New user - case conference

[David Roth]

Sasha, I suggested earlier that it could be really important for you to be involved in the contact, and this just emphasises why it is so important. You will be able to help your daughter learn what her tasks as mother of a young baby are, and try to make sure she doesn't misinterpret things like the baby crying. She will probably accept this from you more easily than from anybody else, and the 'contact supervisor' probably won't step in to help her out at all, they will just watch and take notes.

The social worker might feel that they want to observe your daughter on her own with the baby, to see how she copes. However, part of the assessment should also be to see whether your daughter has the capacity to learn about childcare if you are giving her advice. After all, if the baby goes back to her you are still going to be there to support her. Yes there will be times when she has to look after the baby on her own, so perhaps they should watch her on her own with the baby after she has had the chance to pick up some childcare advice from you, to see if she can learn the required skills.

You are right that contact need not be restricted to people who are parties to proceedings. You should request to the social worker (as politely and non-confrontationally as possible) that you are included in contact from now on, since if this is agreed then it saves having to take the issue back to court. However, your daughter's solicitor seems to be onto the issue, so if it can't be agreed with the social worker, the solicitor may have to ask the court to direct that you be involved in the contact.

You may need to discuss the purpose of your presence in the contact. The main purpose of contact at the moment is two-fold. One is just to enable your daughter and her child to continue their relationship. The other is for her parenting skills to be assessed. You would need to make sure that she was doing most of the actual caring for the little one, with you there mainly to give her support and advice.

[sasha]

Hello David,
I sincerely appreciate you dropping into my thread. I find your content extremely helpful to me in order that I calm myself down from this bureaucratic red tape I am being dished from SW's.
I have just received a fabulous telephone call from my daughter following today's contact. I can hear the proudness in her voice so clearly, it's lovely.(In contrast to yesterday's call, whereby she was inconsolable through tears and emotion as she left her son in the car seat ready to be returned to the FC)
She tells me that her son is doing really well, his weight and growth are improving inline with the Health Visitors expectations and that the FC reports to her that her son settles really well following contact arrangements.
She also informs me that the Court appointed Guardian for her son arrived in contact today and is pleased with the reports she receives from the 2 contact workers, and that from tomorrow they will only be sending 1 contact worker as the progress is doing well
The Guardian was shocked and disappointed to hear that I had been refused access to my Grandson and they will be contacting the SW's immediately to make arrangements asap. The Guardian will also call me to discuss relevant matters involved I understand.
Her son also had his first hearing test today (at contact) and all is in order with that and they are pleased with the results.
My daughter is to see her solicitor tomorrow to make the relevant statements in preparation for a court hearing next week, when the DNA results should be revealed.
It appears on reading paperwork produced by the SW's that in respect to timelines they have set a date in December, when if necessary they will look to place her son on a more permanent basis, yet the courts have set their date for all assessments to be completed by February. So, how can the SW's place a child somewhere more permanent if the assessments are still outstanding? Am I misunderstanding something here?
My gut instinct is the SW's are setting my daughter up to fail but I will discuss this with my solicitor on Friday, which won't be a good day because following my hospital appointment yesterday, I have to have a BP monitor strapped to me for 24hours so I am sure that will be working overtime with my stress levels on Friday

I am not under-estimating the roller coaster this journey is going to be, but never having had any experience like this before I understand the anger in people's voice/opinions when you mention Social Workers. I appreciate they are doing a job, but their communication methods are extremely sub-standard and beyond belief so I am recording all conversations with them so that I can transcribe where necessary, if they choose to deny having said something.

I was so pleased to hear my daughter's excitement today and I guess I will just have to ensure that continues in the right direction, which I will of course. I feel so helpless on the occasions like yesterday when I was not in the vicinity to console her but at least I was able to talk to her by phone.

I will have more information on proceedings next week following DNA results etc and I thank you so much for reading my thread and contributing guidance, comfort and support.

