my son has just been placed in temporary foster care

[ange301126]

Dear dvsurvivor,
It sounds like you have a massive problem with your son.

How will he be disciplined for what he did?How old is he? I am just an ordinary parent ,like you. Unlike you, I have not been in such a position and cannot advise you from experience. I can only guess,of course,but I have to wonder whether more robust corrective action is called for.These Triple P plans and so on, temporary foster-care etc are all very well but such behaviour is beyond all that,wouldn't you think?

Years ago, they had approved schools and borstals and places like that.These are history now; there was much wrong with that system,there were many excesses and those institutions could do more harm than good.The success rate wasn't so good and they were often just a half-way house on the road to prison and a life of crime .
Nowadays, however, is there some sort of secure boot-camp or place he could be sent to get rid of the aggression,somewhere where there would be hard work, assault courses, physical training,boxing,organised games of football and cricket,positive male role models, religious education and other moral- fibre training ,occupational therapy.The course to last for at least six months? A short , sharp shock!

What triggers off his rages?

You have parental responsibility for him right now and the decisions YOU take right now will affect the rest of his life! His whole future welfare, his human relations,marriage, children( your grandchildren) and position with child-protection authorities is in the balance. All that depends on his Mum! You are responsible for him , Thank heavens, you have the trust of the authorities and they seem to be working with you. I realise you have the support of the social workers but they don't always know all the answers and even if they do, they can't always supply it for financial reasons and the rest.Things could just go from bad to worse.Full-on confrontation now might be better than non- confrontation.Sometimes you have to be cruel-to-be- kind, as they say.

Why not look on the internet and see if other help is out there ( maybe in Snowdonia or the Lake District) then ask the Local Authority if they will finance it? They will, I am sure , be grateful for any suggestions at the moment and it could take ages for them to arrive at the same conclusions.Then it will be too late!.

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear dvsurvivor,

I am so sorry to hear that the rehabilitation home did not go as planned. This must have been very stressful for you and your family. I am glad that the social worker recognized how you managed the situation-so calmly and assertively.
What is the plan now? What support are they offering your son? You could discuss what happened with the independent reviewing officer. What other support needs to be put in place? What about contact with the family, first of all? How can the plan be improved?
Has your son got an advocate-so that his views can be taken about the support that he might need?
CoramVoice might be able to help.
Best wishes,
Suzie

[dvsurvivor]

Thank you all for your replies, I rely do appreciate it. Unfortunately my son was born into domestic violence and didn't have a good start on life. I did get away while he was still very little, but he sadly witnessed alot from a father that is very controlling and dominating. My son displays the same sort of behaviour.
I have daily phone contact and up to yesterday had other contact with him, but my son blew it by running away from me after he became verbaly abusive to me because I refused to give in to his demands for very exspensive items.
I know him being in care effects him for the rest of his life, but my other children and myself are at risk when he lives here with me.

[ange301126]

Dear dvsurvivor,

Witnessing dv at a young age will not have been good,we all realise that.You and his dad seperating isn't ideal either and we all know that.
Is the trigger factor the matter of expensive trainers,video games and the like? I guess that is a fairly common problem many parents face with children and perhaps other parents will come on with advice about it.

This sounds to me like normal teenage angst and rebellion multiplied by ten due to a difficult start in life and violent traits possibly inherited from his father.If it is then there is every chance in two or three years time, he can be a changed person with a great future ahead of him.

I suggest he needs some really firm parenting now though to stop his behaviour which is criminal, let's face it and if it carries on he will end up in gaol.The next few months will be vital.Between now and the LAC review meeting,you will have a chance to come up with ideas and make suggestions so use the time well and follow Suzie's advice.Also think about what I said about boot-camp or something similar.
An advocate for him might help him express his feelings like Suzie suggests but I think he needs strong directions and a stiff,stiff warning at this time rather than protracted investigation and endless assessments. By all means,let him have his say but major reform is absolutely necessary.

I hope this helps.

