HELP - Child protection
Posted: Fri Dec 05, 2014 12:54 am
Hello,
I am having huge problems with my child who is currently 10,5 years old.
I have three children who live with me - the oldest is almost 13 yr old, youngest 17 month old and the child in question. I have been divorced form the dad of th older two since 2008 and it was a messy divorce as well as I have a very bad relationship with their dad. Also, there was a recent court case regarding custody of the children and both boys expressed their will to live with me to CAFCAS.
The youngest child has no dad on a birth certificate. He did not want to go ahead with pregnancy for his reasons but is seeing him on a regular basis and they are slowly building a relationship.
One morning I had a disagreement with the 10 year old and it was quite upsetting especially as our house is usually very friendly and loving, the child needed to be told off due to him becomming progressively lazy and numerous askings did not work. I had to run to work that morning so had no time to explain the situation which would usually be the case where I explain why my kids are told off but thought I would do it after school and the child staid with grandad who comes to look after the youngest while I work part time. The oldest child has already left to school.
After I got back from work, I found myself wondering why the 10 yr old did not get back home in time. Child is in final year of primary school and walks back home alone. After over 40 mins of waiting I took the youngest and went to look aroung. First place to go was the school where I was met by the office lady who looked very distressed and asked me to wait untill the head teacher came. The head told me that because of what happened that morning, the 10 year old was very upset and was afraid to go back home (!) then she asked if police has already visited me at home! She mentioned a mark somewhere. I was so shocked I could not say a word just rushed home. School knows our family for 11 years dn kids have swimming once a week where they get stripped down to swimming trunks which means ANY sort of abuse wouldhave been picked up a long time ago. she never even rang me to ask for my side of story, jsut rang social services!
Two policemen and a SW came to my house. SW wanted to check kids' bedrooms, asked why was I so stressed whcih I found weird - how can you NOT be stressed when they come?! Anyway, I simply allowed them to do teir job. The little one was showing signs of a happy kid, talking to them and showing them toys etc. these people wanted to wait for the eldest, and after interviewing the eldest the SW said it was obvious that this was a 'one off' and that it would be good if a 10 year old would stay with his dad untill the medical examination was done. I had no idea why that was needed but since it was Thursday and that weekend both older boys were due to stay with their dad, I did not see the problem in it. Plus I wanted them to get to the bottom of it and had nothing to hide so thought of course just do your job and leave us alone.
While the oldest was beign questioned in another room, I asked the policeman what was going to happen and he explained that because the mark was so small, I would make a statement in the police station and all would be finished as the fact that the 10 yr old was so distressed meant that this was a one off as when kids are being abused they 'toughen up' and don't cry hence they concluded this was nothing serious.
The other week I had to take my oldest and youngest to the doctor's check up. The 10 year old was taken by dad's partner as I was not allowed to do that. The doctor's concluded 'results inconclussive' they said there was obviously nothing serious but because police hasn't done conclusions yet, they could not conclude the case either.
The following day I was asked to come to the police to make that statement which I was looking forward to as I thought i would explain what happened and all wouldbe over. However, I was explained there were two ways the events would develop - 1. I would 'admit to the offense' and everything would be finalised there and then, or 2. if I did refuse to admit, crown procecusion would be investigating (or sth along these lines).I asked what offense they wanted me to admit to and that was when policeman shown me #the mark' - a picture with the 10 yr old's head and two spots very high on the forehead. He told me to admit I have hit the child! Once again I was shocked and of course said I did not do that. then policeman's tone completely changed, he started preparing the tape as if to question me under caution or sth like that. He did not complete it that day because when he asked if I wanted a solicitor I said I did.
At that point I was completely stressed and had no idea what was going on. Anyway, within the next couple of days I was being questioned under caution again with the presence of a solicitor. At the end was told my both other kids would be questioned and believe the 10 year old was questioned the following week (that day I spoke to SW who told me that was the case). My other one was not questioned and I did not hear from the police for a month. The solicitor firm representing me contacted the police who were not responding but finally told them they forwarded the case to the crown procecution for a review! When my solicitor told me that I was absolutely shocked especially as his voice indicated how much trouble I was in and as if he was hoping it woudl not happen. He could not comment as the allegations were not revealed so solicitor had no idea what would charges be.
