Son Arrested

[Har1Her1]

I really am sorry for adding continuously to his thread. The sad thing is, there is no-one outside online forums who I can 'talk' to. My wider family would only worry, particularly because events are fluid and unfolding, and caring responsibilities have left me pretty isolated. However, this is a direct question. The Consultant Psychiatrist who sees my son daily had a quick word yesterday. He said the Strategy Meeting was difficult. He arrived a little late and he said here were five representatives from the police there. He told me the police were very agitated and wanted a guarantee that my son would be kept securely until (at least) after the forensic assessment takes place (early August). The Consultant said he stated he would take personal responsibility for my son's security. The police said my son would be arrested if he was seen anywhere he should not be. There was also discussion about my youngest son. There is concern about his sexual behaviour and his potential 'danger' to others, hence the impetus put on him accessing work on sexual behaviour.

I suddenly feel like these two very vulnerable and abused young people, both of whom are on the autistic spectrum (one diagnosed, one not) are being perceived as potential criminals, even paedophiles (my eldest son spoke about voices telling him to attack young children). A Community Support Police Officer came to see me at my house a couple of days ago. He said he was there if ever I needed anything. I told him that there probably would not be any need for his services because my eldest son was not coming home. He said the support was for the whole family. I was polite, but to be honest, the police, in any form or guise are the last people I would call if any trouble arose with my son's behaviour. I don't think the situation has been helped by my husband's tendency to constantly ring the police (and other agencies) and complain about all manner of things.

So, my question is this. Will the police ever leave my sons alone? One son has expressed thoughts of attacking young children. This and other forms of behaviour have brought him to the attention of the police. The other son has been accused of sexual bullying a vulnerable young person (or child). The police seem to be concerned that he will (also) be a public danger. When his crisis is over, will my sons be able to live heir lives without coming under the police radar? Furthermore, there is a forensic assessment and almost certainly an ICPC to come. Could these be used as a basis for legal proceedings to take place to keep my sons apart from each other or from me?

I felt confident that I sort of knew and trusted the systems of CAMHS, education and CSC (for all their failings), but now decisions and actions seem to be driven by the police and this scares me.

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear Har1Her1

Thank you for your post and please do not worry about the posts you make, I am sure that your fellow posters are happy to offer support and the benefit of their own experiences.

I can see that you are still going through a very frustrating time trying to get appropriate help for your sons.

In your post you have asked a specific question whether the police will ever leave your sons alone. This is a difficult one to respond to because the police involvement with your older son relates to things that he has said and done. Whilst I understand that he has specific mental health issues the police have a duty to investigate if they think a crime is being or about to be committed. It is great that there is a consultant working with him who can give support and help regarding your son. I think the best that can be said is that if the police are satisfied that your eldest son does not pose a risk to cause harm to others, then they are unlikely to remain involved.

Hopefully, once he has had the forensic assessment there will be a clearer picture of what he needs as support for his future health and wellbeing. I do hope that this will give you some peace of mind and you will not need to worry as much as it appears you do at the moment.
Now that there is going to be appropriate help for you younger son to address his sexualised behaviour, this too, may well alleviate the concerns that there is about his behaviour.

I know that in the past your son being on a child protection plan did not deliver the help and support he should have had but now that the specific help has been identified, if there is a further child protection plan, he is more likely to get the help he needs.

Whether or not the forensic assessment will lead to proceedings will of course depend on the findings and recommendations made and whether your son engages with what is being offered to him. Before children services instigates court proceedings they will take legal advice as there needs to be evidence that the threshold criteria for a care order will be met. It is not possible to say whether or not there will be proceedings as a result of the assessment. I suggest that you try your best to get your son to engage with this process.

In previous posts you may have been referred to the Lucy Faithfull Foundation and I think you might be able to get some help from them around your son’s sexual behaviour. Please contact them on 0808 100 0900 and their website is here . You may also be able to get advice from the Challenging Behaviour Foundation on 0300 666 0126

It is unfortunate that due to your husband’s particular difficulties you have had to deal with things by yourself which must be difficult for you. I think you should be really proud of yourself for all that you have put in to help and support your children.

Should you wish to speak to an adviser about children services involvement with your family, please telephone our free confidential advice line on 0808 801 0366. The advice line is open from 9.30 a.m. to 3.00 p.m. Monday to Friday.

