Partner arrested for possession of IIOC

Foreigner
Posts: 6
Joined: Tue Apr 18, 2017 3:14 pm

Partner arrested for possession of IIOC

Postby Foreigner » Thu May 04, 2017 2:57 pm

Hello everyone,
My partner was recently arrested for possession of indecent images of children.
From what I read in this forum and what the police said it will be at least an Year before any charges are pressed.
We have a 2 months old son who has been put under child protection plan.
I understand that social workers will be part of mine and my son's life during all this time or until I say that I no longer consider being in a relationship with my baby's father.
I have to admit that I am unsure of what the future holds for us as a couple but at the moment I am trying to support him as much as I can.
My question is: is there any case where the family remained together and were allowed to live together after the conviction?
Thanks to everyone who will take the time to read and to those who will take the time to reply
Last edited by Foreigner on Mon Oct 16, 2017 2:50 pm, edited 1 time in total.

User avatar
Suzie, FRG Adviser
Posts: 1734
Joined: Mon Jul 04, 2011 2:57 pm

Re: Partner arrested for possession of IOC

Postby Suzie, FRG Adviser » Mon May 08, 2017 5:12 pm

Dear Foreigner

Welcome to the Parents’ Discussion Forum.

My name is Suzie, online adviser, at Family Rights Group.

I see from your post that you are feeling very concerned about your current situation after partner’s arrest for downloading images. It must be difficult for you at the moment especially as you have a young child to consider. The situation must be confusing for you at the moment.

As the partner and the mother of a child you do have a lot to consider and I think you would get some support from the Lucy Faithfull Foundation . They offer advice to the perpetrator as well as family members and will be able to help you process things in a helpful way.

You will have to make decisions about how you move forward with your partner and having support and advice will help you.
Please read our advice sheet about child protection procedures for more information.

If you do decide to continue supporting your partner and to be in a relationship, then you can ask children’s services to carry out a risk assessment (which they may already be doing). It may be that they will wait to see the outcome to the police investigations.

Only you will be able to make decision about whether the relationship continues. In some instances, couples have been able to stay together and a lot will depend on the nature of the offence and the level of risk your partner is assessed as having in relation to children.

Should you wish to speak to an adviser, feel free to telephone our free, confidential advice line on 0808 801 0366. The advice line is open from 9.30 a.m. to 3.00 p.m. Monday to Friday.

I hope you find this helpful.

Best wishes

Suzie

Foreigner
Posts: 6
Joined: Tue Apr 18, 2017 3:14 pm

Re: Partner arrested for possession of IOC

Postby Foreigner » Tue May 09, 2017 7:09 pm

Thank you so much for your reply Suzie :)

PerfectlySafeDad
Posts: 20
Joined: Tue Aug 23, 2016 2:57 am

Re: Partner arrested for possession of IOC

Postby PerfectlySafeDad » Sat Jul 29, 2017 12:49 am

Hi, as a Dad who is serving a community order for IOC I might be able to give you insight and advice on your prospects. First up; try to trust your partner, as he is very likely no risk whatsoever towards his own children: Improper feelings, let alone actions towards ones own children are a taboo way too far for (in my first hand estimation) 95% of indecent image offenders. IMO as a loving Dad, a sensitive and intelligent man (but alas a 'sex offender' as branded now) it is obscene and immoral for Children's Services to suppose a parent might abuse their own child where there is NO record such. This constitutes a profound disrespect, indeed an assault, on family life - no wonder they changed their name from Social to Children's Services. They are not motivated to help families, as such, but only to cover their backs comprehensively as regards child safety because of their historic high profile failures.
Children's services will want you to break up, and may even push for it, because it makes things simpler and covers their backs. If you want to stay together, then you must insist on it but show a willingness (him too) to do what is necessary to allay their fears. It is a balancing act: Be firm without being adversarial. If you resign to living apart, it will only weaken your position as a family and give them free rein for all kinds of impositions on your man's liberty to be with his children. Part of the risk assessment will be how smooth is the relationship itself, so it's important to demonstrate asap that you are not becoming paranoid or combative with each other about the offences or the future, as this will be added ammunition to the CS and will take measures to divide you further and add stress to an already stressful time. Ultimately, you can both win by sticking together because it would finally come down to them backing out of your lives or attempting to go for a care order - difficult for them especially if he can bring his risk down by being a model rehabilitative student, so to speak, and if no other kinds of concern in your histories.
The ray of light is that the CS have a massive workload of all kinds of grimness, and do like to close cases where possible. Much will of course will depend on what horrors (or not) the police unearth, and your partner's handling of the consequences. He should plead guilty (unless truly innocent) asap and take steps to get help even before he is charged, as this shows his willingness to address his offending in the best possible light. I got myself a private counsellor during the investigation, which probably spared me a custodial sentence (thereby 'only' 5 years on the register) and have since got glowing reports from probation. It's the only hope of getting unsupervised access to my kids, even though at no stage in their lives have I ever been a risk to them, even during the days of my internet offending. The bitter fact, however, is that a person is a 'risk' if the CS thinks them a risk. Sadly it's the most draconian country in the world, but stick together and him do all the right things and you have a chance to emerge as a family. There's an element of lottery about it, sad to say, depending if you get incompetent, zealous or fair social workers, so both of you be extremely careful what you tell them at all times. In these circumstances, even snippets you think minor can be massively inflated by them and on record forever.