Anyway SW did one home visit, as if he needed to see my other kids who stay with me. When in the house, I had my friend with me as a witness and I am happy I did as he came to bully me into admitting to have hit my kid and tell me how dare I do not admit. I think towards the end he understood I was stuck in a situation where 10 yr old's dad and his partner were brainwashing the kid as he was previously fighting the custody case and failed because kids expressed wish to stay with me. And I asked him what he (SW) wanted me to do but nothing I could was possible because my ex would not allow me to see the kid saying the kid does nto want to see me which is bullshit.
My mum went to see the child two weeks ago and she said the child is portraying me as a complete monster saying how much I shout in the house and how bad I am etc. She was told how well the kid is doing he they have him and how much calmer is etc. She was heartbroken for me.
Anyway. My oldest told me police came to the school to ask few questions, my solicitor suggests this was possibly because they need further evidence.
I have no idea what is happening, what will happen and what the outcome will be other than i feel that I have lost my kid! Every time SW is trying to make a contact for me and the 10 yr old, kid's dad sais kid does not want to see me. My oldest sais they aren't even asking the child, just saying they spoke to SW and told him that the child does not want to see mum.
I asked SW to go to school and speak face to face and read body language. Then I rang eldest on the mobile when they were together and asked to give the phone to the child in question. I was surprised to hear that the child missed me and the voice of the child was very loving and caring. when i started saying the kid had to tell someone if wanted to see me and I would obviously fight to be reunited, the phone was taken by my ex who said the conversation was over as the kid started crying. Well obviously after not seeing mum for a month who wouldn't cry.
i do not know what to do, I don't want to stress the kid by following and making it awkward in case it is true that kid does not want to see me and am waiting for the 10 yr old to miss home and ask to be back but it is not happening as the longer it goes, the larger the gap between us. Of course I also feel very hurt and do not thing it is fair for me to go and beg the kid to come back after what I was put through.
It now has been two months since the incident! There was absolutely no contact between us other than the doctors, dentist's appointment when ex's partner took the kid and that short phone conversation.
Because the child is 10 yrs of age I feel I cannot force anything but I do not know how this hatred could have grown. there could be reasons such as birth of a new baby and other's which lead to lack of attention but the thing is I do not know what will happen and what to do. If I appoint a solicitor and the kid sais that does not want to see me, then it's a waste of time and money (which I do nothave). If I go to school, I was told by the SW school office would call the children services to allert a possible abduction unless child's dad consents to me going to school (this will NEVER happen btw and when SW asked if I could go to school to speak to the child, SW was told kid did not want to see me and didn't even ask the kid!).
I have spoken to the SW few days ago adn he wants to come to the house for a chatt next week. No idea what the chat will be about but I said ok. When he came first time he suggested me a parenting courses or sth where someone would come in the house to teach me how not to 'cross boundaries' or sth like that. I said to him I DO NOT smack or hit or use any other force on my kids because they are very good and they do not need it hence I do not require anyone in the house. During phone conversation he asked me again if I wanted someone to teach me to be a parent, I said no unless this would be a requirement expected by me but it would be a waste of resources. This is also due to kids saying I pulled their ears few years ago which I would have done as a last resourt if they were messing about and would have hurt themselves if left to continue but raising voice would not help. However, this would happen very rarely and now are way too old to be treated like that.
What confused me also was that SW once again strongly suggested me to get legal advice. He implies it is to do with contact enforcement but how things were developing I do not believe anyone anymore as things were coming out which were not known to me.
Please tell me your honest opinion what I should do. The oldest and youngest live with me and are happy etc. Is there a chance they can be taken away form me if say police decides to procecute or if I do not do this parenting course? I told him I would go and listen to some clsddrd if he wished but I have whole library at home on how to bring up the kids and I am a very good mum. I honestly cannot believe this is happening.
I do not know whether there's anythign I can do regarding the 10 yr old. Can I make him meet me? What if the child finds it stressful as he uses to be when durign custody case their dad used to follow us everywhere? I feel that all i need is to see the kid and to give a hug and all would be as it was as there was clear lack of attention and the kid felt left out due to me being so busy with the baby and so tired in evenings... and of course the propaganda against me in dad's home
Will this ever end and what can I do to help the situation?
