breif update and a few questions/advice needed please

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Nanny G
Posts: 61
Joined: Wed Aug 13, 2014 1:47 pm

breif update and a few questions/advice needed please

Post by Nanny G » Wed May 18, 2016 6:14 pm

HI All,
A brief update. My Son has now really pulled himself together and turned himself around into being a proper parent to his daughter, and has now been positively assessed by CS to care for her long term - Great news!
There was a recent IRH at which Mum said as she had done well in her mum and baby care and was now coming home with baby that she wanted full time care of her daughter, as well as new baby. Sw and Guardian both opposed this idea saying she wouldn't cope with 2, so her solicitor advised her to apply for joint care. This, if it works, being a good thing for the child, was considered by the judge and more time was given to assesses mum and introduce baby and child in sibling bonding and see how mum coped with the two together in contact.
Sw has now said she is putting forward my Granddaughter is returned to dads care, and that mum should see her a few hours a week.
I have been having regular weekly contact alongside my son at the contact centre with my Granddaughter which has been lovely to spend time with her, having not been able to see her (due to mum stopping contact) for nearly 2 years.
For me, and my Granddaughter, this has been quite a novelty experience and for the few hours a week, of one to one play with her, i am happy to play along with whatever she wants.
However... she has a tendency to be quite bossy, and controlling and will go from sweet, caring 'awww' child to stroppy, grumpy, noisy and ordering you about quite quickly., She is obviously worse when she is tired, stressed or unwell. This behaviours is something she has inherited/learnt from her mother, who was very dominant, very controlling (as were most of her family too) and did a lot of shouting at my son when they were together. My Granddaughter was observed at about 18 months old, before she was speaking properly just after they had moved house, shouting to whoever 'no, i dont want that there, i told you it doesn't go there'.. again something she will have picked up form her mother.
So my question is, SW is telling both me and my son this behaviour is not acceptable, which i agree, if it is allowed to continue she will become her mother all over again, but how do you suggest it is controlled?
Today she was very obviously tired after what her foster mum described as a restless night. She was happily playing, and to start her 'bossiness' seems to fit in with her play and what she wants form us and where she wants us to be,for instance 'sit on the floor please Nanny' . Then she decided she wanted to put daddy to bed, so got him a cushion as a pillow, and told him to lie down on the floor and put his head on the pillow and go to sleep. Daddy obliged and closed his eyes pretending to snore, then granddaughter decided it was time to get up and told Daddy to wake up. As daddy didn't wake up immediately she got louder and louder shouting at the top of her voice with quite a fierce expression on her face 'Daddy! Daddy wake up! WAKE UP DADDY, DAD DY WAKE UP! i showed her she could wake him by tickling the back of his knees, which she found amusing, but continued shouting at him. I would say her expression was almost the of fear of loss of control, that her mother always had..
All the time this was going on i was sitting on the sofa watching them play, then she turned to me and said in quite a stern voice 'Nanny, go.to.sleep. Nanny! Go To Sleep now! You Need a pillow Nanny! '
So, in this circumstance, how would you suggest i handle this? As i say, the novelty of being able to play with her and enjoy her again is such that for a few hours once i week i dont iond too much when she gets bossy, but i can see it getting out of hand quite quickly, and wonder if anyone has any ideas on how to discourage this kind of behaviour?

Many thanks in advance for any advice offered

Nanny G
Posts: 61
Joined: Wed Aug 13, 2014 1:47 pm

Re: breif update and a few questions/advice needed please

Post by Nanny G » Thu May 19, 2016 8:35 am

Thank you Irene. Yes, it was a case in mums life of the louder you shouted the more notice people took of you sadly. Something she obviously learnt in turn from her family.

Yes, i will try that. As i say its difficult as she starts of mildly bossy, more organising, in how she wants her play to go then gradually the more you join in the worse she gets.

Your suggestion is similar to the nursery's on her not sharing or playing alongside other children when out and about with daddy of taking her away from the situation and doing something different, an telling her when she can play nicely alongside the other children she can go back and continue what she was doing.

Nanny G
Posts: 61
Joined: Wed Aug 13, 2014 1:47 pm

Re: breif update and a few questions/advice needed please

Post by Nanny G » Fri May 20, 2016 1:41 pm

Yes, also a good idea. Its obviously not something she knows she is doing, but it needs to be controlled, by us and her.
She always calms down when Daddy cuddles her. When she starts getting stroppy he will give her a cuddle and tell her to calm down, which works for a few minutes. I asked her for a cuddle on Weds, but got the firmly polite reply of 'no thank you'.

When she is living with Daddy, i will be looking after her while he is at work until September when she is off to school (!) So a chart then would work quite well.
Also a possibility to take it to contact, probably something my son would need to do as he sees her on two days a week but could be done.
Thank you

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Suzie, FRG Adviser
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Joined: Thu Jul 28, 2011 11:25 am

Re: breif update and a few questions/advice needed please

Post by Suzie, FRG Adviser » Wed May 25, 2016 9:49 am

Dear Nanny G,

I just wanted to come onto the board and say that I am really glad that everything is going so well for your family. It is really good to hear that your son has pulled himself together even under the pressure of assessment. No doubt your support of your son throughout this period has been crucial as well.

I can see that Irene has given you a lot of excellent parenting advice. You are also coming up with strategies. I don’t think I can add anything further.
There is Family Lives who offer parenting advice and tips.

You could also speak to the social worker and say what you are doing. You could ask her whether she has any particular tips from her professional point of view.

Best wishes,

Suzie

Nanny G
Posts: 61
Joined: Wed Aug 13, 2014 1:47 pm

Re: breif update and a few questions/advice needed please

Post by Nanny G » Tue May 31, 2016 9:25 pm

Hello Suzie ,
Thank you for your kind words and the link to Family Lives, which i will have a good look at.

I cannot say how happy i am that things have turned out how they have. I am really pleased and proud of my Son for his achievements. As his mother, i always knew he was capable, but he had to find himself, and until very recently it didn't look like he was going to.
Even his Solicitor says how well he has done and how he hasn't had a case this good for years, that most dads don't manage to turn themselves around as he has.

It has been tough, and there have been times i wanted to hide away and not speak to him at all, but now it looks like everything is falling into place.

My Grandaughter went to Daddy's house last week on their contact and told him she wanted to live with Daddy 'For ever and ever'. My son has said to me that he wasn't going to deny it, as that is what's planned so is going along with it when she talks about it. Since then she she seems to have been calmer and happier and better behaved.

Last time i was with them, she was a lot happier, and when she started to get loud, a gentle reminder brought her back down again, with a smile on her face. He said today too he has noticed a direct link between sugary food and her behaviour (no surprise).

My Son now has the official statement the SW has put into court recommending his daughter should live with him, and the plan is the day after the court case for him to go to her foster home to see her there and spend time over the course of the week learning about her day to day routine.

I dont think i could have done what i have, for my Son, or my own fight for my Grandaughter without the help and advice i have received from the forum here, so thank you to you all for all the support, help and advice.

Nanny G

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Suzie, FRG Adviser
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Joined: Thu Jul 28, 2011 11:25 am

Re: breif update and a few questions/advice needed please

Post by Suzie, FRG Adviser » Mon Jun 06, 2016 10:06 am

Dear Nanny G

It is wonderful news that situation has been is to be resolved so well for you and your family. I am sure that your granddaughter will settle down and you will all have a great time together.

Thank you for posting the good news and am sure all posters on your threads will be happy for you.

Enjoy your son and granddaughter now that things appear to have fallen into place

Best wishes

Suzie

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