Indecent images plus more.

Alhow*
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Joined: Wed Mar 09, 2016 11:28 pm

Indecent images plus more.

Postby Alhow* » Wed Mar 16, 2016 9:53 pm

My ex partner has recently been sentenced to a very short sentence considering his crimes, and I am trying to pick up the pieces for a 6 year old who adores her Dad. He pleaded guilty for 31 indecent images/videos of children being sexually abused, some as young as 3. I am finding it hard to even write this. he was caught by an undercover sting as he was trying to engage in a 'graphic' sexual conversation with a 14 yr old. My daughter saw her Dad once a week on a school night and every other weekend. I obviously want no contact but am constantly questioning my decision, as, as a woman who's father died at a young age always wanted him in her life, as I have had a hard road dealing with being without a Dad, but in completely different circumstances. My daughter's behaviour is certainly challenging of late, but who can blame her!? I'm not sure how to deal with it and what to do for the best. I realise this is vague but would welcome anyone who will engage in conversation (I'm new to forum's and completely unsure how they work), with a common situation or just another opinion. Thanks

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Suzie, FRG Adviser
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Joined: Mon Jul 04, 2011 2:57 pm

Re: Indecent images plus more.

Postby Suzie, FRG Adviser » Thu Mar 17, 2016 12:24 pm

Dear Alhoward

Welcome to the Family Rights Group Parents’ Discussion Forum.

My name is Suzie and I am an adviser at Family Rights Group.

As far as how the forum works, you are doing absolutely fine. It is just a case of doing your post and other parents will respond if they feel able to offer advice and support.

I am sorry that you are feeling unsure and confused about the best way to deal with the situation you find yourself in following the conviction of your daughter’s father. It is of course hard to know how best to help your daughter come to terms with not having contact with her father. You will need to consider whether contact is going to be in her best interests. Contact is for the benefit of the child rather than that of a parent.

Do you wish to have your daughter maintain contact with her father? If you were to decide that he could not, because of your concerns about the behaviour which led to his conviction, he might decide to make an application to the court for an order to be allowed contact. The court would then be able to look at all the circumstances including his conviction in order to decide whether contact is in your daughter’s interests. The court’s main consideration when making its decision is the welfare of the child.

It is not clear from your post whether Children Services became involved following the arrest and subsequent charge of your daughter's father. If Children Services has advised you that there should be no contact or no unsupervised contact, then it is important that you consider their advice before deciding to allow contact. Children Services would be very concerned about your ability to keep your daughter safe if you allowed contact against their advice.

Your dilemma is understandable because of your own background growing up without a father. However, you would not want to put yourself in a position where Children Services question your ability to be protective of your daughter. This could lead them to take action to safeguard your daughter.

I am not trying to scare you or add to the feelings that you currently have regarding contact but think it is important that you understand the possible outcome in Children Services have been involved.

If they have had no involvement, then it is a decision for you to make as to whether or not you will allow contact between your daughter and her father. Bearing in mind the nature of his offence you should consider whether that contact will be supervised. I should also add that if someone were to inform Children Services of the father’s conviction and his registration as a sex offender, they would become involved and the situation would be as I have set out above.

In order to help you make an informed decision, I suggest that you contact the Lucy Faithfull Foundation on 0808 1000 900 and they might be able to give your more information regarding contact with a registered sex offender

The Challenging Behaviour Foundation may be able to provide you with strategies to cope with your daughter during this difficult time. I have included their website here for your information.

I hope you will find this helpful

Best wishes

Suzie

Alhow*
Posts: 5
Joined: Wed Mar 09, 2016 11:28 pm

Re: Indecent images plus more.

Postby Alhow* » Thu Mar 17, 2016 9:13 pm

Hi Suzie,
Thank you for your reply, it is much appreciated, and for giving me pointers in who to contact in order to receive support.

I was unclear and slightly vague to begin with as I was unsure if I would get any responses.

Social Services were involved initially and my daughter was 'questioned' in a child friendly way by 2 police officers and a social worker. They are 'confident' that nothing untoward has happened to her. After this, Social Services have been useless in terms of any support or direction and have pretty much left me to it, despite my consistent requests for help. They seemed to establish that my daughter was not in danger and so they had done their job.