[charmed1]

Ok I wake up every morning and make a decision to do one thing that day that I can then know the day wasn't wasted. Today that is to suggest dvsurvivor makes an appointment with a therapist for her son who practices EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing). It works I know it's changed me. They also have techniques for children/young people as well.

I'll explain if I may. Firstly I grew up in a home with dv. My father was extremely aggressive and angry. I supressed memories and became just like him. It took years and years of anti depressants, counselling, you name it. I lost my children because I couldn't manage my emotions.

It is a type of trauma therapy, originally used to help combat soldiers returning from war. Post traumatic stress disorder it was commonly known. It is a therapy that under control you remember the event, you process the event so eventually you are no longer disturbed by the memory. Then it stops affecting you either consciously or subconsciously.

I do not agree that boot camp or the like is going to make it better for him. It's not his fault and the treatment shouldn't be a punishment.

Some think it's quack and many professionals to do not accept it but I'm living proof it works. Now to get my children home.

[dvsurvivor]

Hi I shall certainly look into that EMDR. It sounds good, and is worth me looking into. I have other children alot older than him that were not born into domestic violence and I did not have any of the problems like I have with this son.

[ange301126]

Dear dvsurvivor,
I am glad this forum is some help to you.The EDMR treatment sounds great and I hope charmed will be able to provide a link for us to where it is available in the UK and tell us how to access it.Traumatic stress is a major problem which so regularly goes unrecognised.Soldiers and civilians suffer from it and when they turn to alcohol,drugs or violent reactions as a way of relieving the stresses,sw's will often treat them as criminal drunks and dopeheads.

I have never heard of EDMR treatment before and I may be wrong, but I doubt if the sw's or the IRO will have either. I suggest that you take a maieutic approach( the sw's are working with you rather than ignoring you which is good).

Firstly see your son's GP about it and ask for his view on EDMR.
If he recognises that EDMR is a bona fide therapy , ask him to refer your son to a practitioner.
The L.A. will be more likely to finance it if the GP is on board.You don't push for it with the sw's initially. If the GP recommends it, they will be more likely to arrange for it ( they will present it to the manager as their own idea).

So act quickly ! If the GP will not go for it then you must at least convince him that the root problem is one of traumatic stress and he may prescribe some other therapy (perhaps counselling or a mild sedative).Emphasise that the other children are okay; they did not see the dv, only he is affected.

Don't forget, you must do it all yourself because sometimes social workers are very busy and tend to leave action until it is too late! Official procedures and red-tape delay things. You could also mention a ' 'holiday' ,of the type I have described' to the GP aswell. Don't forget to tell him about the expensive tastes your son has and other trigger factors which may have some significance to a diagnosis.

If Charmed can connect you with a practititioner,you can, of course, contact him or her straight away.They will be able to give you info and advice of how to arrange the treatment.

Good luck.

[charmed1]

I'm pleased that my post has offered a possible solution. EMDR was first suggested to my husband by the child psychologist who assessed us during proceedings. My husband had 10 sessions and I saw the difference in him after he'd completed the therapy.

If you search for psychotherapists in your area and sub search EMDR they will show those in your area which practice it. We had to pay privately and it was £50 an hour which was money well spent and will probably be cheaper where you live plus it's for a child. Your son would have an initial assessment as it may transpire that EMDR is not suitable for him. This first appointment would be cheaper. Yes if your GP agreed so much the better but it seems like ange says many do not know about the therapy let alone recommend it. Though I as I said at the beginning it was recommended by a psychologist for my husband.

Good luck and if I can be of anymore help please feel free to pm me as not knowing area you live I can't help more at this moment.

[dvsurvivor]

Hi and thank you all for replying so quickly to my concerns. It is most helpful. My son has been referd to CAMHS a few times over the last few years and has been referd again
The problem is that he won't engage, and when he was suppose to have some sort of phscotherapy he would run and hide in the cupboard when asked about his past.

[charmed1]

All I can add is that with EMDR they do what they call "resource building" first before they explore the person's past. They would never dive straight in. A new more gentle approach might just be what your son needs. It needs to be sorted or he will only get worse. Running away and hiding won't change anything for him.