I hope you find this helpful.

Best wishes,

Suzie

[Har1Her1]

Hello,

I have heard that there will be an Initial Child Protection Conference early in August. I am a bit apprehensive about the conference because I know there will be a strong police presence there (there were five officers at the Strategy Meeting); Children's Social Care will need to show they are capable of 'robust' measures (because their intervention in our last and recent Child Protection case was largely in effective) and because, irrespective of the circumstances, I allowed my children to live together and the 'abuse' did happen under my roof when the children were under my care.

I could argue until I am blue in the face that I had no real choice but to give my youngest a home when my husband gave up their lodgings; I could also argue that my youngest has unmet needs and probably an undiagnosed condition similar to his brother's and no support has been given to us. However, I do not think this will make any difference.

Please can you tell me if and how I could get some legal representation, even just someone who knows something about the law, who can accompany me to the meeting.

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear Har1Her1

Thank you for your further post.

I know this ongoing intervention by children services has been difficult for you and you do not have a lot of faith in the help they can provide.

It is unfortunate that your youngest son has not been willing to engage with support he has been offered in the past. Hopefully, he will be more cooperative this time around.

Whilst I understand fully your reason for being apprehensive about a further child protection, I do think that you should mention all the things you feel will benefit your son in respect of support and assessment of his specific needs. You feel very strongly that he may have similar difficulties to his brother and it is important that you insist as much as you can that he is assessed. He cannot receive appropriate help and support if no one knows his issues.

Regarding seeking legal advice, as it is child protection you may be eligible for advice under legal aid. I suggest you find a solicitor who is accredited to the children panel. You can do so by visiting the Law Society website find a solicitor here.

It is not usual for a solicitor to attend a child protection conference because the solicitor is not really able to do very much except listen and take notes. However, if you do decide to have a solicitor you will need to inform the social worker. If you had a solicitor there then a solicitor would be there on behalf of children services as well.

I think it might be helpful if you make note of all the things you consider important for your son to receive so you can hand to the chair and other professionals attending the conference. Also, in this way you will not forget to mention anything during the meeting.

Please do telephone our free and confidential advice line on 0808 801 0366 should you wish to speak with an adviser. The advice line is open Monday to Friday from 9.30 a.m. to 3.00 p.m.

I hope this is helpful.

Best wishes

Suzie

[Har1Her1]

Hello,

The Conference was held today and both boys have been put on Child Protection Plans under the category of 'Emotional Abuse'. I felt totally beaten and patronised. I can accept that I let my boys live together when my husband gave up his accommodation and I can accept that I did not/could not manage their behaviour sufficiently to ensure my eldest son's safety and I can accept that when my eldest ran away, I did not phone the police, rather I ran after him and, unfortunately, lost him. There were contexts to all these events. However, even though my eldest is sectioned in a psychiatric unit and even though my youngest has been diagnosed as medically unfit for school and is being gently introduced to 1:1 sessions in a PRU, Children's Social Care blame my parenting. They are asking why I don't take the boys out socially or for activities. Well, they don't even go to the shop! When I explained that my youngest lashes out when he is anxious, they told me to take him on a Respect course. I asked if we could have Outreach who were a bit more autism aware next time and our lead social worker told me that I had a duty as a parent to make my sons engage and that it was a waste of resources if Outreach came to the house and the boys did not go out. I thought it was brilliant that they came downstairs to meet the Outreach workers.

Well, my eldest is not coming home. The lead social worker again said that a Child Protection Plan would apply to him just in case plans for his accommodation broke down and I offered him lodgings. My youngest is getting anxious again and obsessing about germs.

I broke down in the meeting. I felt ashamed because it made me seem weak. In just over a year, I have given up a job that I loved, moved to a town that I hate, separated from my husband, lost one son to the system and now live with the most challenging who is, again, at the edge of care. I work from home, so I see no-one and have no social contacts. Yet, I know one of the aims on the plan will be for me to take my (avoidant) son out on social outings.

I feel like I cannot work with people who have so little insight into my family, despite the fact that they worked with us for seven months last year. Can I ask for a new team or do you think the next team would be just as bad?

