Please help me, any advice welcome no negative comments please

k1212
Posts: 16
Joined: Tue Jan 23, 2018 2:50 pm

Please help me, any advice welcome no negative comments please

Postby k1212 » Wed Jan 24, 2018 12:58 pm

Hello please give me any advice, please don't judge me either.
In 2011 I gave birth to my daughter, I split with her father shortly after. I met someone new when my daughter was 8 months old, when she was 11months old she woke up one morning with an unusual mark on her face, I took her to the doctors who said it may be leukaemia, then went to the hospital to get her checked out, at the hospital I felt very judged and my then boyfriend wasn't very supportive and didn't want to be at the hospital but I was not driving at the time and so he had to take us. Over an hour waiting at the hospital and no nurses had even took her temp, my boyfriend at the time kept saying that he could hear the nurses saying that iv dome something to her so I spoke to one of the nurses and complained that I had been waiting, then a nurse came in and asked if I had put any unnecessary pressure on her face, I felt so judged knowing that I had no idea why she had a mark on her face..BIGGEST MISTAKE EVER I angrily left the hospital and took my daughter with me, I know this made me look like I had something to hide, I felt judged at the time and was selfish as I put my emotions before my daughter. I called my mother who then took my daughter back to the hospital as I knew she needed to be there but I didn't want to get in another argument with any nurses as I was heartbroken that someone would actually think I could hurt my baby. A few hours later I was arrested, I was so in shock I could not believe it, I had put my daughter to bed the night before and she had been fine and the next day she had a mark on her face which then turned out to look like a hand print after a couple of days. When I was released they told me my boyfriend had been arrested also and I was in shock as I always thought if someone had hurt my baby surely I would have known about it. He told me that he would never touch her and I believed him, the next few days they were doing tests and they came back that the injuries were non accidental, I told him this and said that they will find out what happened to her and who did it and he swore on his sons life he did not touch her. Whole this was happening my daughter had been placed with my mum, my mum told me that something was going to be done on my daughters face to try and see if it was a male or female hand, I told my boyfriend this and said that they will find out exactly what happened, that night I had a suicide text sent to me and he threw himself under a train... no explanation of why no confession or anything. I knew when the tests came back non accidental that he had done something and I told him I thought he had done something to my daughter and he denied it every time and swore on his sons life, but why take your own life if you already have a son of your own and didn't do anything wrong?? Long story short.... he survived the train, we went to court he claimed to have lots of brain damage and didn't answer many questions, he also lost 2 legs and the outcome of the hearing was that we would both remain in the pool of perpetrators as neither of us could explain the injuries. throughout the whole court case myself and my family were all reassured that my daughter would be returned to me and at the last minute we were told she would be given to her father, I was devastated and took an overdose. My daughter now lives with her dad and I see her every other weekend unsupervised, I had to take my daughters dad to court last year as he stopped contact so it started off supervised in a centre (even though the social workers recommendation was there was no need for supervision) the last few months we have arranged contact unsupervised just between ourselves. In court in march my daughters dad wanted a prohibited steps order so that I cant have my current partner (of nearly 4 years) around my daughter, I consented to this as I didn't have a problem with it at the time as I like to spend time with my daughter by myself. The reason for him wanting this order was that me and my partner had 2 domestic incidents, in march 2016 and may 2016, circumstances were very different back then as my contact was stopped by my ex and at that time I hadn't seen her for 6 months and also my partners dad died in January 2016 and he wasn't working at the time. There ws no violence at all, the first time we had an argument because my old neighbour had sent me some flirty messages and I told my partner and he wasn't very happy, he took my house key off my keys and disappeared out of the shop and when I came out he was nowhere to be seen so I called the police as he took my key. Very silly wish I just gave him 5 mins to walk off and calm down. The second time we were arguing in may, 3 days before the incident I had a miscarriage which was very upsetting and my emotions were all over the place and 2 days before the incident I was due to see my daughter at the contact centre for the first time in 6 months he never turned up and when I don't have contact with my daughter it makes e very upset. ANYWAY... we were trying to get his nephews quadbike out of his van and into my car, it was a small van and we were struggling to get it out and we started bickering, I then started crying and my hormones and emotions where everywhere and was going to drive home, my partner didn't want me driving off so upset by myself and he took my keys off me, he is very tall and held them high I was trying to get them back and jumping up to reach and he threw them (into someone's garden by accident). A dog walker saw us arguing and was asking if I was ok and I said yes, I was embarrassed as I was crying told him to mind his own business. He said he was an ex police office and was calling the police. He called the police and said that we were hitting each other but we were not, I can understand how it may have looked when a female is crying people always blame the male but there really was no violence. My partner went into the garden to get my keys and we left in my car (we were fine) as we drove round the corner the police arrived and I went back as we left something in the van, they asked what had happened and I told them and they didn't do anything else but said they were going to call social services and I had a child (even though she doesn't live with me) they spoke to my partner and took his details and that was it. I am now pregnant, have just found out and I'm absolutely terrified, my partner is over the moon and desperate to tell his family who will be thrilled but I am thinking about having a termination and I'm so worried they will take my baby from me and I couldn't mentally go through that again or have that happen to my partner I know what it feels like and I could never put anyone else through that. There was no violence and by the time my baby is due July 2018, it would have been 2 years since any police involvement bit I'm worried they will take my baby away because of what happened to my daughter and that they might think we are domestic violent because of those 2 calls. my circumstances have changed, I now have contact with my daughter so I don't get low anymore, my partner training to be an electrician now and has been doing it for a year an a half, were very stable we don't drink or do drugs. PLEASE HELP ME I AM TERRIFIED.