Sasha

[sasha]

Yesterday & today has been very revealing and some have shown their true colours.
Yesterday, my daughter received a phone call from her solicitor with the DNA results and as I suspected all along, her partner is NOT dad. Forgive my excitement, I don't have much to gloat about at present but that news was better than a lottery win. Her partner wasn't informed until this morning by his solicitor and he smashed the phone up the kitchen wall. It was also his contact day and apparently visited as arranged, however, it is my understanding he was asked to leave after an hour - I am yet to get more detail as to why. When my daughter had finished her contact she tried telephoning her partner several times, he failed to answer for many hours.
My daughter has been considering representing herself as a single person moving forward. I get the impression things aren't good between them and the pressure of her partner being reliant on her all the time, she feels she can only deal with so much pressure and that her partner will have to seek his support elsewhere. He has now been appointed a support worker so I guess he will get the help he needs, which is a good thing.
My husband and I visited our solicitor today to see where we stood legally as Grand Parents and I came home so deflated and devastated at the future prospects for both my daughter and her son.
Some of you may well be aware of the term 'twin tracking' and it explains why the SW's are looking at placement solutions whilst still having the assessments carried out for my daughter. This reduces the timeframe for finding suitable candidate(s) to adopt my Grandson if the inevitable happens.
We (my husband and I) can not be made party to proceedings unless we intend to offer ourselves as 'Special Guardian' to our Grandson, so we will have to hope that our daughter continues to share information with us and our contact arrangements can continue until a final decision has been made, following the results of the assessments.
Moving onto our contact arrangements. The SW called me today (all sweetness and light) to say that she is happy for me to have contact (having got permission from my daughter) once a week for one and half hours and could offer no explanation as to why her boss refused us contact as we were not party to proceedings. Our daughter has NEVER denied us contact and she was present along with many other witnesses when the Senior SW clearly stated that I would not be allowed contact.
If a Senior SW doesn't know the legalities of who is allowed contact then they shouldn't be doing the job. If that's not the case, then I am only left with the assumption she lied deliberately

We are due to meet our daughter tomorrow to support her through the days when contact is not available. We plan doing something pleasurable to keep her mind occupied, but I dare say the conversation is bound to cover the matter in hand.

Sincere apologies for boring anybody with this situation but I guess we/I have got a gruelling few months ahead and I could certainly do with your support & guidance.

Sasha

[Help 1870]

Hi Sasha, I have read this thread with interest. I understand your reasons for not being able to take on the full time care of yuor grandson but I wonder if the subject of shared/joint residence (or joint custody if you like) with your daughter has ever been raised. It could potentially be an option if the assessments show that she is capable of parenting him (and there doesnt seem to be much at this point that suggests she cant) but needs support to do so. You certainly spend an large amount of time supporting your daughter as it is and that could well be a positive to support shared residence and the additional support wouldnt be a much greater reach I would imagine.

Given your daughters difficultes in understanding situations I would have though it would have made sense for you to be made party to proceedings even though, at this point, you are not considering applying for any order yourself. Failing that, perhaps her solicitor needs to be looking at whether the official solicitor needs to be involved to support her and protect her interests. General solicitors are (usually) very good, but when dealing with someone with a restricted understanding or mental capacity it often takes a specialist. It may be worth you looking into and if you think necessary speaking to her solicitor about.

One of the reasons I suggest this is because of a frequent problem that carers have come across in the past. That being the attitude of the SW, which I believe you are already starting to feel. Many carers have found that by supporting the parents it has created difficulties between themselves and the LA. Because you are a grandparent you have very little in the way of rights so keeping a good working relationship with SS is very important. If however they make the decision to cut you out, its going to be very difficult for you and could also cause problems for your daughter if she is passing information on to you, which they dont want you to have (confidentiality and all that ) in order for her to recieve appropriate support.

