, fear and panic, the reality is difficult to face but your partner has been viewing illegal images of children, the sooner you accept this is not normal behaviour and all men do not get bored and seek out this material the easier you will find it to overcome the barriers that are keeping you attached to him. I would say from reading your origional post to the most recent post your Partner is doing a great job of grooming you and minimising his actions. Keep hold of your initial discust and horror that the man you love has an interest in children under 16.

If your partner is on bail pending further investigations then brace yourself for further allegations, It takes months for any computer analysis to come back and there could be more material that your partner believes he deleted but will still be inprinted on the computer hardrive.

I would obviously advise you to seperate with your partner as I have stated previously I lost my Child to CS as I would not accept the risk my EX posed initially, after 3 years in Foster Care I have only recently had my first unsupervised contact with my Child, trust me this not in any child's best interest, Children are resiliant and can move house and move school and even cope without one parent but I think living without both is more than enough for one Child to endure. I suppose what I am telling you is what I would have told myself if I Could turn the clock back 4 years. :(

If the Police fail to bring criminal charges or offer a caution for his offences, CS may commence a "Finding of Fact" within the family court, all the evidence will be heard the Judge will hear from the Police experts, any witness's and anybody they feel could assist with the court hearing, including School Teachers, neighbours, family members and anybody who knew your ex, these are often more difficult than criminal trials as they are held in secret courts and you and your partner will be cross examined by all parties. If CS feel you are putting your needs first they may seek findings on you "for failure to protect" or "failure to cooperate with CS". Any Judgement made within the Family Courts is based on Probability, it does not have to be beyond reasonable doubt.

When you had the Conference recently can you recall if the local authority had legal representation at the conference? If they did it is likely the long term view is Legal Proceedings may commence sometime in the future.

I hope you find this helpful.

CTL03
Posts: 6
Joined: Tue Sep 11, 2012 12:12 pm

Re: Partner accused of talking online with a minor. Please h

Post by CTL03 » Sun Nov 04, 2012 9:35 pm

Hi,
Thanks for the input.
There was no Local Authority there, apart from the SW, chairperson & minute taker. I'm due to see them next Monday to have another meeting.
Everything was mentioned in regards to the Child Protection Plan & nothing was needing me to sign.
I feel like they are bullying me into leaving him & leaving our home. Even the police said they cannot do that.
I understand Murray what you are saying & I have taken it on board, but not everyone is the same. Yet in SS eyes, they've dealt with a lot of people therefore it is "guilty until proven innocent" instead of the other way around.
Unfortunately, I don't have the finances to move out nor do u want to upset my child's routine at school. When I mentioned to SS about my partner helping me out financially (as he doesn't want us to suffer because if his actions), they see it as him controlling me! Which is completely not the case. He helped his ex financially when they drifted apart. That's just who he is.
They also think he made me quit my job, despite the fact that all my family & friends knew I wasn't enjoying it (obviously the situation made me quit sooner than I was going to due to not wanting anymore stress).
His family & friends have all said they will give character statements to help. He's also seeking an assessment from Lucy Faithful. The chairperson was very biased despite never even speaking to him or knowing us & the SW made numerous mistakes in her report.
I don't know really how they can say I'm not putting my child first nor what evidence they have to back up this claim, apart from the fact that I still want to work on the relationship. Plus the police mentioned to me that there is no risk to my child as the images are of girls (my child is a boy). I reiterated this to the SW who then wrote in the report that I wasn't seeing the severity of it, but I was only saying what I was told by the police officer! I don't really know what to expect from the next meeting either.

TKH
Posts: 26
Joined: Sat Aug 20, 2011 11:59 pm

Re: Partner accused of talking online with a minor. Please h

Post by TKH » Sun Nov 04, 2012 11:07 pm

But he is guilty. You wrote yourself that he admitted having them - just that it was a boredom thing. Wake up to what is fact.It is illegal to possess, distribute or download these images. Im sorry but the remark that your child isn't at risk is rediculous. Would you be prepared to live in an environment where your child couldnt have friends home? What when they have children of their own? Supervised contact-yes, living in the same home-absolutely not. The shock and horror you felt when this was disclosed, try and imagine how your child would try and comprehend such a thing at a later date if you are all playing happy families and he got "bored" again.If at a later there was any hint of your child being abused CS would quite rightly claim that you had monumentally failed to protect your child and you could lose custody to them.

CTL03
Posts: 6
Joined: Tue Sep 11, 2012 12:12 pm

Re: Partner accused of talking online with a minor. Please h

Post by CTL03 » Mon Nov 05, 2012 6:46 pm

TKH wrote:But he is guilty. You wrote yourself that he admitted having them - just that it was a boredom thing. Wake up to what is fact.It is illegal to possess, distribute or download these images. Im sorry but the remark that your child isn't at risk is rediculous. Would you be prepared to live in an environment where your child couldnt have friends home? What when they have children of their own? Supervised contact-yes, living in the same home-absolutely not. The shock and horror you felt when this was disclosed, try and imagine how your child would try and comprehend such a thing at a later date if you are all playing happy families and he got "bored" again.If at a later there was any hint of your child being abused CS would quite rightly claim that you had monumentally failed to protect your child and you could lose custody to them.
Sorry, I meant that he was "bored" & that's why he was chatting to women (not girls, the police have not been able to find the alleged person). I didn't mean that he admitted the images. He told me, his solicitor, his mum etc that he wasn't looking for images of little girls. He Googled 17 year olds (wrong, but still legal) and the website cached all the pictures on a site which had different ages (according to the solicitor). The images all were dated the same date which was the same day that the laptop broke.
Obviously I understand the severity of the allegations. But I don't understand how they can take such severe actions over something that hasn't been founded. My child now needs to have a medical assessment at school. There is zero contact between my child & Daddy & we are living separately whilst the investigation is still ongoing. SS won't allow supervised contact yet. I obviously don't want to lose my child but I feel like we have no hope. The organisation we've been put in touch with have told us that SS are using "bullying tactics" as it gets the case off their desk & saves on money. The police have said they cannot see a risk to my child but I do understand that SS have to do their job. I just wish they wouldn't paint everyone with the same brush. Some people are not as bad as others out there.

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