Update on the Nutty One

[Aunty Lucy]

Well, I've been concerned for a while about my nephews eating habits. No matter how healthy I feed him he finds ways of getting more, or fatty or sweet stuff. Usually it's found or bought with the cash The Nutty One sends him in secret.

Recently I was pushed to the end of my tether, the nephew said he had pains in his chest on a Tuesday evening, I was concerned obviously but the way he acted about it made me wary and I didn't do much about it. On the Thursday of the same week the chest pains re appeared, so I took him to hospital, when he saw the queue the pains disappeared and he wanted to go home, but i insisted on getting him checked out and seeing a doctor, the doctor, I admit, was very abrupt to the point of ignorance, he told my nephew he was fat, asked how a boy as fat as him could do normal stuff like playing football. Nephew never flinched. I did because I feel responsible obviously!
Took him to the GP who said he really needs to lose weight, asked him to give healthy eating a go and come back in 3 months. He did mention to nephew that surgery may be an option. he's about 5 foot tall and 83 kilos ( about 13 stone)
Nephew really tries for a few days, one or two lapses, but nothing changes overnight does it?

I ring the Nutty one, explain things to her and ask her to keep an eye on his diet as he's going to stay Sat till Sun. She agrees with me 100% of course. I ask her not to send him home with any cash or sweets as well. ( he'll go and buy a box or two of cakes and eat them by himself if he has the cash)

Nephew goes on Saturday morning, comes back Sunday evening.
EEEw I say, whats that around your mouth? Oh we just been for an Indian he says.
Oh, Ok i say.
So where did you go before football? he says McDonalds
Oh, and I've got a twenty here for easter!
I'm so gobsmacked by now I hardly notice when he gets out the family sized bag of sweets and stars munching on them.

Contact stopped, as from the second he got back Sunday.

Do I ring her and tell her, or do I wait till she asks for my nephew to visit? I could rip her head off right now, and I know she'll say she cn't be held responsible for what other people do, this has been her get out clause all along, but if she can't be responsible she can't be responsible for my nephew. (her husband took him to McDs and her son to the Indian) It doesn't matter at all who took him, she was supposed to be responsibl;e for him and failed abysmallly on looking after his health. I've no problem with that, and no problem with stopping contact completely becuse of it.

But, do I tell her or wait for her to ask. I don't know what is the best way to go about it.
If I tell her then at least I'm not on pins waiting for her to ring.
He isn't going again in the near future, but I'm not sure how to go about it.

[fatcat]

what a mess!

i would suggest a solicitors letter to her, reminding her of the conversation, and its date, when you outlined your concerns for your nephews health, and the fact that she agreed to support you, and that she failed abysmally in her duty of care towards him.

i would then go back to the GP and ask for nephew to be referred to CAMHS in order to explore the underlying reasons for his eating disorder. until these issues are resolved he will continue to follow his comfort eating patterns.

good luck.

[Aunty Lucy]

Thanks fatcat, that's more or less on the lines I was thinking, but you know how it is when you start second guessing everything!

I have to take him back to the GP anyway to see how he's geting on with cutting down on junk food (not very well at the moment but I suspect he has a pocket full of 'secret' cash still)
I was going to ask the doc about some kind of counselling, but it seemed to make him worse last time he went, although it was just after his mum had died and maybe too soon for him.

[Kate]

Same here. I hope you can get him the support he need with his weight problem. Our daughter is very seriously obese now and it shocks us every time we see her. Her birth family on her father's side all struggle with serious weight problems so the tendency is genetic, but there are deep-seated issues behind it too and she has never been willing to address them (or any of her issues in fact) We can't control this, but your nephew is still young and in your care. If you're to be able to help him he must be free from the influence of the Nutty One because it's obvious she will do everything she can to overturn the good you do. Wishing you good luck and strength.

[Muspark]

Hi Lucy,

If the Doctor has mentioned surgery then the problems are very real. The Aunt must be made to realise that the food that she is allowing him to have whilst with her is seriously affecting his treatment, therefore it is abusive. If she can't stick to the treatment plan then he simply does not go there whilst it is being used. Get the doctor to refer to a dietician and get the copies of diet sent to her, maybe with a letter from the doctor (if you have an agreeable one - rare these days!)

