In court Monday and scared!

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In court Monday and scared!

Post by rosielj » Fri Dec 17, 2010 7:36 am

Hi just an update since last post really and also a way of writing down my fear and frustrations as I have nobody else to talk to.
My Daughter's benefits ended and after 8 weeks of hardly any contact with my G.D she suddenly started to phone her and to cut a long story short informed me she was coming last Friday to get her as she had only just realized that I had no legal rights to keep her here (a total lie as she had been informed of this many times by S.W)
S.S asked what I was going to do about it and informed me I could apply for an emergency residence order, the S.W was really off with me on the phone when I said I didn't think I could do that as what relationship I had left with my Daughter would end if I did that. There followed a phone call from the school telling me my G.D was upset and had told the teacher she didn't want to go home. I went for an emergency residence order last Friday and the judge granted it and I am back in court on Monday where arrangements are to be made for contact especially as my G.D little Sister is still at home, also to extend the order possibly following brief report requested by judge from S.S in my Daughter's area.
What a nightmare all this is, I feel guilty for so many reasons, guilty that I have my G.D here, that I have obviously hurt my Daughter by applying for a residency order, terrified of facing my Daughter in court on Monday,guilty for splitting the Sisters up, confused by S.W Who when I told her I had decided on the residency order was over the moon and told me I had done the right thing, but in the few lines she wrote for the emergency hearing quoted that because my G.D was on the at risk register S.S would be able to manage the situation if she returned home, total mixed messages, she was the one pleading with me to get it!
Nobody will tell me anything about my Daughter, I have asked if they (S.S) feel she is now aware of why my G.D wanted to be here and if she realizes that she could not continue with her chaotic, drug induced lifestyle and I never get an answer. All i get this end is text after text from my Daughter filled with abuse about how I have stolen my G.D and how she has done nothing wrong, and how she wants my G.D's money as soon as I get any for her.
The day I went to get my G.D I did it to try to shock my Daughter into seeing that she could not carry on treating her the way she does, I thought it would give her the wake up call she needed, I had tried everything else possible in the last nine years to get her back on track and failed.
I tried to go Xmas shopping yesterday and I kept fighting back tears with all the "Merry Xmas, we are all having so much fun" type songs being played. This is no fun at all, I know I have done the right thing by my G.D but what an emotional journey this all is.


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Robin D
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Re: In court Monday and scared!

Post by Robin D » Fri Dec 17, 2010 11:01 am

Hi Rosie.

All I can say is that many of us here have been there, and have the greatest of sympathy for how you are feeling. You have to keep telling yourself that your closing sentiment 'I know I have done the right thing by my G.D' is just so true.

I'm afraid you may end up having to hurt your daughter to protect her child, but don't cut yourself up about it. It's your daughter's poor lifestyle choices that have put you in this position, not yours.

((( HUGS )))

Grandparent carer in Suffolk [:)]
Former F&F carer, foster carer, adopter and respite carer for umpteen children. Now retired and when with kids, making sure they 'go home' at the end of the day.

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Re: In court Monday and scared!

Post by jenmarie » Fri Dec 17, 2010 1:20 pm

So sorry you are going through this. You are in almost the same position as I was' in April 2006. I didn't/couldn't cut my daughter loose and my g/s ended up in care. My daughter got him back in November 07 only to mistreat and abuse him. He ended up back in care after the police became involved in April 09. I had to fight the hardest I've ever had to fight in my life to get him back. It took 8 months to get him back. I still have plenty of regrets for not behaving differently in 2006. What my g/s had to go through during that time is heart breaking. I now have him on an sgo, and no one will hurt him again. I have no contact with my daughter at all now, no idea where she is, and yes it hurts and yes I think about her. But, she made me choose her child over mine. I would do it all over again to give our little boy the life he deserves only I would do it sooner. Doun't ever doubt yourself. Stay strong. Love and hugs. xxxxx

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Re: In court Monday and scared!

Post by rosielj » Fri Dec 17, 2010 4:52 pm

Thank you so much, both of you. x


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Re: In court Monday and scared!

Post by yogibear » Fri Dec 17, 2010 9:27 pm

Hiya Rosielj, we're in Court Monday as well, I hope we both get the right outcome. Good luck to you. x

Of all the things I've lost. I miss my mind the most.
Of all the things I've lost. I miss my mind the most.

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Re: In court Monday and scared!