Should I decide that he will have contact, it will certainly be supervised under the circumstances. My only concern is her happiness and wellbeing, and whether to let her see her Dad supervised, or not at all, is a tough call. My decision will not be based on my bias. I will not be putting her in any danger whatsoever. I am fully protective of my daughters welfare. My comments about my father were purely to identify that I have not had a family unit which resulted in me wanting to have one. Just adding to the dilemma.The comments, in fact, are irrelevant. I think his application to a Court would maybe be the best way potentially, although I must admit I do not know what this entails. Would they ask my opinion about other illegal/ non illegal, yet still irresponsible behaviour towards his daughter i.e. writing off numerous cars due to terrible/ drink driving (despite her not being in them thankfully), continuously smoking in her close vicinity when she was very young despite my pleas for him not to (although he has given up now). There are other examples.

I would just like to reiterate my appreciation of your comments. It is the most help I have received from anyone/ any organisation, despite numerous phone calls and requests for help.

Thank you

I will contact the Lucy Faithfull Foundation as suggested.

Best regards

Murray72
Posts: 116
Joined: Mon Mar 12, 2012 10:48 am

Re: Indecent images plus more.

Postby Murray72 » Fri Mar 18, 2016 10:42 am

Hi Alhoward,

I have been in your shoes and I would say congratulations on keeping CS input to a minimum, they obviously feel you are a protective factor and can safeguard your child, this is probably the best outcome considering the offences committed by the Father. If CS were to be further involved it is likely you would find that stifling and intrusive, it can be very difficult to deal with the issues that arise when CS are scrutinising your every reaction.

With regards to your Child having future contact with your Child, I would suggest you look at the long term with honesty, what sort of Father/Child relationship can flourish in a supervised environment, who will supervise and where will it take place? Local Authority contact centre's are not the most pleasant environment for your child and usually aimed at younger children so an older child can easily become bored and not enjoy this contact. Family and friends who are willing to supervise may soon become fed up of this after a long period of time. You also have to ask yourself what will happen if Dad goes onto commit further offences (trust me this does happen).

Alhow*
Posts: 5
Joined: Wed Mar 09, 2016 11:28 pm

Re: Indecent images plus more.

Postby Alhow* » Fri Mar 18, 2016 9:11 pm

Thanks very much for your input and giving me other points to think about, which may not have crossed my mind!

L1971
Posts: 2
Joined: Fri Apr 08, 2016 12:26 am

Re: Indecent images plus more.

Postby L1971 » Tue Apr 12, 2016 11:02 pm

Hi Alhoward

no practical advice but I just want to let you know that you’re not alone. I'm in a very similar position to you. My husband received a 32 month prison sentence in November. My daughter has just turned 7 and is struggling with separation and anxiety issues. SS were very much involved when my husband was first arrested but left me to supervise contact while he was on bail. I made numerous attempts to contact them for advice and support when he was charged and subsequently sentenced with no success.

I am about to start divorce proceedings and like you, I really don't know what to do for the best about contact.

Have you tried talking to Action for Children? I rang them for some advice because I really think my daughter needs some counselling. I'm really struggling to talk to her about something I can't even begin to understand myself. You can't self refer but if you talk to the school or your GP they can refer you. I have an appointment with the headteàcher tomorrow so hopefully she will make the referral for me.

Alhow*
Posts: 5
Joined: Wed Mar 09, 2016 11:28 pm

Re: Indecent images plus more.

