Where do I stand?
Where do I stand?
Hi all, I am new to this site but I wonder if anyone can help me please. I am currently a kinship carer, it started off with two nephews and two nieces nearly 8 years ago. The two boys now live independently the girls are now 13 and 15. I have asked social services for 'help' with the 13 year old for the whole time she has lived with me, but unfortunately my pleas were ignored, resulting in me insisting they remove her. The girl in question, soils herself, her clothes, my clothes, the house, etc. She steals literally anything she can get her hands on and if she can't steal it she destroys it. It has just been a total nightmare for all concerned. Social services refused to believe there was any problem with her although I have reports from school, the police etc. Anyway they finally removed her due to me literally throwing the girl and the social worker out of my house, and they placed her with an emergency foster carer who also refused to keep her after 4 days due to her stealing from a shop and the carer. They have now moved her to an isp carer (from what i understand this is a carer who is extremely qualified to look after children no one else will take) she is receiving private therapy etc. I am so angry that they can provide it now but not when I asked for it. I now have a spare bedroom so I decided to become a 'professional care' but social services are trying to stop me from doing that although it will not be with them. The main problem I have now is, social services are saying they can't afford to pay for this child to be with the isp carer any longer and are insisting I take the said child back, but they have refused to pay for me to keep her room available as im not a 'professional carer'. My supervising social worker has advised me not to take her back but that was off the records. Why should I take her back, and do they really have that much control over my life? Thank you for taking the time to read this.
Re: Where do I stand?
Hi and welcome.
So sad to read your story, and how awful for you all.
Lets be clear, no-one can force you to take the child back into your home. I don't know how you now feel about her after looking after her for 8 years, and I also wonder how her sister really feels about the situation. She might be wondering is she is next, so be wary of any sudden chances in her behaviour and be sure to then reassure her.
One of the saddest things is that we all know that if SS had taken the matter seriously up front, then neither you or the girl would be in the situation you now find yourselves. It sounds as though your niece may have an unresolved attachment disorder from here early life. Has she been seen by the local CAMHS team? If so, why was not the help put in place?
It's not your fault that the LA are struggling financially, but they are the ones who are legally obliged to provide a suitable placement, not you. Point out to SS that even were you, and the rest of the family ready to attempt to take the child back into your home, given the recent events you would all need a huge amount of support, and the child would need on-going treatment. All that would still cost a large amount of money. You can point out that to do otherwise would put the placement of the older girl at risk, which could cost them even more and potentially wreck yet another young life. (I'm not suggesting this is an option by the way, just rationalising the facts).
I hope something begins to work out for you, but feel free you rant here as much as you like.
Robin
So sad to read your story, and how awful for you all.
Lets be clear, no-one can force you to take the child back into your home. I don't know how you now feel about her after looking after her for 8 years, and I also wonder how her sister really feels about the situation. She might be wondering is she is next, so be wary of any sudden chances in her behaviour and be sure to then reassure her.
One of the saddest things is that we all know that if SS had taken the matter seriously up front, then neither you or the girl would be in the situation you now find yourselves. It sounds as though your niece may have an unresolved attachment disorder from here early life. Has she been seen by the local CAMHS team? If so, why was not the help put in place?
It's not your fault that the LA are struggling financially, but they are the ones who are legally obliged to provide a suitable placement, not you. Point out to SS that even were you, and the rest of the family ready to attempt to take the child back into your home, given the recent events you would all need a huge amount of support, and the child would need on-going treatment. All that would still cost a large amount of money. You can point out that to do otherwise would put the placement of the older girl at risk, which could cost them even more and potentially wreck yet another young life. (I'm not suggesting this is an option by the way, just rationalising the facts).
I hope something begins to work out for you, but feel free you rant here as much as you like.
Robin
Former F&F carer, foster carer, adopter and respite carer for umpteen children. Now retired and when with kids, making sure they 'go home' at the end of the day.
Re: Where do I stand?
Hi, echoing Robin's welcome, you will find you are among friends here 
I'm so sorry you've been through such hell and it's disgraceful that the support for your niece and yourselves was not provided long ago, but sadly many of us here will be unsurprised. I agree with Robin that it sounds as if the behaviour you have had to deal with could result from an attachment disorder. He's right too that all this could have an effect on your other niece so I hope she can get some support if she needs it.