I am concerned that you are taking an awful lot on, that you are under serious pressure, not just from the proceedings itself but also by the way you are having to withold information from various people to be delivered in a more controlled way. Although this is in their best interests and I fully appreciate your reasons for doing so, this is going to place an huge strain on you and is likely to be having an impact on your current health issues. This forum us fantastic for advice and support, but if you have someone, outside of this forum, that you can talk to and let off steam to then I would certainly advise you to use them as well. If not, find someone, or consider counselling so you have someone to offload to,

[sasha]

The BH week-end went well. We met up with our daughter on Saturday and spent most of the day with her, shopping, chatting over a meal and more shopping. Sunday, she spent time with some friends from the church she attends and Monday, tidying & packing away things ready for when she moves accommodation. We speak everyday on the telephone most days several times a day.

Tuesday arrived and I had not received clarification from SW's as to whether my contact with my GS covered my husband as well, so called them to check. They called back advising me that it did NOT, which I queried and twice she came back to me with the same answer. I had to accept that decision until the usual SW returned from her AL. However, at the eleventh hour, just as I was leaving the house she rang back to say "sorry, but I have just looked in the file and the SW who is on AL had left a note on file to say, YES, it does cover your husband as well"..........Obviously, the left hand doesn't talk to the right hand and we are supposed to accept this lack of professionalism?

We were overjoyed when we saw him again. It was a great moment and our GS is very strong for such an early age. He likes noise (which is great because my daughter is not the quietest speaker in the world) and is always looking around at what is going on.

When our GS was discharged from hospital he was managing 4hourly feeds but the FC has got him into a routine of 2-2 1/2 hourly feeds which I expect would get messy with contact arrangements but time will tell.

I have spoken to my daughters solicitor to discuss the possible option of joint/shared responsibilities and she wondered what the logistics would be of the arrangement. My daughter prefers her own independence so I don't think moving back home would be an option and I am not sure my husband would agree, due to his own disabilities. I will have to think through the logistics of how else that idea might work. However, I have located some information on 'supported housing' but I am advised that the SW's are the one's with the relevant contacts and information of suitability etc so I will speak to the SW when she returns next week from AL. What I don't understand is, why haven't the SW's looked into this option already? They know her current accommodation is not suitable (10th floor of high rise flats - 1 bedroom flat). If her mental health is of concern then they must know that supported housing could be the most suitable option. I appreciate it maybe a financial issue, but they haven't disclosed whether they have even visited that option.

I have checked with many Autism Societies and they are not aware of any legal advisers who have specialist experience of the conditions but to be fair, my daughters solicitor is happy to provide information in 'bitesize' chunks and to be more specific in the details she is discussing. I have found her to be most accommodating and extremely helpful, thus far.

In respect to the SW's that area is NOT going well at all at present, mainly due to holidays being taken by the staff involved and the case being covered by a so called Team Leader/senior SW who, in my opinion is setting my daughter up to fail. Even my daughter's solicitor is of the same opinion and is prepared to complain next week when the proper case handler returns. In one instance on a day when my daughters partner was not on contact visit, my daughter popped into the S.S offices about a finance matter and the senior SW has taken my daughter into a side room to drop certain information onto her, knowing she has no one to support her, to explain, to console etc until she either got home or spoke to me on the phone, which is what happened. My daughter was in pieces and it took me quite some time to calm her down, to understand exactly what the SW had said. If these SW's are so concerned with my daughter's mental health, it certainly didn't matter on Tuesday!!!

I have for many years been the translator for my daughter and husband (to some degree) without realising it so it has come as second nature to me. I have only realised this more recently when researching my suspicions about AS. I do try to get a weekly 'me' session for either Reflexology/massage and I have received counselling previously for my husbands condition. I have now made arrangements for same over the latest pressures. I enjoy gardening which I find very therapeutic, and will often just go off with a spade or a strimmer or more recently a paint brush as we had some new fencing lately. If I find the garden isn't far enough, I take the dog for a longer walk than usual and she comes home exhausted, bless.