Postby Alhow* » Tue Jun 07, 2016 8:45 pm

Hi Lucy,

I apologise as I have not checked this site for a long time.. I'm so sorry to hear about your situation... it is so unfair that another persons actions leaves us with a daunting and horrendous situation which has just been landed in our lap, with no fault of our own.. and more importantly.. the effect it has on our gorgeous, innocent children, who cannot, and should not, have to understand it. I have contacted about 20 organisations in my bereft sensibility, and not knowing how to deal with the situation with my daughter. I have had NO help whatsoever.. apparently no one knows how to deal with this kind of situation and there is nowhere you and I can get advice, or, speak to people who have been through a similar experience. I have felt desperate, despondent and completely isolated. There must be a niche helpline that is needed.. but when dealing with this sort of issue, and not knowing how to deal with it.. right now I can't start that right now.. it is all consuming! To get through the hours/ days/weeks is completely related to how my daughter is... she seems OK, but then suddenly becomes very unpredictable... it's a minefield, although she is 6 and that is part of being that age.. My next concern is that her Dad gets out in 6 weeks and that is another worry to behold... he can apply for contact at the courts, presumably supervised, otherwise it will not happen, but I'm not sure how good that will be for her. Having said that, I will not allow myself to make the decision for her as she may hate me for it in the future. I feel, at the moment, that I need to leave the avenue open for her to keep in contact with her Dad, as long as I have control, so she can make her own decision when she is 18.... I could write for hours about my concerns and dilemma's... but there's no one to help or advise so you/i just has to muddle through the best you can and hope for the best.... with minimal damage to the kids..
and just one more thing... the offenders are completely being looked after... food... bed... education.. rehabilitation...
Us... nothing... nowt... but a lot less money (money is irrelevant in the grand scheme of things but it just makes it harder).
Scuse the rant... I wish you all the best.x

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Suzie, FRG Adviser
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Joined: Mon Jul 04, 2011 2:57 pm

Re: Indecent images plus more.

Postby Suzie, FRG Adviser » Wed Jun 08, 2016 2:12 pm

Hi Alhoward,

Thank you for posting on the parents forum again.

Your post is very informative –particularly the difficulty you have in finding support for your situation. Because children services had assessed you as protective from the start as you no longer wished to carry on a relationship with dad, they had closed your daughter’s case as there was no need for their involvement. The downside is that you may not have been directed to support for yourself. I can see that you might feel very isolated.
You might want to refer back to them for an early help assessment or support in light of dad coming out of prison.


Action for prisoners families’ have some information for families of sex offenders so should be able to offer some support.


I will also ask my colleagues whether they are aware of any specific advice line or service that might be available.

As dad will be coming out of prison soon, I expect that a referral will be made to children services to advise them of this. So children services are likely to get in touch with you again.

Also multi-agency risk assessment will take place to ascertain the level of risk that dad might pose to the public and how that risk will be managed. Here is some information about these assessments.

In respect of any court application for contact that dad might make, you could contact the Coram children’s legal centre or Rights of Women about the legal process.

I hope this information helps but please post again or if you need more in depth advice, you could also contact our advice line on 0808 801 0366.
I will hopefully be able to find other resources that might be of help to you.

Best wishes,

Suzie

Alhow*
Posts: 5
Joined: Wed Mar 09, 2016 11:28 pm

Re: Indecent images plus more.

Postby Alhow* » Sun Aug 07, 2016 10:07 pm

Hi Suzie,

I know a lot of time has passed since I last posted. And I must say that I really appreciate your advice and support even though I did not express that at the time. Although I had no other positive support from many places, you quickly responded, and although I felt there was no where left to go, you still tried to help. Thank you. As time has passed, things with my daughter have settled down somewhat. In the last week I learned that my ex partner is now being deported and will not be allowed to come back, as far as I know. As much as that takes most of the decisions away from me I can still not help but feel very sad about the situation for my daughter. I also appreciate that a lot of other women do not have the same situation as me and have to deal with the ongoing harrowing dilemma of the male still being about somewhere. It is truly horrendous. As no one else has posted I will leave it at that. But thank you to you.

Boobop16
Posts: 19
Joined: Thu Jul 07, 2016 8:31 am

Re: Indecent images plus more.

Postby Boobop16 » Mon Aug 08, 2016 10:02 am

Alhoward

At least you have some sort of solution and you know your girl will be safe. Lots of children grow up without fathers, I did, and am a widow so my daughter will as well. More important is that they are loved, nurtured by those who are there. Don't beat yourself up, it's not your fault. Keep heart and keep strong. Wishing you lots of luck.


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