Feeling like a traitor

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Robin D
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Re: Feeling like a traitor

Postby Robin D » Fri Aug 08, 2014 9:51 pm

I feel for you. It's very hard giving the authorities evidence against your own but you are doing exactly the right thing by putting the helpless and innocent child's needs first. If you don't stand up for him, who will? Its makes it no easier to deal with though and many here have been there. Not necessarily drink, but drug's, promiscuous lifestyles, chaotic lifestyles and simple neglect or abandonment.

I can't offer much in the way of practical help, but you are treading a well worn path although you may not know it.

Good luck .... Robin
Former F&F carer, foster carer, adopter and respite carer for umpteen children. Now retired and when with kids, making sure they 'go home' at the end of the day.

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ied53
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Joined: Fri Aug 18, 2006 11:26 pm

Re: Feeling like a traitor

Postby ied53 » Sat Aug 09, 2014 8:10 am

You are NOT a traitor you are a loving caring person who has her priorities right. You daughter has made her own life choices the little one is being forced to put up with it. We have extra guilt when we are related to the parent but we DID not guide them to the path they walk. I have walked your walk I know how it feels I know the pain it would have caused the children if I had kept quiet. You are doing the right thing
Irene
Grandparent carer in Lincolnshire
Tough times never last tough people do

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ied53
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Re: Feeling like a traitor

Postby ied53 » Sun Aug 10, 2014 6:36 am

So glad you had this chat and some of it may have sunken in but I can assure you there will be times when it is all your fault , etc etc . It is part of the course . The parents rarely accept they are at fault and even though she choses to drink as an addict (and that is what she is) she has little control now as the booze has taken over. It is essential that you have a long term plan and have considered all options because the children's services (soc servs) will be looking for permanence / long term. The child needs stability. They will also need to know you can and will protect the child from Mum . You are evidencing this now by telling the truth you will need to work out how you are going to restrict access to the child . You may have a contact plan to follow it is very unlikely they would be happy with open access.
Irene

Grandparent carer in Lincolnshire

Tough times never last tough people do

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ied53
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Joined: Fri Aug 18, 2006 11:26 pm

Re: Feeling like a traitor

Postby ied53 » Sun Aug 10, 2014 5:27 pm

He will remain the responsibility of the LA he is under now regardless of how far you are away foster carers are entitled to respite in reality it doesn't often happen for related carers. Though it varies from area to area. Some are very good. As you will be fostering a Looked after child any respite must be from an "approved" carer. You may well be able to tap into local services and local groups is child pre school age? If so Health visitor is a good help if school age then the school nurse. It may be an advantage to research local groups your self. Do you have a Hubby / Partner or are you sole carer?
Irene

Grandparent carer in Lincolnshire

Tough times never last tough people do

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Suzie, FRG Adviser
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Joined: Thu Jul 28, 2011 11:25 am

Re: Feeling like a traitor

Postby Suzie, FRG Adviser » Mon Aug 11, 2014 2:39 pm

Dear cazzap06,

I can see that you have had a lot of support from Robin and Irene and they have answered your questions about being a friend and family foster carer. You could also have a look at our advice sheet which sets out the fostering process.

Children services will also be carrying out an assessment which will look at your grandsons’ needs and your daughters parenting capacity taking into account the family support available.
As part of this they should be identifying what support your daughter could access to help her recover and to help the family deal with her alcohol abuse.
You could also contact al-anon
Al-anon who advise families about issues around alcohol abuse.

Best wishes,
Suzie

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Robin D
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Joined: Sat Aug 21, 2004 12:58 pm

Re: Feeling like a traitor

Postby Robin D » Wed Aug 13, 2014 5:42 am

The FGC organiser should be well versed in these problems. I suggest you ask the SW for the contact details of the person organising and and then speak to them.
Former F&F carer, foster carer, adopter and respite carer for umpteen children. Now retired and when with kids, making sure they 'go home' at the end of the day.

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Robin D
Posts: 1848
Joined: Sat Aug 21, 2004 12:58 pm

Re: Feeling like a traitor

Postby Robin D » Wed Aug 13, 2014 6:16 pm

Yes, looking after yourself is very important,

Have you looked at the the FRG list of support groups? http://www.frg.org.uk/need-help-or-advice/family-and-friends-carers/support-groups I'm sure the alcohol ones will really help with that aspect, but F&F ones can be very helpful with all aspects of getting your GS to live with you as well as dealing with many of the unusual difficulties of bringing up a younger relative.

Hopefully there will be one near you.

Best wishes .... Robin
Former F&F carer, foster carer, adopter and respite carer for umpteen children. Now retired and when with kids, making sure they 'go home' at the end of the day.

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Robin D
Posts: 1848
Joined: Sat Aug 21, 2004 12:58 pm

Re: Feeling like a traitor

Postby Robin D » Wed Aug 13, 2014 6:23 pm

By the way, its absolutely normal to feel up and down in these situations especially when you are facing what appears to be the unknown and with little if any control over the situation. We went through the wringer! Our grandson has left home now and we are beginning to enjoy just being ourselves, but its been a long time coming. I'd be lying if I said it never felt as though it was going to beat us. However a few people at FRG provided superb support .... that was decade or more ago, long before this site was active. There is usually someone on here to listen to a rant if you feel it neccessary. ;)
Former F&F carer, foster carer, adopter and respite carer for umpteen children. Now retired and when with kids, making sure they 'go home' at the end of the day.

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ied53
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Joined: Fri Aug 18, 2006 11:26 pm

Re: Feeling like a traitor

Postby ied53 » Thu Aug 14, 2014 6:32 am

As a Mum I banned my Son from the family home years ago due to his lifestyle choices and once the girls moved in that strengthened my resolve. I no longer worry have I locked stuff away and has anything "gone". Contact for each birth parent is at a neutral venue which I / we supervise. to get them to go home now feels like home and violated by a thief who's only thought is what can I sell this for regardless of how "precious" it is to me. I also know the children will not witness a kick off or the police having to remove them if they refuse to leave . Also if they arrive under the influence I can leave at home it would be very hard to get the parents to. At first it hurt but as time went on I found this so much easier on my emotions and stress levels. If the parents can't turn their lives round for the special gift of a child then they have to accept the child will be protected.
Irene

Grandparent carer in Lincolnshire

Tough times never last tough people do

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ied53
Posts: 2121
Joined: Fri Aug 18, 2006 11:26 pm

Re: Feeling like a traitor

Postby ied53 » Sat Aug 16, 2014 5:59 pm

You did not encourage her you treated her as an adult she made the wrong choice. I wonder if she was trying to push your buttons. Either way as one Mum to another the choice hurts initially but gets easier. Especially when the child is with you as a reminder of why. It seems to strengthen resolve and make it less painful. I'm sending you a hug cos I know I needed them through the process.
Irene

Grandparent carer in Lincolnshire

Tough times never last tough people do


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