What to do?

[yogibear]

I haven't been on here for over a year. My g/s went home to my daughter after her bad bi-polar episode, during which her marriage ended, and we went to court and got a shared residency order, incase she became unwell again. It was a staggered return monitored by S/S. She met a new man very quickly, who was Police checked by S/S, who told me apart from a minor problem when he was very young they had no concerns..
To cut a very long and messy story short, he has been beating her for the whole year, unknown to us, his previous girlfriend has a panic button in her property for life, his Police record is bad. Previous girl friend insisted on drug testing before supervised access was granted for his daughter... he tested positive for cocaine on all three tests.
G/s has always stayed with us Thurs-Sat, as soon as we became aware of all the goings on ( Mum was hospitalised with bad head injury, sustained in front of children) we kept him, and went straight to S/S.
Daughter is saying she has thrown him out and the relationship is over... we don't believe her, we think she will just pretend till every thing dies down ... then have him back.
Our concern is this monster could end up back in the same house as 7yr old G/s.I don't mean to sound heartless about daughter, but 15yrs of lies and trauma....!!
We have been to see a Solicitor regarding going for full residency the second we find out she is seeing monster, and she has recommended a Private Detective.
If we were to do this, daughter has a free Solicitor who specialises in Mental health, and is very very good, could we under any circumstances loose the shared residency we already have?

Thanks all.

Of all the things I've lost. I miss my mind the most.

[David Roth]

Where do Children's Services stand on your grandson going back to his mum? Would they consider it a child protection issue if he were to go back to her? And what support would they be willing to provide, to help ensure he could stay on with you?

If Children's Services are willing to state that they would consider it unsafe for him to return, that would certainly help your case. After all, your case is not just based on whether the new partner is still resident in her home or not: it is based on the whole history, including her mental health history and her very quick selection of someone who was as wholly unsuitable as this man.

You ask whether you risk losing the shared residence which you already have. While the outcoe of any court case is never a foregone conclusion, from what you have said it would appear that any decision to remove your PR would leave your grandson in a very risky situation without any sort of safety net, and courts are obliged to make the child's welfare their paramount consideration. I find it hard to see your daughter convincing a court that it will be best for your grandchild to have your PR removed from him.

Having said that, if your daughter is receiving legal aid and prolongs that case, the legal fees could mount up for you.

David R
FRG Policy Adviser

[yogibear]

Thank you David R. Social Services have told her that should she try to remove G/s from our care they will take him to conference again and make it a child protection case again, they wont at present as he is safe with us! We have requested that they do. Our Solicitor is writing to them to ask if they will support us.( New Social Worker at this time)
At present she has contact after school 3 evenings and all day on a Sat, already the b/f has tried talking to G/s on phone, ( some cover story about his daughter wanting to talk to him) No over nights allowed at this time.

Of all the things I've lost. I miss my mind the most.

[yogibear]

Last time g/s was with us for 9 months, we never received a penny from any one.He has been here 5-6 weeks already, can I ask for the family allowance or the maintenance daughter receives?

Of all the things I've lost. I miss my mind the most.

[Kate]

You are entitled to the Child Benefit, yogibear. I think it's once the child has been with you for 56 days. I don't know about maintenance but hope you're entitled to it - someone else will know. How's it going at the moment?

[yogibear]

Things not so great at the moment Kate, They have requested drug and alcohol tests be carried out on daughter along with blood tests to ensure she is taking mediation as her mental health is varied to say the least. Social Worker seems to be being taken in by her.. trust me... she is a great manipulator. Solicitor has written to Social Services, (think that's why they have asked for tests)

I swing between feeling so dreadfully guilty about daughter to protective about G/s.... All so very very sad.

Of all the things I've lost. I miss my mind the most.

[yogibear]

G/s came home at 7pm tonight after a contact visit with his mum, very quiet and subdued. When reading his bedtime story he became quite upset and saying things like "I'm bored here" to cut it short, Mum keeps on and on at him to tell every one he wants to go home..... He's so confused, poor wee lad. Surely that comes under emotional abuse..
Solicitor still hasn't had a reply from Social Worker as (1) She's gathering all the information. (2) She's gone sick.
Going to ring them in the morning and see what can be done... So very upset tonight.......Just needed to rant, sorry.

Of all the things I've lost. I miss my mind the most.

[Kate]

yogibear, sorry, I missed your post on the 13th somehow but just saw it with your latest post. I can understand what you mean about your daughter being a great manipulator and I'm sure many of us here have experience of this, and of social workers and other professionals being taken in (or appearing to be) at least for a time. Usually it doesn't last very long, but we worry ourselves sick on behalf of the children who are put at risk.

You shouldn't feel guilty about your daughter. I know it's easy to say that, but you can't make things different for her. You CAN make a difference to your grandson, even though you feel so up against it at the moment, and now you are having to deal with the effect on your grandson of his mum manipulating him to try to get him back.

You must keep a record of everything your grandson tells you and the effect the contact has had on him. I do think it's emotional abuse on his mother's part to tell him to try to make him say he wants to go home, and I think you should tell SS about this visit, what he's told you and how this is affecting him.

Thinking of you.

[Kate]

I agree with Irene about the unsupervised contact. When you contact SS, yogibear, I would raise this too.

[yogibear]

Got to speak to G/s's Social Worker this morning, and while not committing to much, she did say they have to "Evidence" everything, and as I'm aware how very very difficult that is to do as daughters mental health is soooo complex and she is extremely plausible. Just taking one day at a time at the moment.

Of all the things I've lost. I miss my mind the most.