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Postby Devotedgrandma » Sun Jan 08, 2017 9:07 pm

As some know we have our 4yr old grandson since September, he's spent the previous 16mth in Foster care. We have been managing his behavior using training techniques however since breaking up fir Xmas he has got progressively worse, he ignores us, screams, crys or laughs when told no, he will laugh at us when he knows he's doing wrong thing but when we say there will be consequences he crys, stops what he was dong then within 10 mins or so he'll start again. We have tried the "I understand yiur feeling sad, angry etc from training and we trying to second guess reasons but today i said do you like living here, he said yes, then said no, insaid well were would you like to live and he said his previous fostervcarer, this upset me because I feel he not happy yet he always says he is and always gives us impromptu kisses and tells us he loves us, feel real confused, I've had some advice but anymore be appreciated

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Robin D
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Joined: Sat Aug 21, 2004 12:58 pm

Re: Behavior

Postby Robin D » Mon Jan 09, 2017 1:37 pm


It might help to look at this from his perspective. He is horribly confused, and will naturally be very torn after bonding with the foster parents for 16 months AND without the reasoning that allows him to rationalize the situation.

He will be loving you, but even after a 3-4 months will be very worried that you are going to reject him. In his tiny mind, his previous carers have all rejected him. He will test and test, and then test a lot more before his is confident that you are not going to send him away.

I'm guessing that he had recently been in trouble before this conversation. We all have memories of times when we may have felt 'safer' and want to go back to it. I certainly do not think for one second you should consider you are doing the wrong thing.

I'm unsure what training you received, but I suggest you move away from asking him if he is happy as that simply unsettles the situation for him. ('Why are they asking me this?'). Steady boundaries, and loads of real love will mean that he doesn't need to say he is happy. Just consider what most 4 year-olds without his background, and in a loving family home might answer to that same series of questions if they recently been in trouble? It doesn't mean that that really mean what they are saying.

Your own insecurity in the situation is clearly coming to the fore, and that's something that joining a support group would help with. If you look at try to find one near you, or call the advice line.

The laughing at you is one of the most difficult things to come to terms with, but unfortunately comes with the territory of testing you. The testing phase can go on for years, or in some cases comes in burst through the childhood.

Just take confidence that whoever agreed to him coming to you was certain that having your grandson living with you was the best possible result for his permanent welfare. There will be times when your grandson will definitely not agree, using closely following the word 'No' but he does not have the capacity to take that decision, hence it was taken on his behalf. Living with family beats living with strangers in the vast majority of cases.

Hoping this helps. Gunning for you, but not envying you the challenges ahead.

Former F&F carer, foster carer, adopter and respite carer for umpteen children. Now retired and when with kids, making sure they 'go home' at the end of the day.

Posts: 23
Joined: Tue Apr 19, 2016 4:53 pm

Re: Behavior

Postby Devotedgrandma » Tue Mar 21, 2017 7:58 pm

Little bit of advice. We have our 4 and half grandson since September. His contact with his mother was 1hr every 2wks but because of his behaviour afterwards SS reduced to 1hr every 8wk. This is recent development. She saw him *recently* and then not again till May, however last 2/3 days he's saying he's sad, I'm ask why and he says misses me, then says misses mummy, try to explain why doesn't live with mummy. He's not mentioned anything today until tonight after I came home from appointments he then messed about atvbed usung distractions then cried saying he was said, I asked why he said wanted me" I said I was here then said missed mummy. People say could be school and Mother's Day but school not mentioned that. Don't know what yo think

*Edited by Suzie to maintain confidentiality

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