been asking for help for years with no luck

[4plus2]

im married, have four children 2girls aged 20 and 16 and two boys aged 12 and 9, i also have a 18 yr old stepson.
from the DAY my eldest son was born i could tell there was just something different about him, the way he fed, the way he slept or should i say didnt sleep and as time went on, the way he developed, was fobbed off with such insulting coments as "hes a boy, you are used to girls so should expect him to be different" or " you are being over protective and looking for problems due to you losing a son to miscarriage before"
first i want to say that i am a fully qualified nanny, have worked with several families as well as working in a private school for a few years before i had my own children, i also come from a very large extended family and have been around children and babies since i myself was born, all of which means that although i am no childcare expert, neither am i totally ignorant of the fact that ALL children are different and therefore i was not expecting my son to be the same as either of my daughters, who were also totally different to each other in most ways.
my son reached all his milestones very early, i was told off by a health visitor for making him walk too soon, am sure you all know that forcing a baby of 7 months to walk is not really possible as they all walk when they are ready, early crawling, walking, talking, climbing etc were all things that made me know there was deffinately something different, that and the fact that he needed very little sleep, he would sleep an hour or two then be awake and active for the rest of the night and very rarely took naps, needing stimulation the whole time he was awake.
it was when he began attending nursery that anyone other that myself and my husband noticed anything about his behaviour, i often had to go pick him up early as they couldnt manage his behaviour and could get him to engage only on his terms. as he grew older i asked my hv to refer us to someone who might help as things were getting more difficult the older he got, no joy, i asked the gp, was told he had to be refered by school, asked school and was told his behaviour was down to me letting him get away with bad behaviour etc, by this time i was totally run down trying to be a good parent to my girls and find time for them while stopping my son from attacking anyone and demolishing anything he could and this comment from the headteacher almost broke me as i realised that this is what was thought of me!
i asked social services for help several times without any luck, the headteacher even said at one point that my son had so many bruises from climbing etc that she was going to contact them and ask them tocheck him out, because i said that was fine and that i wanted their help she decided to get sure start involved instead, by then he was out of their age range and so there was no help there either.
so, my son was 7 before school approached ME asking could they refer my son for testing for adhd etc! finally we were getting somewhere! so for the last 5 years my son has been on adhd meds which have helped him a great deal at school, i even had an appology from his headteacher and she worked with us to help him in school in every way they could.
the problem was and still is that for 12 years i have followed my son around, breaking up fights, defending him from other angry parents, paying for the damage he has caused, eventually all my friends grew away from me as we never got a chance to chat etc and it got so i was unable to visit anyone as he wrecked their homes and caused chaos, i managed for a very long time but now he attends secondary school and is wanting to be out and about like all the other children his age and i cant watch him all the time now, am worried that he will get into serious trouble asked at camhs about counselling to help him at least manage his temper and was told that because i have prevented him from getting into trouble with the police, he wasnt entitled to help in that way , although if he had been in trouble he would have been forced to have councelling!
because we rent a council property and he has damaged so much of it, smashing doors, digging holes in walls, making holes in ceilings etc, we just cant keep up with the repairs ourselves, this meant that when we had a new boiler, the workmen reported us for wrecking the house and now we have inspections by the council every two weeks and our children have all been put on the at risk register due to our neglect, we havent kept him from doing this, ehich means we basically took our eyes off him at times long enough for him to do this damage and should have been more on top of him.
now we have a huge bill from the council for repairs and cs on our case to improve our parenting skills etc, which is driving me mad as i have been begging for help with him for many years before it came to this. even with child services involved he has had no more help from camhs or anywhere else, workers change so often that he has no trust in them so wont talk to or cooperate with themany longer as he takes a long time to get used to people, its difficult to really talk to these people anyway as we just get used to one worker when they leave or move us to someone else so am finding it hard to see how they can do us any good? i just get told that i shouldnt allow him to take i knife from the top of the kitchen cupboard and stab it into the door for eg, how can anyone imagine i would ALLOW that? he can climb up and grab the knives so quickly i only have to turn my back for a few seconds and he has got it, of course i remove it from him every time abd have been cut several times doing this, but it seemms thats not good enough for them, im only human and after 12 years its getting more difficult to second guess his next move. i am also disabled myself and cannot get around too well so he knows if i send him upstairs he can be out the window and gone before i get uo there on the stairlift. have had to split the boys up at bedtime as the eldest was keeping the 9 year old awake all night, hurting him or just scaring him.
life seems to have gotten much worse now as we find ourselves worrying about the children being taken away if we cant keep the youngest safe from his brother and the house is falling to pieces as we spend all our time trying to watch and be one step ahead of the 12 year old. we honestly thought cs would help but they are making our lives miserable on top of everything else.
sorry, have gone on so much but its just flowing out of me with the tears now, hope this makes sense

