I don't know what to do...

anne
Posts: 1
Joined: Wed Mar 08, 2017 4:08 pm

I don't know what to do...

Postby anne » Thu Mar 09, 2017 11:43 am

My 15 year old daughter is abusing myself and my family.

She hits me, throws things at me, steals, tells serious lies.

She has "tantrums" throws herself on the floor screaming and pulling her hair out (much like a toddler)

Last incident threw a tin of deodorant at my head so hard it split my head open.

She hurts her sister (strangles and hits her), hits her dad also.

Puts holes in the wall, damages furniture, could go on but you get the point.

She is also putting herself in very dangerous situations.

Recently she left the house at 2:30am, hung around the streets until she could get the bus at 6am to travel 30 miles to meet a 17 year old to have sex, someone she speaks to on the internet.

We also found out that she had been video calling various other people and had been naked in the calls.
Of course now we cannot allow her to use the internet at all, which is causing her to lash out even more.

Her behaviour over the years has been appalling.


She is struggling academically, has almost no friends, struggles maintaining meaningful relationships.

She saw a educational psychologist, whilst in year 4 at primary school who said she was very high on the autistic spectrum scale, we were referred to camhs , they assessed her...

Told she was not autistic or aspergers, she was two points from having a learning disability, told she had oppositional defiance disorder and that she was three years mentally behind her peers but none of this was official and then signed off.
Over the years we have been back and fourth with camhs trying to get her help and got nowhere. Now they are telling us they only deal with mental health and my daughter's problems are behavioural

Had numerous interaction with children's services, whom have also been no help at all.

Saw a pediatrician last year who recommended a educational psychologist, so we are now back at square one.

Of course there is more to the story...
Before I met my partner, his sister, who at 15 got herself pregnant and was scared to tell her parents, suddenly started flinching away from her boyfriend as they were being intimate, something she hadn't done before.
She then fabricated a story that her brother had touched her intimately in the past, they told the family who said no he couldn't have done that, she then changed her mind and said it was my partner, her other brother who had done it.

Fast forward a couple of years, this is being brought up as a possible reason for behavior very early on.
I completely understand this, as it happens.
We were hounded for many years, but I was always truthful and disclosed this information to daughters primary school when she started school as i believed we had nothing to hide and i also did this before my daughters behaviour was a problem too.
She started her menstrual cycle at 9, I told them, then had to attend a meeting where the headmaster told me are you sure its her period and not something else (implying she was being abused and that I didn't know the difference).

Over the years it has been a long battle, mainly with the school always implying things and just accepting my daughter's version of events, whilst proven that some things were not the case.

The secondary school she is at now are great and I feel that they understand the struggles we are having.
I have a great relationship with the learning mentor, who understands my daughter and really tries to help her and us as a family but without any official diagnosis we are in limbo as the school are limited to the extra support they can offer.

My daughter has had work done with her with youth support services around being exploited, lots of intensive work but still continues to put herself in danger. Myself and dad also talk to her in great depth very regularly about it.
She has done work with family support, myself included (parenting lessons)
She has a state social worker but also a private one employed independently by her school who works with her.

As a result of all the stress and judging looks by the neighbors etc I have stopped going out, I can't leave the house, it terrifies me.
I have been like this for a year.
I did go to the school after my daughter was suspended from school for bringing in a knife , she says to protect her from the bullies. We had a scare also with suspected meningitis, I took daughter to hospital.
Now children's services are saying I am a danger to the girls as I can't react to an emergency.

So now I am and only one daughter are being referred to the nspcc smiles programme, which is for skills for children with parents who have mental health problems.
I feel so angry, as my problems are the result of all that has been happening, I've dealt with a lot of numerous years and am now at the end of my tether.
I feel like now that they have stopped blaming issues on my partner they are now looking at me to blame.
I have been told if I don't do it, my children will go on a child protection plan.

What really gets me is the fact they are not addressing all the aggression and conflict.

This time around with children's services, they asked me what i wanted.
I asked if my daughter could do some sort of anger management and maybe get some sort of respite every once in awhile, so we can have a breather as we are constantly on edge, we have to lock away knifes, hide money, watch what and how we say things.
All we got was visits once in awhile asking how things were, one child in need meeting, going over the same things but never any actions taken.
They were about to close until she split my head open and ran off.
Now as the victim, I am the one being now blamed, i just don't get it.
My daughter is also a victim, i know. I think she has been badly let down by the system which i said to the social worker but we as a family have also been let down.
Now in a report I got back, they are also saying she has nothing wrong with her academically, as she is meeting all expectations but has been told she has a learning disability since a young age and is basically playing up to those features.
They have totally ignored all the other reports we have had in the past, be it officially recognised or not.

I fear for my daughter's future, I can see the path she is heading down, it terrifies me, it upsets me, it is not how you want to see you children go

I fear for my families safety
.
My youngest daughter is afraid of her big sister.

I just don't know what to do anymore.

I'm tired...

User avatar
Suzie, FRG Adviser
Posts: 1720
Joined: Mon Jul 04, 2011 2:57 pm

Re: I don't know what to do...

Postby Suzie, FRG Adviser » Fri Mar 10, 2017 4:34 pm

Dear Anne,

Welcome to the parents forum.

It sound like you have had an extremely difficult time with your 15 year old daughter. No wonder you are feeling so tired.

However, it seems that, over the years, you have done everything you can to help your daughter with her difficulties.

You are seen as a protective parent against a possible risk of sexual abuse; you have pursued assessments from CAHMs and via the school; you work with the support that has been provided to your daughter from the school and children services.

More recently, you are concerned that your daughter is being sexually exploited so you have sought support for your daughter and she now has a support worker to help her.
I don’t know what more you could have done. Your daughter is getting a lot of support, thanks to you.

However, it seems like the stress of managing everything, along with a lack of respite for you, might understandably have impacted on your health. As you will know, 1 in 4 people might suffer a mental health problem at any one time. This could be what is happening to you.
You say that you can no longer leave your family home and children services are saying that because of this, you can’t protect your daughters, if there was an emergency.

What support have you tried to get for yourself? Have you spoken to your GP about treatment and therapeutic support to manage your stress? But also so you can talk through what has happened with your daughter. So a counsellor might be really helpful.


Contact Mind about the type of treatment that might be available for you.


Young minds have useful tips for parents about looking after yourself when dealing with a child with mental ill health or difficult behaviour.

I think you should you make the most of the referral to NSPCC’s Smile.
You say you feel blamed. I do not think you are being blamed at all, for your daughter’s difficulties, by being referred here.
Instead see it as recognition that they want to support you and your daughter,to carry on caring for your children.

Here is PACE -who advice parents about sexual exploitation.
I hope this advice helps but please post back if you need further advice.

Best wishes,

Suzie


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