Behaviour

Devotedgrandma
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Joined: Tue Apr 19, 2016 4:53 pm

Behaviour

Postby Devotedgrandma » Fri Nov 11, 2016 9:12 pm

Hi, as some of you may know we now have grandson living with us, he came 8wk ago, he has very loving bond with me especially, however he saw his mum for 1 hr last week which was unsettling for him but last couple days he's answering back and being quite defiant. BTW he's 4, is this quite normal for child after everything he been thru.

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ied53
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Joined: Fri Aug 18, 2006 11:26 pm

Re: Behaviour

Postby ied53 » Sat Nov 12, 2016 12:03 am

yes and more , children have an inbuilt devotion to the parent even if they didn't have a too positive experience. It may possibly get a lot worse too. These children are confused and don't understand what is going on. He isn't actually being defiant he is demonstrating how afraid and confused he is. It can also be affected by what the parents say on contact.
Irene
Grandparent carer in Lincolnshire
Tough times never last tough people do

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Robin D
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Joined: Sat Aug 21, 2004 12:58 pm

Re: Behaviour

Postby Robin D » Sat Nov 12, 2016 6:24 pm

Absolutely normal behaviour I'm afraid. Keep going with the gentle message that you love him, and it's his behaviour you don't like, not him. Make sure he feels totally safe at home

Clearly he was affected by the contact and is showing it in the only way he knows. Some children find contact easy, others find it extremely unsettling. If Mum is receptive, its worth explaining this and getting her to reinforce that he is staying with you. Some children start contact badly, but over time become more settled in the placement and take it in their stride. There is no certain way of predicting how they will behave.

He's also settling in and the 'honeymoon period' is going to end when he feels safe enough to push the boundaries. You may be seeing a mix of these consequences.

If you have a good and experienced social worker involved, its worth discussing with them, but if fresh out of college, take their advice with a pinch of salt.

Good luck. .... Robin
Former F&F carer, foster carer, adopter and respite carer for umpteen children. Now retired and when with kids, making sure they 'go home' at the end of the day.

Devotedgrandma
Posts: 23
Joined: Tue Apr 19, 2016 4:53 pm

Re: Behaviour

Postby Devotedgrandma » Sat Nov 12, 2016 8:06 pm

Thanks, not sure if his mum would be any use. It's struggle how to get him to do something when refuses,

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Robin D
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Re: Behaviour

Postby Robin D » Sat Nov 12, 2016 8:30 pm

It's easiest to avoid a battle if you can.

Sometimes try the 'well if you are not going to do 'x' for me, I'm not going to do 'y' for you' approach. Then change the subject for a while before coming back. "Would you like me to do 'y'? If so, then "OK. I will, but it would make me very happy if you would also do 'x'."

By giving the time to take the sting out of it so its not seen as a battle to get him to do it, compliance will often (but not always) follow. It becomes a win-win rather than a win-lose, or worse still lose-lose outcome.

However, with a four year-old you may simply have to insist sometimes, especially if it becomes a safety issue.
Former F&F carer, foster carer, adopter and respite carer for umpteen children. Now retired and when with kids, making sure they 'go home' at the end of the day.

Devotedgrandma
Posts: 23
Joined: Tue Apr 19, 2016 4:53 pm

Re: Behaviour

Postby Devotedgrandma » Sun Nov 13, 2016 7:36 pm

Just not sure what's brought on the sudden change in behaviour and attitude last 4 days, thought it might be him seeing his mum but that was 10 days ago

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Robin D
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Re: Behaviour

Postby Robin D » Sun Nov 13, 2016 7:59 pm

There is unfortunately no way of knowing what acted as a trigger, or perhaps several triggers. He may simply be pushing the boundaries to get the reassurance that you are not going to reject him.

Be firm but above all consistent and ensure plenty of routine. Children in his position will not cope if something was not allowed yesterday but is today! Boundaries need to be exactly that.
Former F&F carer, foster carer, adopter and respite carer for umpteen children. Now retired and when with kids, making sure they 'go home' at the end of the day.


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