Please help

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Joined: Mon Sep 28, 2009 5:30 pm

Please help

Post by wooley » Mon Oct 31, 2011 1:05 am

Hope some of you will remember me, have not posted in a while, I think most of my posts are now in the archive .short recap have had RO for grandaughter for almost two years she has lived with us since she was born. her mum (my daughter) also lived with us for the first 18 mths. cotact was left up to us. Grandaughter is now five. her mum is a drug addict and has been for the last 15 yrs, she is now 30. has been sectioned quite a few times and has been in hospital due to overdose more times than i can remember, she also has been in trouble with the police and is bound over at the moment.
Over the last two years contact between daughter/grandaughter has been almost every day,not my choice but hubby thought that this would help keep daughter grounded he will always support his daughter its his way of coping.. In the last 18 mths Daughter did well got a degree in substance abuse and even got a job unpaid as a drug adviser with wycader. I allowed myself to believe and allowed more and more unsupervised visits,allowing daughter to take granddaughter on outings in her car.
I should have seen the signs but I didn't, three weeks ago we were woken in the early hrs. by one of my daughter boyfriends who was in a panic as he had been with daughter she had been taking GHB again had overdosed and he could not wake her,(daughter lives opposite me) she had been back on the drugs for months and i didn't see it. she was hospitalised for a few days and then released can't seem to get over it I have put granddaughter at risk again I feel so stupid.
Rang paternal gran to tell her that she was not to allow daughter to pick up granddaughter only to find out that she had seen daughter the week before in some sort of trance and when she had tried to talk to her daughter had gone into some kind of fit, what is the matter with some people didn't she thnk that i should know?
A few days ago daughter asked if she could see granddaughter she hadn't seen her for the last three weeks I arranged a day and time, explained to granddaughter that mummy will be coming to see her, an hour before the visit i had a phone call from her to say that it was not worth her coming to see her as she was going out.
I do not want the same level of contact again, I need to protect my granddaughter, I will not have the support of my husband in this. I am going to tell my daughter about less contact and I know that all hell will break lose and that she will threaten me with court my husband will also put pressure on me by saying that we cannot afford any more solicitors. My fear is that a court will grant her unsupervised contact, she is such a good actress she has fooled so many people i am so tired of fighting tired of being blackmailed by daughter but i am also so frightened that she would win if it went to court. can someone please advise me.

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Suzie, FRG Adviser
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Joined: Thu Jul 28, 2011 11:25 am

Re: Please help

Post by Suzie, FRG Adviser » Mon Oct 31, 2011 4:53 pm

Hi Wooley,

Thank you for joining up to the new board. I’m sorry you are having a difficult time.

You are absolutely right to prioritise your granddaughter and to protect her. I think it would be useful to think about a contact schedule so all of you but especially your granddaughter knows when contact will take place and what is expected of each of you. It is also sensible to consider moving it back to supervised contact. I’m not sure from your post how much of the contact used to be supervised and by whom. If it was you and your husband, I would recommend trying to move away from that. Your granddaughter will pick up on concerns and anxieties you have which could impact the contact. It would be better to have it in a neutral environment like a contact centre, where it can still be supervised but by someone independent. Here is a link to the National Association of Child Contact Centres website for more information and details of venues local to you.

Whilst the court is likely to allow Mum to have contact, it has to be done in a way that is in the best interest of your granddaughter. It is possible for you to ask for your daughter to be drugs tested as part of the court process. If the recent drug use can be proven it is likely that the court will not agree to unsupervised contact until your daughter can prove she isn’t taking drugs and shows that she is committed to and maintains regular contact with your granddaughter.

I understand your concerns about going to court. First of all, if you are not entitled to public funding (legal aid) you might be entitled to free legal advice and representation from the Bar Pro Bono Unit. Check their website for more information. If you want to avoid court altogether, have you considered mediation? This could be a way for you all to discuss your concerns and try to come to workable solution. For more information have a look at the Family Mediators Association website.

Good luck with it all. If you have any more questions please get back in touch and hopefully someone else will be along soon to share their experiences.

Best wishes


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David Roth
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Re: Please help

Post by David Roth » Tue Nov 01, 2011 9:57 am

Hi Wooley

Just to follow on from Suzie, it can sometimes help to have a written agreement about contact. That might sound like a very formal thing to do, between you and your own daughter. It can be very useful, in providing a famework that both parties can understand. It deals not only with how the contact itself ought to work, but you can also agree what will happen if for example a contact is missed, or someone is going to be late, or behaves inappropriately.

You may or may not feel that this would be right for you, but you can take a look at our suggestions for a contact agreement here: ... and-others
David Roth
FRG Policy Adviser

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Re: Please help

Post by Kate » Wed Nov 02, 2011 1:10 am

Hi again Wooley, good to see you here but so sorry to hear your daughter has gone downhill after doing so well. You are of course absolutely right and I hope your husband will finally see this, for your granddaughter's sake. I hope you can sort out contact in a way that will protect your g/d and that your daughter will accept it. It must be very hard with her living so close by. Sending you a cyberhug {{{{{{{{wooley}}}}}}}}}}

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