Chancing
Posts: 20
Joined: Mon Sep 19, 2016 2:39 am

Re: Partner arrested for possession of IOC

Postby Chancing » Fri Aug 11, 2017 11:39 am

Have replied to your PM. ;)

Audiman
Posts: 3
Joined: Tue May 02, 2017 12:40 am

Re: Partner arrested for possession of IOC

Postby Audiman » Fri Sep 15, 2017 1:57 am

PerfectlySafeDad wrote:Hi, as a Dad who is serving a community order for IOC I might be able to give you insight and advice on your prospects. First up; try to trust your partner, as he is very likely no risk whatsoever towards his own children: Improper feelings, let alone actions towards ones own children are a taboo way too far for (in my first hand estimation) 95% of indecent image offenders. IMO as a loving Dad, a sensitive and intelligent man (but alas a 'sex offender' as branded now) it is obscene and immoral for Children's Services to suppose a parent might abuse their own child where there is NO record such. This constitutes a profound disrespect, indeed an assault, on family life - no wonder they changed their name from Social to Children's Services. They are not motivated to help families, as such, but only to cover their backs comprehensively as regards child safety because of their historic high profile failures.
Children's services will want you to break up, and may even push for it, because it makes things simpler and covers their backs. If you want to stay together, then you must insist on it but show a willingness (him too) to do what is necessary to allay their fears. It is a balancing act: Be firm without being adversarial. If you resign to living apart, it will only weaken your position as a family and give them free rein for all kinds of impositions on your man's liberty to be with his children. Part of the risk assessment will be how smooth is the relationship itself, so it's important to demonstrate asap that you are not becoming paranoid or combative with each other about the offences or the future, as this will be added ammunition to the CS and will take measures to divide you further and add stress to an already stressful time. Ultimately, you can both win by sticking together because it would finally come down to them backing out of your lives or attempting to go for a care order - difficult for them especially if he can bring his risk down by being a model rehabilitative student, so to speak, and if no other kinds of concern in your histories.
The ray of light is that the CS have a massive workload of all kinds of grimness, and do like to close cases where possible. Much will of course will depend on what horrors (or not) the police unearth, and your partner's handling of the consequences. He should plead guilty (unless truly innocent) asap and take steps to get help even before he is charged, as this shows his willingness to address his offending in the best possible light. I got myself a private counsellor during the investigation, which probably spared me a custodial sentence (thereby 'only' 5 years on the register) and have since got glowing reports from probation. It's the only hope of getting unsupervised access to my kids, even though at no stage in their lives have I ever been a risk to them, even during the days of my internet offending. The bitter fact, however, is that a person is a 'risk' if the CS thinks them a risk. Sadly it's the most draconian country in the world, but stick together and him do all the right things and you have a chance to emerge as a family. There's an element of lottery about it, sad to say, depending if you get incompetent, zealous or fair social workers, so both of you be extremely careful what you tell them at all times. In these circumstances, even snippets you think minor can be massively inflated by them and on record forever.