Thank you very much in advance
I am having huge problems with my child who is currently 10,5 years old.
I have three children who live with me - the oldest is almost 13 yr old, youngest 17 month old and the child in question. I have been divorced form the dad of th older two since 2008 and it was a messy divorce as well as I have a very bad relationship with their dad. Also, there was a recent court case regarding custody of the children and both boys expressed their will to live with me to CAFCAS.
The youngest child has no dad on a birth certificate. He did not want to go ahead with pregnancy for his reasons but is seeing him on a regular basis and they are slowly building a relationship.
One morning I had a disagreement with the 10 year old and it was quite upsetting especially as our house is usually very friendly and loving, the child needed to be told off due to him becomming progressively lazy and numerous askings did not work. I had to run to work that morning so had no time to explain the situation which would usually be the case where I explain why my kids are told off but thought I would do it after school and the child staid with grandad who comes to look after the youngest while I work part time. The oldest child has already left to school.
After I got back from work, I found myself wondering why the 10 yr old did not get back home in time. Child is in final year of primary school and walks back home alone. After over 40 mins of waiting I took the youngest and went to look aroung. First place to go was the school where I was met by the office lady who looked very distressed and asked me to wait untill the head teacher came. The head told me that because of what happened that morning, the 10 year old was very upset and was afraid to go back home (!) then she asked if police has already visited me at home! She mentioned a mark somewhere. I was so shocked I could not say a word just rushed home. School knows our family for 11 years dn kids have swimming once a week where they get stripped down to swimming trunks which means ANY sort of abuse wouldhave been picked up a long time ago. she never even rang me to ask for my side of story, jsut rang social services!
Two policemen and a SW came to my house. SW wanted to check kids' bedrooms, asked why was I so stressed whcih I found weird - how can you NOT be stressed when they come?! Anyway, I simply allowed them to do teir job. The little one was showing signs of a happy kid, talking to them and showing them toys etc. these people wanted to wait for the eldest, and after interviewing the eldest the SW said it was obvious that this was a 'one off' and that it would be good if a 10 year old would stay with his dad untill the medical examination was done. I had no idea why that was needed but since it was Thursday and that weekend both older boys were due to stay with their dad, I did not see the problem in it. Plus I wanted them to get to the bottom of it and had nothing to hide so thought of course just do your job and leave us alone.
While the oldest was beign questioned in another room, I asked the policeman what was going to happen and he explained that because the mark was so small, I would make a statement in the police station and all would be finished as the fact that the 10 yr old was so distressed meant that this was a one off as when kids are being abused they 'toughen up' and don't cry hence they concluded this was nothing serious.
The other week I had to take my oldest and youngest to the doctor's check up. The 10 year old was taken by dad's partner as I was not allowed to do that. The doctor's concluded 'results inconclussive' they said there was obviously nothing serious but because police hasn't done conclusions yet, they could not conclude the case either.
The following day I was asked to come to the police to make that statement which I was looking forward to as I thought i would explain what happened and all wouldbe over. However, I was explained there were two ways the events would develop - 1. I would 'admit to the offense' and everything would be finalised there and then, or 2. if I did refuse to admit, crown procecusion would be investigating (or sth along these lines).I asked what offense they wanted me to admit to and that was when policeman shown me #the mark' - a picture with the 10 yr old's head and two spots very high on the forehead. He told me to admit I have hit the child! Once again I was shocked and of course said I did not do that. then policeman's tone completely changed, he started preparing the tape as if to question me under caution or sth like that. He did not complete it that day because when he asked if I wanted a solicitor I said I did.
At that point I was completely stressed and had no idea what was going on. Anyway, within the next couple of days I was being questioned under caution again with the presence of a solicitor. At the end was told my both other kids would be questioned and believe the 10 year old was questioned the following week (that day I spoke to SW who told me that was the case). My other one was not questioned and I did not hear from the police for a month. The solicitor firm representing me contacted the police who were not responding but finally told them they forwarded the case to the crown procecution for a review! When my solicitor told me that I was absolutely shocked especially as his voice indicated how much trouble I was in and as if he was hoping it woudl not happen. He could not comment as the allegations were not revealed so solicitor had no idea what would charges be.
