How to help

[Dmtam]

Hi I am a single mum to 5 children 2 teenagers and 3 smaller ones
Recently divorced and the other day during a visit with cahms eldest age 15 yrs he told them he's glad his dad went as used to kick him and hit him, I knew nothing of this married 15 yrs and feel sick not knowing, I asked others last night as the older ones confirmed it
They no longer see there dad only half hour a weekend here at the house and I'm
Here, he used to emotionally abuse me and be controlling but I knew no different met at 16 was only now he's gone beginning to see it
I've got meeting at cahms next week , the keyworker we had was closed due to lack of funding 4 months ago they told me sw would be in touch to support but like normal never bothered
Now this latest and I don't know how I feel? Ive not told there dad what was said as I don't want him to blame kids, cahms said will do some trauma work? Anybody know what that is?
I've not told the schools or anybody as don't know what to do now
Still can't get my head round it all

[TKH]

I have six kids and only found out that my husband would hit and kick and punch my eldest son and daughter when we were involved in care proceedings.I never saw this or any evidence of it ,he was arrested for battery once on my daughter who has asbergers but I was there that day and he used as little force as possible to restrain her( I actually felt sorry for him)that time. He changed from being patient and doting with each of the kids as they got yo about 10 years old.I met him when I was 14 and he was violent, controlling and yet when ss first got involved they believed everything he said and offered him the kids!-just as he had always predicted. Now he has limited contact and everyone is much happier.He used to come to our home everyday even though he moved out 5 years earlier!

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear Dmtam ,
I am sorry that you have had such a difficult time due to your husband’s behaviour. You are lucky that you have been strong enough to move on and are in a better position now to deal with the information about the physical abuse that your son has disclosed. However, you may still yourself need help and support to deal with these issues. You could contact Women’s Aid here.
Womens Aid

They will be able to guide you through the support that may be available in your area and they also have a 24 hour helpline.

You could speak to the young minds helpline for information about what “trauma work” may mean.
youngminds

CAMHS have also made a referral to children’s services for help in the past. This is where the social worker can come in and assess what support you and your family may need. There is currently a strict time table to follow with an initial assessment document due within 10 working days of them receiving the referral from CAHMS.
As there is delay in a response from CS-was it 4 months ago that they made the referral?-you could email the social worker to find out what is happening or ask the worker at CAMHs to chase the SW .
You have a meeting with CAHMS next week. Given the information your son disclosed to them, it is likely that CAMHS will want to make a further referral to CS. They should discuss any referral with you and CS are likely to start an initial assessment. As the physical abuse it a possible crime CS should make a decision whether to report it to the police, or not.
If CS do an initial assessment-then it is a normal part of the assessment process to ask for your consent (If Child protection they do not necessarily need your consent) to speak to the school (as well as other services such as health, police and your other children’s schools). If not, you could discuss with CAMHS and your son whether the school should need to be informed. Your son may not want this and want to deal with it within the CAMHS environment. Here are advice sheets about family support services and the child protection.

family support services
childprotection

Please post back at any time.
Best wishes,

Suzie

[Dmtam]

Hi thanks I'm at cahms 2pm dreading it if honest, I just feel so bad I never protected my sons,
All my past has come back out which I buried away ( was abused at 14 but never really understood by a neighbour touching up) just feel if hadn't had been so weak then when 16 and met my ex I wouldn't have been so stupid to marry him and put up with the emotional stuff he did to me, I was stupid can see that now but at the time couldn't , he told me protecting me then i was depressed after losing our only daughter (nnd) if I said anything I'd be to blame boys be taken away as so I hid everything as the children are my life couldn't risk it.
That's what worries me now , I've not stopped crying can't sleep but scared to go gp incase lose the children.
Ex doesn't know anything he disowned his mum and brother , he did his dad when he was 16 and never even went funeral, I feel so bad for his mum we kept in touch and it's destroying her , he tells ppl not got a mum as dead , the children do love him I can see that but fear he will disown them making them feel worse.
I just don't know what to do my heads a mess with it all
Sorry

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Dear Dmtam,

I can see that things are very difficult for you at the moment. However, you were not aware that your husband had physically abused your son and that is not your fault. Often a perpetrator can also be very manipulating and your ex may have done this in your sons case-to make him keep quiet. Your son has been very strong (he may feel safer) to now disclose what has happened to him. Your ex does not see your children alone You are looking after your sons needs by taking him to cahms and supporting him by trying to find services that can be of help.

But given how you are felling you should urgently consider what help you may need as well. You have been through a very stressful time with your ex and finding out about the abuse your son had suffered. I don’t think anyone would be surprised that you are upset about what has happened.