[ange301126]

dear 4+2, It sounds to me like your son should have been assessed by an educational psychologist and referred to a SPECIAL NEEDS NURSERY AND SCHOOL YEARS AGO BEFORE HE WAS 4 YEARS OF AGE . Despite all your requests for help you were ignored and nothing was done .This is not uncommon because the system particularly Children's Services is sadly lacking resources in several areas making them somewhat unfit for purpose.
For a start , they keep woeful computer records if any at all and will probably have no record of your requests for help in the past. Although they may not have even investigated at the time they may claim to have done so and to have found no problem. Basically your voice was not heard; no doubt overworked social workers have a tendency to bend the truth when ticking impersonal computer boxes especially when they have not had time to do things.
I suggest you put together a written record of all your efforts to obtain specialist help.In the meantime keep in touch with suzie on this forum and hope that a parent who has faced similar problems as you contacts you. Perhaps also you could contact the appropriate special needs organisation who can advise you. In my case it was the Autistic Society and other parents can be a help.

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Hello 4plus2

Welcome to the discussion boards and thank you for your post. It all made perfect sense.

I am sorry to hear about the difficult situation that you are dealing with. It sounds as though you have battled hard for a long time to try to get the right support in place for your son.

You mention that your children are on the “at risk register”. I am assuming that you mean there are child protection plans in place. Does this include your 16yr old daughter or is it just the boys? How long have the plans been in place? Is there a review conference coming up any time soon?

The child protection plans should contain realistic strategies and specific actions to keep the children safe and ensure they are well cared for. This should not only be expectations placed on you as parents but also actions that are expected of professionals such as referrals to relevant agencies etc.

Have Children’s Services have ever suggested any specific work, such as a family support worker or family therapy, to assist you and your family with the difficulties you are experiencing? Is there anything specific that you feel would help the situation that is not currently being offered?

Given the complexity of your son’s behaviour and needs and the impact this has on the whole family, have you ever asked for respite? Does this feel like a possibility that would help you?

I wonder if you have any wider family support and whether a Family Group Conference may be helpful for you?

Have you considered what you would do if it reached the point where you felt your oldest son was beyond your control and putting himself and/ or his brother at risk? Would it feel possible to ask for him to be accommodated by Children’s Services until the situation could be improved? What do you feel would prevent things from reaching this point?

I realise that I am asking you lots of questions 4plus2 and that some of them may be very difficult to answer. I am just trying to work out the best way that I can help and advise you at the moment.

Do come back and tell us a bit more about your situation if you feel able to and ask any specific questions that you may have. If you prefer, you are welcome to call our free and confidential adviceline 0808 8010366, which is open from 9.30am- 3.30pm, Monday- Friday.

In the meantime, you might want to have a look at our advice sheets about child protection procedures and support for disabled parents.