Social/Children's Services are placing you in a Catch 22 situation now, and you have to stand your ground, whatever you decide. If you decide not to take your niece back you have nothing to reproach yourselves for. If you decide to try again, the only chance of it working out would be if you had in place the necessary therapy and provision for her and for all the family. You would need to have this agreed, confirmed and set in stone by social services so that they couldn't wriggle out of their responsibilities, because the outcome would be disastrous otherwise.
Wishing you all the best, please keep us updated.
I'm so sorry you've been through such hell and it's disgraceful that the support for your niece and yourselves was not provided long ago, but sadly many of us here will be unsurprised. I agree with Robin that it sounds as if the behaviour you have had to deal with could result from an attachment disorder. He's right too that all this could have an effect on your other niece so I hope she can get some support if she needs it.
Social/Children's Services are placing you in a Catch 22 situation now, and you have to stand your ground, whatever you decide. If you decide not to take your niece back you have nothing to reproach yourselves for. If you decide to try again, the only chance of it working out would be if you had in place the necessary therapy and provision for her and for all the family. You would need to have this agreed, confirmed and set in stone by social services so that they couldn't wriggle out of their responsibilities, because the outcome would be disastrous otherwise.
Wishing you all the best, please keep us updated.
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Suzie, FRG Adviser
- Posts: 956
- Joined: Thu Jul 28, 2011 12:25 pm
Re: Where do I stand?
I am really sorry to hear of this very difficult situation you describe.
You don’t say how you were a “kinship carer” for your niece. Was she placed with you on a care order? Or did her parents voluntarily place her in foster care? In either of these situations, you would not have “parental responsibility” (PR, meaning legal rights and responsibilities) for your niece. If she is on a care order, then Children’s Services share PR with the parents. If the parents voluntarily placed her in care, with no legal order, then they alone have PR. In either of these situations, you have no legal responsibility for her care and of course you are not obligated to have her back home with you. If you obtained a “residence order”, then you do have PR and the situation is not as straight forward, but still, I would say you should not agree to your niece’s return if you feel you cannot cope.
Do you think you could handle her return if you were given better help and support, including therapeutic services for your niece? If you can imagine a way in which you could manage her return, then you need to discuss this with the social work team. Of course I appreciate you have been trying to get help for years. But now it is at a crisis point, so perhaps now the social worker may finally be willing to listen? It sounds like she urgently needs an updated assessment and a new support package, and you should request both, whether your niece comes back to live with you or not.
If you really don’t think you can have her back with you, you will need to tell the social worker that, and stand your ground.
You should also give your niece, assuming you are in contact with her, the names of some youth advocacy organisations – all children in care are entitled to advocacy and it sounds like she urgently needs help sorting out an appropriate placement and support, not to mention issues around education, contact with family, etc. You could suggest she contact National Youth Advocacy Service http://www.nyas.net/ or the Children’s Legal Centre http://www.childrenslegalcentre.com/
I hope this is helpful. Of course, with such a difficult situation, there is no one correct or immediate answer.
All the best, Suzie
You don’t say how you were a “kinship carer” for your niece. Was she placed with you on a care order? Or did her parents voluntarily place her in foster care? In either of these situations, you would not have “parental responsibility” (PR, meaning legal rights and responsibilities) for your niece. If she is on a care order, then Children’s Services share PR with the parents. If the parents voluntarily placed her in care, with no legal order, then they alone have PR. In either of these situations, you have no legal responsibility for her care and of course you are not obligated to have her back home with you. If you obtained a “residence order”, then you do have PR and the situation is not as straight forward, but still, I would say you should not agree to your niece’s return if you feel you cannot cope.
Do you think you could handle her return if you were given better help and support, including therapeutic services for your niece? If you can imagine a way in which you could manage her return, then you need to discuss this with the social work team. Of course I appreciate you have been trying to get help for years. But now it is at a crisis point, so perhaps now the social worker may finally be willing to listen? It sounds like she urgently needs an updated assessment and a new support package, and you should request both, whether your niece comes back to live with you or not.
If you really don’t think you can have her back with you, you will need to tell the social worker that, and stand your ground.
You should also give your niece, assuming you are in contact with her, the names of some youth advocacy organisations – all children in care are entitled to advocacy and it sounds like she urgently needs help sorting out an appropriate placement and support, not to mention issues around education, contact with family, etc. You could suggest she contact National Youth Advocacy Service http://www.nyas.net/ or the Children’s Legal Centre http://www.childrenslegalcentre.com/
I hope this is helpful. Of course, with such a difficult situation, there is no one correct or immediate answer.
All the best, Suzie
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