Post by maricharle » Sat Dec 18, 2010 8:45 am

Hi Rosie,

Like you and the others I have had to choose between my daughter and grandson and I agree it is never easy but you are doing the right thing. Never doubt that. The way I look at it is my daughter is old enough to be able to look after herself and make her own decisions where as my grandson needs looking after. In cases like this it is better someone the child knows than a stranger and lets face it perhaps if your daughter will thank you one day if she does get her life together as she may be able to have a relationship with her child because it is you that will be caring for her. Who knows what the future will bring but for now your grand daughter is safe and secure in a loving caring family. I hope everything goes well in court on Monday

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Re: In court Monday and scared!

Post by nanaJ » Sat Dec 18, 2010 8:47 am

I hope you both achieve the results you wish for in Court on Monday. It is always more difficult at this time of year and it remains an emotional time for us and the children.

You are doing the right thing for your grandchild, your daughter's pleadings for money show she is not prepared to put her child before her chosen lifestyle. There can be no doubt in your mind you are putting the child first.

I have been convinced, as have others on the forum, on numerous occasions our daughter may be ready to have the children back but over a two year period she has regularly slipped back. It takes considerable time and effort to change and from what you have said, your daughter has not even started down the path to a recovery.

Good luck to you both.

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Re: In court Monday and scared!

Post by rosielj » Sun Dec 19, 2010 8:38 am

I cannot thank you enough for your support, it feels so isolating sometimes to be in this situation and as I lost my best friend to cancer this summer there is nobody I can turn to who knows my Daughter and how hard the last nine years have been for me.
Irene, my other G.D is still at home because she has a different Father who has a big role in her life, she went to stay with him and her Paternal Grandmother for four weeks when all this happened,S.S asked me first and I agreed, but they didn't want to make the two hour journey to bring her to me so arranged for her to go to the other Grandmother. She is now back at home and I think about her all the time, S.S are visiting my Daughter and G.D on a daily basis.
Good luck Yogibear, will be thinking of you on Monday.
NanaJ and Maricharle, thanks for your support, its so comforting to have people who understand.I tend to look too deeply into why my Daughter is the way she is and think "Where did I go wrong?" but then I look at my four Boys who are fully functioning and stable and know deep down that they all had the same loving upbringing so yes, my Daughter is a thirty six year old Woman who has made her own sad choices.


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Re: In court Monday and scared!

Post by Kate » Mon Dec 20, 2010 12:30 am

Hi rosielj,
Everyone is right: you aren't to blame for the way your daughter turned our, and your granddaughter only has you to keep her safe and put her needs first.

Many of us here are faced with choices we would never in our worst nightmares have imagined. I told my daughter when she was first pregnant (just 17, had left home and was in no position to care for a goldfish let alone a baby) that I would always love her but that from the moment she said she was pregnant and keeping the baby, that baby would have to come first for me in any conflict of interest. Because the baby was helpless and she was not. I had to see it through every step of the way. G/d came to us at thirteen months having been through some awful times, but I'm pretty sure she'd have been with her mum for longer and gone through far worse if I hadn't been such a pain in the neck on her behalf. Our daughter has never done anything to make it possible for her to have her back, and she does feel very sorry for herself at times I'm sure as her life is sad and empty, but she does also know her daughter's safe and happy and she can have some sort of a relationship with her because she's with us and not in care or gone for adoption. That is something you are giving your daughter too and I hope she will appreciate it one day.

I'm very sorry about your best friend, you must miss her very much.

Good luck in court - let us know how it goes.

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Re: In court Monday and scared!

Post by special4ngel » Mon Dec 20, 2010 5:30 am

I was put in the same position as you and I too dreaded the day in court where I had to face my daughter. My heart was breaking knowing that I was just about to lose her so that my GD could have a loving stable life.
Yes it was bad, The look of hatred in my daughters eyes when she spat insults at me, the nasty vile words she said to me made me cringe. It was my worse nightmare come true!
but then I thought about my GD....I shut my ears, closed my eyes and just thought about my GD. I knew I could survive that day because I knew my GD needed me to be there for her.
As everyone has said before to you here, my daughter made her own choices and she has to live with them.

We did survive, my GD who is now 13, is a very special young lady who loves life, lives life and is my life.

My daughter....well, nothing has changed. but that's her choice!

Good Luck we will be thinking of you x


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