Cared for Children - Or Not?

[fatcat]

old bear is right. take a step back and think very carefully about what you want to happen next. as you say, you have a very happy family at the moment. when i was considering whether to take the grandkids i still had two at home, one of which was still in primary school. the assessing social worker knew about the difficulties the grandkids had, and also the challenges posed by the parents. She advised me to fast forward in my mind to christmas in 20 years time, when we would all be eating dinner, and reminiscing. she then asked me what memories of their childhoods i would like to hear. it certainly made me think. she also told us that we haven't created the situation, are not responsible for any part of it and that we shouldn't feel guilty if we pull out.

although we went ahead, it was definitely with our heads rather than with our hearts and worked extra hard to ensure that our own children had as close to the childhood that they would have had.

[Help 1870]

quote:Originally posted by chockyelvis
he told his dad that I wouldn't give him anything,
we wouldn

[chockyelvis]

Hi All
What a whirlwind with school starting again etc. Thanks oldbear for the comment saying to wait a little before we decide anything. The boys (ages 9&7) have, upon returning, told other family members that they had a great time with us so I think they definitely had split loyalties whilst they were away. We've had no choice but to wait to speak to the sw to be honest as 3 calls later in the last week and I still cant get hold of her! I have however, wrote a letter which we are still adding to so there's no denying any of our concerns. After seeing the boys at school this week, I'm again on the thought that in applying t court for them IS the right idea and after reading the post of looking ahead to 20 years time to my husband, it's reaffirmed with him also that we should carry on. Thanks for all yur support. It really means a lot. x

Aunty B

[chockyelvis]

Hi All
Just another update really - eventually got hold of the sw and told her of all our concerns (took her 10 days to get back to me!). She then came out to our house about a month ago to interview 3 of my 4 sons (the other was out - she said that didn't matter) and then told me that a new sw would now be appointed as is the norm when the court case is looming. 4 weeks have now passed under the new sw with NO contact whatsoever! Is this usual? The court date was originally October, then Nov then Dec (according to the old sw) - we have since heard that its now back to Nov but we've had no medicals, further assessments, the garage is STILL a garage so we're really just where we started. I think the whole social system needs a desperate overhaul. I wouldn't like to think that so little time and effort was put in place if my sons ever needed someone else to care for them! SCARY! Moan over now - back to the housework (and trying to find this elusive sw on Monday).

Aunty B

[David Roth]

I would suggest phoning and asking who your new social worker is, or when a social worker is going to be allocated to you.

Unfortunately, most children's services departments are very overstretched at the moment. You are probably one among a number of cases that are waiting to be allocated a social worker. The ones that do get allocated are probably the ones that are judged to be most urgent, or that in some way draw attention to themselves. The most urgent ones will be those where there is judged to be some sort of immediate risk to the children. After that, it may be possible that making a phone call could act as a reminder that you are there, and that it is at the very least urgent to you and the children, even if they are not at immediate risk.

David R
FRG Policy Adviser

[chockyelvis]

Final Update!
Last night the new social worker got in touch. She said that she was only completing our assessment as the courts had ordered that it be done - she's more than happy for all 4 children to go back to their dad and is hoping the courts see the same. I'm sorry but the eldest is almost 9 (in the next few days)and for dad to suddenly turn his life around in the last 4 months is a bit unbelievable to me. I dont have any time for the boys dad or grandparents anyway and after the sw stating last night that she'd been told (off the boys dad and his parents)that my husband and I always wanted to steal the boys from them since they were born (bearing in mind that all we wanted was for them to have a good upbringing which didn't involve drink,drugs,knives etc)my husband has said he won't go any further with this now (understandably it must have bothered him as this comment had come from HIS brother and parents!) I have the task today of ringing the sw to tell he we're pulling out and whilst I know it's the best thing to do (honestly - after the comments about the underwear on holiday and the fact that I have 2 teenage sons who I would be putting in a vulnerable position and the sw agreed that that kind of accusation WOULD probably come up in the future if they've already insinuated it), I feel like i'll be letting the boys down but no amount of persuasion will change my hubbys mind. He even said that he's moving out with our 4 children if I do go ahead as he wont put them at risk from any accusations that will no doubt follow. I have to respect what my husband says and do agree that my children would be in a vulnerable position and I can't live with that either. The dad of the boys has been having strands of his hair tested and apparently coming back clear of drink - my husband and I have seen him on numerous occasions drunk,so not sure how that 1's being done!
Anyway, I can put my file away now, and let the council know that the plans we'd put in place for the garage conversion will no longer be going ahead. I thought it would be easier than this, pulling out, but I just feel so deflated but I do know it's for the best as my husbands family (the dad and g/parents of the boys) are wicked and have said they would go to any lengths to make us "pay" if we were awarded custody.
Thankyou to everyone who's given us advice - this sight is worth its weight in gold, not just for the emotional support of other carers, but for the sheer wealth of information that's given about the practicalities of looking after family members. I looked forward 20 years if we'd have got custody(as was the advice on another post) and saw the boys as happy adults with families of their own. Now I look forward 20 years and only hope that this time the dad will come through with his promise and give the children the life they deserve.
Thankyou.

Aunty B

[nanaJ]

How sad to hear this. You do have to put your own children first and I know first hand what you may have faced over the coming years with others who wish to "make you pay". We have paid the price for having our lovely grandchildren - five years of continuous court proceedings and threats. Last year was a good year with only four court cases, this year trouble is already brewing over a minor matter with threats madeover christmas. It's always being fearful of the post and deliveries, being afraid to answer the phone, being afraid to enjoy yourself or feel safe.

Having said this, I am proud of the loving, sensitive, beautiful little boys who live with us.

However, I don't believe for one moment that the father has turned his life around. I know, as do many others on the site with more experience than myself, that it takes years not months. You will be reunited with the children, probably sooner rather than later.

Your husband's decision is a wise one.

[gb2010]

I've just sat and read through from the beginning and I think you have both made a very brave and right decision. We have an SGO and are being taken back to Court for more contact next Friday. Our little girl is 7 soon and we looked after her since age 2. It DOES unsettle our 3 birth children and it's never ending emotionally. Hindsight is a great thing, but saying that, we wouldn't part with her now. Take care and enjoy your birth children xx

[yogibear]

You must do what is right for you and your family, my thoughts are with you all.

Of all the things I've lost. I miss my mind the most.

[Kate]

This must have been a very difficult and painful time for you and you must be so concerned for the children. I hope their father comes through for them, and wish you and you family all the very best. I hope you won't feel guilty in any way, even though of course you'll wish it could have been different. But you went as far as you could with this, and you deserve to be able to live a peaceful life as a family now.