k1212
Posts: 16
Joined: Tue Jan 23, 2018 2:50 pm

Re: Please help me, any advice welcome no negative comments please

Postby k1212 » Fri Jan 26, 2018 2:42 pm

can someone please give any advice?

k1212
Posts: 16
Joined: Tue Jan 23, 2018 2:50 pm

Re: Please help me, any advice welcome no negative comments please

Postby k1212 » Wed Jan 31, 2018 2:13 pm

can someone reply to me please?x

k1212
Posts: 16
Joined: Tue Jan 23, 2018 2:50 pm

Re: Please help me, any advice welcome no negative comments please

Postby k1212 » Fri Feb 02, 2018 2:09 pm

Suzie please can you advise me x

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Suzie, FRG Adviser
Posts: 1961
Joined: Mon Jul 04, 2011 2:57 pm

Re: Please help me, any advice welcome no negative comments please

Postby Suzie, FRG Adviser » Thu Feb 08, 2018 3:43 pm

Dear k1212,

Welcome to the Parents discussion board.
I am sorry that it has taken me a while to answer your post. We have been very busy recently.

I am so sorry to hear what you have been through over the past few years. It sounds like you have suffered a lot of trauma (your daughter being abused, your then partner attempting suicide, care proceedings and now possible ongoing domestic violence).

You are having weekend unsupervised contact with your daughter which is going well.

Because of the history of children services involvement and because of the referrals to the police in 2016, there is a strong chance there will be a pre- birth assessment of you and dad, if you decide to keep your baby.
This is likely to result in a pre- birth child protection plan and consideration of what needs to happen when your baby is born.
Here is information about assessments


The assessment will be looking at whether you can provide “good enough” and safe parenting of your baby and what help and support you might you need to do so.

The court decided you were in the “pool of perpetrators” which means that the court decided there was “a real possibility “you were involved. But it is not a finding that you actually caused the harm to your baby. So it cannot be relied on as evidence of past harm but will be relevant when you are being assessed.

As soon as you can, you need to speak to a solicitor. What is their view? Do you have a copy of the judgment of the court to give to the solicitor? Can you go back to your original solicitor who will know your case?

You have described what has happened between you and your partner and how there has been 2 police referrals. These have been treated as domestic violence incidents. The second referrer says he saw you being attacked.
Children services will treat these incidents as domestic violence. Although you say they are not, what you describe to me may fit the criteria for domestic violence. See the FAQ’s below.
Children services will be worried that your baby may suffer emotional abuse by witnessing domestic violence or being caught in the cross fire and injured.
Since 2016, have you or dad completed any domestic violence courses?

If not, you should contact Women’s Aid about support such as the freedom programme and an advocate to help you access the support.
Your partner could call the Respect helpline to finds out what support might be available to him.
Here are our FAQ’s about domestic violence

I am sorry to hear that you took an overdose due to the shock of your daughter being placed with dad. Have you had mental health support since that time? If you might still need support for your mental health, you should speak to your GP about an assessment.
Children services will want to know about your mental health, in case they think it might impact on your care of your baby.

I have only touched on things that might be brought up in an assessment by children services. I advise you to seek legal advice again or call our advice line on 0808 801 0366 for in depth support.

Or post again, if you need further advice.