Take care 4plus2

Best Wishes

Suzie
FRG Adviser

[4plus2]

my 16 year old daughter is included in the protection plan.
the main problem is that as i have become less able to do anything physical and things at home havent changed with me, the house has become a mess, my husband is not much help as i have in the past done everything needed for the children and the home, obviuosly i have asked him and the children for help but this has not happened for various reasons, after 12 years of coping (NOT) i asked again for help and got someone to come look at the mess, thinking that now my husband would finally realise how bad things were and we would get some outside help for my son, instead my husband thinks its ok to carry on regardless until the day before any visit when we have to dash around tidying up! then either the sw, the council inspector or some other "helpful person" comes along and makes ME feel like ****,comments such as "YOU need to tidy up" and " this needs fixing/cleaning/clearing" dont actually help, especially when its not the fact that i cant be bothered or dont care about the mess, its the fact that i cant physically do all these things, i cannot even dress myself some days let alone search the house for dirty washing, it seems that everyone has something to say but there is not a lot of actual help, we have domicilliary service come in twice a week in theory, in fact we are lucky if the get here once a month, the first time they came they helped my husband tidy the living room, total blitz the way i used to have to do it, then they report that it isnt being maintained, of course not coz my husband can go out every day and the children are at school which leaves me sitting looking at everything they have made a mess with, toys, washing, pots, rubbish along with any damage done by my son and although i can do some bits, it takes me so long and i have to rest for so long between and after that nothing i do makes any difference to how it looks, so they come in and decide im a lazy mum who cares nothing for my childrens emotional health, as, if i did care, the house would be fit for them to bring friends home! basically this is why they are on the plan, because they cant have friends home so we are neglecting our children, no matter that they are always clean, well fed with real food, they dont have all the latest designer gear but always have clothes that fit and are clean etc, its been a cause of surprise to sw that my children speak well, are very bright, are allowed their opinion as to their clothes, what they eat etc, are mainly well mannerede but unafraid to say what they think, frank honesty wasnt expected it seems, my eldest daughter is level 3 childcare qualified, my 16 yr old daughter is doing well at school and is perdicted As or Bs on her gcse exams this year, with the help his school is now providing to my 12 year old ad hd son he is getting much better grades eg with someone to read the questions and to record his answers he managed to get 92% in his latest history exam coming second to the top in his year. my younger son is also doing well in most of his subjects so surely i must be doing something right? i have such a close relationship with my guys thst my eldest daughter came to me at 16 and asked me to help her with contraception and asked my permission to have sex with her boyfriend, my younger daughter has also come to me for advice on personal issues, my eldest son has come to me to ask about growing up etc and both boys understand about periods and how they could affect girls and how they could help out, surely if i were neglecting my children they would know nothing? the girls could be pregnant by now and the boys ignorant louts? the only neglect that is happening is to the house but im made to feel im a failure in all areas, i admit i have "carried" my family, to the extent that they dont help much around the house, and that is now a problem, looking after the children and keeping my son safe and out of trouble have been my priority and both the house and my health have suffered but to have everyone know or think that my children are suffering from neglect, my house is a tip and that i dont care or try to change things is killing me, even though its meant to be all confidential it seems my neighbours have somehow found out everything (through school im sure) and my children and i are having to deal with the opinion of everyone who decides to voice one, regardless of actual facts they spread lies and gossip around our home and we are all suffering because of it. i really thought that when we finally got "help" that things would get better, am now wishing i had just kept quiet and lived with it all. i suffered depression before due to my health and my son and people judging me, now im on double the antidepressants, have ten times the worries, no friends left, the judgment of people who dont even know me but whose opinion is deemed as the truth by anyone that matters and no matter what i say im presumed to be lying.
this "help" has made our lives so much more difficult and nothing has changed for the better, my son still needs help dealing with his anger and impulsiveness and im not sleeping which doesnt help, how can i sleep with so much going round in my head? its tearing our family appart

[ange301126]

dear 4+2,
contact the education department and ask for a special needs assessment and statement for your son and contact the appropriate special needs parents group as I advised before. These groups can help you with all your problems if you ask. I know you have been asking for years but someone might respond eventually.

[4plus2]

school is organising an assessment with a view to a statement for him, not sure how long this will take but its a start. i did ask about a statement a few years ago but they said he didnt nee one, when i asked what difference it woul make they couldnt/wouldnt tell me, now it seems it could have meant a huge difference and things may not have reache this stage, am hoping now that things will move on for all our sakes. will get back with any news and thanks for listening x