Well, I knew it would only be a matter of time with my GS only being fed every 2 hrs and today I was proved right. The FC has a communications book which travels with him between contact visits and he had been fed at 10.30 this morning. So, almost immediately after arriving at contact (12.45) today he was ready for a feed. Great, my daughter fed him, winded him, changed him and not a peep out of him until 15.15hrs. Contact was due to finish at 15.30hrs and my daughter was told bluntly, not to feed him. He will be fed on arrival at FC's. My GS was put in the car screaming his head off, face almost blue and my daughter was told to go home! She was distraught. What a way to end a contact visit, seeing your son in such a state and being helpless? She telephoned me and was unable to speak through her tears. We were on the phone for almost an hour and when I finally managed to get her to calm down, I suggested as she had previously arranged to collect some documents from her solicitor today, that she discussed the matter with her with a view to contacting S.S. Hasten to add, her solicitor immediately got in touch with the Health Visitor involved and she is to contact the FC's with a view to understanding why this has happened when, my GS had been discharged on 4 hourly feeds almost 3 weeks ago.

During my research I have located a service provided by a local organisation as 'Advocates' for people in my daughter's situation. My daughter's solicitor thinks this will be a useful facility so that when the SW's need to meet with my daughter, she could be supported by an Advocate which will explain to her in a manner which she is able to understand, this will also relieve me from some of the pressure, albeit, I may have to resolve the aftermath.

I can't wait to see my GS again next week but I have bought some photo frames and will keep busy over the week-end to make the time pass quickly.

I appreciate all replies/ advice/ guidance

Virtual hug to all for reading.

[sasha]

Hello Irene,
If this is what other families are having to go through with SW's then there ought to be something or someone we could report this behaviour to? The two we are having to deal with must think they are god. The way they speak to my daughter you'd think she was something you'd stepped in! It is disgraceful.

My daughter does use the book but I will give her some more tips on Tuesday when I go again and it will be interesting to see what the FC has replied to my entry from last Tuesday.

There has been no consistence with the contact worker(s) involved and now one lady has volunteered to be the one involved, following my daughter raising the valid point and to be fair, the lady who has volunteered is really nice (genuine).

There has also been duplication/error in communication regarding where my GS should be registered with a GP so that's something else to sort out. I dare say the SW are very busy but if the left hand spoke to the right hand, they'd have a better system in place.

We are not sure why the 2hrly feeds but my GS was discharged with a question mark over heart murmur which is to be checked in Oct, but I don't see how that would affect his feeding.
His weight is increasing really nicely but at 3 weeks old his feeds should be less frequent in my opinion.The FC repeatedly comments in the book "It's in xxxxx best interest" & "I only want what's best for xxxxx". Pretty standard comment and patronising, I think.

I like your signature line moto Irene. Tough people do last longer than tough times and when your genes are from Lincolnshire, we must all stick together, lol. I have traced my family ancestors and my paternal relatives come from Grimsby/Louth.

Appreciate your support
Virtual hugs to all.

[sasha]

I pick up on your point where you said "looking back I can see and understand everything the SW did, it was the approach that hurt". These bloomin SW's have been on holiday 3 weeks out of 4, her boss never available, and her boss on holiday!!!
I know they have their entitlement and if my GS wasn't in the mix it wouldn't bother me. However, last week 4 days out of 5 my GS has been screaming for more food and the last notes by the SW were that her was NOT to be fed more than two and half ounces, every two and half hours and no one will go against that. The HV said he was to be fed on demand but the FC won't do that, infactically refuses. This is a a baby for goodness sake not a gotchy toy from Toy's R Us..........

I have made my GS' guardian aware of the lack of communication going on in this case and the unavailability of SW's when they're needed and we are to have a meeting next week.

Today sparked a new problem when they have changed the times of contact for my daughter without advising her of the new times, so has missed out on some of her contact time today.

