Can we reduce contact

[jeanp]

Hi Suzy, can i just say that mum is not our daughter she is our sons ex .We have never been negative towards mum and always talk about mum in a positive way when we are chatting to Gd and if mum doesn't turn up for contact we always smooth it over by saying things such as " poor mummy, she has a poorly tummy lets hope she feels better soon ".
Mum comes to our home for contact and she is always made welcome, it doesn't matter what our feelings are about mum she is important to Gd.Any discussions we have about mum are always had when Gd is out of the house.The episodes when mum has kicked off have been dealt with by asking her to calm down or else she would have to leave.Mum is an extremely excitable, loud and volatile person ,which upsets Gd, who( being autistic) needs a calm and structured routine and will tell her mum " be quiet you are too loud for my head "
We have held back on SGO as mum has enough on her plate with new baby and SW, when we know what is happening then we will rethink what we are going to do.We also felt that once a month but for a longer contact visit would benefit mum AND gd ,then we can get back slowly to weekly contact again.
thank you so much for your advice it is much appreciated

[Kate]

Hi again jeanp

It sounds as if you do an excellent job with the contact visits. I don't know if it's easier or harder if the mum/parent is your own child or not, though there will obviously be family dynamics with your own child.

With respect to what Suzie said, I do understand the reasoning behind not having contact in the home. At the same time, when the parent is your own child, contact will always be about more than parent and child seeing each other. Our daughter visits her daughter, but she also visits us as her parents. Some time ago, when g/d hadn't been with us so long and our daughter was acting up on visits, I said we would have to look for a contact centre. She was shocked ("Bbbut I come to see you and dad as well!") It probably gave her a good reality check because things did improve. Although those of us who are grandparent carers have been through hell with our children, and been put in a position we would never have chosen by them - let alone the impact on their own children/our grandchildren - they are still our children. I suspect in many cases we choose to have some contact with them as our children, not just the parents of our grandchildren. I think this probably has pros and cons for the g/children. Yes, there will be tensions and undercurrents stemming from our relationships with our own children, and the position their actions have put us and the g/children in, but there will also be a familial bond, and positive benefits for the g/children. I talk quite naturally to my granddaughter about when mummy was a little girl like her, or comment when something comes up that mummy especially likes, or used to do. There are photos everywhere of her mum at all ages, etc etc. So g/d is growing up knowing she is part of this family that mummy is part of and I hope that is a benefit to her sense of identity.

[Kate]

Should probably have done two separate posts with the comments on Suzie's not included in the reply to jeanp - if anyone wants to pick up on the subject of contact in the home versus at a contact centre, I could start a new thread?

[jeanp]

Morning everyone,, I think our next move will be a venue like a Wacky Warehouse where it doesn't matter if mum fails to turn up, at least Gd has a good time.We could then extend the contact hours but cut down on the frequency, then everyone is happy .

Our son (daddy) is not so much of an issue, his problem has always been a lack of maturity and insight into Gd's needs, but he is SLOWLY getting better and now has Gd for tea at his house, but overnight stays are still a big no no.He has been in a relationship for nearly 2 years and has a 1 yr old son and 2 stepchildren and seems to be making a good try at family life.They now come to us for advice instead of verbally fighting issues, while his choice of partner is not who we would choose, he is happy and settled at last and that is what counts .After a shaky start with his partner they are now welcomed in our house and are now all part of our family.Our list of grand children is growing daily lol

I understand mums issues with life as she was an abused child herself and has shown signs of carrying that behaviour over into her adult life and this is what we have to protect Gd from.She can be very thoughtless ie, when Gd visited her new sister mum commented that " you aren't my baby anymore, she is my baby now (pointing to new baby)", that is when the visit was ended on the excuse that we had to go as our lift was waiting.

I'm afraid to say that she seems to see the new baby as a new toy and the old one (Gd) has been dumped,I think any interest she has ever had with her firstborn is quickly disappearing and has done since she found out she was pregnant.This was one of the reasons we felt that less contact was the way to go as Gd would still get to see mum but it gives mum a get out clause without her losing face.

Never mind.. onwards and upwards , bye for now

[Suzie, FRG Adviser]

Hi Jean,

Sorry for the confusion. I clearly misread the post and assumed that you were the maternal grandmother.

Great idea about moving contact to the Wacky Warehouse.

Best wishes

Suzie

[jeanp]

Thank you Suzie

[Kate]

Hi Irene, I don't know why I forgot to mention neutral venues when I posted - we used to meet our daughter/gd's mum out at places at times but haven't done this for some time now.. I fully agree that home has to be a safe place for the children and if it's not going to be with parents visiting, then they shouldn't visit.

[Kate]

Hi Jean,
I'm so glad things have improved with your son and his partner to the point that they can come to your home now and you can be a family together. It must have taken a lot of work to get to this point. Your g/d's mum sounds emotionally immature and lacking in insight, which fits with her history, and you have to protect your g/d as far as possible from her thoughtless comments. I hope it works out that less contact is accepted by her, maybe with some relief. I wonder how long it will be before the new baby isn't a novelty any more ..