I think you need to look after your own health to be able to look after your children’s health as well. It would be a responsible thing to do to seek help from your GP. He or she could refer you for counselling or some other support. Your GP has a duty of care to you as well as your children. NHS direct can also advise you about accessing support in your area if you feel in a crisis on 0845 4647. Or this afternoon you could talk to camhs about how upset you are feeling.

Here is minds website-they offer services such as counselling in some areas
mind

I have mentioned women’s aid before-on their website there is a list of support services for women who have been in abusive situations.

Please post back if you want to or call our advice line on 0808 801 0366.
Best wishes,
Suzie

[Dmtam]

Cahms have said wants to stop all contact , she said wants a family meeting as will be hard with my mum and dad, also said sw will be informed and it may get nasty
Feeling scared now next apt isn't till Jan 20th
I don't know what eldest told them as he wasn't always a bad dad, I know no excuse he moved out as couldn't cope with the children , it's going to break 2 middle ones hearts as they get on with him and love him so much
They told me the aspergers and ADHD the children have is due to trauma from it all, as children deal with trauma different from us so don't get down or upset
Feel terrible I've let everybody down

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Hi Dmtam,

This is a lot for you to cope with and, as my colleague said in the last post, you should also try to get help for yourself. Although it is easy to feel that you’ve let everyone down, you didn’t know that the abuse was going on and it is easy for perpetrators to manipulate these situations.

However now that you know something has happened, you do need to take steps to protect the children, for example making sure that either there is no contact or that it is supervised – you can get guidance from CAMHS and the social worker (SW) about what they think is best and follow their advice. Who said contact should stop? Everyone needs to weigh up the effects of the children not seeing their dad – like you said the younger ones will find this hard to cope with – with the risk posed to them. It could be that supervised contact is a good middle ground. If you do suggest supervised contact, I think it would be best if it is in a contact centre where someone other than you can supervise it. Children pick up on all the feelings adults have in these situations and it can have a bad effect on them and it is stressful for you. You can get more information about contact centres on the NACCC website.

I don’t think it was particularly helpful of CAMHS to tell you that if Children’s Services (CS), the new name for social services, get involved “it may get nasty.” All that has done is make you feel worried. CS are there to protect the children and it might involve going over what has happened in your past, so will be difficult for you but the SW is not there to be nasty to you or intimidate you and ultimately you all want what is best for the children. Do not approach working with the SW with this point of view. Be open and honest and work with him or her as best you can as this is the best way to achieve an outcome that you are all happy with. Also have a look at the advice sheets in our earlier post about family support and child protection so you understand the process that will be going on.

If you have any more questions or concerns, please get back in touch.

Best wishes

Suzie

[Dmtam]

Hi thanks sorry not replied things been bit mad here, ds1 went to school and told the mentor he lied not about everything but about his dad beating me and being so rough
I could have screamed what he's done, school have been great have recorded it all down and said will contact cahms, I rung cahms and the man who sees my other son ( 2 see different ppl at cahms) said the woman seeing first son is barking up the wrong tree and would do more harm than good ESP for ds2 and ds3
The woman is due to leave next week so the man seeing ds2 said he will stop cs report and jointly take over care of the while family
Next apt is Jan 20th but he said will ring me up next week , he also said she shouldn't have said boys problems are due to it as asd and ADHD ESP in our case is more genetic
Talk about being messed about so got no idea what's happening I'm taking one day at a time if cs turn up I'l put them onto school and ds2's cahms worker
Ex doesn't see them alone anyway as comes here so think I'l wait till Jan apt and go from there
I've tried explaining to ds1 can't lie about these things but he doesn't grasp done wrong (he's asd and ADHD mental age 7/8 when he's 15 in Jan)
thanks I'l update when know more

[TKH]

My 15 yearold girl has caused no end of problems with cs as says things they take out of context. Once its down on paper its so hard to change anyones mind. Professionals involved for a long time get the measure of her very well and then we work together but everytime theres a change we are back to big dramas and misunderstandings

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

It sounds like you are getting different advice from different workers which is very confusing! I would get either worker or better -their manager to confirm the position with you. (You could also ask for it in writing) You are entitled to know whether this referral has taken place. (only in certain exceptional circumstances are parents NOT told about any referral to children’s services.)
Sometimes children do make allegations but then withdraw them. Because of this, it is quite possible that children’s services would still want to carry out an initial assessment to make sure. If they do, you could ask that when they interview your sons –the social worker doing it is knowledgeable about autism and ADHD or seeks appropriate advice from an expert.

Look at the advice sheets 4 on Family support services and 9 child protection. They set out what happens during an initial assessment.
advice sheets

Good luck and please come back and post again.
Best wishes,
Suzie