In court Monday and scared!

Kate
Posts: 2444
Joined: Tue Oct 18, 2005 5:33 pm

Re: In court Monday and scared!

Postby Kate » Mon Dec 20, 2010 12:30 am

Hi rosielj,
Everyone is right: you aren't to blame for the way your daughter turned our, and your granddaughter only has you to keep her safe and put her needs first.

Many of us here are faced with choices we would never in our worst nightmares have imagined. I told my daughter when she was first pregnant (just 17, had left home and was in no position to care for a goldfish let alone a baby) that I would always love her but that from the moment she said she was pregnant and keeping the baby, that baby would have to come first for me in any conflict of interest. Because the baby was helpless and she was not. I had to see it through every step of the way. G/d came to us at thirteen months having been through some awful times, but I'm pretty sure she'd have been with her mum for longer and gone through far worse if I hadn't been such a pain in the neck on her behalf. Our daughter has never done anything to make it possible for her to have her back, and she does feel very sorry for herself at times I'm sure as her life is sad and empty, but she does also know her daughter's safe and happy and she can have some sort of a relationship with her because she's with us and not in care or gone for adoption. That is something you are giving your daughter too and I hope she will appreciate it one day.

I'm very sorry about your best friend, you must miss her very much.

Good luck in court - let us know how it goes.

special4ngel
Posts: 50
Joined: Fri Dec 23, 2005 10:31 am

Re: In court Monday and scared!

Postby special4ngel » Mon Dec 20, 2010 5:30 am

I was put in the same position as you and I too dreaded the day in court where I had to face my daughter. My heart was breaking knowing that I was just about to lose her so that my GD could have a loving stable life.
Yes it was bad, The look of hatred in my daughters eyes when she spat insults at me, the nasty vile words she said to me made me cringe. It was my worse nightmare come true!
but then I thought about my GD....I shut my ears, closed my eyes and just thought about my GD. I knew I could survive that day because I knew my GD needed me to be there for her.
As everyone has said before to you here, my daughter made her own choices and she has to live with them.

We did survive, my GD who is now 13, is a very special young lady who loves life, lives life and is my life.

My daughter....well, nothing has changed. but that's her choice!

Good Luck we will be thinking of you x



caz
caz

Kate
Posts: 2444
Joined: Tue Oct 18, 2005 5:33 pm

Re: In court Monday and scared!

Postby Kate » Tue Dec 21, 2010 1:48 am

We did survive, my GD who is now 13, is a very special young lady who loves life, lives life and is my life


What beautiful words [:)][:)][:)]

rosielj
Posts: 10
Joined: Tue Nov 30, 2010 8:00 am

Re: In court Monday and scared!

Postby rosielj » Tue Dec 21, 2010 9:03 am

Survived the court.... just about!Had a three hour wait as my Daughter's solicitor or barrister (not sure who he was)got stuck in snow somewhere on his journey. The Judge wasn't there either so we sat in the court looking at a phone which was on loudspeaker from which he spoke.
I saw my Daughter briefly as I entered the building, my problem is, whatever she throws at me, however bad she has treated me over the years I always feel sorry for her.We exchanged a few words about the weather as if we were strangers then I was taken to a room upstairs.
My Solicitor read the report from SS to me which the judge later described as comprehensive given he had asked for a brief report at this time.It detailed their involvement so far, and was a bit "sitting on the fence" as usual, but clearly stated they felt it best my GD stay with me till February. My Daughter's representative then put it to the judge that they agreed totally that GD should stay with me for now???? Loads more reports to be done now including a thoughts and feelings report for my GD, the SW who came here described her as "A very intelligent 9 year old who made it very clear that she wanted to stay with Grandmother and had stated in a very grown up manner her reasons for her decision not to go home"
Why did my daughter's legal side not fight it?I don't understand, and judging from my Daughter's text messages since, she doesn't understand either, all she said was that her representative was a ***** whom she didn't even know, and I received text after text from her blaming me that she had made a 4 hour train journey for nothing, wasted
rosie

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ied53
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Joined: Fri Aug 18, 2006 11:26 pm

Re: In court Monday and scared!

Postby ied53 » Tue Dec 21, 2010 11:32 am

it is vital that you stop making your daughter out to be perfect. You are confusing your grandaughter. She needs to be able to trust you and you are lying to her. There is nothing wrong with <Mummy says your presents haven't arrived. It is what you were told we all know she should have visited any way it is an excuse. The children cannot be bought with gifts. She would have been advised by her sol at this stage as she would have been unlikely to get her way. It looks as if she is considering the child. this is all a game of chess best moves come later !! Your daughter made her choices look at the facial expressions on your grandaughter when she talks about her Mum the pain and attempt and a don't care look were caused by your daughter. I love my son dearly but I don't like him I don't like he whines he is missing out on his child because of me so why isn't he sending her things and trying to see her for christmas? He can only afford it if I send him the money yeah right to be "lost in post" someone stole it" get the picture.