There are also the other issues for you to deal with as well, which are going to need on-going treatment as obviously the eating has become a source of comfort for him and this will become more and more dangerous if not addressed. Food is the one addiction that we can not ever give up fully, therefore it is soooo hard to control long term, try and get help from whoever you can but don't bet yourself up when things don't go to plan.

[nanaJ]

Muspark is right to guide you to a dietician. Your doctor could have referred you as could a health visitor. One of ours saw a dietician and she was just great, so full of enthusiasm and praise with really good ideas and tips which is such good encouragement. She loved to see young people and work towards a good outcome for them and their families.

The focus was not on losing vast amounts of weight, but on healthy eating with a plan supplied, based on points each day. Just ordinary food, no seaweed or anything.

I cannot understand why she is failing to support you in wanting the best for him healthwise particularly after you have explained the situation to her.

She does not have your nephews best interests at heart and seems to want you both to fail for reasons known only to herself.

[Aunty Lucy]

quote:Originally posted by nanaJ





I cannot understand why she is failing to support you in wanting the best for him healthwise particularly after you have explained the situation to her.

She does not have your nephews best interests at heart and seems to want you both to fail for reasons known only to herself.



I think it's a control thing nanaJ, she really doesn't like to think I can 'dictate to her' as she put it once.

As for dieticians and the doctor, I got the impression that the GP was trying to find out first if my nephew can do this by himself without a strict diet, he knows my family and knows that my own two sons and myself are fit and healthy weights, he also knows my nephews history and my concerns that very soon he may switch his food addiction to a vodka addiction like his mum and dad. He (the doc) seemed to be saying my nephew was old enough to make healthy choices and to see how it goes for a few weeks, then look at other options.

I agree with this, but I'm also going to make an appointment with the doctor to discuss my nephew before we have to go back together.
He has a family history of addiction, he's been brought up to be secretive and has a few other issues. What he really needs whichever way this goes, is support from the adults around him and he doesn't get that from the Nutty One.
He get's told that what I don't know wont hurt, but it's seriously hurting him.

[old bear]

hi lucy,
shame you don't have mafia connections ~ you could deal with the nutty one forever!
i wonder whether the nutty one herself is overweight?
clearly she's using whatever is making your nephew vulnerable to overeating as a tool to control him (and to hit out at you) ~ neither of which suggest she really cares for your nephew's wellbeing.
i believe that the healthy eating plan is the right one in the long term, but i'm very concerned about any kind of "control" thing here ~ for all the reasons you've mentioned ~ at the moment your nephew has an overeating disorder, but there are plenty of other disorders around the corner waiting to grab him if he becomes too obsessed with food.
it seems to me that your nephew needs some counselling ~ someone he can talk to about his concerns and fears and whatever's burning away at his heart and making him want to hide from the world (or whatever's at the bottom of the overeating) ~ someone who has no connections with the family ~ someone who can help him to gain his own strenth, to defend himself against the nutty one and anyone else out there who might want to abuse him like she does.
and i sympathise if the counselling makes him worse for a while ~ that seems to be the way of it ~ but it's the long term goals you need to look at now, before things escalate any more.
and finally, may i send you a whole heap of sympathy ~ and a few pounds of extra strength ~ your job is not easy, but you're doing a great one ~ if only you didn't have the nutty one to battle with ~ she seems to lurk just around the corner, ready to come out into the open every time you've calmed things down a bit. do you really not have any mafia connections you can call on?
best wishes to you all
old bear

[Aunty Lucy]

Thanks Old Bear.

We've just been away for the weekend and my nephew amazed me, he is really trying now!
I never mentioned diet to him before we went away, everyone slips up a bit and eats differently when they're away, but I had every intention of really clamping down when we got home.

We went away with my mum, she is a cake and puddings freak! The number of times she tried to convince him it was ok to have two slices or another pudding was unbelieveable! but each time he refused and said he'd had enough, he didn't eat any sweets and he drank water constantly.

I was proud of him and I told him when we got back yesterday, he say's he want's to 'do it' for himself now he's got his head round it.

Let's hope he keeps it up!
Although I will still be pushing for counselling as he has a lot of issues.

[old bear]

hi lucy,
that's just such brilliant news, i'm delighted for you and your nephew ~ please pass on all our strong thoughts (if you think that's appropriate)
my only complaint is that now i'm going to have to be a bit stronger about my own spare pounds
good luck to him, especially in the tough moments
old bear