How to deal with a child turning against you?
Posted: Mon Dec 10, 2012 12:29 pm
I've been asked to post the following by a contributor to this forum:
As long-term contributors to the forum I've asked David to post this as at the moment its important our family identity is kept secret. .
The child in our care, now approaching 16, has severe behaviour problems with ODD, ADHD etc and is receiving treatment and medication from CAHMS. The child attends a special therapeutic school part-time having been excluded from several mainstream schools. Following incidents of physical abuse against us, the child was arrested last year and spent a night at the police station after abusing the police who were called after we sought advice from our GP. This ended in a Final Warning being given to the child.
Children's services became involved, and the clear message from all parties was that child was 'in control. and we had to take back control. Not easy when one of us is temporarily disabled and the other of smaller stature than the child, but we did our best.
Over the months, the behaviour has become more and more abusive and violent towards us, and indeed the home where there is now a backlog of repairs. Stones have been thrown at us, panels of car's kicked in, neighbours ornamental tree's destroyed .... the list goes on ..... and the language! Certainly not printable here.
One of the most galling things is that after a few weeks of working with us, we rang CS in the middle of a real crisis where we had both been hit and things were getting out of control as 'immediate support is always available via an out of hours number'. Another long story in itself, but 2 hours after we calmed the situation down, they then offered to come out as there were now two of them and they were not allowed to come out alone in a crisis in case they got hurt! Fine to leave us older ones in a pickle!
CS withdrew and closed the case after 12 weeks as there was no more they could offer! However, by that time, CAHMS were fully involved.
Another piece of good advice from CS when we asked for respite was to tell us to get other family member to do it. We tried it once a couple of months ago. We went to an old friends 60th birthday party a distance away and had to stay over so the child stayed with another daughter, husband and two of our grandchildren. Sunday morning we get a call to say there had been a major scene in W H Smiths, and after physical and verbal abuse, the child had run off. Of course we had to return much earlier than we expected and it was somewhat stressful drive.
Anyway to cut a very long story short, the child went to school last Wednesday and has thrown some form of allegations against us, CS and the police were called and we are to be interviewed separately under caution at the the local police tomorrow with no idea as to what the allegations are. Meantime, the child signed themselves into section 20 accommodation and apart from picking up his medication and some clothes on Wednesday evening we have heard nothing from CS.
We are convinced that we have done nothing wrong, but its quite clear the authorities feel that there is a case to answer. We have been the ones with the bruises and injuries but didn't call the police as we were told that one further arrest would lead to court proceedings and we do not want to give them a criminal record. The child has on more than one occasion made threats to get us arrested, but along with most of the other threats, we really didn't expect it to happen.
We have a first class solicitor lined up for the interviews, but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with. We've also had phenomenal support from family members, and indeed from the principal of the part-time stage school the child attended for several years before eventually being asked to leave effectively for racial bullying and then making untenable demands. However, despite previously having calls every other day, we have heard zilch from the special school staff who claim to be so keen to work with us.
The one question we keep being asked is will we take the child back? At the moment, I cannot how we could, and frankly, despite the stress, are enjoying not being constantly attacked, sworn at, keys being taken, thieving, being "turnip'd", thrown to the floor, and general unacceptable behaviour. However, with Christmas approaching, we guess its a question we may soon have to answer. Can anyone see a way through as we still love this monster?