[Har1Her1]

I really think I am going to give up. I have had three nights of screaming in my sleep and I cry (privately) every day. I have not abused my children and I never would do so. I have fought as hard as I could for them. Now I am blamed to lack of engagement and for not allowing my sons to engage with agencies and so now they have few independent living skills and poor life chances. I am accused of causing an escalation in my son's mental health. My son was taken on Section to a psychiatric ward; my other son has issues so profound he cannot access a PRU and social workers used to come to see him in pairs. If I have caused that, I am unfit as a human being; if people think I have caused it then I need to know how they have come to such a conclusion. As it is, I cannot face meeting anyone who gave such a damning verdict

I feel I have nothing to lose now and by that token, I have nothing to offer my sons. One son has gone and the other will be taken when I cannot make him 'engage' e.g. attend SEAM 2 programmes for sexually abusive children or Respect programmes for children who hit their parents. Will a child who worries consistently about what others think of him ever attend such programmes? Am I being asked to make him attend so that I 'fail' again and lack of control is evidenced?

I have lost everything that mattered to me in life: my children, my career, my marriage and now- any sense of self worth as I am branded an 'abuser'.

I cannot work with Children's Social Care. I cannot sign documents that say I have caused so much harm to my children. I want to counter this, but I am too broken. I have to keep up a front for the children, but I cannot face social workers who cover their own inadequacy - the fact that no agency could make two autistic teenagers engage - on my 'failure' as a parent. I have asked for a change of social workers and I have asked my social worker (via e-mail) for specific details of exactly when and how I have prevented agencies from engaging with my sons. Yet I doubt if I can even speak to members of social services if they call. I am beginning to feel more and more like my sons every day.

Suzie, what will happen when I refuse to sign the Plans and I refuse to engage with CSC? I will work with CAMHS and with Education, but I cannot work with people who think so little of me and who make such damning evaluations. They are there to protect children from harm, apparently. But how can they protect my children by destroying their mother so totally? I have never hated people in my life before and hatred should not be part of partnership which aims to find the best provision for two very vulnerable young people. Yet I hate the three member of CSC who presented such a damning report and, especially the social worker who failed to help us effectively on the last Plan. I hate them because their incompetence and lies have reduced me to such a state that I can hardly look after my son and I am in danger of breaking down in front of my other son. Surely, no-one should be left feeling this way.

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear Har1Her1

Thank you for your further posts.

I am sorry that you are feeling so frustrated and helpless in the current situation regarding your children.

Reading your posts, it seems that you feel that children services is putting the blame for your children’s behaviour entirely on you. From your various posts, you have indicated that both your son’s have specific needs and their failure to engage with services would appear to be part of their difficulties. Obviously, I do not have all the information that children services has in respect of your case and can only advise on the basis of what you have posted.

Do either of your sons have an advocate who can help them to get their voices heard in meetings. Perhaps, if they are able to speak to someone one to one about what they are feeling and what they want this might help especially your younger son to work towards engaging with the services he clearly needs to help him both personally and socially. As your older son has now been sectioned and in hospital, he might be able to have someone for example who is there specifically to support him through mental health services. Alternatively, your local Young Minds may be able to provide support for him.

You say that the agencies have not been able to make your children engage, it is difficult for anyone to make them do something they do not want to, and this is why children services may consider that you as their mother could have done more to get them to engage. Unfortunately, parents are not able to make a child do anything. If the services have been offered and not taken up it is hard to see how your younger son in particular will get the help he needs. Do you know why it is that he is so against engaging with services which are there to help and support him?

I think that you are being far too hard on yourself. At the end of the day you can only do what you think is best for your children. From your various posts it seems that you have done your best. You are not their only parent and if you did not have support from their father, then it is a lot for one person to do everything. Try not to make yourself ill because of the outcome of children services’ investigations. The social workers are basing their opinions on their perception of the situation. They are not experts in dealing with the specific health and behavioural issues the children have which is why there has to be referrals to other agencies and services.

You have asked specifically what would happen if you decide not to sign any plan or engage with children services, the possible outcome would be that children services could decide to apply to the court for a care order in respect of your youngest son. If this was granted, children services would then be in a position to place your son either in foster care or residential therapeutic placement. I know you want your son living with you but if you are not able to offer him the help and support he needs right now, a therapeutic environment might help. Would you agree to children services acing him under section 20 voluntary care?