Anyway SW did one home visit, as if he needed to see my other kids who stay with me. When in the house, I had my friend with me as a witness and I am happy I did as he came to bully me into admitting to have hit my kid and tell me how dare I do not admit. I think towards the end he understood I was stuck in a situation where 10 yr old's dad and his partner were brainwashing the kid as he was previously fighting the custody case and failed because kids expressed wish to stay with me. And I asked him what he (SW) wanted me to do but nothing I could was possible because my ex would not allow me to see the kid saying the kid does nto want to see me which is bullshit.
My mum went to see the child two weeks ago and she said the child is portraying me as a complete monster saying how much I shout in the house and how bad I am etc. She was told how well the kid is doing he they have him and how much calmer is etc. She was heartbroken for me.
Anyway. My oldest told me police came to the school to ask few questions, my solicitor suggests this was possibly because they need further evidence.
I have no idea what is happening, what will happen and what the outcome will be other than i feel that I have lost my kid! Every time SW is trying to make a contact for me and the 10 yr old, kid's dad sais kid does not want to see me. My oldest sais they aren't even asking the child, just saying they spoke to SW and told him that the child does not want to see mum.
I asked SW to go to school and speak face to face and read body language. Then I rang eldest on the mobile when they were together and asked to give the phone to the child in question. I was surprised to hear that the child missed me and the voice of the child was very loving and caring. when i started saying the kid had to tell someone if wanted to see me and I would obviously fight to be reunited, the phone was taken by my ex who said the conversation was over as the kid started crying. Well obviously after not seeing mum for a month who wouldn't cry.
i do not know what to do, I don't want to stress the kid by following and making it awkward in case it is true that kid does not want to see me and am waiting for the 10 yr old to miss home and ask to be back but it is not happening as the longer it goes, the larger the gap between us. Of course I also feel very hurt and do not thing it is fair for me to go and beg the kid to come back after what I was put through.
It now has been two months since the incident! There was absolutely no contact between us other than the doctors, dentist's appointment when ex's partner took the kid and that short phone conversation.
Because the child is 10 yrs of age I feel I cannot force anything but I do not know how this hatred could have grown. there could be reasons such as birth of a new baby and other's which lead to lack of attention but the thing is I do not know what will happen and what to do. If I appoint a solicitor and the kid sais that does not want to see me, then it's a waste of time and money (which I do nothave). If I go to school, I was told by the SW school office would call the children services to allert a possible abduction unless child's dad consents to me going to school (this will NEVER happen btw and when SW asked if I could go to school to speak to the child, SW was told kid did not want to see me and didn't even ask the kid!).
I have spoken to the SW few days ago adn he wants to come to the house for a chatt next week. No idea what the chat will be about but I said ok. When he came first time he suggested me a parenting courses or sth where someone would come in the house to teach me how not to 'cross boundaries' or sth like that. I said to him I DO NOT smack or hit or use any other force on my kids because they are very good and they do not need it hence I do not require anyone in the house. During phone conversation he asked me again if I wanted someone to teach me to be a parent, I said no unless this would be a requirement expected by me but it would be a waste of resources. This is also due to kids saying I pulled their ears few years ago which I would have done as a last resourt if they were messing about and would have hurt themselves if left to continue but raising voice would not help. However, this would happen very rarely and now are way too old to be treated like that.
What confused me also was that SW once again strongly suggested me to get legal advice. He implies it is to do with contact enforcement but how things were developing I do not believe anyone anymore as things were coming out which were not known to me.
Please tell me your honest opinion what I should do. The oldest and youngest live with me and are happy etc. Is there a chance they can be taken away form me if say police decides to procecute or if I do not do this parenting course? I told him I would go and listen to some clsddrd if he wished but I have whole library at home on how to bring up the kids and I am a very good mum. I honestly cannot believe this is happening.
I do not know whether there's anythign I can do regarding the 10 yr old. Can I make him meet me? What if the child finds it stressful as he uses to be when durign custody case their dad used to follow us everywhere? I feel that all i need is to see the kid and to give a hug and all would be as it was as there was clear lack of attention and the kid felt left out due to me being so busy with the baby and so tired in evenings... and of course the propaganda against me in dad's home
Will this ever end and what can I do to help the situation?
Thank you very much in advance