Mum taking us to court over contact

[mumof3now]

Hi

Just looking for some advice really. My nephew was placed with us 2 years ago on firstly IRO for 1 year and then finally after 1 year SGO after being in care for 10 months. Contact was agreed for 4 times a year initally at the time of SGO (but no contact order was made). She has only ever turned up once 6 months ago. This contact affected him greatly, he started wetting the bed when he had never done before, waking in the distressed, he developed a stutter and all the behaviours he displayed when he was placed with us reappeared. As a result of this I said that I was not prepared for him to attend any further contacts for the time being as it was not in his best interests but I was not ruling it out forever, just when he was older to understand and deal with it.

Now we have been told by SS to expect a solicitors letter from Mum demanding contact and even more than before. This is a women that in the last 2 years has never so much as sent a text or letter asking how he is, never sent birthday or xmas cards/pressies or anything.

Not sure what to expect really and dont feel like yet another court battle neither can I afford one. Does anyone have an experience of being told to do contact even when you can prove its not in his best intersts and where the parent has never shown any interest before other than once for an hour and half in 2 years.

many thanks in advance

Mumof3now

Mumof3Now

[Cellbar]

Hi there

We are in exactly the same boat, I have posted about this previously and very recently.

We have been in touch with the placing local authority for some advice and guidance (as the SGO is under 3 years old) and they have been very good, they have allocated a specialist adoption and contact worker who was very positive when he came out, about our situation and the 'trump cards' that we hold in our situation.

I strongly suggest you contact the Childrens Legal Helpline who offer free legal advice, we are in the same situ - we cannot afford a solicitor either whilst parent is on legal aid!

You will find that going to court MAY be in your favour so that a proper contact order can be put in place that helps you manage the situation better and legally, but the SGO has the contact orders as its biggest weakness as many of us are finding out now as parents especially can request a contact order at any time, unless you can request and lodge a section 91 (14) at some point, but you will need legal advice on this.

I wish you all the best and keep us posted.

_________________________________
We are the only ones who make life difficult...

[David Roth]

If you want to stick to your guns about not allowing any contact, then you could find that you end up in a court battle over whether a contact order should be made.

However, you might also want to suggest a compromise. You could reply to the solicitor, outlining that you ended contact because mum was not sticking to the level of contact that was agreed in court, and when it took place he became distressed afterwards. You could say that you are willing to consider resuming the contact that was originally agreed, provided mum sticks to the arrangement, and it is not distressing for the child. You could suggest setting a date for the first contact, and if mum keeps to the arrangement then you would be willing to consider arranging further contacts.

You could also suggest drawing up a contact agreement, which is something we have discussed on another thread. This could specify what the contact arrangements are. It could also state what should happen if the arrangements have to be changed - what mum should do if she cannot come or she is going to be late, or what you will do if you need to change the date of the contact. It could also include some consequences if mum does not keep to contact arrangements, eg if she misses contacts then the level of contact she is allowed will be reduced.

The contact agreement doesn't need to be a legal document that the solicitors draw up, just something that you are happy will provide some safeguards for your nephew if the contact with his mum does resuume.

One advantage of making this sort of response is that if mum does try to take this to court, you will be seen to have acted reasonably and in the child's interests.

David R
FRG Policy Adviser

[mumof3now]

Hi
thanks for the replies - Cellbar just read your posts, like you i thought SGO was more secure.

The problem is I don't want a contact order. David we have already tried the contact arrangement, which the placing LA set up with rules set out if anyone needed to cancel, 3 times she was ill on the very days of contact, she only turned up at the last when the placing SW threatened to take it back to court to stop all contact permanently. that was also the last contact SS were supervising for us, she has failed to turn up at the last one for her other child (no relative to me, which I refused to take nephew to). I stopped contact following advice and backing from school, my LA social worker and my nephews therapist (all of which say they support us in court).

I have said it is not a never for contact just not until he is older - old enough to understand without the damage it caused him. Contact with his siblings is hard enough as it is with the fallout but it is nowhere on the same scale as when he saw his mum. So I won't be agreeing to setting contact back up, this is also supported by other professionals. My brother understands now finally why (they are not together and wasnt before he was in care), he understands that it is for his benefit and regularly keeps in contact by email and has requested photos and his progress.

If only Mum was doing this because she cared, she is only doing this as her latest boyfriend has dumped her, so suddenly remembers she has a child.

So looks like I am in for yet another court battle, I just want what is best for him now, he has been more than enough in his short life.

Mumof3Now

[Robin D]

quote:Originally posted by mumof3now

Hi
If only Mum was doing this because she cared, she is only doing this as her latest boyfriend has dumped her, so suddenly remembers she has a child.
How true!

You have my deepest sympathy. I do not believe that this is the way those that conceived special guardianship expected it to work. [:(] Could I suggest that all those affected by this situation should write to their MP's. This is not party politics so the more people who make a fuss and point out the impact this having on the children and special guardians, the more likely it will be looked at again - eventually.

Robin

Grandparent carer in Suffolk [:)]

[old bear]

Hi Mumof3now,
i completely understand the panic you're feeling, BUT, maybe you don't need to worry so much yet. You have been told by ss "to expect a solicitors letter from mum demanding contact and even more than before". fine for ss to warn you it's going to happen ~ but why don't they remind you it means nothing?
just because mother demands something doesn't mean it's going to happen. she could demand the sun comes up on mondays and wednesdays only ~ still doesn't mean it's going to happen. you've got sgo ~ and she's got a long journey to go through before she might get what she wants (and with luck by that time she'll have another boyfriend and won't want it any more!)
she has first to convince a court that things have changed in her life enough to allow her to take it court. and it's only a year since you got the sgo ~ ie since "they" decided you were best bet for your nephew!
then, if she were to succeed in that, she'd still have to convince the court that things are very different now.
and i think you could easily insist on supervised contact ~ which is always more difficult to arrange so it'd take longer.
all delaying tactics ~ but the longer it takes the less likely she is to get to the end of the obstacle course ~ and the more likely you are to be able to show it isn't a good thing for your nephew.
~ and don't forget ~ you can do this yourself ~ you don't need to get (and pay for) a solicitor.
good luck and best wishes ~ i really don't think this will come to very much in the end.
old bear

[harleigh]

hiya mum of 3 me an my husband have a sgo mother was given every chance in court to stick to a contact order in the end the judge ask us what we wanted we opted for no direct contact only a letter to mother 2 times a yr with short up date and a photo but only if mother gaves us her latest address this is for the entire sgo and as you say you cant afford to keep goin to court may i suggest you try this as mother cant be bothered to go to contact this could be a gud option for you and you could say when lo is older and able to understand more you mite consider a change to contact we have a no contact order as she mother failed to even attend court and still to this day has not even given us her addres so tough i say lo is so much happier hope you get on ok and feel free to contact me

harleigh

[Auntie Lynsey]

"If only Mum was doing this because she cared, she is only doing this as her latest boyfriend has dumped her, so suddenly remembers she has a child."


I think we must have the same "mums". My sisters contact with the little one also depends on wether she is "on" or "off" with her partner.

My sister has threatened solicitor a couple of times but she has never kept the solicitors appointment.