Looking back at your posts, your involvement with children services appears to have been a frustrating time for you especially as your sons have not been helped to the extent that you had hoped. You have indicated that there are some things that you accept could have been handled differently but despite this, I do not think you should feel inadequate as a mother as you have fought hard to help your children. Please consider speaking to your GP about how you are feeling at the moment. I think you need support for yourself as well.

Try not to give up, you are not a bad person, you have done what it is in your power to do for your children. I do not understand why you feel that you are being accused of being an abuser, please remember that you and your husband parented your children. Your husband you said has his own difficulties so it has been hard for you to ‘carry all the balls’ so to speak, by yourself. Perhaps, you can try letting go a little to see how your younger son in particular can be helped. At the moment your eldest is getting the help he needs. I do not think you can think of yourself being responsible for your children’s health conditions, no one has control over this at all.

If you do decide to try an advocate for your son, I suggest you mention to children services that this could be the way forward for him. Our advice sheet is here for your further information. The National Youth Advocacy Service (NYAS) might be able to advocate on behalf of your son, so please contact them on 0808 808 1007, the Challenging Behaviour Foundation may also be able to give you advice and support, their telephone number is 0300 666 0126.

Unfortunately, despite how you feel about the social workers and children services, my advice would be that you should still try to cooperate with them as much as you can for the sake of your youngest son. I understand that you will find this difficult because of the negative things you feel has been said about you as a parent but it is the best way. Working with all services would really be best.

I do hope you will find this helpful but if you do wish to speak to an adviser about children services and your feelings about how they have performed, please feel free to telephone our free and confidential advice line on 0808 801 0366. The advice line is open 9.30 a.m. to 3.00 p.m. Monday to Friday.

Best wishes,

Suzie

[Har1Her1]

Hello,

Thank you for the support This is just a brief question. I feel like I cannot sign plans that say I have abused my children. I have scoured the various criteria for 'emotional abuse' and my actions do not readily fit any of them. Suzie, I will agree to work towards he best outcomes for my son, but I cannot sign the plans because I am not an abuser, emotional or otherwise. Will my child/ren be taken from me because I do no agree that I have abused them?

[Har1Her1]

Hello,

A few days have past and the situation is unfolding. My eldest son is still in the CAMHS unit and has a CPA at the end of this month. I expect the CPA will discuss discharge, yet no-one from any agency is really looking for anywhere for him to go? Furthermore, no-one is looking for any activities. I have contacted 4 supported living providers and three would not take people under 18 and the other would require a very long period of transition and gentle introduction. The lady from the voluntary service who attended the ICPC will not respond to my enquiries, so I assume she was scared or put off by what she heard, but there are one or two voluntary groups in the city where my son would like to live. My son has expressed some very clear views about what he wants and what he does not want, but I am afraid his provision is going to be rushed, badly planned and resource led. This means the potential for an inadequate placement is high and he risks experiencing a break down in provision.

My youngest son attended his first session of 'developmental work'. He was presented with a book which showed men and women engaging in various activities and he was asked which he thought was 'acceptable' and which was not. He said he threw the booklet on the floor and told the social workers who were delivering the session that they should not be running the session because the booklet was published by the police. He was also asked if he got any sexual pleasure from touching his brother. He seemed shocked by the question. He has little empathy and truly does not realise that he has done anything 'wrong'. I am left to pick up the pieces and explain what the course is about and why he has to attend. I just wish someone could have told me about the content or the structure of the course so I could prepare him a little. I have been going back to basics and explaining how his brother feels when he touches him on his private parts, but it will take a lot of work before he understands.

No-one has even talked about what my youngest son's education may look like in September. He is supposed to have a visual time table but nothing has appeared and he is supposed to have gradual transition to the PRU over the holidays. Well, there is a week left.

I am beginning to feel really angry and frustrated again. I am classed as an inadequate parent, yet I am left running around making enquiries that other agencies should be prioritising. I am also left to mop up after social workers who seem to have little understanding of SEN blunder their way through a workbook.

The Children and Families department of our council is rated 'good' in all seven areas in which they were evaluated. I take it those areas did not include 'working effectively with parents'.