SS won't give me help

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Joined: Fri Nov 10, 2017 12:24 pm

SS won't give me help

Post by alexdiaz » Thu Nov 23, 2017 10:15 pm

Hi there, I called many organisation like Family Lives, Lucy Faithful Foundation, Nspcc, also went for a legal advice and all of them told me that my case is a SS concern. I called SS today and they say There is nothing they could do for me. Im confused what to do now.

She started cheating on me a year ago. Since then her behaviour went really wrong. She obviously loves our daughter a lot but she has been doing stuff she can't control.

My wife and my daughter went on holiday, during this time, 3 nights at least my wife was taking pictures of herself masturbating masturbating while she was sexting one of her sex affairs. All those nights my daughter was in the same room but sleep, the lights were on obviously.
Also found pictures of my daughter naked and semi naked (doing nothing wrong, playing in the bathroom, beach, things like that). I was very concern about this.
My daughter has practically daily access to my wife´s phone. I found her once watching a picture that my wife had taken previously in order to sent it to her first sex affair. in the picture she was touching herself half naked. My daughter was only complaining that her program was gone.
we had a terrible argument because my daughter always has access to her phone. in the mornings she watches youtube kids, etc, and she does know how to go to pictures if she wants.

She has been going counselling but she got much worse during this counselling.
Once she left her at 5am in front of the tv and a bowl of cereals, by the time I went downstairs I found my 4 years old daughter half sleep standing in front of the tv with the tv balancing in front of her. It could have been a terrible accident. My wife was going to the gym (I also found text flirting with the gym instructor). She left many times my daughter in front of the Tv with a bowl of cereals at 5.30am in order to go to the gym.
The recent incident was last week that she left the house saying she was seeing a friend for a couple of drinks. My daughter was sad on the door and my wife had to put her away from the door because she was missing the train. My daughter came to me with her finger red and crying really loudly. the door caught her finger. Later a friend of my told me that saw my wife drinking in the bar of a hotel with a guy. she came back home at 3.30am. Apparently it was only sex (she doesn't have drinking problems though)

I didn´t know how abnormal was this. I didn't know if I was exaggerating or I needed to take it more seriously in order to help my wife and protect my daughter. I told my story to many organisations to make sure I would do the right thing. Everyone suggested SS, but SS services said I needed to go to get legal advice instead.
I don't know what to do now.
please, I want some advice. I just want to do the best thing for everyone in the house but its getting very hard.

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Suzie, FRG Adviser
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Joined: Mon Jul 04, 2011 2:57 pm

Re: SS won't give me help

Post by Suzie, FRG Adviser » Wed Nov 29, 2017 2:03 pm

Dear Alexdiaz

Welcome to the Parents’ Discussion Board.

My name is Suzie, online adviser at Family Rights Group. I am sorry that you seem to have had difficulty accessing information regarding your situation.

In your post you are concerned about the fact that your wife has been cheating on you and you believe her behaviour is having an impact on your daughter because of things she might see on her mother’s phone.

You do not mention in your post that your daughter is exhibiting any inappropriate behaviour for her age and unless you are able to identify a problem as far as your daughter is concerned it is unlikely that children’s services will become involved because of your wife’s behaviour.

Our service provides advice when children’s services are actually involved with families which is not the case here.
Your wife loves her daughter and is behaving in a way she cannot control. Does she have any health conditions?

If you genuinely feel that your child is suffering harm, then you should put your concerns in writing to children’s services but you must understand that the state of your marriage is not their concern. Children’s services have a safeguarding role as far as children are concerned. They do not have a duty to deal with marital problems.

As you have been advised you need to seek legal advice if you are concerned about what to do regarding your marriage. Have you and your wife considered attending Relate? Also, if you believe your daughter is unsafe, you may need to consider whether you wish to take on her full time care.

I am sorry that we are not able to assist you further.

Best wishes


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Joined: Sat Apr 28, 2018 11:40 pm

Re: SS won't give me help

Post by Fly » Thu May 31, 2018 5:55 pm

SS have been involved in my Grandsons care since "dads" brother made an allegation about neglected and dirty conditions, nearly 2 years ago. They ended that case only to reopen another a month later, last January, after I tried to involve myself more by giving "mum" the only support she was getting, even though both boys are Autistic. The eldest ( 3yr old) fell and hurt his leg, was limping, the dad was due to take the 2 boys for the week but claimed his PR rights with SS even though he moved town wouldn't tell mum where get moved to or his new address. SS made him tell mum but now he has filed for full custody and is refusing to let mum have unsupervised visits and won't disclose the nursery etc. The eldest has had a no contact relationship with dad but DAD has triex to abduct the younger son twice before but mum did not tell SS about that and she has always been the main carer, about to be 4 yrs. He is non verbal, as both are.
Mum was given 5 pm video calls with the boys and 2 contact visits a week, which the dad chose but are not suitable, no meeting half way. I cannot see them as dad said we tried to ABDUCT the boys from a contact meeting in a museam but totally unsuitable place to meet SS was his next one last Saturday in a shopping Mal. Total rubbish and more for dad to get his court order. Dad is a controll addict and seriously out of order as he ended his contact at Christmas and chose to mess with the boys heads and mum's, laughing in her face.

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Suzie, FRG Adviser
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Joined: Mon Jul 04, 2011 2:57 pm

Re: SS won't give me help

Post by Suzie, FRG Adviser » Tue Jun 05, 2018 12:22 pm

Dear Fly

Thank you for your post. I will reply to your post here but if you are posting again please post on our Family and Friends Carers’ Board as you are a grandmother and other grandparents and relatives would be better able to support and advise you there.

I can see that you are worried about your grandsons, who have autism and who are currently living with their dad who is applying for a Child Arrangements Order for them to live with him. You and the children’s mum are very unhappy about this. In most cases, parents have to have mediation before the court becomes involved. Do you know if that is being set up?

If dad’s name is on the children’s birth certs then he has parental responsibility for them as does mum.

I hope that the children’s mum is getting legal advice about dad’s application and the current contact arrangements as well as her worries that dad is not sharing information with her about the children. It is a private law matter so not in our remit but she can get advice and information from Rights of Women or Child Law Advice or a family solicitor. You can also seek legal advice as a grandmother wanting contact with grandchildren.

However, as the boys have had social workers for almost two years their current social worker will be asked to write a section 7 report for the court making recommendations about who they should live with and have contact with. It sounds as if the children’s mum hasn’t got a great relationship with the social worker but she does need to be open and honest with them about the situation including incidents in the past such as what you describe as father’s attempts to “abduct” the younger child. Also if he is controlling of mum and the children this should be discussed with the social worker and covered in their assessment (and also raised when seeking legal advice as legal aid can be available where there is domestic violence). Here are some tips on working with a social worker
which might help as well as domestic violence resources .

You don’t say if children’s services are working with the family under a child in need plan or a child protection plan . It is important to find out which one. Mum can let the social worker know if and why she thinks the current contact arrangements are not suitable and see if they can help rearrange them.

I hope this is helpful. You or the children’s mum are welcome to post if you have further queries or call the Freephone helpline on 0808 8010366 Mon- Fri 9.30 – 3.00 if you would like to speak to an adviser.

With best wishes


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