Great advice to be honest agree with everything that has been said only thing I will add is once considered a risk it will never change

LittleMissQ
Posts: 3
Joined: Fri Aug 14, 2015 6:25 pm

Re: Partner arrested for possession of IOC

Postby LittleMissQ » Mon Oct 16, 2017 11:44 am

I did write a long reply, but somehow managed to lose it before posting :( but I will try and summarise.

I had a 2yo and a 3 month old when my partner was arrested for downloading iioc. It was the beginning of a year and a half of hell. However we are now a year without SS involvement and my partner can move back in with us whenever we chose ( at the moment he doesn't due to where he works).

My advice for you

- acknowledge your partner could be a risk to your child (However small), and look into how any perceived risks could be
- speak to the StopItNow helpline - I found their advice really helpful
- don't attempt to minimize or excuse what your partner has
- seek counselling (I saw a Relate counsellor who specialised in sex problems, and was able to talk to me about porn addiction and progression to viewing images of children, red flags for abuse and also red flags for child and adult grooming - something SS had expeessed concerns about).
- build a strong support network around yourself. Be able to demonstrate that if you chose to remain with your partner, that it's not because you can't cope on your own.
- keep child focused. Always refer to what is best for your child
- seek support from children's centre (mine was fantastic)
- I advised SS that I wouldn't make decisions on the future of our relationship until all assessments on partner had been completed

As for your partner

- he mustn't try deny/minimize what he has done. Fully accept responsibility for his actions
- seek counselling, speak to StopItNow helpline, ask for courses to help him
- be prepared for this to be a long frustrating
- work with SS

My partner was eventually deemed low risk, and me a protective factor. Our SW in the end was
Full of praise of how hard we worked to keep our family together. And it was hard work and we've lost friends. He has lost his career. But we kept the faith and we got there. I wish you luck whatever you decide xx

Foreigner
Posts: 6
Joined: Tue Apr 18, 2017 3:14 pm

Re: Partner arrested for possession of IIOC

Postby Foreigner » Thu Oct 19, 2017 9:38 pm

Thanks for your post LittleMissQ! It’s so relieving and helpful to know that there are cases where the families can actually reunite and live together!

LittleMissQ
Posts: 3
Joined: Fri Aug 14, 2015 6:25 pm

Re: Partner arrested for possession of IIOC

Postby LittleMissQ » Sat Oct 21, 2017 7:25 am

You're welcome :)

Staying together is a possibility but I think as Suzie mentioned previously, a lot depends on what risk your partner is assessed at, and also your perceived ability to accept risks exist and how you look to manage those risks.

As part of our risk management plan my partner does not have access to my wi-fi codes when he's here. If he wants to use the internet, I log him in and he can only use the laptop in communal areas, never in the bedroom and never after I've gone to bed. His parents do the same (This is where he lives). He has also given up his x-box (This was part of his viewing iioc routine - play Xbox then view images once I was asleep). I've adjusted internet settings so any kind of porn doesn't show up in searches. Other half no longer uses wi-fi on his phone.

Some of this may sound over the top, but my partner is very serious about never re-offending again. A lot of these steps are about breaking patterns. Talk to your partner about how things started, what were his triggers, and use that as a starting point for anybsafety plans.

Granny7
Posts: 7
Joined: Tue Oct 17, 2017 5:21 pm

Re: Partner arrested for possession of IIOC

Postby Granny7 » Tue Oct 24, 2017 9:32 am

Hi..all the posts make very interesting reading..can inmates make headway whilst in prison to reduce their level of risk..my situation very difficult with my own adult child in prison for internet sex crime done when very low and on lots of medication.sw advised suspended sentence..judge very hard and gave 20 months barrister appealed straight away..has to serve 10 months then on licence..as son is not bioligical child he has been denied contact with his parent unless mental health issues come to light..cs were involved from the outset and all the time during bail and the guilty plea.they had no problems whatsoever with the family set up and closed the case as no risk..will my daughter..yes a female be allowed to her own home on release or would she be able to come to me she is disabled in a wheelchair and needs 24 hour care..told you not straightforward..thankyou


Return to “Are social workers worried about your child?”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 3 guests