Best wishes,
Suzie

k1212
Posts: 16
Joined: Tue Jan 23, 2018 2:50 pm

Re: Please help me, any advice welcome no negative comments please

Postby k1212 » Fri Feb 09, 2018 3:23 pm

Hello Suzy, Thankyou for replying. I feel so bad that is has been put down as a domestic as it was more me being hysterical and my partner trying to calm me down and thats why he took my keys off me because i was going to drive off, then i was trying to get my keys off him and thats when the dog walker called the police, it says on the letter that i recived from social services about the incident that we were hitting eachother but we were not, he was just standing there and i was the one that was crying and shouting at him to give my keys back (im 5ft he is 6ft) and he was holding his arm up (with the keys) and i was jumping to try and get them and then he threw they keys into someones garden. So to be honest it was my fault not his, he was calm and i was hysterical and crying, the day before i had driven an hour to see my daughter as my ex stopped contact because i took him back to court for more contact with my daughter and he never turned up and at that time i hadnt seen her for 7 months and i was very depressed at the time and feeling like i was losing control of everything and unfortunately someone was there to see it, i can undertsnad why he called the police as it must have looked bad. There has been nothing like that happen since and now that i have my regular contact back with daughter i dont get upset like that anymore, it was a build up of bad things that happend in that few months and i suppose i just had a bit of a breakdown.

k1212
Posts: 16
Joined: Tue Jan 23, 2018 2:50 pm

Re: Please help me, any advice welcome no negative comments please

Postby k1212 » Fri Feb 09, 2018 3:31 pm

Regarding my mental health i dont take medication and wouldnt say that im depressed, just that i have a depressing situation where my daughters dad still very much is quite controlling towards me and he is the only one that gets me down. Im waiting for counselling atm as i feel i need to talk to someone about how he affects me and how to deal with it better.
Regarding my daughters injuries, police dropped charges shortly after my then partner threw himself under a train and the family court decided that i should remain in the pool of perpatrators and that either one of us did and the other may have known about it and also that i failed to protect as she was in my care. At the time i did not see any bad signs (i had only been with him about 3 months) but after everything happened i did start to see signs that i should have noticed (just little things like he would tell me to stop picking her up so much, tell me that i should let her cry more) and i fully accept and understand why i am in the pool and why they think i failed to protect and i accept that, i was very immature at the time and unfortunalty didnt have family support and when social services got involved i felt very judged and did have an attitude towards them but i feel that was because i was very scared and frightened and i didnt really undertsnad what was happening. Im only 25 but i have been through a lot and have grown up a lot and had a lot of time to think about myself and the mistakes that i made at that time.

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Suzie, FRG Adviser
Posts: 1961
Joined: Mon Jul 04, 2011 2:57 pm

Re: Please help me, any advice welcome no negative comments please

Postby Suzie, FRG Adviser » Wed Feb 14, 2018 3:54 pm

Hello K1212

Thanks for your further posts. The first post seems to be a repetition of your explanation about what happened with your partner that led to the police being called. Although you mentioned being concerned that children’s services is treating the incidents as domestic violence, in your first post you describe them as domestic incidents.

I think children’s services will take account of your explanations but you should understand that it may also be considered that you are deflecting blame from your partner and accepting that what happened was your fault. This often happens in domestically abusive situations.

It is really positive on your part to have requested counselling to deal with your feelings at the moment and all the things that you have had to deal with in recent times. I am pleased that you are now having good contact with your daughter which must make you very happy.

The fact that you recognise your former partner’s behaviour and how this was an indication of him trying to control you and how you looked after your child. Your insight about this is really very good and it is something you should consider sharing as it will show that you have a better understanding of your situation. Can you remember if children’s services have described you as being a vulnerable person who make poor choices in the partners you choose? Even if this is not the case, I think it is really important for you to make contact with Women’s Aid as previously suggested. They will be able to provide you with advice and support relating to keeping yourself safe and recognising the signs of domestic abuse. Their telephone is 0808 200 0247

Please also read the information in the previous relating to domestic violence.
You say you are not depressed and this may be the case but it might be more helpful if you go to see your GP so he or she can assess you and offer any help that you might need.

Please see our young parents’ website which provides a lot of information about how to work effectively with children’s services.

Children’s service would need to assess you as you are now but they will also look at the history. You also have to show that you have made changes since the court proceedings. A risk assessment of you and your parenting are also likely to be undertaken by children’s services.

I am also including a copy of our advice shee relating to child protection procedures for your information.

The important thing is that you work openly and honestly with children’s services.

Should you wish to speak to an adviser, do telephone our advice line on 0808 801 0366. The advice line is open from 9.30am to 3pm Monday to Friday.

I hope this if helpful.

Best wishes

Suzie

k1212
Posts: 16
Joined: Tue Jan 23, 2018 2:50 pm

Re: Please help me, any advice welcome no negative comments please

Postby k1212 » Wed Feb 14, 2018 5:51 pm

I described them as domestic incidents as thats what the social services called them on my paperwork. Im not deflecting blame, i dont think he was in the wrong to take my keys given the situation. I was the one that caused the problem, i hate the fact that if something happens between a man and a woman the man instantly gets the blame and i find that very stereotypical as in this case i hate to admit it but the problem was me not him. Does that mean im a risk because i was the one in the wrong?


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