Irene
Irene
Grandparent carer in Lincolnshire
Tough times never last tough people do

babylove
Posts: 108
Joined: Thu Jun 03, 2010 4:42 pm

Re: In court Monday and scared!

Postby babylove » Tue Dec 21, 2010 2:22 pm

when it comes to contact please dont believe her when she says the "courts said" make sure you ask the SW or your solicitor otherwise she could twist it to go against you as thats what my daughter tried doing.

what is so amazing is that when people start talking about their daughters/sons it sounds like their talking about my daughter as i can relate to everything that is being said about them as if their talking about my daughter. must be a drug/drink thing

jenmarie
Posts: 193
Joined: Mon Apr 20, 2009 11:37 am

Re: In court Monday and scared!

Postby jenmarie » Tue Dec 21, 2010 5:16 pm

Don't lose the support of your boys. Give all of you the christmas you deserve. If your daughter ends up with the one she deserves...maybe,,just maybe,, next year could be different. You need to stop this manipulation now.Love and hugs. xxxxx

Piglets-House
Posts: 108
Joined: Mon Jan 05, 2009 12:36 pm

Re: In court Monday and scared!

Postby Piglets-House » Tue Dec 21, 2010 7:41 pm

My niece has tried to convince me this week that she has been told that she can see her children with her new husband whenever she wants to. I have held firm and said you are quite welcome to come to my house on your own (bearing in mind she has not seen them herself for a year and has not phoned for 8 months) without the husband in tow. I insisted that she get to know them again first before introducing other people to them. Seeing as how I know it won't last I don't want the kids to get involved they are 4 and 2. Anyway after several email conversations she finally admitted to me that what I was saying was right because that's what her social worker told her!! I was astounded and said well then why are you asking me she said well there is no harm in trying, have a nice Christmas. Pfffft. All a show for the new husband I have no doubt to show she cares about her kids especially at Christmas.

special4ngel
Posts: 50
Joined: Fri Dec 23, 2005 10:31 am

Re: In court Monday and scared!

Postby special4ngel » Wed Dec 22, 2010 5:34 am

If I didn't know better you could be telling everyone my life story about my daughter!....everything you say about your daughter is how mine is, so uncanny I had to read your post twice. The judge even told us 'make your own contact arrangements as you seem to have decent contact between your selves' we had heard nothing nor seen my daughter for 4 years!! and yes my daughter threw 'the judge said' up at me all the time. I decided to play her at her own game. I told her for the last 6 years I have done everything for your daughter to see you. If you want contact YOU call her, YOU come and visit her, YOU make your own way, I will NOT bring her to you. Needless to say for the first few weeks we had several phone calls, all saying the right things, promises of I will come and see you, I have bought you this, that and everything. It only lasted for about 3 weeks then the calls went from every other day to once a week and now nothing!!
I felt so sorry for my daughter, her face and her words told me she really cared, her actions told me it was all for show. She was more bothered about what her friends and new boyfriend thought. she had to make the right impression for them to see.
In truth, she has not got time for my GD and out of sight out of mind springs to mind!! until she is upset over something and is looking for sympathy blaming her 'ex' for her lack of contact.
Through it all I was, still am, fighting with myself because I DO LOVE MY DAUGHTER, I don't like her for what she is doing to my GD.
The only way I get through all of this is to separate the two.
We are surviving this because I put my GD first. We have not spoken to my daughter for months now but Xmas is here and we know it will start over but we are ready, we WILL make the right noises, we WON'T be forgiving, we WON'T be feeling sorry for her. her life her choices.
You have a long road ahead, some of it will be so hard, you will have ups and downs but at the end of your journey you will look back and say We survived.

caz
caz

rosielj
Posts: 10
Joined: Tue Nov 30, 2010 8:00 am

Re: In court Monday and scared!

Postby rosielj » Wed Dec 22, 2010 8:03 am

Thanks for your replies everyone.
Irene, believe me I know she's not perfect! She is a manipulator, who uses emotional blackmail to the extreme, but the thing is she does love her Daughter, if it came to it she would lay down her life and die for her, but she doesn't have a clue how to look after her, how she should be talking to her, how to fulfill her basic needs etc etc but I know in her own misguided way she loves her and that's what I am finding hard about all this. She is apparently seeing the mental health team soon, and if she is honest with them maybe she will get somewhere, who knows?It's almost like she's trapped as a child herself in her own head, nine years of drug abuse has not helped either and she seems to have now totally lost touch with reality.
I know I am doing the right thing, and I see that everyday when I look at my G.D being the nine year old she deserves to be instead of some sort of carer. I will always put the Children first as they don't have choices.
It is remarkable how similar some of our situations on here are, and as I have said before a great comfort to know I am not alone, thanks everyone.


rosie
rosie


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