Please give me advice for my child who lives with her dad.

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Posts: 18
Joined: Tue Jan 23, 2018 2:50 pm

Please give me advice for my child who lives with her dad.

Post by k1212 » Tue Mar 20, 2018 1:46 pm

Im looking for advice as i would like an honest opinion on what i can do or just to know if others think i am over reacting or if i should be concerned.
My daughter lives with her dad, she is 6 and a half, she has lived with her dad since 2013. I have my daughter every other saturday and every other sunday unsupervised, i have asked for overnights many times but my ex always says we will arrange it 'soon' i tread on eggshells with his as if we argue he will stop her coming to me for a weekend or two, sometimes longer depending on what we argued about. He likes me to have minimal contact with her school but i go to her plays and parents evenings and get emailed letters weekly and school reports and get on well with her headteacher, we have spoken many times and she has told me that the only person that lets our daughter down is my ex, he does not bring in her pe kit when required, her homework is never completed and her school reports say this for year 1 and 2, also in year 1 her attendance was very poor as it was noted she was always being late for school. He has not let me attend a sports day yet as he didnt want me to be there at the same time as him and normally he doesnt go to her plays and her teacher has told me he doesnt attend parents evenings either, there has also been a time where she has not been brought into school in non uniform. I last took him to court for a child arrangement order in 2016 which ended in march 2017. At the time i took him to court i was seeing my daughter every other saturday all day unsupervised and we had argued because i wanted any other day with my daughter and he wouldnt agree but he wanted more money from me so i said if he agreed another day then i would give him more money but he said no so i said i wouldnt give him extra so he stopped me from seeing her. After 2 weeks of not seeing her i applied for mediation which he didnt attend and went to court, in court he accused me of emotionally abusing her and saying that was hos reason for stopping contact. Cafcass and social services did reports, both reports said that she is at risk of emotion harm from HIM not ME as he does not support her having a relationship with her mother and this is not good for her to have to grow up with and that he should encourage the relationship and put aside his feelings of anger and hate for me. Also when asked to explain his accusations and give examples of me emotionally abusing our daughter he could not give any examples and it clearly states that in the report. The social worker recomended it that i have unsupervised every other saturday 10-5 to increase to overnights, the social worker did not attend the final hearing and i did not have a solicitor but my ex did so his solicitor recomended that i should slowly move out of a contact centre first and then do the social workers recomendation. The whole time i was being investigated for emotional abuse i had to see my daughter in a contact centre twice a month an hours drive from me for 2 hours, 4 times he failed to bring her to the contact centre with no notice and staff made reports that he would not answer the phone or communicate with staff. They stated they felt me and my daughter should not be there and that we were using a space for a family that needed supervision. So from March 2017 to now we have had no involvement from social services or solicitors but we have communicated between ourselves with a lot of difficulty and have moved from contact centre to unsupervised for 4 hours every other saturday and have now just moved to every other sunday aswell starting next weekend but he wont discuss overnights he always says soon. My daughter has a bedroom at my house that she loves ad always asks to stay over. During the court process i agreed to sign a prohibited steps order to say that i wouldnt have my partner around my daughter which was not court ordered i consented to it as at the time i just wanted to see my daughter on my own, also in 2016 there was 2 times police were called because we argued, but at that time i hadnt seen my daughter for 9 months because my ex delayed court and the contact centre starting, so for 9 months i didnt see my daughter and it drove me crazy and we were aruing a lot because i was very depressed and i had also suffered a miscarriage. So now the prohibited steps order is still in place and i would like to get that removed as me and might partner have been talking about marriage and every time my daughter comes over he leaves the house and i would love for us to be able to do things together we have been together four years now and we are a very strong relationship now. So basically i would like some advice,
-i have been having problems arguing with my ex as i want more time and he says no.
-I have found weed in his house twice and yesterday i found a lunch box full of weed in his car.
-I think he picks my daughter up when he is stoned as 9/10 times he wears sunglasses and his eyes always look glazy.
-I think if i had more time with my daughter during the school week i would be able to make sure her homework is always completed and she is not late to school and that her uniform is always clean and tidy and she always has a clean pe kit in school.
-Her dad drinks quite a lot, when i have dropped my daughter back 2 times he has been drinking wine and went to the shop for me wine.
-My daughter says her dad gets drunk a lot.
-His home is very bare and she says she is always hungry and her dads house.
-My daughter has had wierd bite marks on her for around 3-4 months now and she has picked them and now she has scars,he has lied to me repeatedly about what they and has told me it is impetigo which it is not, i think it may be bed bugs or flea bites, i have asked many times for him to book an appointment we can both attend with her gp and he refuses and says im getting too involved.
-He has been involved in a relationship with someone who has stalked him and she contacts me a lot and tells me she is waiting outside his house and i have told her many times if she doesnt leave i will call the police.
I really think at the moment i would be the better option for resident parent, i do not drink or take drugs or anti depressants, he is heavily on antidepressants also, i am a carer and he is unemployed, i think that he has a lot of problems at the moment which are stopping my daughter getting the best care and i really want to go back to court but im worried about my ex stopping contact again and making allegations against me but i really think my daughter would be safer and happier in my care, i dont like that she is around alcohol and drugs and not a stable environment her dad is very strict she has told me many times he smacks her and has told me himself that he smacks her but always tells me i do not know what she is like which i find unfair as im always asking for more time wth her. If o took it back to court what do you think my chances are of social services actually looking into this of it just being overlooked, i have called social services before because i found weed in his flat and he was drinking a lot and on daughters wall she wrote all over it, im so sorry daddy,im so sad daddy, and it was very upsetting, she also told me he makes her wee in a potty in her room and she is not aloud out when she is put to bed but social services never did anything about it and they said i waS Overreacting I OVERREACTING? i just really want an honest opinion, do you think i could get full time? 50/50? overnights or am i being silly? Thers a lot of other things that have happened but so much to remember,i do try and keep a diary.

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Suzie, FRG Adviser
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Joined: Mon Jul 04, 2011 2:57 pm

Re: Please give me advice for my child who lives with her dad.

Post by Suzie, FRG Adviser » Wed Mar 21, 2018 3:33 pm

Dear K1212,

Welcome back to the parents board.

You questions relate to primarily to private law children act proceedings which is not within Family Rights group remit.

You have raised issues of concern with children services. The head teacher, if she was worried about your daughter’s wellbeing can do this as well.

I can see that last time the case was in court, the social worker recommended that your daughter have overnight contact with you as long as your partner was not present. Can you pin dad down for a date when this could happen? If not, ask him to explain why.
What is the risk that your partner poses to your daughter? Is there any way that he could reduce any risk by attending courses?
Given you want the prohibited steps order removed, and you want more contact/ or residence of your daughter, it seems that it may be better to consider the mediation route again.
Rights of Women or the Bar Pro Bono Unit might be able to assist you with this decision.

Best wishes,


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