My daughter has the first of her Psychiatric assessments in a couple of weeks but has to travel to Gloucester to their surgery by train, yet at the first court hearing I remember my daughter's solicitor saying clearly that they would be visiting her here (locally) so as not to mess with her contact time. It's clear to me that someone, somewhere is doing what they can to frustrate and set up my daughter to fail these assessments and I do not know who I/we can report this to so that we can ensure things are managed more professionally, and that my GS is treated and cared for properly? Any idea's folks?

Appreciate your support
Sasha

[sasha]

Things have moved along since my last post.
I have telephoned the FRG helpline and had a chat with a lovely lady. I found her patient, helpful and understanding. Our chat helped me greatly on a difficult day. THANK YOU.
Last week the SW finally returned from annual leave and attended a contact visit on Tuesday which is my contact day, along with the HV as there were growing concerns for my GS and the signs of his continued hunger. (He had been displaying clear hunger signs for 4 days and we were unable to get in contact with HV,SW or either of their bosses due to one reason or another which quite frankly I find unacceptable) It was agreed that his feeds could be increased to 4ounces with a provision that a minimum of 2 hours must have elapsed between feeds. However, by Friday, it soon became apparent that that amount would not be satisfying enough but as before, was advised not to increase until a further assessment had been carried out by the HV.
Wednesday, the SW once again dropped into the contact visit to advise my daughter that the FC wants to go on 2 holidays and take my GS with them (involves 2 long week-ends). Now, I have no desire to prevent any FC from having a holiday but due to a lack of communication and a lack of understanding how these things work, we have been told today that they will be permitted to take him and that whatever my daughter wants to happen doesn't matter.
The Child Protection Plan is no longer needed and has been removed today as the local authority have an interim court order sharing PR.
We have managed to iron a few things out at that meeting today some good, some not so good but it has cleared the air, in order for us to move forward.
It has been agreed that a food diary is put in place for the FC and my daughter to complete so that we can see just what my GS is managing alongside his growth chart, which I think is a really good idea. That has commenced today.
Now for the really good news - I have today been given a copy of my daughters medical records from the solicitor to read in preparation for her Psychiatric Assessment next week and I have come across several letters from professionals treating my daughter for ADHD which have mentioned the all too important word that I suspected 'ASPERGER'S SYNDROME', but nothing has ever been followed up with it. I can see my self in the clinic appointment discussing my daughter's behaviour and if only they had persisted at asking the right questions things may have had a different outcome.
My daughter's Psychiatric Assessment takes place next week whilst I am away on holiday but, I intend drafting up an accurate timeline of events for her to take along so that the Consultant will have an insight as to the difficulties we encountered during her childhood. (Serious car crash for one).
This evening, I do feel more positive about the possible outcome of these proceedings albeit, I am not getting my hopes up either. I do think my daughter stands a far better chance now the right paperwork has been found which I believe is crucial to the case.
And, my GS? He's doing just great
Thank you all, for reading, supporting and advising. It has helped me immensely.
Regards and virtual hug
Sasha

[David Roth]

Hi Sasha

Thanks for coming back to update us on what is happening. It sounds as if the news is a bit more hopeful, even if things are moving very slowly.

Is your daughter going to miss out on any of her contacts as a result of the foster carers going on holiday? If so, then it would be reasonable to ask for the missed contacts to be made up another time.

It is really good for your daughter that she has you fighting her corner and advocating for her. Whatever the outcome of the case, you'll know that you couldn't have done any more than you're already doing for her and the baby.

[sasha]

Hi David,
The point has been raised in regards to the loss of contact time but because the standard minimum contact is 3 days per week and my daughter currently gets 5 days per week they see that they have been generous already and will not make the time up later.

I have made a referral to our local Advocacy service because I am feeling the effects of the stress of this situation on my own health and need to address some of my own issues, but will still be on board supporting her along the route for the forth coming months naturally.

Sasha